(no subject)
Liz finally answered me. Took a while but I got a response. I thought I'd be happy getting a response, rather I was quite bitter because 1) it took so long and 2) I am probally going to be right about that 5 months thing. The worst part is I don't care anymore. I mused a bit with the idea that I am incapable of loving another human being. It has been 2 years since Sarah and I haven't had a serious crush or the desire to date at all since then. I am wondering if perhaps there is something wrong with me. Not physically or what not...but emotionally. My life has been rather easy compared to most in quite a few areas...emotionally though its been rather hard growing up. I'm not trying to say my life was the most difficult to cope with emotionally, because I'm sure it wasn't. There are people far worse of than I was growing up, and they should have my regards. I would offer pity or sympathy...but I simply don't care anymore.
I don't know why I don't care anymore. I just don't. I am almost to the point where I'm going to do something drastic, God knows what but it won't be suicide or any form of self desctruction. Though...I might start to break myself down again. I've already started sleep depervation, and I mean seriously started sleep depervation.
I can't come to grips with the fact that since its nearly been 2 years or so after Sarah that I haven't developed a serious crush on anyone that I really wanted to date. Sure...there was Liz more or less, but in retrospect I just liked her, I'm not terribly certian I wanted to date (no offense Liz but thats how I feel as of THIS moment). Then there was Christina. Retrospect, I didn't even really like her. I'm attracted to her physically, but thats it. We're friends and all but thats not the point is it? I just don't really like her as I wish I could. Hell, I wish I could love myself.
Which brings up an interesting question...are all my troubles because I can't love myself...or because I can't love anyone else? Either way...I'm not incredibly happy...though...I'm not sad either. I just don't care.
I don't know why I don't care anymore. I just don't. I am almost to the point where I'm going to do something drastic, God knows what but it won't be suicide or any form of self desctruction. Though...I might start to break myself down again. I've already started sleep depervation, and I mean seriously started sleep depervation.
I can't come to grips with the fact that since its nearly been 2 years or so after Sarah that I haven't developed a serious crush on anyone that I really wanted to date. Sure...there was Liz more or less, but in retrospect I just liked her, I'm not terribly certian I wanted to date (no offense Liz but thats how I feel as of THIS moment). Then there was Christina. Retrospect, I didn't even really like her. I'm attracted to her physically, but thats it. We're friends and all but thats not the point is it? I just don't really like her as I wish I could. Hell, I wish I could love myself.
Which brings up an interesting question...are all my troubles because I can't love myself...or because I can't love anyone else? Either way...I'm not incredibly happy...though...I'm not sad either. I just don't care.