Firefly - The Quest For Happily Ever After (5/5)
Title: The Quest for Happily Ever After
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Characters/Pairings: Crew, Jayne/River, Ma, Mattie, Jayne's ol'friends, Preacher
Warnings: Spoilers for series and movie.
Rating: R
Series Summary: Simon has a terrible nightmare and upon waking up finds that River has decided to take his nightmare and make it a reality. Too bad Jayne doesn't agree with her plan for future happiness, but hey, it's not like his opinion matters anyway.
Chapter Summary: We finally meet the elusive Ma (played by Elizabeth Taylor), learn wedding don'ts, share Simon's joy as he finally finds out what going mad feels like, and discover more startling truths about Jayne that will irk Mal to the end of his days. More importantly, we finally find out whose fault it is.
Chapter Five: In Which River Gets Her Man
“Huh.” Mal tilted his head back as far as it would go in order to properly assess the size of the front gate. “Huh.”
“So this is where your mother lives,” Simon said, loosening his tie. “Does she keep house?”
Jayne glared at him. “What kind of stupid question’s that? Course she kept the house - who else would git it? Hubby number eight?”
Inara clutched at Mal’s arm for support. She stared at Jayne as if he were some ten-headed snake that had suddenly burst up from the mouth of Hell. So not so different from how she usually looked at him, except usually she just looked at him as if he were a one-headed snake.
“What’s yer problem?” Jayne demanded, pausing in his attempt to remove River’s arms from around his waist.
Inara shook her head, eyes wide.
“Whatever.” He licked his split lip, turning to River before he could notice the Companion clutching at her throat and gasping for air as she shook her head in denial. “And you! Get off!”
River clung to him tighter. “Never, lover.” She giggled. “Rhymed.”
“I will end you, girl.”
“And risk disappointing your mother, who only suffered through twenty hours of labour after one passionate night with a space pirate, got rid of three husbands because they didn’t care for her darling boy, and who set aside the family ring for the day when her bouncing baby boy brought home a bride she’d like?” River waved her engagement ring under his nose.
“No fair bringin’ my Ma into this.” Jayne grumbled.
“Poor baby. Let the girl make it all better,” River hugged him so tight the entire crew could all hear Jayne’s ribs as they creaked in protest. Jayne’s glare deepened.
Zoë grinned beside Mal. “So this is what the poor district of Londinium looks like, does it sir?”
Mal jumped. “Gah!” He grabbed Kaylee’s arm and pulled her up from behind him so that she was right beside him. Thus leaving a safe distance between him and Zoë, just in case Zoë suddenly started channelling Jasmine Espinosa and threw herself at him.
“Hey!” Kaylee yanked at her arm.
“Heh. Don’t want you to get lost, Kaylee.” Mal tightened his grip. “This is a big place.”
“Thanks. I think.” She peeked around Mal to look at Jayne. “Yer ma really lives here, Jayne? It’s so shiny.”
“With that much gold in the gorram gate, it had better be.” Jayne stomped up to the communications unit, unheeding of the fact that River was being dragged behind him as she refused to let go of his waist. He stopped just before pressing the button and turned back to the crew. “Don’t mention my age. Ma’s a bit sensitive what with bein' the mother of a thirty-three-year-old an' all.” Final warning in place, he slammed down the button with his thumb.
Simon gaped. "He's only thirteen years older than River? I thought it was eighteen." He turned to Kaylee. "You don't think he lied to me when I was making up the crew's medical files, do you?"
Kaylee twiddled her thumbs. "It's not that unusual to lie about your age in our line of work. Like that time on Canton when they asked for our IDs before serving us." She carefully avoided her boyfriend's eye.
Simon looked confused which wasn't unusual for him. "I don't understand."
Mal frowned and leaned into Zoë. "Didn't he tell us he was in his mid-forties when we hired him on?"
"So he did, sir," said Zoë, looking entirely too amused for Mal's comfort at the exploits of her new favourite. "Before deciding he was thirty-eight."
Before this new thrilling information regarding both Jayne's age could be further analyzed by the crew, the intercom crackled to life.
“State your name and the purpose of your solicitation.” A bored, female voice demanded. “Fair warning - you bore me with any tale of sick children, Companions battling sexual diseases, or Alliance officers needing more money now that Miranda just spat in your face - I’ll shoot you. That goes double if you’re one of my lazy brats looking for your mother’s charity.”
“Nice lady,” Zoë commented.
Jayne smiled, his face losing its hard edge. River took advantage of Jayne’s weakened defences to link his fingers with hers. “It’s Jayne, Ma.”
There was a sharp intake of breath. “Jayne? My darling little Jayne? Open the gate, you fools,” she snarled. “My baby’s come home!”
As gold gates slid open on well-oiled hinges, Inara dug her nails into Mal’s arm.
“Ow! ‘Nara, I shoot with that arm!”
Inara was trembling. “It’s not possible. There’s no possible way he’s her son.”
Simon turned back from following Jayne and River down the picturesque lane to the huge palace at the end of the drive situated in a small forest area. “He’s who's son?”
