american idiot
so i finally bought the new green day cd like sexxy_kitten suggested, lol. i like it a bunch, and it feels good to have something familiar ringing in my ears. music has been consuming me for many years now, and i keep having to fight off the urge to be the one on stage, letting the world fall away as i become words, rythms, and emotions instead of my phsycial self. i can't wait to be home for xmas and give a shot to this lead singer thing, haha, but i'm honestly scared shitless. i know once i smoke a jay and fade off into my own world, i will forget about anyone who can hear me and find myself lost in another world where who i am makes no difference. i just read "while i was gone" by sue miller, and the daughter of the main character is named cass and i felt such a connection with her. everything in her life dealt with pain and darkness, but when she stepped onto that stage, she was happy. i hope the same will be true for me. i had my mom listen to one of the two songs i have written (okay, so i'm not a song-writer, lol...i write good lyrics, but i need the help of a band to carry the tune out of the words), and joey told me she cried. i hope that means that she didn't think it was horrible, but rather beautiful, haha. i am getting together with some friends tonight and i think they are bringing rum and a guitar, so we'll see if i let go of myself enough to sing with them. for one thing, they don't speak english and i don't know how to sing any songs in spanish, so i will be singing songs in english alone. and that's another thing, i can't believe i went back to the gym. edison was there and acted soooo cute, and i just couldn't tell him that we should never see each other again. the way he looks me in the eyes, the way he holds me, and the way he kisses me makes me weak in the knees. at first i tried to only kiss him on the cheek to say goodbye, but he was not satisfied with that (and to be honest, neither was i), and i eventually just let myself fall into him again. aaahhh! what am i doing? someone please tell me.