***HELP ME, HELP YOU***
You know, it's funny. In the last week I've been told I'm beautiful, skinny, smart, and would make a great mom. All of which by people who barely know me. I think compliments are best when they're made by people who don't know you very well, because then it seems more sincere. For someone who was told all of those things my self esteem is at an all time low.
The person who called me beautiful made me feel good, because it was honest. It was made by someone who truly cares about me. Someone who has nothing to gain by such a simple compliment. I was told I was too skinny by Alexis (a co-worker). We were sitting on the couch at work and she had to plug her phone in but the outlet was behind the couch. She stood up and started to ask me to get up but she stopped mid-sentence and goes "You know what??" and moved the couch with me on it. Then she goes "I knew it! Girl you need to eat something!!" That was nice to hear because lately I've gained weight and it's starting to show and it makes me want to become anorexic, but I love food way too much. It's looking like I'm gonna have to start putting this free gym membership to good use. Then another day last week I was trying to get Raymone (a non-verbal autistic 6-year-old we have at work) to take his meds. He is the hardest kid to give meds to because he's no dummy. He won't take it plain like all the other kids so we've been diluting the pills in water but he enjoys spitting it everywhere. We tried other creative ways like stuffing it in donuts, ice cream, and any other sugary fun to eat food. Sometimes it works, sometimes he knows better. So the other day he was sitting in the corner of the kitchen just chillin and I had crushed it up and put it in some Trix yogurt. At first he laughed and shook his head no with his mouth tightly shut. So for some reason I started making the baby-like airplane noises and zooming the spoon around. Next thing I know he's laughing, so I kept up the noises and when I was halfway to his mouth he had it wide open, anxiously awaiting, so at the last second I made a screeching noise and flew the "plane" backwards. He grabbed me by my wrist and chomped down on the yogurt. Natachia (another co-worker) goes "Awww Nikki, you're going to make a GREAT mom one day!" It made me smile on the inside, and those are the best smiles. At my job there are only 2 necessities that you should always have with you, a DS and a book. When you're on the bottom of the food chain you get stuck holding the quiet room door. Sometimes it takes hours before the kid can come out. If it's nothing but strong staff on the shift someone has to volunteer. I always bring a book with me just in case. Today I had set my stuff down on the counter at work and Jennifer (who always harasses me about what I'm reading) picks up my book and goes "What are you reading now?? Hey, wait a sec, this isn't the book you had the other day!!" and I was like "Yeah, I stayed up late Friday finishing that one..." She looked at me like I was crazy. She goes "Girl, you are obviously very, very smart and very well-read. You need to get your butt back in school!"
Work is going really good. At first I was pissed off when my bosses put all that pressure on me to be the next Sherry since that bitch decided to only work weekends. But now I'm HBIC [Head Bitch In Charge] of second shift and I love it. It took me a couple weeks to get used to being the boss but now I've embraced it. I get to do whatever the fuck I want with my employees and I get to screw around, at least when things are calm. Some days are better than others but it comes with the territory. Sometimes being in charge of 35 kids and 6 employees can be exhausting. It makes me feel good because there are other people they could've given this type of responsiblity to but they chose me. It means they believe that I can rise to the occassion. So far, so good.
