Balewatch Part 12: 3:10 to Yuma
Ann: I BELIEVE YOU, ONE LEG BALE. I know you will professional your way through this tragedy.
Ann: Claimstaker? Jjumpstaker? Claimjumper?
Ann: You do not want Russell Crowe to sit quietly on a horse and look at you.
Me: 'Cows,' thought Ben. 'Cows are neutral evil. I will enlist them in my criminal pastimes.'
Ann: Sometimes you see that look in Russell Crowe's eye that says you're expendable.
Me: And you know it's all over.
Me: Farmer Bale thinks he can bring the cows over to Chaotic Good.
Ann: Trying to bring the cows to Chaotic Good got him into this sorry mess. You have to accept the nature of a cow.
Me: Hey, dumbass Jr. You could help more.
Ann: Hey Farmer Bale JR, the least you could do is help, yeah, what you said. I was going to finish YOUR ONE LEGGED DAD WHO IS A HERO, but yeah...
Me: Horses are Lawful Good.
Ann: If Slightly Jittery Good.
Ann: I ADMIRE YOU, BALE.
Me: HE CAN TURN THE CORNER. HE CAN ROUND THE BLOCK
Ann: IT IS TERRIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR THINGS FROM TERRIBLE PEOPLE. AND LIFE MAKES YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME.
Me: Cows: *mutter* 'We hate dying for a good cause.'
Ann: No wonder they're neutral evil.
Me: Wade: I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT. NEVER AGAIN WILL I LET MYSELF GET DISTRACTED BY PRETTY PEOPLE.
Ann: And yet he already knows that is a lie.
Ann: They are, as the saying goes, so boned.
Me: Professionals keep guns in their underwear drawers.
Me: DESPERATE EYES.
Ann: DON'T WAIT FOR FAVORS FROM GOD, BALE.
me: NO.
Ann: JUST GO OUT THERE AND SHOOT YOUR WAY THROUGH.
Ann: Russell Crowe's behavior in this is stellar. He has the quiet 'sure, do whatever the fuck you like' to all the smug assholes. That's the TRICK. I'm learning life lessons from Russell Crowe.
Ann: Bale kind of doesn't care because douchebag.
Me: Farmer Bale: Am I turning into a cow if I let this happen?
Me: Meanwhile in another part of the landscape...
Ann: On a dustier road with even more tired horses.
Ann: And anywhere you look, probably some cows.
Me: My money's on the cows.
Ann: The Path of Decency, leading to the Track Of Reasonable Behavior, which eventually leads into the Road Of...anyway, most boring roads in the world.
M: USE THE HAMMER, BREAK THE CHAIN. - Wade always was a Fleetwood Mac fan.
Ann: Sean Bean and Alan Tudyk can never be in anything together unless they already have.
Ann: Nice little town.
Me: For a town named Contention.
Me: Farmer Bale: I can't bring more cows into this territory.
Ann: He can't endanger the entire countryside.
Me: Bale: I know what your boyfriend wants.
Ann: BEN WADE. HE IS A HOTTIE. I AM HIS BESTIE.
Me: Ben Wade: My badness level is over my hat, kid.
Ann: "Oh son, you ever met a cow? Well... compared to me... a cow is small potatoes."
Me: Farmer Bale: I am leaving you all. I will professional this all on my own.
Ann: "I only just noticed that all of you suck. ALL OF YOU. Except you, son."
Me: Run like the wind One Legged Bale.
Ann: You can't stop him. he's professional.
Me: Wade: I have HAD IT with your professionalism.
Ann: "Shows of unnecessary professionalism make me SICK!"
Ann: THE DULCIMERS OF COURAGE.
Me: HE'S HARNESSING THE COWS FOR HIS OWN CHAOTIC GOOD.
Ann: I love it when a narrative arc has a satisfying end. GO, COWS. FULFILL YOUR PURPOSE.
Me: SPREAD THE CHAOS.
Me: Me's so crumpled and little.
Ann: he has always crumpled realistically.
Ann: The worst part is the way life really works, the railroad probably said fuck you and didn't give them any money
Me: But then Wade escaped and went back to the ranch and looked after them with his lovely ill-gotten gains.
Ann: So Ben Wade would just have to break out of jail and steal more, yes, that was my general drift.
Ann: You don't get much more professional than dying nobly and sacrificially.
Me: Nope.
Ann: Crowe; Performance: I'm going to have to go with 9.5 and I really don't have that strong of feelings for Russell Crowe. He leveled asshole down to charismatic evil genius. Which takes work.
Me: Holy shit, this might be the very first time in Balewatch history that we have tying scores. THIS MIGHT BE THE MOST PROFESSIONAL MOVIE. It's hard to match Bale for professional.
Ann: IT IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL.
Professional Scores-
Bale:
Character:
Ann: 10
Sally: 10
Personal:
Ann: 9.5
Sally: 9.5
Crowe:
Character
Ann: 10
Sally: 10
Personal
Ann: 9.5
Sally: 9.5
Special Mention:
Doc: Dying Heroically. Again.
Cows: Both for their neutral evil uses and their help in chaotic good.