“Meredith Janette,” Inara’s voice was hushed with awe and a little bit of fear. “One of the greatest Companions in our history. The Black Widow.”
“The who?” Mal quirked an eyebrow at her as he struggled to link this Meredith character with Jayne.
“She’s been married to nine men, all of whom have died under mysterious circumstances and left their entire fortunes to her.”
Huh. Not so hard after all.
“Ma always was a character,” Jayne called back from the front of the line. “Ain’t no one who could pull a fast one over her. And hubby number eight tried. Poor hun dun.”
As one, the crew looked again at the tress framing Jayne’s mother’s house. For a nice grove, the trees looked very shadowy and sinister, their branches twisted into strange shapes, and their barks stark white.
“If you tilt your head a little, it looks exactly like a mass murder’s dream palace.” Commented Simon. “Ow! Mei mei!” He rubbed his nose. “Is that blood?”
River glared as she lowered her foot. “Be glad the girl’s beloved is in such a state of bliss at the thought of being reunited with his mother that he didn’t hear your vicious thoughts.” She snarled.
Jayne looked over his shoulder. “What was that?”
Luckily for Simon, someone up in Shepard Book’s fluffy heaven liked him. Or at the very least found his continued exploits extremely amusing. For Simon’s face was saved from being mashed into a bloody pulp by the emergence of a gorgeous young woman from the house. Dressed in silk robes, her dark hair slightly curled to frame her youthful face, the woman was a vision. All that was missing was the harp music and her own personal spotlight.
Mal whistled while Simon’s jaw dropped. This was immediately followed by a series of pained gasps as Kaylee stomped on Simon’s foot and Inara elbowed Mal in the gut.
“Jayne!” The woman ran up to Jayne, throwing her arms around him. “You’re finally home.”
“Looks like.”
The dark haired woman stroked Jayne’s cheek with her fingertips, tears in her lovely violet eyes. “It’s been too long,” she breathed.
“I know.” Jayne’s voice was gruff.
“This your sister, Jayne?” Mal strode up toward the two. “She’s a real beauty. Lucky she doesn’t take after you.”
The dark haired woman threw back her head and laughed. “Oh, you flatter me, Captain.” Her violet eyes twinkled. “Jayne darling, you never told me your Captain was such a handsome man.”
“Really? Have ya seen the size of his nose?” Jayne tilted his head, studying Mal. “Also, he has a bad habit of wearin’ dresses.”
“Hey!” Mal yelled. “Stop writin’ me off in front of your sister.”
“Plus, he’s always threatin’ honest Mercs such as ourselves with the airlock.”
The woman’s smile grew. “Oh, surely he can’t be all that bad.”
Jayne’s grinned. “Inara over there might have a few things to say about that.”
“Really? Do tell Jayne darling.”
“Say one word Jayne and it’s the airlock for you.” Mal trailed off.
The dark haired woman frowned. “But... we’re not on a ship.”
Jayne shrugged. “We’re still workin’ on the threats.” He wrapped his arm around the woman, turning to address the crew. “By the by, meet Ma.”
For a moment, there was no sound as several pairs of eyes darted back and forth between “Ma” and Jayne.
“Jayne...” Zoë’s voice was quiet. “This is your mother?”
“Yup.”
“She looks young enough to be your daughter,” so said Simon, king of Tact.
Jayne’s mother frowned. “Once again, dearest, you were right. I don’t think I like this doctor character very much.”
Jayne raised his eyes to the heavens at the same time River did. “Give ‘im time, ma. He’s like a growth. ‘Ventually you git used to ‘im.” He growled. “I did.”
Mal slapped Simon upside the head. “Of course, she’s his mother. Can’t ya see the resemblance?” He smiled at Meredith Janette Cobb. “Might I say ma’am that it’s been a real pleasure to have your son aboard my ship?”
“Oh my,” Ma fluttered her lashes. “You may walk with me, Captain.”
“Ma...”
“Just one more husband Jayne and I’ll be in the double-digits! Don’t you want your mother to be in double-digits?”
“Not with him.”
“We could have a double-wedding.”
“No we couldn’t. If anyone’s getting married today, it’s me and the crazy girl and - Gorramnit!”
River leaped onto his back. “The girl finds the boy’s forceful nature to be incredibly appealing. The girl had no idea he was so eager to wed.”
“I’m not!”
And just like that, the beautiful creature who gave birth to Jayne Cobb instantly forgot Mal.
“Oh! You must be River.” She walked up to her son, holding a hand out to the girl.
“Salutations,” River clasped Ma’s hand and shook it vigorously; at the same time, putting Jayne’s head in a head lock as she attempted to retain her place on his back. “The girl looks forward to the opportunity of claiming you for her own.”
Ma smiled. “You’re exactly how I imagined.”
“And Jayne’s mother is exactly how the girl read in her beloved’s mind.”
“Oh?”
“Warm, kind and beautiful. Something precious to be protected.”
Jayne’s mother looked touched. “Oh Jayne.” She touched her heart. “You’re going to make me cry. Such a sweet affectionate boy.”
Jayne groaned and shuffled his feet. “Ma...”