The first order of business on my work to-do list was getting rid of Kristen. One day last week I looked at the schedule and saw that it was me, Kristen, and Natachia. That would've been a total disaster. My bosses were at lunch at that time so I asked Jennifer (she's the next notch on the ladder under my bosses) if she thought my boss would let me switch Kristen for Alexis. Jennifer asked why and I told her the issues I was having with Kristen. Little did I know that Jennifer can't stand Kristen. You could hear the "cha-ching!" in my head. Apparently Jennifer went to our boss about her issues with Kristen but said she was brushed off and it made it look like she just had a personal problem with Kristen. Since her way didn't work I decided to try another route. When my boss got back I asked if I could swap a kid in 1 group for a kid in another group. My boss said she didn't mind but asked why I wanted to switch them. I told her it was because Kristen harassed one of the kids and I didn't want him in her group. She's like "Oh yeah? Ok, if you think it'll help." Then a few minutes later she doubles back and goes "So what exactly does she do to the child??" Did you see what I did there? I planted the seed in her head and let her water it. Turns out I didn't have to do anything after that because Kristen sunk herself. (They always do.) A little while later one of our other (autistic) kids comes screaming through the house in typical fashion. He was screaming so loud (louder than normal) that my bosses came tearing out of their office because they thought someone was dying, and when they asked him why the hell he was screaming so loud he goes "KRISTEN WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! SHE TOOK MY STUFF AND I DON'T TRUST HER WITH IT!!!!!!!" The whole time the boss that I told was looking at me and through gritted teeth she goes "Really??" and I just gave her this half, told you so smile. So they went out and talked to Kristen and she came up with some bullshit excuse then my boss came in and asked me what I had seen, so I told her. She asked to speak to Kristen and I guess they ripped her a new one then kicked her out of my house and sent her to Hunter's house. My boss was like "So she doesn't do good over here?" and I was like "Well not with Family A, but Family B doesn't work well with her either." and she goes "Well we can't put her at House 2, because all the kids of over there don't like her either. What about House 3?" which is Hunter's house. I kind of winced because she IS good with the kids at that house (most of them aren't bad at all.) however, she is extremely mean to Hunter (never EVER in front of me because she knows better!) because she knows at work I'm untouchable so she takes it out on Hunter to get back at me. Jennifer was happy that the bitch got in huge trouble. I'm very, very close to getting her fired, it's only a matter of time.
People underestimate my vow of revenge. If there is one thing that everyone needs to know about me it's that if you fuck me over you can bet your ass I will get my revenge. It may take a day, or a month, or even a year, but it WILL be avenged. Some people make it too easy, while others test my patience. Either way, I always find a way to get them back. Today, after about a year I finalized revenge against someone, let's just call her Mister Ed. *giggles* I know a certain someone knows who I'm talking about!! Anyway, this person used to work with me and they had pictures of one of our kids on their Myspace. For those who don't know that's a BIG illegal no-no! You would get in enough trouble if you had pics of the kids up and you worked there, it's even worse when you don't work there any more. So I immediately sent a message to Kimmy (a co-worker. She's from Jersey, enough said.) and asked if Mister Ed would get in trouble for that. She said yes. So yesterday Sherry was on Myspace at work and I was like "Hey, did you know Mister Ed has pics of **** on her page???" and Sherry was like "Really??? You need to tell Kim and JoAnn!!" Well, Kat was sitting there too being nosy and she's all "Why are you up in that girl's business??" I just rolled my eyes and told her that Mister Ed shouldn't be breaking the law. Well, this morning Kimmy mentioned the pics to Kat right in front of Jennifer. Of course Jennifer starts freaking out and goes "You have to tell Kim and JoAnn!!" and Kimmy said she didn't want to get involved so Jennifer told them. I don't know what my boss is going to do about it but Mister Ed is in for a rude awakening. On my way to work today I get this text from a number that isn't in my phone, asking about Mister Ed's page. I thought it was Kimmy and that maybe she had gotten a new number or something. So we're texting back and forth, then the other person starts getting an attitude and talking trash, and I realized it wasn't Kimmy. I thought it was Mister Ed, so I started going off and was ready to throw down. Turns out it was Kat. She's all pissed and she didn't even really work with Mister Ed much so I don't know why she's defending her, but whatever. I'm waiting for the phone call or text from Mister Ed to know that my revenge has been made.
