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Liz finally answered me. Took a while but I got a response. I thought I'd be happy getting a response, rather I was quite bitter because 1) it took so long and 2) I am probally going to be right about that 5 months thing. The worst part is I don't care anymore. I mused a bit with the idea that I am incapable of loving another human being. It has
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Anyway...It actually kind of hurts to hear that you don't care whether our friendship lasts, but the fact that you seem not to give a damn about much else makes it easier to digest. I might have had my views in regards to my fate somewhat changed for various reasons, but I am well trained in losing friends and sucking it up, so just in case that five-month time limit does come to fruition, I'll just have to move on like I always do.
I can still remember a time, mainly when we first met, when you were nothing like you are now. I can only assume that you cared more about things two years ago than you do now, however that's harder to say because I had only just met you then...I still don't know when exactly your personality changed or what the exact trigger was, but all I can really say for certain is that I do miss the old you when I think about it...I say that because I'm so used to you being an apathetic bastard now, so to speak, that I have to make a conscious effort to remember that time.
Don't worry, I'm actually kind of glad that we never dated...I say that because, for one I know it wouldn't have lasted long, and assuming that the timeline in this reality remained the same and you still underwent the personality change at the same time, it would have been much harder for me to remain friends with you. Besides, it would have never happened anyway, seeing as how you emphasized so much how you hate online relationships, so, yeah. :P
I just really hope you figure out something. I'm kind of starting to hate seeing you like this all the time, now that I've actually regained some semblance of understanding of my own emotions (remember when I was pretty much an apathetic bitch myself? I think it was so much easier to tolerate you when I was just about the same way myself). Sometimes I think about the times when you blamed me for this change in you, and I have to wonder if maybe it is true...
Either way, as much as I hate saying shit like this...I care about you. So...even if we aren't friends in five months, just remember that I did care. That's probably the only time you'll see me say that, though. lol
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Bitter about response time well, Liz has gone off to college and is more than likely adjusting to a new stage in her life, so cheesy and cliche, but true. From her journal it would seem there are plenty of other things to occupy her besides being consumed by War Craft. "She can make time for these things and not me." is what this is coming out like.
I can understand being a bitter because the thought of losing a close friend hurts, but you put a time limit on how long your friendship will last. This could only of been done to push away someone who cares or as bait to reel her in to speaking with you more to dissprove your theory. From what I gather of her, I think you just want to get rid of her before you get hurt that you may not be such a crucial point in her life any longer.
You seem to have trouble with transitions in the stages of friendship and become closed. You went in to a state simular to this before, but I say don't expect anything from a friend other than caring. She just stated she did and sometimes it's hard to let go, but at one point we all must.
I think you need to let go that you weren't ready for what you had with Sarah, which you just admitted by saying you are not fully grown emotionally. Children don't carry on relationships. You are able to retain emotions and feel otherwise you wouldn't try to become detatched. It's clearly something you put an effort in to just so you won't have to deal with the fact that there are somethings you can't handle.
Relationship wise, start by admitting you can't stand feeling let behind. That was why you broke it off with Sarah she was in a spot you were not and you still are not. I'd spend my time trying to figure out how get to that point rather than wonder why. You will not be attracted to anyone until you feel you are ready for a relationship.
You answer your own question all the time "I am not emotionally grown, I dislike myself for doing what I did to Sarah, I don't think I'm capable of loving myself or another". Stop stating it and solve it. "How do I start to grow as a person? Why does my not being ready for Sarah bother me? How do I start to love myself so I can love another?" is what I'd be asking.
Friendship wise, just accept things can't always be as they were and decide you want that person in your life because you like them. Even if it's not the same or as often as before. But then again I am not expert.
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Him can be viewed as life in general.
As for the difference between now and then...I did care more about things then than I do now. I have nothing in my life that I love. I still care deeply for my family and friends...but I'm just much better and cutting the emotional bonds now. I think this is a reinforced behavior though, considering how much crap Jack and others have put me through. I just want to be as I once was. I think back to those times and I cry sometimes. Not boohoo or lots of water works...but a silent tear and its over. Its a sad thing for me to know that I was once happy and I am now absolutely miserable. I could be world reknowned and I would still be miserable. I am damaged.
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