I'm trying...I really am.
I'm trying everything I can. I know it doesn't seem like it but I am. I love you. I really do. I'm sorry that I haven't been there.
I'm trying to get a better job.
To get a place.
I want to be with you. I really do. But where? I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to leave this area again. I don't know if I can. I couldn't handle it when we moved to florida. yet I can't be here. Why am I tormented like this? Why am I always presented with these situations? Why do I always burn my bridges? I know where I went wrong. I know what I did wrong. But can I fix it? I don't know. I feel myself slipping. Slipping further and further from the path of whats "right". A path that is so simply traveled by so many. Why can't it be easy for me? Why? Why me? A horrible car. A petty Job. Family that hates me. Friends I don't see. Shannan, who I can't see or talk to as much as I should and want to. Kathryn, who I've done little to nothing for so far. This is what I have earned myself. Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I think I am. Maybe I'm just making excuses. Why? I don't know.
Many nights, I have sat on my bed, thinking about what could be , if I take the "other" path. The path that millions of people have taken. Then path that many have succeeded at. I wonder how hard it would be to live like that. Take what you want with no regard to who it's taken from. Only thinking of your own needs. How easy it would be to just steal for the rest of my life. Everyday I think of the most efficient, and most fool proof plans for thievery. Some are solid, concrete. Some not. All are do-able. Most by myself. And the worst part? I see nothing stopping me. How great it would be to just stop caring all together. Complete disregard repercussions, human life, and morality. As big as those are, just ignore these aspects of life, and it's so easy. It's funny to think that, if this were the "moral dilema" for a character in a movie, or story, there would be someone there for support. Someone to guide me. Someone to show me the light. Open my eyes. But there isn't. I could walk out the front door tomorrow and do this all. and there is no one there to stop me or even slow me down.
