Two
Office work, third day, and I have space to think behind the layer of repetitive tasks.
I am thinking about pain, and about choice.
It's always been easy for me to accept my own discomfort in the service of something; I understand that it's usually the price of whatever I want. In relationships, closeness will mean that sometimes edges rub up against each other or knock bits off. Sometimes it will hurt me to be close to someone, or to care about them even from a distance.
I haven't spent a lot of time thinking of that as a normal state of affairs for my partners as well. It's always been hard for me to see people I love in pain, and sometimes it makes me nearly frantic (protip: this helps nothing). I've played with the idea on here that it's ok for me to sometimes cause a lover pain, because that happens, but I'm only now struck with a much larger idea: sometimes someone will be in pain regardless of me, and I'll be powerless there, and they will just hurt, maybe for a long time, and that's how it will be.
This is perhaps the most terrifying thought I've had. That it's normal, that it's part of the deal, to just stand with all those impulses to protect and cherish. That it's part of the deal to witness an entire lifetime's worth of pain in a loved one.
For better or worse, hm? That carries more weight now.
As for choice? Intentionality is a powerful thing.
More later, maybe.
I am thinking about pain, and about choice.
It's always been easy for me to accept my own discomfort in the service of something; I understand that it's usually the price of whatever I want. In relationships, closeness will mean that sometimes edges rub up against each other or knock bits off. Sometimes it will hurt me to be close to someone, or to care about them even from a distance.
I haven't spent a lot of time thinking of that as a normal state of affairs for my partners as well. It's always been hard for me to see people I love in pain, and sometimes it makes me nearly frantic (protip: this helps nothing). I've played with the idea on here that it's ok for me to sometimes cause a lover pain, because that happens, but I'm only now struck with a much larger idea: sometimes someone will be in pain regardless of me, and I'll be powerless there, and they will just hurt, maybe for a long time, and that's how it will be.
This is perhaps the most terrifying thought I've had. That it's normal, that it's part of the deal, to just stand with all those impulses to protect and cherish. That it's part of the deal to witness an entire lifetime's worth of pain in a loved one.
For better or worse, hm? That carries more weight now.
As for choice? Intentionality is a powerful thing.
More later, maybe.