wow, four months

[greendaygrrl44]

my decisions from the past few months are finally catching up with me in a whirlwind of inner-laid questions about my beliefs, who i am, who i have been, who i will be, and oh so much more. my plate is full, and i feel a little sick from looking at all my mistakes and successes swirling together like the mashed potatoes and gravy i puked in when i was 10, fearful that if i didn't provide some sort of dramatic distraction i'd have to eat them all and explode. i keep asking why i am here in ecuador instead of at home, where i feel needed and more sure of myself. how is it that i, miss morality, fell into the trap of lies and cheating? i feel more than ever that

"I am the girl you know, can't look you in the eye
I am the girl you know, so sick I cannot try
And I am the one you want, can't look you in the eye
I am the girl, you know I lie, I lie and lie
I'm Miss World, somebody kill me
Kill me pills
No one cares, my friends
My friend
I'm Miss World, watch me break and watch me burn
No one is listening, my friend
Now I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it
I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it

Cute girls watch when I eat ether
Suck me under
Maybe forever, my friend
Now I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it
I've made my bed, I'll cry in it
I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I am the girl you know, can't look you in the eye" (hole)

how will i rise from the bed i've made up for myself? which path will i choose? how many times will i go back to my temptation instead of keeping my distance? grr. i just need a fucking band to howl at for a while to release myself from my emotions.