The main focus of tonight's One Tree Hill was death. Death has been in my brain a lot lately. Especially with October coming up so fast. Then November, then December, then January, then February. I wish the calendar only consisted of March through September, then everything would be all good. I hate the end of the year! I'm really not looking forward to next month at all. Needless to say, I cried through half of the show. You'd think that dealing with all the death that I've had to, starting from a very young age, that I'd have built an immunity to it by now. I wish it were that simple. I try to stay strong and keep a smile, but it's honestly only made of plaster. I can fake a smile with the best of them. I'm beginning to think that I was put here on this Earth to help people who have lost their dads. It's no joke. It seems like every other person I come in contact with has either lost their dad before we met or after we became friends. To prove a point there's been Nikki, Kerri, Brooke, Ericka, Lifemate, Chante'l, and Sherry, just to name a few. I almost feel like I had to go through my loss in order to help them with theirs. Make sense? It isn't limited to people who have only lost their dads, but I seem to gravitate towards people who have lost someone close to them. Maybe it's a comfort thing, I don't know. The really weird thing is I've been having this sinking feeling in my gut that I'm supposed to die young. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, I just do. Like I'm not supposed to live a full life. In a way it's scary, because my gut is never wrong, but in a way it's peaceful because I know I'll leave this Earth when I've accomplished whatever it is I was sent here to do.
It's funny, I've taken a serious issue and I've come full circle with it. If 10 years ago you'd asked me a question about this issue I would've told you to fuck off and that it would never happen in a million years. In a way I guess a peaceful feeling has come over me. I guess that's what growing up is all about. I've dealt with part of the issue, the part that doesn't really involve me, whereas the part that DOES involve me I'm still holding at arms length. It probably doesn't make sense to a lot of you, but I'm not ready to discuss it with the whole wide LJ world yet.
Nikki is a whole other story. She has had me going on highs and lows for days now. The other day she told me, and I quote, "I do love you and I do want to be with you." then the next text said "But I don't trust you with my heart." *sigh* In the words of my Lifemate "Cop out!" Earlier we got into it and she goes "I've got a date tonight." My first initial reaction was to cry, then my head told me I was being an idiot and I came to my senses. Yeah, she had a "date", just like she "made out with 3 strippers" and got "laid." *rolls eyes* I can't handle her drama any more, especially right now with everything I've got going on. More wisdom from my Lifemate, "Love isn't supposed to hurt." I couldn't have said it better myself. It's time that I hop off this emotional rollercoaster and find someone who is good to me and loves me for who I am. Not someone who enjoys making me miserable. Someone who puts a ring on my finger with a promise of forever and honors that promise. I can't play these childish games any more. I'm done.
The person who called me beautiful made me feel good, because it was honest. It was made by someone who truly cares about me. Someone who has nothing to gain by such a simple compliment. I was told I was too skinny by Alexis (a co-worker). We were sitting on the couch at work and she had to plug her phone in but the outlet was behind the couch. She stood up and started to ask me to get up but she stopped mid-sentence and goes "You know what??" and moved the couch with me on it. Then she goes "I knew it! Girl you need to eat something!!" That was nice to hear because lately I've gained weight and it's starting to show and it makes me want to become anorexic, but I love food way too much. It's looking like I'm gonna have to start putting this free gym membership to good use. Then another day last week I was trying to get Raymone (a non-verbal autistic 6-year-old we have at work) to take his meds. He is the hardest kid to give meds to because he's no dummy. He won't take it plain like all the other kids so we've been diluting the pills in water but he enjoys spitting it everywhere. We tried other creative ways like stuffing it in donuts, ice cream, and any other sugary fun to eat food. Sometimes it works, sometimes he knows better. So the other day he was sitting in the corner of the kitchen just chillin and I had crushed it up and put it in some Trix yogurt. At first he laughed and shook his head no with his mouth tightly shut. So for some reason I started making the baby-like airplane noises and zooming the spoon around. Next thing I know he's laughing, so I kept up the noises and when I was halfway to his mouth he had it wide open, anxiously awaiting, so at the last second I made a screeching noise and flew the "plane" backwards. He grabbed me by my wrist and chomped down on the yogurt. Natachia (another co-worker) goes "Awww Nikki, you're going to make a GREAT mom one day!" It made me smile on the inside, and those are the best smiles. At my job there are only 2 necessities that you should always have with you, a DS and a book. When you're on the bottom of the food chain you get stuck holding the quiet room door. Sometimes it takes hours before the kid can come out. If it's nothing but strong staff on the shift someone has to volunteer. I always bring a book with me just in case. Today I had set my stuff down on the counter at work and Jennifer (who always harasses me about what I'm reading) picks up my book and goes "What are you reading now?? Hey, wait a sec, this isn't the book you had the other day!!" and I was like "Yeah, I stayed up late Friday finishing that one..." She looked at me like I was crazy. She goes "Girl, you are obviously very, very smart and very well-read. You need to get your butt back in school!"
