Poly Challenge Gets Some Love
Yes, it's a long time later.
1. What type of non-monogamous relationships do you have?
All my relationships are non-monogamous.
I currently have what I would consider a full partnership where we're very emotionally intimate and we spend a lot of time (3 or 4/7 days per week) together. We are seek each other's advice frequently but not permission, even for big changes like moving across the country. This hasn't been decided to be a permanent relationship; to do that we'd need to sort out the career/long distance/living/children situation and neither of us has been inclined to do that yet.
I also have a wide range of people who fall in the 'close friends and/or I love them and sexual intimacy is not off the table'. In practice this means I cycle into and out of closer contact with them, into and out of sexual relationships, into and out of frequent contact.
In the past I've enjoyed relatively stable arrangements with one domestic(live in) partner and one dating (2-3 days per week) partner but I'm too busy for that right now.
Revised: I currently have a part time/long distance partnership with Dave as described above, that has somewhat de-escalated with distance. The question of it permanence has still not been decided. I have a girlfriend who I've been seeing occasionally for quite awhile who is an important emotional and conversational person in my life. Now I suddenly have another boyfriend who is too new to classify, but at the least promises to be an adventure, conversation, and activity partner.
2. When did you first realize you were non-monogamous?
It's been difficult for me to accept that I'm nonmonogamous. I have been practicing nonmonogamy since I was fifteen or sixteen, but because of internalised biases against it and the difficulty of swimming against that current I have often needed to re-realise that this is an immutable orientation for me. I think I may have finally learned my lesson three or four years ago for good?
3. What have been the best and worst experiences you’ve had coming out as non-monogamous?
The best experience lies in being able to accept and present myself as I am, to feel like I'm authentically interacting with the world. I know this is maybe supposed to be asking about other people's responses to me, but it's my own response to granting myself freedom to speak about who I am and my experiences that really make me happy here.
The worst experiences, without a doubt, are when people tell me I don't really love my partners, when my partners tell me I don't really love them, or when I'm told it's just a phase. My ability to love is pretty deep in my identity and takes up a lot of my time and attention; having all that brushed off or ignored is the worst form of not being seen.
4. How do you feel about your non-monogamy?
This is a dangerous question. I mostly don't feel anything particular about it, I just accept it. Sometimes I find it very frustrating and painful, especially when it is a source of incompatibility in a relationship or when it leads me to feel excluded from casual conversations about my life. In actual practice, when I'm actually experiencing my people, I feel free and secure and comfortable and happy. A lot of the time I think it would be more convenient to be monogamous, it would give me a bigger dating pool and less need to sort quite so many internalised messages out and there would be less scheduling and less social and legal discrimination. The dangerous part is that I'm not monogamous, and when I try to act as though I am there are negative consequences, so thinking about the inconvenience doesn't benefit me.
5. How did your family react to you being non-monogamous?
Very neutrally.
6. What does marriage mean to you?
It's a public, social sanction of strong intention between two people who have identified significant life compatibilities and compatible life goals and are going to try to keep those lined up together "forever". I know other people use it for other things. Marriage being limited to single couples, I feel a little wary of it.
7. What do you think about hierarchical non-monogamy?
As generally practiced it may be too rigid for my tastes, maybe? Because all my people feel so different, it's hard and kinda gross to set up categories like that. I tend to prefer to have a fairly clear sense of my priorities in different areas with different folks. I can easily get behind being with one partner who is prioritized in many ways, but... I dunno. It's a pretty broad concept. Super happy for other folk to practice this way.
8. What’s a favorite picture you associate with non-monogamy?
I'm not particularly visual.
9. What’s your view on group sex?
I'm not sure what aspect of group sex this is supposed to address. Interpersonal logistics on group sex can be complicated; I've had some that was lovely and some that felt uncomfy and coerced. Easiest for me is pre-existing groups/couples having sex in parallel in the same space.
Needless to say, it should never be coerced. Not entirely sure what it has to do directly with poly, either. :P
10. What involvement have you had with non-monogamy groups or organizations?
Vanpoly and livejournal poly and dot poly snark community involvement for many years when I was starting. None now. I don't seem to enjoy poly communities much, preferring to figure my relationships out within themselves and find a different reason to socialize with folks, like maybe common interests.
