I got what I want, so why am I not happy?
Maybe I am not happy because I have all of these damn hormones rushing through my body like it is a play ground for the whole country...
I have always wanted the house with a fence, a husband that is madly in love with me, the kids, the dogs, the cats...I wanted that perfect family...that perfect TV land life.
I have my home with the fence...no, it isn't white...it is a six foot wooden fence that no one can see into. It is very nice when I want to be outside and hide from everyone. I hide a lot in a lot of different ways.
I have a husband that is madly in love with me and loves me dearly. He would and has done just about anything for me. He is my best friend. He has loved me for years. I just had my wonderful blinders on. He is an excellent father. I couldn't have prayed for someone better.
I have two wonderful children. I have my six year old son and my five year old daughter. I have one of each. Perfect, right? I have my Mr Man and my Princess. (I will talk about what they probably will end up being later.) I also have one on the way and it appears to be another girl. This one is truly my angel.
I have two female dogs which are wonderful. They are my girls. I have my Beagle that I have always wanted and I also have my smart dog, the Australian Shepard. Ok...the Beagle is smart when it comes to hunting, but she most likely will follow her nose if I just let her do as she pleases.
I also have my two female cats. The first one is really my husband's, but since he has been gone she wont leave me alone. My other cat is my Siamese. She talks to me all the time. I love that she talks. The first cat, the Korat, also talks, but nothing like my second one.
I finally got rid of my ex that kept telling me that he loved me and wanted me to be married to him instead. There is a long story that is connected to this one, but at least he is gone. At least I think he is. It will help once I change my number and move. LOL. Funny, but sickeningly true.
We go to church and I feel very close to God. I have a spiritual family.
I do have that perfect family. Minus the fact that my husband is four hours away, but that will change soon.
I should be happy.
I should be more than happy.
I am scared to let myself fall in love.
I am scared to be that committed wife.
I have been in love three times in my life. Two of those people are dead...they died while I was still in love with them. The third I am still in love with, but I know that I can never be with him. It hurts and hurts a lot.
I know what I need to do to be happy. There is something inside of me that keeps pulling me back. Why is it pulling me back? Maybe I shouldn't be in love with my husband. Maybe I just have been burned too many times and I still hurt so I won't let myself fall. I wish bungee cords work when it came to love.
There is one thing, one way to touch me (not sexual), that will make me melt. My husband knows what it is. I won't let him touch me that way. One of these days I know he will sneak it in...I know at first I will fight it and then I will accept it. Then I will melt in his arms and start to cry. I don't know if I will be able to stop crying. That's scary too.
So what is really stopping me?
What am I so scared of that it is putting my happiness on hold?
I have always wanted the house with a fence, a husband that is madly in love with me, the kids, the dogs, the cats...I wanted that perfect family...that perfect TV land life.
I have my home with the fence...no, it isn't white...it is a six foot wooden fence that no one can see into. It is very nice when I want to be outside and hide from everyone. I hide a lot in a lot of different ways.
I have a husband that is madly in love with me and loves me dearly. He would and has done just about anything for me. He is my best friend. He has loved me for years. I just had my wonderful blinders on. He is an excellent father. I couldn't have prayed for someone better.
I have two wonderful children. I have my six year old son and my five year old daughter. I have one of each. Perfect, right? I have my Mr Man and my Princess. (I will talk about what they probably will end up being later.) I also have one on the way and it appears to be another girl. This one is truly my angel.
I have two female dogs which are wonderful. They are my girls. I have my Beagle that I have always wanted and I also have my smart dog, the Australian Shepard. Ok...the Beagle is smart when it comes to hunting, but she most likely will follow her nose if I just let her do as she pleases.
I also have my two female cats. The first one is really my husband's, but since he has been gone she wont leave me alone. My other cat is my Siamese. She talks to me all the time. I love that she talks. The first cat, the Korat, also talks, but nothing like my second one.
I finally got rid of my ex that kept telling me that he loved me and wanted me to be married to him instead. There is a long story that is connected to this one, but at least he is gone. At least I think he is. It will help once I change my number and move. LOL. Funny, but sickeningly true.
We go to church and I feel very close to God. I have a spiritual family.
I do have that perfect family. Minus the fact that my husband is four hours away, but that will change soon.
I should be happy.
I should be more than happy.
I am scared to let myself fall in love.
I am scared to be that committed wife.
I have been in love three times in my life. Two of those people are dead...they died while I was still in love with them. The third I am still in love with, but I know that I can never be with him. It hurts and hurts a lot.
I know what I need to do to be happy. There is something inside of me that keeps pulling me back. Why is it pulling me back? Maybe I shouldn't be in love with my husband. Maybe I just have been burned too many times and I still hurt so I won't let myself fall. I wish bungee cords work when it came to love.
There is one thing, one way to touch me (not sexual), that will make me melt. My husband knows what it is. I won't let him touch me that way. One of these days I know he will sneak it in...I know at first I will fight it and then I will accept it. Then I will melt in his arms and start to cry. I don't know if I will be able to stop crying. That's scary too.
So what is really stopping me?
What am I so scared of that it is putting my happiness on hold?