Work is going really good. At first I was pissed off when my bosses put all that pressure on me to be the next Sherry since that bitch decided to only work weekends. But now I'm HBIC [Head Bitch In Charge] of second shift and I love it. It took me a couple weeks to get used to being the boss but now I've embraced it. I get to do whatever the fuck I want with my employees and I get to screw around, at least when things are calm. Some days are better than others but it comes with the territory. Sometimes being in charge of 35 kids and 6 employees can be exhausting. It makes me feel good because there are other people they could've given this type of responsiblity to but they chose me. It means they believe that I can rise to the occassion. So far, so good.
The first order of business on my work to-do list was getting rid of Kristen. One day last week I looked at the schedule and saw that it was me, Kristen, and Natachia. That would've been a total disaster. My bosses were at lunch at that time so I asked Jennifer (she's the next notch on the ladder under my bosses) if she thought my boss would let me switch Kristen for Alexis. Jennifer asked why and I told her the issues I was having with Kristen. Little did I know that Jennifer can't stand Kristen. You could hear the "cha-ching!" in my head. Apparently Jennifer went to our boss about her issues with Kristen but said she was brushed off and it made it look like she just had a personal problem with Kristen. Since her way didn't work I decided to try another route. When my boss got back I asked if I could swap a kid in 1 group for a kid in another group. My boss said she didn't mind but asked why I wanted to switch them. I told her it was because Kristen harassed one of the kids and I didn't want him in her group. She's like "Oh yeah? Ok, if you think it'll help." Then a few minutes later she doubles back and goes "So what exactly does she do to the child??" Did you see what I did there? I planted the seed in her head and let her water it. Turns out I didn't have to do anything after that because Kristen sunk herself. (They always do.) A little while later one of our other (autistic) kids comes screaming through the house in typical fashion. He was screaming so loud (louder than normal) that my bosses came tearing out of their office because they thought someone was dying, and when they asked him why the hell he was screaming so loud he goes "KRISTEN WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! SHE TOOK MY STUFF AND I DON'T TRUST HER WITH IT!!!!!!!" The whole time the boss that I told was looking at me and through gritted teeth she goes "Really??" and I just gave her this half, told you so smile. So they went out and talked to Kristen and she came up with some bullshit excuse then my boss came in and asked me what I had seen, so I told her. She asked to speak to Kristen and I guess they ripped her a new one then kicked her out of my house and sent her to Hunter's house. My boss was like "So she doesn't do good over here?" and I was like "Well not with Family A, but Family B doesn't work well with her either." and she goes "Well we can't put her at House 2, because all the kids of over there don't like her either. What about House 3?" which is Hunter's house. I kind of winced because she IS good with the kids at that house (most of them aren't bad at all.) however, she is extremely mean to Hunter (never EVER in front of me because she knows better!) because she knows at work I'm untouchable so she takes it out on Hunter to get back at me. Jennifer was happy that the bitch got in huge trouble. I'm very, very close to getting her fired, it's only a matter of time.