“You are too adorable. It seems like only yesterday that you were five years old and vowing that you’d never marry anyone unless she was just like mommy.” Meredith Janette sighed and shook her head. “But no time! We have to get my baby ready for his wedding! I’ve already dealt with all the arrangements including the bridal gown so you don’t have to worry about that, my dear. And before you ask Jayne, all your old friends are here. I wasn’t aware you had that many, sweetie.”
Jayne grinned. “You know me, Ma. I’m excellent at makin’ ol’friends.”
~*~
“I look stupid.” Jayne grumbled as he adjusted his cuff links at the makeshift altar that had been set up in his mother’s main ballroom. “Nobody’s gonna want to kill me like this.” His lip faintly trembled, as he reached up to ruffle the hair that had been neatly brushed and styled. “I look like a gorram lawyer!”
“If a lawyer went around punching people through the chest.” Commented Zoë, dressed to the nines in a slinky dress that would have made Wash proud. It was almost as amazing as the tux Rex was in, lovingly made out of one of Wash’s old shirts.
“Really?” Jayne tried to hide his excitement at the thought of being an evil lawyer who went around being a bad ass and taking names all the while ripping hearts from bodies. “You’re not just sayin’ that?”
Kaylee gasped, looking up from flouncing the huge pink monstrosity that was her ball gown. “No, ya don’t!” She slapped Jayne’s hand away from the vicinity of his hair. “You look distinguished!” She said in a tone of voice that suggested he was supposed to take this as a compliment.
Jayne slumped forward. “I look like the Doc, don’t I?” Jayne spat. “Why’d ya have to make me shave?”
“Because!” Kaylee’s smile almost outshone the light drifting down from the crystal chandelier overhead.
Jayne stared her down.
Kaylee’s smile faltered. “Because your Ma wanted nice pictures of you without you looking like a thug?”
“What fer?” Jayne demanded as he pulled back his suit jacket to adjusted the gun holster around his waist. “It ain’t like thugs don’t git hitched.” He pulled out his bowie knife and ran his thumb over Binky’s edge, nodding to himself in satisfaction before sliding it back into its sheath.
Kaylee stared. “Jayne! You can’t wear weapons at a wedding!”
“Says who?”
Kaylee frowned. “It’s not like anyone’s gonna fight you Jayne.”
Jayne grinned. “You forgit Kaylee-girl. All my old friends are comin’. And Ma’s other brats.” He jerked his thumb over to the third row on the Groom’s side. As one, all the younger men flinched. “Don’t think Mattie’ll try it though,” Jayne waved to the tall, blonde haired girl seated in the front row. She waved back. “She likes me for some reason or other.”
“I thought you wanted ‘em to kill you,” said Mal.
Jayne flipped Binky between his fingers. “Just cause I want them to, doesn’t mean I’ll make it easy for ‘em.”
“You sure River’s the insane one?”
The mercenary snapped his fingers. “Before I forget - try not to comfort Ma too much. Even if I’m stone-cold dead in the family tomb collectin’ maggots, I still don’t want you for my next pa.”
“I can honestly say I’ve never wanted you for a son,” snapped Mal.
Kaylee gasped. “Cap’n!”
“Well, I don’t!”
“How could you say that an’ on his wedding day too!”
Behind his champion’s back, Jayne smirked as the Captain was subjected to one of Kaylee’s disappointed looks. He managed to restrain himself from sticking out his tongue. But only just.
Inara slipped up to the altar. "River's ready." She clapped her hands. "It's time to get into position." So saying, she grabbed Kaylee and Zoë by the arms and pulled them over to the Bride's pitifully empty section.
Jayne groaned as the wedding march started to play. Mal firmly grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him up before the Preacher. When the Mercenary crossed his arms and refused to turn around to view his bride coming up the aisle, Mal forcibly swung him around, his own mouth falling open when he saw the girl.
"So that's what she looks like when she's tryin' to be normal."
River was indeed a picture on Simon's arm. Her long, brown hair nice and sleek, was captured up into a bun on top of her head with two red chopsticks. She wore a flowing white dress that hugged her figure a little too well, in Mal's opinion. Of course, he didn't get a chance to think this thought too long as he was elbowed in the face.
"Oops. Sorry." Jayne apologized before returning to his former task, which involved going cross-eyed and bobbing his Adam's apple up and down at an alarming pace. As River glided up the steps to take his arm, he let out a little gasp of breath. As his eyes refocused, he commented: “Swallowin’ yer tongue’s harder than it looks.”
River nodded sagely. “The girl will have to show you the proper technique during the Honeymoon.” She looked at him with an expression that was clearly trying for seductive but ended up proving that Reavers really were humans after all.
Jayne whimpered in fear.
River shoved him toward the priest. “But first, the lovers must tie the knot!”
The Preacher swallowed. "Ah... we are gathered here today to witness the joining of -"
"Get on with it," River snapped, bouncing on the heels of her feet. "The girl wishes to get to the part where Sugar Bear takes off her garter. With his teeth." She squealed and hugged Jayne's arm as he made the first of many attempts to run. When the Preacher did not immediately follow her instructions, she leaned in. "Do it or I will kill you with my brain."
