Remorse - Chapter 2
Title: Remorse
Authour: Dana
Pairing: AoixUruha
Rating: NC-17 (for safety)
Warnings: Yaoi, mpreg, non beta
Genre: Angst, smut, med terms, mpreg, yaoi
Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit with this.
“You can’t push just yet sweetie. Just breathe. Everything will be alright, you are doing great.” The midwife advised Uruha in a comforting voice. Didn’t do much good.
As soon as the contraction was over Uruha retorted, “Calling me sweetie, darling, sweetheart and other sugary names does not make this any easier.” He finished the sentence by bursting into tears again.
The midwife and the doctor came pretty fast. Uruha was still in his room, for the moment alone with the midwife. The doctor checked him out and went to talk with his parents telling the midwife to inform him as soon as he is needed which would be around the time “the mother” gets into the transitional phase, which meant when Uruha get fully dilated.
Still on his bed, but instructed to shift his position so that the midwife and doctor can move around freely, his legs spread and supporting them on the edge of the bed.
“You will be fully dilated soon sweetie. Try to relax.”
Uruha gripped the sheets and bent forward feeling a strong urge to bear down and push. This time it wasn’t just his body tensing from the pain. He really felt a very instinctual need to push. “I can’t relax any more. I just know it’s coming out soon.”
The contractions were getting longer, lasting a little over a minute, and coming about faster. Giving in and starting to push Uruha heard the woman yell for the doctor to come in. When the pain finally subsided Uruha noticed his parents were in the room too. While he looked at them the doctor spoke.
“Here we go. Soon this will all be over. But now is the most difficult part. I will need you to stay in the upright position as much as you can. This will help speed things up, so no more resting down between the contractions.”
Uruha nodded and looked back at his parents. They looked concerned and scared. He gave into tears again and begged his parents. “Please just get out. I can’t have you two here.”
His mother protested and walked over to his side. “Dad please, get her out of here!” He cried still sad because he knew his mother was only trying to help him and support him.
His father honored his request and left the room pulling his wife out with him.
Uruha closed his eyes and screamed again. The doctor commented that the baby is coming on fast and practically brutally on its mother’s body. To Uruha his words were a blur, his hair was stringy from sweat and he felt the midwife’s hand swipe them from his face. The woman went behind his back to support him in the upright position. She took his hand, untangling from it the sheets Uruha was gripping. When the pain faded she spoke to him.
“Why did you tell them to get out?”
Uruha shivered, emotional pain mixing with the physical. “They want this child. They want their grandchild. I don’t want them here; they will get too emotional and too attached. It will only hurt them more.”
“Won’t it hurt you?” The doctor finally asked, spoke something that wasn’t cold, medical and objective. He looked sadly up at Uruha. He figured the young man wasn’t just cruel in his intentions.
Uruha gave up on all pretenses and excuses, a part of him, a very selfish part of him spoke that this is his flesh and blood so why should he give it up. He threw his head back and cried out, “Yes! It will hurt.”
The contraction kept coming and going, becoming longer and coming on faster. Uruha was instructed to relax slowly after each contraction because it will help the baby come out faster. The midwife instructed him on the breathing.
“And here is the head.” The doctor informed him.
Uruha couldn’t help but ask. “Already?”
The midwife smiled, “Not yet darling. This is just part of the delivery. The head will show up and disappear back into the birth canal when the contractions subside. We will tell you when the head really gets out.”
Uruha nodded and went back to his breathing exercises. And soon it came to that. The doctor told the midwife the baby’s head was coming and she instructed Uruha on the further process.
“You need to do your best not to push now so that you allow the tissue to stretch out on its own. If you push you will tear up.”
Uruha obeyed as best he could, he didn’t like the idea of tearing up. He hissed, feeling a strong burning sensation. He asked the doctor what it was and got a gross response. Other then the fact that he was dilating and stuff, he was also getting stretched out.
“You need to stop bearing down now. Just focus on your breathing and the contractions will guide the baby out.”
Uruha leaned against the midwife and panted through the pain, he fought hard against the urge to push. He heard the doctor say the head is out and he checked to see if the umbilical cord isn’t looped around the baby’s neck. Uruha felt fear flow through him at those words, but relaxed when he heard it was alright.
They told him to continue to push slowly, encouraging him with comforts that it will be over soon. After a few more contraction the shoulders were out and soon the baby was out completely.
After a little while of unpleasant silence he heard the baby cry and shut his eyes.