11. What’s the stupidest argument or comment you’ve heard about non-monogamy?
Many folks don't have much knowledge about it. Usually I'm being asked questions, not told things. The undercurrent that I can't possibly love my partners makes me incredibly angry though.
12. What’s your favorite blog or site related to non-monogamy?
I more-or-less stopped reading poly sites several years ago. When I started I went to VanPoly, read a mailing list, was on the livejournal poly community and the lj poly snark community.
This journal, chronicling as it does most of my poly stuff, is probably my favourite resource for myself: I can se what mistakes I've made before, how they felt at the time, and make decisions with that data.
I haven't found books on poly to be super helpful. I think anything that helps with empathy and good communication in general would be excellent as a resource though.
13. What would you like to say to people?
Get over it. It really has nothing to do with you.It's just something I'm doing over here in my own time, with my own energy. I'm cool answering your questions if you ask them, I don't mind at all, and in return I'd love if you would stop interpreting my personal behaviour in the light of whether it would fit you or based on the assumptions in your own relationship(s).
I still make hard decisions. In your relationship you make hard decisions. There's no real difference at the heart of it. I'm not some free-spirit person who doesn't live by the rules of consequence. I get consequences. And I probably don't want to have sex with you, it takes someone very particular and special to get me engaged.
14. What do you want to end this series of questions on?
A sense of having created a coherent picture of my relationship style, but I don't think that will occur. Maybe a sense of understanding from others.
15. How do you feel about jealousy?
It's a great indicator emotion. It's unpleasant, like all the indicator emotions, so it calls attention to something. That something, for me, is usually needing more time/attention from a partner, or a different kind of time/attention. If it's ongoing it feels terrible and I can't imagine enjoying a relationship that was primarily or largely driven by huge ongoing jealousy issues. That needs some talking out.
16. How do you feel about compersion?
Compersion is pretty great. It took me years to develop a really good sense of it, but I definitely enjoy seeing my partners happy. It requires a certain lens or effort to achieve sometimes, but gets easier with practice.
17. How do you experience love?
This question has, maybe, this whole journal as an answer and then some.
18. Do you think non-monogamy is more natural than monogamy?
The word natural gets such a big side-eye from me. Too many weird assumptions. I think people often will see and like shiny new folks. What they do with that will vary. Um. Social structures around types of sexual and familial relationships will also vary, as will individuals' desires and actions in and out of those structures.
19. Are you currently looking for any more relationships?
No, my dance card is pretty full. Now that I've met another very interesting person I don't think I'll even have time for additional weekend flings even though I'm long distance.
20. What would your ideal relationships be?
I'll have to come back to this. Big answer.
21. Do you want to live with one or more of your partners?
Yes, I love domestic reationships with someone who fits me well. Where we'd live is a big question for me now.
22. How do your desires about having children fit with your non-monogamy?
I don't think this changes them substantially. Some partners would want to be involved with children, some would not, and a flexible relationship structure enables people to settle where they're comfortable in that regard.
23. Are you out about being non-monogamous?
At home, yes. I wasn't going to come out much up here in this small town, but now that I have two actively visiting partners I certainly will. This process started today and will be... interesting.
24. What’s your favorite book about non-monogamy?
Nope.
25. How do you feel about the portrayal of non-monogamy in the media?
Damaging. Gross. Took me/is taking me decades to resolve all the awful messaging baked into everything. I do not only really love my partners if I sacrifice everything for them. I really love my partners by knowing what I can offer, knowing my limitations and capabilities, and being honest about that. I still hear the little voice saying "if you really loved me you'd give up everyone else for me" though.
That voice is wrong.
My relationships are also just as weird and wonderful as anyone else's, with as much chance of failure. Unfairness to a partner comes from not taking their needs into account, not from the act of taking other lovers on its own.
26. What’s been the most rewarding thing about non-monogamy?
The amazing people in my life. Having the freedom to explore connections with folks without having to stuff them into boxes where they don't belong.
27. What’s been the most challenging thing about non-monogamy?
Knowing myself, my needs, and what I can offer with such certainty that it can't be shaken by externals.
28. What do you think is important for a successful non-monogamous relationship?
Self-knowledge. Communication. Love. Empathy. Time and energy.