The poor old man jumped and dropped his Bible. He hastily picked it up. "Um... Repeat after me, please."
“Wait!” River held up her hand. “The happy couple wish to exchange their own vows written from the depths of the chemical reaction that is their undying love.”
“Say what now?” Jayne stared at her in horror.
River pulled out a deck of cue cards from the front of her dress and handed them to him. “The girl realizes that the boy is incredibly shy so she took the opportunity to write his vows for him.” She shot him a superior smile. “The girl on the other hand has already memorized her speech.”
Jayne flipped through the cards, skimming them. “What the - you do not shoot better then me! Captured my heart? You tried to end me, woman! An’ ya look nothing like Cleopatra!”
River frowned. “If the boy would read further on, he would notice that it is a metaphor designed to state that the girl is the most beautiful female of his species that he has ever encountered.”
Jayne looked confused. “Yer what now? But most of the time, ya look like a drowned rat!”
“Oh my god,” breathed Inara from the front row. “She’s going to kill him.”
Kaylee sniffled and covered her eyes.
“You know,” said Simon, his brow furrowed in thought. “It’s kind of nice to know that I’m not the only one who does that.”
River’s reaction was not one that most would have expected. She giggled and jumped into Jayne’s arms. “Oh beloved, you forget, the girl is a reader.”
Jayne scowled. “Git back on yer own damn side, moonbrain.”
River snuggled further into his arms. “The girl is quite comfortable here.” She cleared her throat. “Reason 1.1 why the boy is the most compatible mate for the girl: He can play the guitar, which therefore makes him talented with his fingers. Reason 1.2: he is very good at sex if the interviewed whores are to believed.”
“I will kill someone,” Jayne promised, his eyes falling on Simon.
An hour after River had finished her rather horrific speech detailing why she’d chosen Jayne for her mate and after Jayne had ripped up the cue cards all the while calling River names, telling her why he would never ever want to marry her of his own free will (“If you could only hear what he’s thinking, you’d understand why the girl just has to marry him,” River dreamily sighed, stars in her eyes as she watched Jayne’s face turn red as he ranted for a good, solid five minutes about her inability to brush her own hair. “He thinks the sweetest things.”), and trying to escape her grasp; they were finally nearing the end of the ceremony when Malcolm Reynolds learned a little fact about Jayne that would serve as significant blackmail to ensure that the mercenary would never ever reveal his captain as the author of the popular Jasmine Espinosa series (and the fact that the title character was strongly based on Zoë).
The Preacher wiped his sweaty brow. “Do you, River Ann Tam, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
“I acquiesce.”
“Do you, Jayne Meredith Cobb, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“Hold up.” Mal’s head snapped up from where it had been resting on his chest after he’d fallen asleep during Jayne’s rant of how inappropriate River was for a cuddling buddy as she was more likely to eat his face off then snuggle. He pointed at Jayne. “Your middle name is Meredith?”
There was a hushed intake of breath as the various dangerous looking people on the Groom’s side stared at the best man, who clearly had a death wish.
“Stop interrupting, Mal!” Inara hissed from the front row of the Bride’s side.
“But Meredith!”
Inara eyed Jayne’s mother, who had closed her fan. It now resembled a very large throwing knife. “Mal...”
“Bad enough that she gave him one girl’s name, but she gave him two!”
River threw her bouquet in his face. “Desist speaking! The Captain is ruining the romance!”
Jayne leaned into the Preacher. “Do I really have to?”
The Preacher sighed. “Mr. Cobb, we talked about this. Your mother finally gave her blessing.”
Jayne sighed, crossed his arms, eyed the chopsticks in River’s hair before apparently deciding that they weren’t sharp enough to plunge into his chest, and re-crossed his arms.
The Preacher coughed.
“Fine, I’ll marry ‘er.”
River squealed.
The Preacher nodded in satisfaction. He opened his mouth to carry on.
“But that don’t mean I have to like it.”
“Whatever,” the Preacher snapped. “By the holy spirit, you’re now man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Jayne looked at River.
River looked at Jayne.
Jayne’s hand edged toward Boo.
River yanked her ornamental chopstick out of her hair and pressed it into his jaw. Looking exceptionally demonic, she wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Must seal the deal.”
“Let’s not and say we did.”
River lunged forward, her weight throwing Jayne back onto the ground where she proceeded to plant kiss after kiss on his lips.
The Preacher winced. “May I present Mr. And Mrs. Jayne Cobb. May he survive the honeymoon - I mean, have a long and happy life together.” He paused as Boo’s went off, blowing up one of the light bulbs in the main chandelier. “Perhaps it would be a good idea if we were to pray for Jayne Cobb’s immortal soul at this point.”
As one, the congregation bowed their heads.
~*~
After the torture that was River’s affections, the happy(?) couple were seated at the main table, where all the guests could come and congratulate them.
By the time Mal got to the front of the line to congratulate the bride and groom, Jayne looked like someone had just shot him in both legs and then ran off with Vera.
“All my ol’friends suck.” Jayne complained. “Not one attempt on my life, not one.”
Mal mentally face-palmed. “Only you would be upset about that Jayne. Only you.”