“Look honey, you have a baby girl.” The midwife told him.
But Uruha only shook his head; he didn’t want to see her.
He heard the doctor’s stern voice. “Open you eyes! You need to hold her.”
He opened his eyes and saw the doctor was holding a squirming little creature covered in greasy looking creamy substance. He offered the baby to Uruha but the other tried to pull back.
The midwife held him and tried to reason with him. “She is just so scared right now. She needs your warmth.”
The doctor placed the baby on Uruha’s chest glad that the other found it in him to hold his child in his arms. The umbilical cord was still attached and the doctor placed a hand on Uruha’s stomach to feel if his uterus has started contracting again.
Uruha was in a trance. He saw the baby calming down in his arms. He even found a smile in him, she was gross but he didn’t seem to mind, and he felt exhausted.
The doctor pulled slightly on the umbilical cord when he felt the uterus finally started contacting again. That got Uruha’s attention. He looked down at the doctor.
“What are you doing?”
“Delivering the placenta.” Doctor replied plainly. “You might need to push a bit. But don’t worry, this will be painless.”
The midwife smiled, “Try breastfeeding the baby, the suckling she makes will make your uterus contract faster so it can speed up the process.”
Uruha frowned, “If it’s not necessary, I’m not doing it!” He looked at the doctor.
“No it’s not necessary.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So after the placenta got out the doctor took the baby. I was so tired and I think I passed out. When I woke up the next day that baby was still in my room. My mom told me that they could have just taken her but it will be best for her to stay close to me for a while. Just in case something happens. You pretty much know the rest.”
Aoi nodded. “When I came by your house that day and your dad told me you had the baby during the night I almost fainted. When I came into your room you were still asleep. Your mom shoved me that baby.” Aoi smiled.
“You were in my room before I woke up?”
“Yes, when I came by early in the morning the doctor had just left. He stayed there through the night to monitor you and the baby. Your mom led me to your room and the cot they placed there. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before, but we were all scared of your reactions. You told me you would never see me again if I took that baby. While you were still out of it that day I got to hold her. She was awake but calm. That was the only time I held her, she was taken out of your house three days after birth.”
When Aoi finished Uruha burst into tears breaking Aoi’s theory that he will get mad at him. Uruha leaned into Aoi’s embrace.
“I’m glad you got to hold her. I was kicking myself thinking how it’s all my fault you never even held her, I thought you only got to see her.”
Aoi held him tightly and kissed the top of his head. “Did you ever hold her, I mean besides the night she was born?”
Uruha nodded and left the hug. He wiped his tears with his sleeve and sniffed a bit before he spoke. “The day they took her away. In the morning, she was crying and no one was coming up to tend to her. I got worried when no one came and she just kept crying so much. She looked almost like she was in pain. So I got out of bed and walked over to her cot. I picked her up but I couldn’t tell what was wrong with her. She smelled ok. I was desperate, I didn’t know anything and I was left alone with her. I didn’t know how to prepare her formula or how warm the milk should be.”
“So what did you do?”
“I offered her myself.” Uruha shrugged his shoulders trying to make it sound casual but Aoi could see this was hurting him deeply. “I fed her myself.”
“You mean you breastfed her?”
Uruha nodded. “I was freaked out and desperate. I hoped she would have some kind of instinct as to what she needs to do. And she did. Later on I found out I wasn’t really alone with the baby. My entire family was downstairs waiting for me to take her and tend to her. It was my mother’s plan. Apparently, breastfeeding releases some hormones that help with recovery after giving birth. That whole day, when ever she was hungry I fed her, simply and strangely enough because I really wanted to.”
Uruha shivered, “And then in the evening the doctor came with a social worker and they took her away.” He cried again and Aoi collected him into his arms.
After a while of careful thinking Aoi gathered up the nerve to finally ask, “Uruha, you know we can’t get her back, but would you feel better if you saw her?” He felt Uruha tense in his arms.
“I thought about it. But I’m not sure how I would feel if I ever saw her. I’m not sure I could let go again.” He sat up straight and looked Aoi in the eyes. “I asked the doctor once, he said she is with a nice family and she is happy. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before; I didn’t want you to worry about me getting too obsessed.”
Aoi nodded, “I understand. But still, we need to do something. You need to let go and move on.”
Uruha got up and offered Aoi his hand, “I know. Let’s go to bed, I’m tired.”