1. What type of non-monogamous relationships do you have?
All my relationships are non-monogamous.
I currently have what I would consider a full partnership where we're very emotionally intimate and we spend a lot of time (3 or 4/7 days per week) together. We are seek each other's advice frequently but not permission, even for big changes like moving across the country. This hasn't been decided to be a permanent relationship; to do that we'd need to sort out the career/long distance/living/children situation and neither of us has been inclined to do that yet.
I also have a wide range of people who fall in the 'close friends and/or I love them and sexual intimacy is not off the table'. In practice this means I cycle into and out of closer contact with them, into and out of sexual relationships, into and out of frequent contact.
In the past I've enjoyed relatively stable arrangements with one domestic(live in) partner and one dating (2-3 days per week) partner but I'm too busy for that right now.
Revised: I currently have a part time/long distance partnership with Dave as described above, that has somewhat de-escalated with distance. The question of it permanence has still not been decided. I have a girlfriend who I've been seeing occasionally for quite awhile who is an important emotional and conversational person in my life. Now I suddenly have another boyfriend who is too new to classify, but at the least promises to be an adventure, conversation, and activity partner.
2. When did you first realize you were non-monogamous?
It's been difficult for me to accept that I'm nonmonogamous. I have been practicing nonmonogamy since I was fifteen or sixteen, but because of internalised biases against it and the difficulty of swimming against that current I have often needed to re-realise that this is an immutable orientation for me. I think I may have finally learned my lesson three or four years ago for good?
3. What have been the best and worst experiences you’ve had coming out as non-monogamous?
The best experience lies in being able to accept and present myself as I am, to feel like I'm authentically interacting with the world. I know this is maybe supposed to be asking about other people's responses to me, but it's my own response to granting myself freedom to speak about who I am and my experiences that really make me happy here.
The worst experiences, without a doubt, are when people tell me I don't really love my partners, when my partners tell me I don't really love them, or when I'm told it's just a phase. My ability to love is pretty deep in my identity and takes up a lot of my time and attention; having all that brushed off or ignored is the worst form of not being seen.
4. How do you feel about your non-monogamy?
This is a dangerous question. I mostly don't feel anything particular about it, I just accept it. Sometimes I find it very frustrating and painful, especially when it is a source of incompatibility in a relationship or when it leads me to feel excluded from casual conversations about my life. In actual practice, when I'm actually experiencing my people, I feel free and secure and comfortable and happy. A lot of the time I think it would be more convenient to be monogamous, it would give me a bigger dating pool and less need to sort quite so many internalised messages out and there would be less scheduling and less social and legal discrimination. The dangerous part is that I'm not monogamous, and when I try to act as though I am there are negative consequences, so thinking about the inconvenience doesn't benefit me.
5. How did your family react to you being non-monogamous?
Very neutrally.
6. What does marriage mean to you?
It's a public, social sanction of strong intention between two people who have identified significant life compatibilities and compatible life goals and are going to try to keep those lined up together "forever". I know other people use it for other things. Marriage being limited to single couples, I feel a little wary of it.
7. What do you think about hierarchical non-monogamy?
As generally practiced it may be too rigid for my tastes, maybe? Because all my people feel so different, it's hard and kinda gross to set up categories like that. I tend to prefer to have a fairly clear sense of my priorities in different areas with different folks. I can easily get behind being with one partner who is prioritized in many ways, but... I dunno. It's a pretty broad concept. Super happy for other folk to practice this way.
8. What’s a favorite picture you associate with non-monogamy?
I'm not particularly visual.
9. What’s your view on group sex?
I'm not sure what aspect of group sex this is supposed to address. Interpersonal logistics on group sex can be complicated; I've had some that was lovely and some that felt uncomfy and coerced. Easiest for me is pre-existing groups/couples having sex in parallel in the same space.
Needless to say, it should never be coerced. Not entirely sure what it has to do directly with poly, either. :P
10. What involvement have you had with non-monogamy groups or organizations?
Vanpoly and livejournal poly and dot poly snark community involvement for many years when I was starting. None now. I don't seem to enjoy poly communities much, preferring to figure my relationships out within themselves and find a different reason to socialize with folks, like maybe common interests.
