so long. farewell.
Hello out there,
My life has been insane and really not that great - quite a blur - for the past...year and a half I guess. I've done things I regret, things I can't explain, things I am proud of, and things I never thought I would do. For the most part, I feel as though I am on the "right" track, but then again, who knows. Lately I've been feeling pretty down and feeling a strong want for something - recognition, love, someone to care about/for me. Here - I'll try to catch you up some...
Personal/Family: In May 2008 just as a semester of classes was starting, my dad was admited to the hospital. He was having severe pain in his feet and they were very swollen. He remained in the hospital for 2 very traumatic weeks during which I would comute home after my classes ended on Thursday and return to school late Sunday. I spent my days driving from my house (1 hour) to the hospital he was at. My mom (despite them being divorced) was a saint and spent much of this time comuting and trying to help keep my spirits up. My (half) sister was a pain during this time - she was so stressed out and it was making it so much harder for me to hold it together. I had a very difficult semester in school (more about this below) and the pressure of all that was going on made it almost impossible for me to pass. My emotions were in high gear and I was tested. After the 2 weeks of lots of unknowns, tests, and questions - my dad left the hospital with a diagnoses of congestive heart failure - and a dozen new prescriptions. He spent several weeks recoving at home before returning to school (he's a teacher). Now he is doing better, but still has many doctors visits and had a big change in his lifestyle. I worry about him a lot and this really made me value family so much more than I ever did before. I miss him all the time and constanly pray that he is doing okay and will fully rebound from this experience. It has taken a huge toll (and still does) on me. On the other side of the spectrum, my mom is engaged to a wonderful man, Mark, that she has been with for 6 years. He is a very nice person and makes my mom really happy. The wedding is next Friday! It is difficult at times because I know that I am losing a little bit of her, but I know that she is gaining something amazing, as am I. I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm currently living with my grandparents in Philadelphia (more about that below) and while it's difficult to live with older people (they are sooo stubborn and more strict than I'm used to) I am glad to be able to spend the time with them while I can. They have been through a lot and can really contribute some pretty amazing things to any conversation. I love my family.
Personal/Friends: So much to say - so not even close to enough space. My friends have and have not been there for me through a lot. I've not allowed them on some things and on others, I didn't know how to let them. I tend to reach out at the first sign of crisis, but as things get deeper, I withdraw. I hesitate to list any names for fear of missing an important person, but overall, I have some really amazing friends. Unfortunately most of my friends are such wonderful people they are so busy that sometimes I feel they are not there for me enough - even though I know that they mean nothing by this. I have a hard time being far from them (like now) and I really do miss them. I hope to always be able to stay in touch with these friends I love so much even as our lives grow apart and I hope to make many many more in all the places that I live.
Personal/Love/Guys: Scott and I broke up in May 2007. More like he left me - he had been living in my house for his senior year. He cheated on me (with two different girls) and I made the option to try to forgive him (because I knew if I didn't try, I'd always wonder - a decision I think was right). Things didn't work out. He left - it was HORRIBLE. I was an absolute mess - I was suicidal and woke my mom up in the middle of the night several times telling her I needed to talk because I was going to hurt myself. It was scary to see how much it changed me and how dramatic my emotions got. Over the course of the summer I started to improve. I grew closer to a good friend (girl) from high school who had just broken up with her respective boyfriend of a year and we really bonded. I also grew close to my friend Blaine (lives in VA). In September, I went back to school in Boston. (I had been home in Maine doing my co-op for the summer.) Later in the summer and into the fall, Blaine and I grew REALLY close. We fell in love...if you will. It was amazing and he was/is a really awesome guy. He has some of his own issues which ultimately pulled us apart and now we catch up when we can, but he's hard to get a hold of (no phone) and still living a very wild life. I think about him a lot and he'll always have a big part of my heart. I love him no matter what and always worry about him. Scott and I went a long time without speaking - then we would at random intervals - it was usually very traumatic for me and I got really confused. At Christmas time, I had a mishap with my car and in a panic, texted him. He showed up and tried to help me, then gave me a ride home when he couldn't. We went to the movies. Over the next few months, we hung out several times, but saw that we couldn't have a friendship...we only knew each other as lovers. He was with a girl he loved and it didn't work out. The last time we spoke was in July. He was very cruel - and he informed me we could never speak again. There was lots of drama leading to this, but ultimately - as much as I still miss him and wish I still had him for support and friendship - I see that if he feels that way, I shouldn't want him. I'm still healing and honestly I'm not sure I'll ever fully be healed. Not for a long time and probably not until I find the right guy. I haven't allowed myself to fully trust anyone since...and I think that is the basis of a relationship.
School: It is so hard. I barely (like by the very very SKIN of my teeth, couldn't be any closer) passed one of my classes. The summer semester was especially difficult because of the whole situation with my dad. It took it's toll the whole summer, even when he was home, because I was very worried and traveling a lot. I was distracted and had little time to relax and have true outlets. It did however teach me not to take any thing for granted - I now realize how hard I really have to work and how I can't (from day 1 even!) get behind. I really hope that I have it in my to finish my Pharmacy program - I think I do, I just need to stay forcused. I mostly enjoy what I am doing, but I am still exploring all the options I have with Pharmacy. I don't know exactly the direction I'd like to go in.