People underestimate my vow of revenge. If there is one thing that everyone needs to know about me it's that if you fuck me over you can bet your ass I will get my revenge. It may take a day, or a month, or even a year, but it WILL be avenged. Some people make it too easy, while others test my patience. Either way, I always find a way to get them back. Today, after about a year I finalized revenge against someone, let's just call her Mister Ed. *giggles* I know a certain someone knows who I'm talking about!! Anyway, this person used to work with me and they had pictures of one of our kids on their Myspace. For those who don't know that's a BIG illegal no-no! You would get in enough trouble if you had pics of the kids up and you worked there, it's even worse when you don't work there any more. So I immediately sent a message to Kimmy (a co-worker. She's from Jersey, enough said.) and asked if Mister Ed would get in trouble for that. She said yes. So yesterday Sherry was on Myspace at work and I was like "Hey, did you know Mister Ed has pics of **** on her page???" and Sherry was like "Really??? You need to tell Kim and JoAnn!!" Well, Kat was sitting there too being nosy and she's all "Why are you up in that girl's business??" I just rolled my eyes and told her that Mister Ed shouldn't be breaking the law. Well, this morning Kimmy mentioned the pics to Kat right in front of Jennifer. Of course Jennifer starts freaking out and goes "You have to tell Kim and JoAnn!!" and Kimmy said she didn't want to get involved so Jennifer told them. I don't know what my boss is going to do about it but Mister Ed is in for a rude awakening. On my way to work today I get this text from a number that isn't in my phone, asking about Mister Ed's page. I thought it was Kimmy and that maybe she had gotten a new number or something. So we're texting back and forth, then the other person starts getting an attitude and talking trash, and I realized it wasn't Kimmy. I thought it was Mister Ed, so I started going off and was ready to throw down. Turns out it was Kat. She's all pissed and she didn't even really work with Mister Ed much so I don't know why she's defending her, but whatever. I'm waiting for the phone call or text from Mister Ed to know that my revenge has been made.
The main focus of tonight's One Tree Hill was death. Death has been in my brain a lot lately. Especially with October coming up so fast. Then November, then December, then January, then February. I wish the calendar only consisted of March through September, then everything would be all good. I hate the end of the year! I'm really not looking forward to next month at all. Needless to say, I cried through half of the show. You'd think that dealing with all the death that I've had to, starting from a very young age, that I'd have built an immunity to it by now. I wish it were that simple. I try to stay strong and keep a smile, but it's honestly only made of plaster. I can fake a smile with the best of them. I'm beginning to think that I was put here on this Earth to help people who have lost their dads. It's no joke. It seems like every other person I come in contact with has either lost their dad before we met or after we became friends. To prove a point there's been Nikki, Kerri, Brooke, Ericka, Lifemate, Chante'l, and Sherry, just to name a few. I almost feel like I had to go through my loss in order to help them with theirs. Make sense? It isn't limited to people who have only lost their dads, but I seem to gravitate towards people who have lost someone close to them. Maybe it's a comfort thing, I don't know. The really weird thing is I've been having this sinking feeling in my gut that I'm supposed to die young. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how, I just do. Like I'm not supposed to live a full life. In a way it's scary, because my gut is never wrong, but in a way it's peaceful because I know I'll leave this Earth when I've accomplished whatever it is I was sent here to do.
It's funny, I've taken a serious issue and I've come full circle with it. If 10 years ago you'd asked me a question about this issue I would've told you to fuck off and that it would never happen in a million years. In a way I guess a peaceful feeling has come over me. I guess that's what growing up is all about. I've dealt with part of the issue, the part that doesn't really involve me, whereas the part that DOES involve me I'm still holding at arms length. It probably doesn't make sense to a lot of you, but I'm not ready to discuss it with the whole wide LJ world yet.
Nikki is a whole other story. She has had me going on highs and lows for days now. The other day she told me, and I quote, "I do love you and I do want to be with you." then the next text said "But I don't trust you with my heart." *sigh* In the words of my Lifemate "Cop out!" Earlier we got into it and she goes "I've got a date tonight." My first initial reaction was to cry, then my head told me I was being an idiot and I came to my senses. Yeah, she had a "date", just like she "made out with 3 strippers" and got "laid." *rolls eyes* I can't handle her drama any more, especially right now with everything I've got going on. More wisdom from my Lifemate, "Love isn't supposed to hurt." I couldn't have said it better myself. It's time that I hop off this emotional rollercoaster and find someone who is good to me and loves me for who I am. Not someone who enjoys making me miserable. Someone who puts a ring on my finger with a promise of forever and honors that promise. I can't play these childish games any more. I'm done.