It was simply a way to avoid any further talk on the subject. Last year Aoi asked him to go talk with a therapist, a few weeks ago it was some book written by a woman who had to give up her child because she was too young and his mother read about it somewhere. He did have an idea in mind on how he could collect himself and move on.
When Aoi got ready for bed and joined him under the covers Uruha decided to share his thoughts with him. The only problem was that he didn’t think he had the right to get what he wanted.
Uruha nudged Aoi to alert him he wasn’t just going to go to sleep. “Aoi I want a baby.”
“What?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“I want to have a baby. They say our first child is happy and in a good home. I have no right to ask to get her back. She has a family and I want my own.” Uruha felt a mixture of embarrassment and guilt saying that so he actually pulled the covers over his head to avoid Aoi’s gaze.
Aoi smiled and pulled the blanket Uruha was loosely holding over his head, he wanted to look into Uruha’s eyes. When he found his lover’s pretty face he smiled at him. “You want us to have kids?” He leaned over and kissed Uruha’s lips, still smiling.
Uruha nodded and blushed, he was so glad it was dark. Talking about having sex isn’t really that bad, but asking Aoi to knock him up again was something completely different. He bit his lip before he asked, “Do you want to have kids with me? I mean our own kids that we can raise and all.”
“So you want more than one child?” Aoi grinned. “Listen, you are very vulnerable now, take a few days to think things through and if you still feel the same way, darling I will give you as many kids as you want or can have.”
Uruha smiled and pulled Aoi down to kiss him. He knew Aoi was right and he should think about it some more, but the fact is he has been thinking about it for a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Word from Dana:
Like I said, this fic will be shorter. But don't worry there will be about 3 more chapters of this fic. And no, we will not be following through another pregnancy. That would take too many chapters. The first baby thing is not over, after all this fic is named "Remorse" so in order for it to have a happy end I need to find a way to get the "real" parents to meat their child. And that is where this fic will end.
As you might have guessed or hoped, the next chapter will have smut in it. *grins like crazy* after all, there is a baby to be made! X3
And you won't be getting the third chapter until I first write the epilogue for "Understanding".
Oh boy, I talk to much... *hides under covers and talks to herself* need to get to work on the epilogue... I promised the nice people I would... yes my precious... we needs to write *pets comp*
Authour: Dana
Pairing: AoixUruha
Rating: NC-17 (for safety)
Warnings: Yaoi, mpreg, non beta
Genre: Angst, smut, med terms, mpreg, yaoi
Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit with this.
“You can’t push just yet sweetie. Just breathe. Everything will be alright, you are doing great.” The midwife advised Uruha in a comforting voice. Didn’t do much good.
As soon as the contraction was over Uruha retorted, “Calling me sweetie, darling, sweetheart and other sugary names does not make this any easier.” He finished the sentence by bursting into tears again.
The midwife and the doctor came pretty fast. Uruha was still in his room, for the moment alone with the midwife. The doctor checked him out and went to talk with his parents telling the midwife to inform him as soon as he is needed which would be around the time “the mother” gets into the transitional phase, which meant when Uruha get fully dilated.
Still on his bed, but instructed to shift his position so that the midwife and doctor can move around freely, his legs spread and supporting them on the edge of the bed.
“You will be fully dilated soon sweetie. Try to relax.”
Uruha gripped the sheets and bent forward feeling a strong urge to bear down and push. This time it wasn’t just his body tensing from the pain. He really felt a very instinctual need to push. “I can’t relax any more. I just know it’s coming out soon.”
The contractions were getting longer, lasting a little over a minute, and coming about faster. Giving in and starting to push Uruha heard the woman yell for the doctor to come in. When the pain finally subsided Uruha noticed his parents were in the room too. While he looked at them the doctor spoke.
“Here we go. Soon this will all be over. But now is the most difficult part. I will need you to stay in the upright position as much as you can. This will help speed things up, so no more resting down between the contractions.”
Uruha nodded and looked back at his parents. They looked concerned and scared. He gave into tears again and begged his parents. “Please just get out. I can’t have you two here.”
His mother protested and walked over to his side. “Dad please, get her out of here!” He cried still sad because he knew his mother was only trying to help him and support him.
His father honored his request and left the room pulling his wife out with him.
Uruha closed his eyes and screamed again. The doctor commented that the baby is coming on fast and practically brutally on its mother’s body. To Uruha his words were a blur, his hair was stringy from sweat and he felt the midwife’s hand swipe them from his face. The woman went behind his back to support him in the upright position. She took his hand, untangling from it the sheets Uruha was gripping. When the pain faded she spoke to him.