“Damn right I’m unhappy. It’s like those hun duns want me to be happy or something.” Jayne frowned. “Or mebbe they realized the truth.”
“The truth.”
“That she’s far worse than anything they could do to me.” Jayne huffed. “They coulda at least tried!”
Mal bit his lip.
Jayne narrowed his eyes. “You laughin’?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
Mal nodded.
“Cause I’d hate to think what would happen if I realized you were laughin’ at this.” Jayne quickly jerked his thumb back between himself and River.
“Oh look! It’s your mother! Ow!” Mal winced as Inara pinched his ear.
“Come along, Mal dear,” Inara smiled at him through gritted teeth. “We wouldn’t want to hold up the line.” She dragged him off to one of the lower tables where the crew was to be seated with Jayne's Ma and sister. Mal looked back to see the Black Widow handing her son and new daughter a box of crayons.
“Hooray.” Jayne pulled out Rose Red from the jumbo pack. “This day gets better and better.”
River held out her hand. "The girl wants blue."
Jayne snarled and handed her a purple one.
River beamed, and started drawing on the table cloth.
After a moment, Jayne followed her example.
The Black Widow kissed the tops of both their heads, before gliding down to join the crew of Serenity and her daughter.
"What's with the crayons?" Kaylee asked.
Mattie answered, looking up from playing Capture the Finger with Rex. "It's one of our traditions. During a Cobb wedding," she pointed to her mother and to Jayne. "Jayne has to draw a picture on the table cloth to remember the event. He's gotten really good. He even let me help with six of them."
"I have all nine of them hung up in the gallery." Said Meredith Janette. "Remind me and I'll show them to you later. Of course the first one isn't that impressive since Jayne was only six months at the time of my first marriage and he kept trying to eat the crayons."
"That's so adorable," Kaylee gushed.
"I take it you did that distract him?" Zoë asked as she stopped Rex from throwing one of his dinosaurs at the server.
The Black Widow nodded and probably would have said more if Mal hadn't barked out his First Mate's name. Mal wordlessly pointed to a table across the way where a group of men around Jayne's age were seated. All of them were dressed in the uniform of the Alliance air force. Mal growled.
“Hmm?” Ma looked over her shoulder to stare at the group. “Oh, those are just some of Jayne’s old army buddies.”
“Alliance?” Mal snarled, shoving his chair back. “Jayne’s Alliance?”
Zoë quirked a brow. “Sit down sir. It isn’t like that.”
Mal stared at his second-in-command. “What.”
Zoë nodded toward his chair. “Sit down, sir. It ain’t what you think.”
Mal slowly seated himself, mentally promising himself that he would update the rules as soon as he was back on Serenity. Just what was it with his crew and not letting him in on secrets. It wasn't like he couldn't keep them or immediately fly off the handle just because a member of his crew might be Alliance. Mal glared at Jayne. Jayne didn't look up from his crayons.
“He was for one week back when he was seventeen,” Ma raised an eyebrow daring anyone to comment. “Until I got him out of it. My poor baby just wanted to fly -“
“Kick ass and take names,” Mattie supplied.
“And study aliens like they did on that one antique television series he was always watching on the Cortex. The poor thing was so disillusioned when he joined up and found out that they wanted him to fight that stupid war when his political views tended toward the Independent side when he gave a thought toward them.”
“Don’t you remember, Mama, how he got dishonourably discharged after punching that creepy General in the mouth for saying he was a pussy because he’s a mama’s boy?”
Meredith Janette smiled fondly. “Such a dear, sweet boy when he’s defending his mother. Unlike my other sons,” her tone sharpened as she glared over her shoulder at her other sons. They looked down at their plates. The Black Widow sniffed and turned her head on them. “And they wonder why mommy’s darling boy is the heir of all this,” She made a quick circular motion with her steak knife before stabbing it into her meat. “I really should have run away with that damn Space Pirate when I had the chance.”
Mattie giggled. “But Mama! Then you wouldn’t have met hubby number two and had me.”
The Black Widow sighed. “Oh, hubby number two. He was no Space Pirate, but oh, he was my favourite out of all my husbands. Pity he had to die of natural causes when he did. I wouldn’t have minded so much growing old with him. He at least could tell funny jokes.”
By this time, the minds of the crew had finally managed to process a tiny little fact that had been let slip mere moments before.
“Wait, wait. Hold up!” Mal pointed in the direction of the bride and groom’s table. “Jayne? Jayne Cobb is loaded? And he’s spent the last five years on my crew bitchin’ about pay?” Mal tugged at his hair.
Inara slapped his hand. “Stop that. You’ll go bald.”
“But Jayne!”
“No hair, no sex.”
“No. This is what going mad feels like.”
“That like your catch-phrase or something?” Mattie stared at Simon as if he were a bug.
“Or something,” Kaylee patted her boyfriend on the shoulder.
“Focus people!” Mal slammed his fist against the table. “Jayne Cobb is filthy rich. Is that what you’re tellin’ me?”
Meredith Janette sipped at her wine. “Do you really need me to repeat myself?”
“Yes.”