Co-op: The "work study" or "internship" program I do - I've had some great (and some not so great) experiences through this program. My current setting is not ideal. It's been very tough on me - emotional, mentally, physically - everything! It has taken a lot of adjusting and it requires massive amounts of biting my tongue. I am trying very hard to stick it out, but I will say it is definitely testing me. There are some great people I work with that can make me smile and laugh, but the job keeps me insanely busy and it's hard for my personality to really shine while I am at work. I wish that I could be more of my bubbly happy self, but I do take my job seriously. I want to work hard and do the best that I can. I want people to be impressed. I guess this very trait is what makes it so difficult - I care and that is why I can be so bothered by what is going on. I often feel as though I can't do anything right. It is very frustrating at times, but I know that at least some of the people I work with recognize what I'm doing (even if they don't say it) and I know that I am working my ass off.
Overall Me/Future: All and all I guess I'm good. I've gotten very far from my routine of eating well and exercising which has resulted in weight gain (ugh), which is bothersome to me. I've been having lots of lows in my mood and subsequently not doing what I should to take care of my body. Often I feel depressed - it doesn't last, but it happens. Especially when I am going to sleep. I've been having nightmares recently and not sleeping well. I also feel very alone sometimes and don't know who to turn to. I wish I still had someone that I could always go to when I had a bad day. Someone who was always on my side. Someone who would worry about me daily. Someone to say good night to. I miss those things in my life. And it's a void that I am also very cautious to even attempt to fill. For the time being I am allowing it to be there - finding my own happiness is really important to me. I want to be happy alone before I can feel happy with anyone else. I was hurt very badly, even my family was hurt, and I want to try to avoid that. I don't want to get blinded or change for anyone else. I want to be me and I want to be sure of who that is. I still flounder very frequently, caught between decisions (I hate making them!) and being unsure of where I stand on some vital things. I think I will always be changing how I feel, but I wish I was a bit more solid in who I am and what makes me me - what makes me happy or calms me down, what makes me sad or brings me down, what helps me deal with stress and be successful. I've been exploring faith and spirituality some - reading a book about Christianity. Thinking about where my religious beliefs stand. Thinking about my future - what I want to do with it, where I want to go, and who I want to be. I try to take things as they come, but I am also a planner. I try to learn from the things in my past and move forward. This has been a time of tremendous growth (and will continue to be).
So that's my life - last year and a half or so.
Love,
Gretchen
My life has been insane and really not that great - quite a blur - for the past...year and a half I guess. I've done things I regret, things I can't explain, things I am proud of, and things I never thought I would do. For the most part, I feel as though I am on the "right" track, but then again, who knows. Lately I've been feeling pretty down and feeling a strong want for something - recognition, love, someone to care about/for me. Here - I'll try to catch you up some...
Personal/Family: In May 2008 just as a semester of classes was starting, my dad was admited to the hospital. He was having severe pain in his feet and they were very swollen. He remained in the hospital for 2 very traumatic weeks during which I would comute home after my classes ended on Thursday and return to school late Sunday. I spent my days driving from my house (1 hour) to the hospital he was at. My mom (despite them being divorced) was a saint and spent much of this time comuting and trying to help keep my spirits up. My (half) sister was a pain during this time - she was so stressed out and it was making it so much harder for me to hold it together. I had a very difficult semester in school (more about this below) and the pressure of all that was going on made it almost impossible for me to pass. My emotions were in high gear and I was tested. After the 2 weeks of lots of unknowns, tests, and questions - my dad left the hospital with a diagnoses of congestive heart failure - and a dozen new prescriptions. He spent several weeks recoving at home before returning to school (he's a teacher). Now he is doing better, but still has many doctors visits and had a big change in his lifestyle. I worry about him a lot and this really made me value family so much more than I ever did before. I miss him all the time and constanly pray that he is doing okay and will fully rebound from this experience. It has taken a huge toll (and still does) on me. On the other side of the spectrum, my mom is engaged to a wonderful man, Mark, that she has been with for 6 years. He is a very nice person and makes my mom really happy. The wedding is next Friday! It is difficult at times because I know that I am losing a little bit of her, but I know that she is gaining something amazing, as am I. I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm currently living with my grandparents in Philadelphia (more about that below) and while it's difficult to live with older people (they are sooo stubborn and more strict than I'm used to) I am glad to be able to spend the time with them while I can. They have been through a lot and can really contribute some pretty amazing things to any conversation. I love my family.
Personal/Friends: So much to say - so not even close to enough space. My friends have and have not been there for me through a lot. I've not allowed them on some things and on others, I didn't know how to let them. I tend to reach out at the first sign of crisis, but as things get deeper, I withdraw. I hesitate to list any names for fear of missing an important person, but overall, I have some really amazing friends. Unfortunately most of my friends are such wonderful people they are so busy that sometimes I feel they are not there for me enough - even though I know that they mean nothing by this. I have a hard time being far from them (like now) and I really do miss them. I hope to always be able to stay in touch with these friends I love so much even as our lives grow apart and I hope to make many many more in all the places that I live.