“Why did you tell them to get out?”
Uruha shivered, emotional pain mixing with the physical. “They want this child. They want their grandchild. I don’t want them here; they will get too emotional and too attached. It will only hurt them more.”
“Won’t it hurt you?” The doctor finally asked, spoke something that wasn’t cold, medical and objective. He looked sadly up at Uruha. He figured the young man wasn’t just cruel in his intentions.
Uruha gave up on all pretenses and excuses, a part of him, a very selfish part of him spoke that this is his flesh and blood so why should he give it up. He threw his head back and cried out, “Yes! It will hurt.”
The contraction kept coming and going, becoming longer and coming on faster. Uruha was instructed to relax slowly after each contraction because it will help the baby come out faster. The midwife instructed him on the breathing.
“And here is the head.” The doctor informed him.
Uruha couldn’t help but ask. “Already?”
The midwife smiled, “Not yet darling. This is just part of the delivery. The head will show up and disappear back into the birth canal when the contractions subside. We will tell you when the head really gets out.”
Uruha nodded and went back to his breathing exercises. And soon it came to that. The doctor told the midwife the baby’s head was coming and she instructed Uruha on the further process.
“You need to do your best not to push now so that you allow the tissue to stretch out on its own. If you push you will tear up.”
Uruha obeyed as best he could, he didn’t like the idea of tearing up. He hissed, feeling a strong burning sensation. He asked the doctor what it was and got a gross response. Other then the fact that he was dilating and stuff, he was also getting stretched out.
“You need to stop bearing down now. Just focus on your breathing and the contractions will guide the baby out.”
Uruha leaned against the midwife and panted through the pain, he fought hard against the urge to push. He heard the doctor say the head is out and he checked to see if the umbilical cord isn’t looped around the baby’s neck. Uruha felt fear flow through him at those words, but relaxed when he heard it was alright.
They told him to continue to push slowly, encouraging him with comforts that it will be over soon. After a few more contraction the shoulders were out and soon the baby was out completely.
After a little while of unpleasant silence he heard the baby cry and shut his eyes.
“Look honey, you have a baby girl.” The midwife told him.
But Uruha only shook his head; he didn’t want to see her.
He heard the doctor’s stern voice. “Open you eyes! You need to hold her.”
He opened his eyes and saw the doctor was holding a squirming little creature covered in greasy looking creamy substance. He offered the baby to Uruha but the other tried to pull back.
The midwife held him and tried to reason with him. “She is just so scared right now. She needs your warmth.”
The doctor placed the baby on Uruha’s chest glad that the other found it in him to hold his child in his arms. The umbilical cord was still attached and the doctor placed a hand on Uruha’s stomach to feel if his uterus has started contracting again.
Uruha was in a trance. He saw the baby calming down in his arms. He even found a smile in him, she was gross but he didn’t seem to mind, and he felt exhausted.
The doctor pulled slightly on the umbilical cord when he felt the uterus finally started contacting again. That got Uruha’s attention. He looked down at the doctor.
“What are you doing?”
“Delivering the placenta.” Doctor replied plainly. “You might need to push a bit. But don’t worry, this will be painless.”
The midwife smiled, “Try breastfeeding the baby, the suckling she makes will make your uterus contract faster so it can speed up the process.”
Uruha frowned, “If it’s not necessary, I’m not doing it!” He looked at the doctor.
“No it’s not necessary.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So after the placenta got out the doctor took the baby. I was so tired and I think I passed out. When I woke up the next day that baby was still in my room. My mom told me that they could have just taken her but it will be best for her to stay close to me for a while. Just in case something happens. You pretty much know the rest.”
Aoi nodded. “When I came by your house that day and your dad told me you had the baby during the night I almost fainted. When I came into your room you were still asleep. Your mom shoved me that baby.” Aoi smiled.
“You were in my room before I woke up?”
“Yes, when I came by early in the morning the doctor had just left. He stayed there through the night to monitor you and the baby. Your mom led me to your room and the cot they placed there. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before, but we were all scared of your reactions. You told me you would never see me again if I took that baby. While you were still out of it that day I got to hold her. She was awake but calm. That was the only time I held her, she was taken out of your house three days after birth.”
When Aoi finished Uruha burst into tears breaking Aoi’s theory that he will get mad at him. Uruha leaned into Aoi’s embrace.