Jayne’s beloved Ma sighed and set down her glass. “Jayne is my heir. Thus, all of this belongs to him.”
“But what about your other sons, what about Mattie?” Mal demanded.
The girl in question grinned. “I get a huge dowry and the summer house on Ariel."
“Huh.” Mal turned back to Jayne’s gorgeous mother. “What about your other sons? Don’t they get anything?”
Meredith Janette gave him a look that was all Jayne as she sneered. “Them? Why would I give those ungrateful little brats anything? Always causing their mother pain and refusing to accomplish anything for themselves. Always depending on my position and money. Jayne, on the other hand, sends me money every month to make sure that I’m well cared for. Not that he needs to,” her violet eyes shimmered. “Such a sweet, affectionate boy, always worrying about my well-being.” She dabbed at her eyes with a lace handkerchief. “I’m just so happy he found a bride at last.”
Mal opened his mouth to make another comment when a bullet flew by, nicking his ear. He looked across the room to see Jayne with Boo in his hand, the barrel smoking. The Mercenary screamed that the Captain had better stop making his mother cry if he knew what was good for him.
“Such a sweet boy,” His mother breathed, waving at him.
Inara moaned all low and deep. His bleeding ear instantly forgotten, Mal almost put out his neck, he swung around so fast. “This is absolutely delicious,” Inara complimented as she cut her cooked chicken into tiny bites. "God, I wish I could cook like this."
There was a hushed pause as eyes snapped between the Captain and the Companion.
Inara laughed. "I really can't cook," she told Meredith Janette. "And yet, I am the cook." She laughed hysterically, tears dripping down her cheeks. "I keep waiting for someone to tell me but they're all so nice that they never do." She shoved another piece of chicken in her mouth.
Seeing that Inara herself was gorging on the food, the rest of the crew quickly dropped the pretence of eating slowly because they ate this type of food all the time, yes they did.
“This feels so good to get off my chest,” Inara licked her fingers free of chocolate. “I mean, what could you possibly have been thinking, Mal, when you kept me on as cook?”
“This is my fault?” Oh good, he and Inara hadn’t really fought recently. It was probably upsetting the balance of the universe or something. “You’re the one who needed a valid reason to stay!”
“And you couldn’t have just told me you loved me? Honestly! I’m just so relieved that nobody’s died yet,” The former Companion continued. She smacked Mal in the chest. “Two years, Mal! Two years and I haven’t improved at all! I know that you only asked me to because River said we needed a cook and I didn't have anything to do."
"I did not! Oh wait." Now that he thought about it, River had said something of the sort two years ago. He frowned. Almost to the very day. "Inara -"
His girlfriend pointed to the bride and groom's table. “And isn’t that the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?”
At first glance, it would appear that River was attempting to stab Jayne with her fork. Which if one tilted their head a certain way could be considered quite cute. Or if one tilted their head the other way, they would notice that she was really just trying to feed him some wedding cake, which was slightly more cuter and probably what all the woman folk were seeing as they all sighed at the same time.
“I’m surprised none of you contested the marriage,” Meredith Janette played with the glass of wine in her hand, her eyes focused on the Captain’s. “What with the age difference, their supposed cultural backgrounds, and the fact that I know that you’ve had disagreements with Jayne in the past.”
Mal swallowed. “Well, we didn’t really have much of a say in it. River’s crazy and Jayne was running as fast as possible in the other direction.” He tried to smile. “It’s Jayne’s own fault he got caught. We just get to tease him mercilessly for the rest of his miserable life.”
“Really?” Jayne’s beloved mother leaned forward. “He fought the marriage?” Her eyes frowning.
“Yes,” Simon nodded enthusiastically, ignoring Kaylee’s hushed whispers to shut up. “Obviously, some part of his underdeveloped brain understood that he’d never be good enough for my sister.”
Meredith Janette’s eyes narrowed.
“Mama,” Mattie grabbed her mother's wrist just before it could latch onto Simon's neck. “Not on Jayne’s wedding day.”
Kaylee slapped her hand over her boyfriend’s mouth. “You’ll have to excuse Simon - he’s had a bit too much to drink. We all think it’s shiny that River decided to marry him. They make such a cute couple and as soon as Jayne stops mopin’, he’ll realize that River is just the girl for him an’ then they’ll be as happy as Simon an’ me. He just needs a longer time than a month to adjust.”
Mother and daughter exchanged puzzled looks.
"A month?" Mattie asked.
Kaylee nodded. "Yup. That's when Simon had this weird dream about Jayne an' River bein' married an' River - she's a reader - decided that it was a great idea. You should have seen Jayne's face when she told him."
"Oh my," Meredith Janette stared at the newlyweds.
"Mama?"
"Perhaps you shouldn't have told her that part," Simon whispered. Kaylee nodded, her lip trembling.
A slow smile curled over the Black Widow's lips. A smile that spoke of pride that Jayne Cobb was her son. "Oh my," she repeated. "Oh, he's good." She turned to the stunned crew. "He gets that from my side of the family."
Mal paused in eating his steak. "Why's he good?"