Personal/Love/Guys: Scott and I broke up in May 2007. More like he left me - he had been living in my house for his senior year. He cheated on me (with two different girls) and I made the option to try to forgive him (because I knew if I didn't try, I'd always wonder - a decision I think was right). Things didn't work out. He left - it was HORRIBLE. I was an absolute mess - I was suicidal and woke my mom up in the middle of the night several times telling her I needed to talk because I was going to hurt myself. It was scary to see how much it changed me and how dramatic my emotions got. Over the course of the summer I started to improve. I grew closer to a good friend (girl) from high school who had just broken up with her respective boyfriend of a year and we really bonded. I also grew close to my friend Blaine (lives in VA). In September, I went back to school in Boston. (I had been home in Maine doing my co-op for the summer.) Later in the summer and into the fall, Blaine and I grew REALLY close. We fell in love...if you will. It was amazing and he was/is a really awesome guy. He has some of his own issues which ultimately pulled us apart and now we catch up when we can, but he's hard to get a hold of (no phone) and still living a very wild life. I think about him a lot and he'll always have a big part of my heart. I love him no matter what and always worry about him. Scott and I went a long time without speaking - then we would at random intervals - it was usually very traumatic for me and I got really confused. At Christmas time, I had a mishap with my car and in a panic, texted him. He showed up and tried to help me, then gave me a ride home when he couldn't. We went to the movies. Over the next few months, we hung out several times, but saw that we couldn't have a friendship...we only knew each other as lovers. He was with a girl he loved and it didn't work out. The last time we spoke was in July. He was very cruel - and he informed me we could never speak again. There was lots of drama leading to this, but ultimately - as much as I still miss him and wish I still had him for support and friendship - I see that if he feels that way, I shouldn't want him. I'm still healing and honestly I'm not sure I'll ever fully be healed. Not for a long time and probably not until I find the right guy. I haven't allowed myself to fully trust anyone since...and I think that is the basis of a relationship.
School: It is so hard. I barely (like by the very very SKIN of my teeth, couldn't be any closer) passed one of my classes. The summer semester was especially difficult because of the whole situation with my dad. It took it's toll the whole summer, even when he was home, because I was very worried and traveling a lot. I was distracted and had little time to relax and have true outlets. It did however teach me not to take any thing for granted - I now realize how hard I really have to work and how I can't (from day 1 even!) get behind. I really hope that I have it in my to finish my Pharmacy program - I think I do, I just need to stay forcused. I mostly enjoy what I am doing, but I am still exploring all the options I have with Pharmacy. I don't know exactly the direction I'd like to go in.
Co-op: The "work study" or "internship" program I do - I've had some great (and some not so great) experiences through this program. My current setting is not ideal. It's been very tough on me - emotional, mentally, physically - everything! It has taken a lot of adjusting and it requires massive amounts of biting my tongue. I am trying very hard to stick it out, but I will say it is definitely testing me. There are some great people I work with that can make me smile and laugh, but the job keeps me insanely busy and it's hard for my personality to really shine while I am at work. I wish that I could be more of my bubbly happy self, but I do take my job seriously. I want to work hard and do the best that I can. I want people to be impressed. I guess this very trait is what makes it so difficult - I care and that is why I can be so bothered by what is going on. I often feel as though I can't do anything right. It is very frustrating at times, but I know that at least some of the people I work with recognize what I'm doing (even if they don't say it) and I know that I am working my ass off.
Overall Me/Future: All and all I guess I'm good. I've gotten very far from my routine of eating well and exercising which has resulted in weight gain (ugh), which is bothersome to me. I've been having lots of lows in my mood and subsequently not doing what I should to take care of my body. Often I feel depressed - it doesn't last, but it happens. Especially when I am going to sleep. I've been having nightmares recently and not sleeping well. I also feel very alone sometimes and don't know who to turn to. I wish I still had someone that I could always go to when I had a bad day. Someone who was always on my side. Someone who would worry about me daily. Someone to say good night to. I miss those things in my life. And it's a void that I am also very cautious to even attempt to fill. For the time being I am allowing it to be there - finding my own happiness is really important to me. I want to be happy alone before I can feel happy with anyone else. I was hurt very badly, even my family was hurt, and I want to try to avoid that. I don't want to get blinded or change for anyone else. I want to be me and I want to be sure of who that is. I still flounder very frequently, caught between decisions (I hate making them!) and being unsure of where I stand on some vital things. I think I will always be changing how I feel, but I wish I was a bit more solid in who I am and what makes me me - what makes me happy or calms me down, what makes me sad or brings me down, what helps me deal with stress and be successful. I've been exploring faith and spirituality some - reading a book about Christianity. Thinking about where my religious beliefs stand. Thinking about my future - what I want to do with it, where I want to go, and who I want to be. I try to take things as they come, but I am also a planner. I try to learn from the things in my past and move forward. This has been a time of tremendous growth (and will continue to be).
So that's my life - last year and a half or so.
Love,
Gretchen