11. What’s the stupidest argument or comment you’ve heard about non-monogamy?
Many folks don't have much knowledge about it. Usually I'm being asked questions, not told things. The undercurrent that I can't possibly love my partners makes me incredibly angry though.
12. What’s your favorite blog or site related to non-monogamy?
I more-or-less stopped reading poly sites several years ago. When I started I went to VanPoly, read a mailing list, was on the livejournal poly community and the lj poly snark community.
This journal, chronicling as it does most of my poly stuff, is probably my favourite resource for myself: I can se what mistakes I've made before, how they felt at the time, and make decisions with that data.
I haven't found books on poly to be super helpful. I think anything that helps with empathy and good communication in general would be excellent as a resource though.
13. What would you like to say to people?
Get over it. It really has nothing to do with you.It's just something I'm doing over here in my own time, with my own energy. I'm cool answering your questions if you ask them, I don't mind at all, and in return I'd love if you would stop interpreting my personal behaviour in the light of whether it would fit you or based on the assumptions in your own relationship(s).
I still make hard decisions. In your relationship you make hard decisions. There's no real difference at the heart of it. I'm not some free-spirit person who doesn't live by the rules of consequence. I get consequences. And I probably don't want to have sex with you, it takes someone very particular and special to get me engaged.
14. What do you want to end this series of questions on?
A sense of having created a coherent picture of my relationship style, but I don't think that will occur. Maybe a sense of understanding from others.
15. How do you feel about jealousy?
It's a great indicator emotion. It's unpleasant, like all the indicator emotions, so it calls attention to something. That something, for me, is usually needing more time/attention from a partner, or a different kind of time/attention. If it's ongoing it feels terrible and I can't imagine enjoying a relationship that was primarily or largely driven by huge ongoing jealousy issues. That needs some talking out.
16. How do you feel about compersion?
Compersion is pretty great. It took me years to develop a really good sense of it, but I definitely enjoy seeing my partners happy. It requires a certain lens or effort to achieve sometimes, but gets easier with practice.
17. How do you experience love?
This question has, maybe, this whole journal as an answer and then some.
18. Do you think non-monogamy is more natural than monogamy?
The word natural gets such a big side-eye from me. Too many weird assumptions. I think people often will see and like shiny new folks. What they do with that will vary. Um. Social structures around types of sexual and familial relationships will also vary, as will individuals' desires and actions in and out of those structures.
19. Are you currently looking for any more relationships?
No, my dance card is pretty full. Now that I've met another very interesting person I don't think I'll even have time for additional weekend flings even though I'm long distance.
20. What would your ideal relationships be?
I'll have to come back to this. Big answer.
21. Do you want to live with one or more of your partners?
Yes, I love domestic reationships with someone who fits me well. Where we'd live is a big question for me now.
22. How do your desires about having children fit with your non-monogamy?
I don't think this changes them substantially. Some partners would want to be involved with children, some would not, and a flexible relationship structure enables people to settle where they're comfortable in that regard.
23. Are you out about being non-monogamous?
At home, yes. I wasn't going to come out much up here in this small town, but now that I have two actively visiting partners I certainly will. This process started today and will be... interesting.
24. What’s your favorite book about non-monogamy?
Nope.
25. How do you feel about the portrayal of non-monogamy in the media?
Damaging. Gross. Took me/is taking me decades to resolve all the awful messaging baked into everything. I do not only really love my partners if I sacrifice everything for them. I really love my partners by knowing what I can offer, knowing my limitations and capabilities, and being honest about that. I still hear the little voice saying "if you really loved me you'd give up everyone else for me" though.
That voice is wrong.
My relationships are also just as weird and wonderful as anyone else's, with as much chance of failure. Unfairness to a partner comes from not taking their needs into account, not from the act of taking other lovers on its own.
26. What’s been the most rewarding thing about non-monogamy?
The amazing people in my life. Having the freedom to explore connections with folks without having to stuff them into boxes where they don't belong.
27. What’s been the most challenging thing about non-monogamy?
Knowing myself, my needs, and what I can offer with such certainty that it can't be shaken by externals.
28. What do you think is important for a successful non-monogamous relationship?
Self-knowledge. Communication. Love. Empathy. Time and energy.