“You really have no idea, do you?” Meredith Janette smirked at him, looking exactly like Jayne at his most devious. “This is just too rich,” she moaned low and long, which made Mal’s pants feel a tad too tight. She clasped her hands together, emphasizing her breasts. “You see, dear Captain, two years ago, just about six months after you exposed the dreadful business that is Miranda, my darling little boy waved me-”
“I don’t think I’m going to like this story,” muttered Simon, draining back his wine glass.
Kaylee shushed him.
“Told me he’d finally met a girl I’d approve of.” Meredith Janette’s smile was full of teeth. “Of course, I didn’t believe him until he sent me the footage from Maidenhead. Then it was all too easy to for my son and his sweetheart to win my approval.”
“Her kickin’ his ass won your approval?!”
“You’re not a mother, sir,” Zoë bounced Rex in her arms, her eyes also on the couple, a fond smile on her face. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Excuse me, but I’m a God-father and that is infinity more important than being a moth-“ Inara stuffed a large piece of cake in his mouth.
As if Mal had never interrupted, Jayne’s mother continued. “Of course, then I tried to judge how strong his affections were by telling him that mommy wasn’t sure if Miss River Tam was good enough for him.” The Black Widow’s smile was almost blinding at this point. “He told me to shove it!” She giggled.
Zoë smiled and Inara gave a little satisfied sigh. Kaylee clapped her hands in delight.
“The fuck?” Demanded Simon.
All the women folk shot him disappointed looks.
“Language,” Kaylee warned.
“What?” Wine sloshed over edge of Simon’s glass as he attempted to pour himself another drink. “He was rude to his mother and this somehow means it’s true love?”
Kaylee tapped her fingers on the table. “Simon?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you love your mother like Jayne loves his mother?”
“I sincerely hope that there was no Oedipus complex involved in my relations with my mother. OW!” Simon’s head bounced back as a plate hit him in the forehead. Simon glared at his mei mei, who was standing up in her chair, holding up another plate threatening.
“You deserved that,” Kaylee said viciously. “I think it’s beautiful that Jayne loves his mother so much. I only hope that our own children have no difficulty showing affection like you do.” And for good measure, she stomped on his foot. “That’s for cutting me off after all those nice things you said at Canton!” She turned to Jayne's Ma. "You were sayin'?"
Meredith Janette smiled at her. "So, since that was the first and only time he ever opposed me, I knew that this was the girl for him and I gave him my permission to start courting her."
"Two years ago?" Zoë asked. When the Black Widow nodded, Zoë got the exact same look in her eye as if everything had just snapped into place. "That explains quite a few things."
Simon stared at them. "What things?"
River's new mother-in-law stared at him. "A month ago, there was a particularly bad job, yes? River got shot?"
The Doctor swallowed. "Yes. There was a couple of moments when we weren't sure she'd make it. Luckily Jayne's the same blood type. AB negative. I didn't even realize how much blood he'd given till afterwards."
"I got a wave about two days after her recovery." Meredith Janette smiled. "You were on Persephone."
"The Abbey." Zoë continued. "They said they wanted to pay their respects to Book. They got married then?"
The older woman nodded. "Just a private ceremony, Jayne said." She smiled mischievously. "Promised me I could make a big fuss later if he ever managed to convince the Captain to bring him home. He also promised that he he didn't have to like it or behave."
Zoë chuckled. "And here we were thinking that he really didn't want anything to do with her."
"Wait," Simon rubbed the bridge of his nose as he tried to make sense of this new development. "River said she got the idea from my dream. That I'd influenced her choice. I only had the dream a month ago."
Mattie pointed to Simon. “Your sister’s a reader, isn’t she?”
“Yes, but what does that have to do with my dream? It’s not as if she has the ability to plant images or ideas in my head...” Simon trailed off as his mind snapped in half like an antique HB pencil from Earth-that-was.
“Well at least it’s not your fault anymore, bao bai!” Kaylee chirped as she wiped away the drool that was trailing down from the corner of Simon’s mouth. “And now you really do know what goin’ mad feels like, just like you always wanted!”
If it were possible for a person to kill another person with their brain Mal was well on his way to achieving this miracle (even though his brain hadn’t been hacked up like River’s) as he considered the fact that Jayne and River had been going at it for more than two years without anyone noticing anything; that Zoë had taken leave of her senses when her maternal instincts kicked in and supported Jayne and River’s union; that he would now have to deal with Kaylee’s constant hints every other minute about getting her own ring; that he’d have to deal with more of Simon’s constant whining; that he’d been eating Inara’s god-awful cooking for the past two years so that the newly wed Cobbs would be able to strike through Mal’s defences with this delicious all-you-can-eat feast due to a well-timed comment from River; and that frankly, they were much better at plans than he was.
Mal's black mood was made all the worse when he realized that there was a second photographer holding a capture that was solely focused on his face.
“River Ann Tam...” He growled.
“Cobb, now!” Kaylee giggled.
“RIVER ANN COBB!”
River waved at him, her smile wide and her eyes sparkling.
“JAYNE MEREDITH COBB!”