“I’m glad you got to hold her. I was kicking myself thinking how it’s all my fault you never even held her, I thought you only got to see her.”
Aoi held him tightly and kissed the top of his head. “Did you ever hold her, I mean besides the night she was born?”
Uruha nodded and left the hug. He wiped his tears with his sleeve and sniffed a bit before he spoke. “The day they took her away. In the morning, she was crying and no one was coming up to tend to her. I got worried when no one came and she just kept crying so much. She looked almost like she was in pain. So I got out of bed and walked over to her cot. I picked her up but I couldn’t tell what was wrong with her. She smelled ok. I was desperate, I didn’t know anything and I was left alone with her. I didn’t know how to prepare her formula or how warm the milk should be.”
“So what did you do?”
“I offered her myself.” Uruha shrugged his shoulders trying to make it sound casual but Aoi could see this was hurting him deeply. “I fed her myself.”
“You mean you breastfed her?”
Uruha nodded. “I was freaked out and desperate. I hoped she would have some kind of instinct as to what she needs to do. And she did. Later on I found out I wasn’t really alone with the baby. My entire family was downstairs waiting for me to take her and tend to her. It was my mother’s plan. Apparently, breastfeeding releases some hormones that help with recovery after giving birth. That whole day, when ever she was hungry I fed her, simply and strangely enough because I really wanted to.”
Uruha shivered, “And then in the evening the doctor came with a social worker and they took her away.” He cried again and Aoi collected him into his arms.
After a while of careful thinking Aoi gathered up the nerve to finally ask, “Uruha, you know we can’t get her back, but would you feel better if you saw her?” He felt Uruha tense in his arms.
“I thought about it. But I’m not sure how I would feel if I ever saw her. I’m not sure I could let go again.” He sat up straight and looked Aoi in the eyes. “I asked the doctor once, he said she is with a nice family and she is happy. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before; I didn’t want you to worry about me getting too obsessed.”
Aoi nodded, “I understand. But still, we need to do something. You need to let go and move on.”
Uruha got up and offered Aoi his hand, “I know. Let’s go to bed, I’m tired.”
It was simply a way to avoid any further talk on the subject. Last year Aoi asked him to go talk with a therapist, a few weeks ago it was some book written by a woman who had to give up her child because she was too young and his mother read about it somewhere. He did have an idea in mind on how he could collect himself and move on.
When Aoi got ready for bed and joined him under the covers Uruha decided to share his thoughts with him. The only problem was that he didn’t think he had the right to get what he wanted.
Uruha nudged Aoi to alert him he wasn’t just going to go to sleep. “Aoi I want a baby.”
“What?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“I want to have a baby. They say our first child is happy and in a good home. I have no right to ask to get her back. She has a family and I want my own.” Uruha felt a mixture of embarrassment and guilt saying that so he actually pulled the covers over his head to avoid Aoi’s gaze.
Aoi smiled and pulled the blanket Uruha was loosely holding over his head, he wanted to look into Uruha’s eyes. When he found his lover’s pretty face he smiled at him. “You want us to have kids?” He leaned over and kissed Uruha’s lips, still smiling.
Uruha nodded and blushed, he was so glad it was dark. Talking about having sex isn’t really that bad, but asking Aoi to knock him up again was something completely different. He bit his lip before he asked, “Do you want to have kids with me? I mean our own kids that we can raise and all.”
“So you want more than one child?” Aoi grinned. “Listen, you are very vulnerable now, take a few days to think things through and if you still feel the same way, darling I will give you as many kids as you want or can have.”
Uruha smiled and pulled Aoi down to kiss him. He knew Aoi was right and he should think about it some more, but the fact is he has been thinking about it for a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Word from Dana:
Like I said, this fic will be shorter. But don't worry there will be about 3 more chapters of this fic. And no, we will not be following through another pregnancy. That would take too many chapters. The first baby thing is not over, after all this fic is named "Remorse" so in order for it to have a happy end I need to find a way to get the "real" parents to meat their child. And that is where this fic will end.
As you might have guessed or hoped, the next chapter will have smut in it. *grins like crazy* after all, there is a baby to be made! X3
And you won't be getting the third chapter until I first write the epilogue for "Understanding".
Oh boy, I talk to much... *hides under covers and talks to herself* need to get to work on the epilogue... I promised the nice people I would... yes my precious... we needs to write *pets comp*