The daily breakup: procrastination
I read a meme this morning about a broken window. It's the thing that most folks have probably done whether renters or owners: a thing in the house breaks, it seems like some work to fix, it gets backburnered until it's time to move out, then you fix it in half an hour and the next person gets the benefit. If the half hour had been spent a couple years back you would have had the fixed thing all along, but that's not how folks often work.
I can be like that with my home, though I pick away at things when I have extra energy (that is, rarely).
I don't have a long tolerance like that with relationships, usually. I'm pretty proactive. I like to talk about the shape of the relationship in the beginning, bring up stuff that looks a little weird when I see it, and not let stuff accumulate or wait too long.
I get the sense a lot of folks are not like this. They prefer the wake-up call of a breakup to change something in their behaviour, so maybe they can act differently for the next person. Checking in on the relationship regularly, shifting a little thing here or there, having occasional larger repairs to keep everything smooth: I don't think it's normal practice? The poly podcast I listen to advocates for it and so the folks in that poly group talk about doing it. You don't join a poly patreon unless you're a bit of a relationship geek though.
Anyhow, because I tend to bring stuff up early, if a partner doesn't bring things up or if they'd normally wait till it's a Big Problem, it means I end up doing the work. I not only say "you're acting like this, is something amiss for you?" but also "something is amiss for me". I surface all the issues. That's... too much work.
But worse than that is time when it is too much work and I back off and everything just... accumulates. Each time something that is an easy fix gets put off and folks decide to live with a less-good relationship for awhile, that erodes trust. It makes the quality of the relationship a little less. Now maybe there are trade-offs that make it worth it for a bit... but the issues keep piling up. They do not tend to go away without a little discussion. And if they're just left, and left, and left... you end up with a lower-quality relationship and less faith that the folks involved will actually do the work to fix anything at all, and a very large pile of work.
A lot of that work is better done when you have faith in each other. If you've fixed issues with a partner before, it strengthens the base you have to work from. A stronger base means easier work.
And if the pattern is to put off fixing everything until someone threatens you with a breakup, well. There's a ton of work to do. There's little faith to support doing it, little sense of achievable it is and how nice it'll be when it's done, because there's no experience in that.
And there's a reasonable expectation that to fix the next thing, the threat of another breakup is required.
A dynamic where someone threatens a breakup to make the relationship tolerable to them is not ok. A dynamic where someone only goes relationship work because they're terrified of a breakup is not ok. I won't engage in those.
PS The meme was about mental health, about how if you're depressed or have ADHD or whatever seeking treatment before a breakdown is advisable, because then you can enjoy the benefits. I think that untreated mental health issues map very cleanly onto not being able to handle relationship work.
I can be like that with my home, though I pick away at things when I have extra energy (that is, rarely).
I don't have a long tolerance like that with relationships, usually. I'm pretty proactive. I like to talk about the shape of the relationship in the beginning, bring up stuff that looks a little weird when I see it, and not let stuff accumulate or wait too long.
I get the sense a lot of folks are not like this. They prefer the wake-up call of a breakup to change something in their behaviour, so maybe they can act differently for the next person. Checking in on the relationship regularly, shifting a little thing here or there, having occasional larger repairs to keep everything smooth: I don't think it's normal practice? The poly podcast I listen to advocates for it and so the folks in that poly group talk about doing it. You don't join a poly patreon unless you're a bit of a relationship geek though.
Anyhow, because I tend to bring stuff up early, if a partner doesn't bring things up or if they'd normally wait till it's a Big Problem, it means I end up doing the work. I not only say "you're acting like this, is something amiss for you?" but also "something is amiss for me". I surface all the issues. That's... too much work.
But worse than that is time when it is too much work and I back off and everything just... accumulates. Each time something that is an easy fix gets put off and folks decide to live with a less-good relationship for awhile, that erodes trust. It makes the quality of the relationship a little less. Now maybe there are trade-offs that make it worth it for a bit... but the issues keep piling up. They do not tend to go away without a little discussion. And if they're just left, and left, and left... you end up with a lower-quality relationship and less faith that the folks involved will actually do the work to fix anything at all, and a very large pile of work.
A lot of that work is better done when you have faith in each other. If you've fixed issues with a partner before, it strengthens the base you have to work from. A stronger base means easier work.
And if the pattern is to put off fixing everything until someone threatens you with a breakup, well. There's a ton of work to do. There's little faith to support doing it, little sense of achievable it is and how nice it'll be when it's done, because there's no experience in that.
And there's a reasonable expectation that to fix the next thing, the threat of another breakup is required.
A dynamic where someone threatens a breakup to make the relationship tolerable to them is not ok. A dynamic where someone only goes relationship work because they're terrified of a breakup is not ok. I won't engage in those.
PS The meme was about mental health, about how if you're depressed or have ADHD or whatever seeking treatment before a breakdown is advisable, because then you can enjoy the benefits. I think that untreated mental health issues map very cleanly onto not being able to handle relationship work.