The picture of pure misery, Jayne looked up from where he had being doodling green aliens on the tablecloth with his crayons. River giggled beside him, bouncing up and down in her seat. Jayne cocked his head, studying Mal intently. River said something. The devil’s own smirk formed over Jayne’s features. He leaned back in his chair, his posture straightening. He tossed the crayon over his shoulder.
“That son of a -“
Jayne’s Ma coughed delicately.
“Huh.” Kaylee said. “Y’know, now he really does look like the type of lawyer who’d punch you through the chest as soon as look at ya.” She blushed. “Is it wrong that I find that hot?”
“No,” Inara shook her head. “Not at all.” She glared at Mal as if it were a serious character flaw that he didn’t look like the spawn of Satan.
Picking up a champagne glass, Jayne toasted Mal as his other arm drifted around River’s wrist, crushing her to his body and his hand reaching up to fondle her breast. River grinned like the mad Alliance-created assassin she was and grasped the collar of his shirt, ripping it open at the same time as she moved to straddle him. Jayne dropped the glass as he pulled River's face toward his own and kissed her passionately. They then proceeded to engage in a series of activities Mal could have spent his whole life without ever seeing. He grimaced as all the women folk cooed and sighed.
He most definitely did not squirm when Inara shot him another one of her looks and demanded to know why he never did anything like that for her.
“This is all yer fault,” he told the comatose Simon. At his crew’s confused looks, he growled. “He introduced ‘em!”
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Characters/Pairings: Crew, Jayne/River, Ma, Mattie, Jayne's ol'friends, Preacher
Warnings: Spoilers for series and movie.
Rating: R
Series Summary: Simon has a terrible nightmare and upon waking up finds that River has decided to take his nightmare and make it a reality. Too bad Jayne doesn't agree with her plan for future happiness, but hey, it's not like his opinion matters anyway.
Chapter Summary: We finally meet the elusive Ma (played by Elizabeth Taylor), learn wedding don'ts, share Simon's joy as he finally finds out what going mad feels like, and discover more startling truths about Jayne that will irk Mal to the end of his days. More importantly, we finally find out whose fault it is.
Chapter Five: In Which River Gets Her Man
“Huh.” Mal tilted his head back as far as it would go in order to properly assess the size of the front gate. “Huh.”
“So this is where your mother lives,” Simon said, loosening his tie. “Does she keep house?”
Jayne glared at him. “What kind of stupid question’s that? Course she kept the house - who else would git it? Hubby number eight?”
Inara clutched at Mal’s arm for support. She stared at Jayne as if he were some ten-headed snake that had suddenly burst up from the mouth of Hell. So not so different from how she usually looked at him, except usually she just looked at him as if he were a one-headed snake.
“What’s yer problem?” Jayne demanded, pausing in his attempt to remove River’s arms from around his waist.
Inara shook her head, eyes wide.
“Whatever.” He licked his split lip, turning to River before he could notice the Companion clutching at her throat and gasping for air as she shook her head in denial. “And you! Get off!”
River clung to him tighter. “Never, lover.” She giggled. “Rhymed.”
“I will end you, girl.”
“And risk disappointing your mother, who only suffered through twenty hours of labour after one passionate night with a space pirate, got rid of three husbands because they didn’t care for her darling boy, and who set aside the family ring for the day when her bouncing baby boy brought home a bride she’d like?” River waved her engagement ring under his nose.
“No fair bringin’ my Ma into this.” Jayne grumbled.
“Poor baby. Let the girl make it all better,” River hugged him so tight the entire crew could all hear Jayne’s ribs as they creaked in protest. Jayne’s glare deepened.
Zoë grinned beside Mal. “So this is what the poor district of Londinium looks like, does it sir?”
Mal jumped. “Gah!” He grabbed Kaylee’s arm and pulled her up from behind him so that she was right beside him. Thus leaving a safe distance between him and Zoë, just in case Zoë suddenly started channelling Jasmine Espinosa and threw herself at him.
“Hey!” Kaylee yanked at her arm.
“Heh. Don’t want you to get lost, Kaylee.” Mal tightened his grip. “This is a big place.”
“Thanks. I think.” She peeked around Mal to look at Jayne. “Yer ma really lives here, Jayne? It’s so shiny.”
“With that much gold in the gorram gate, it had better be.” Jayne stomped up to the communications unit, unheeding of the fact that River was being dragged behind him as she refused to let go of his waist. He stopped just before pressing the button and turned back to the crew. “Don’t mention my age. Ma’s a bit sensitive what with bein' the mother of a thirty-three-year-old an' all.” Final warning in place, he slammed down the button with his thumb.
Simon gaped. "He's only thirteen years older than River? I thought it was eighteen." He turned to Kaylee. "You don't think he lied to me when I was making up the crew's medical files, do you?"
Kaylee twiddled her thumbs. "It's not that unusual to lie about your age in our line of work. Like that time on Canton when they asked for our IDs before serving us." She carefully avoided her boyfriend's eye.
Simon looked confused which wasn't unusual for him. "I don't understand."
Mal frowned and leaned into Zoë. "Didn't he tell us he was in his mid-forties when we hired him on?"
"So he did, sir," said Zoë, looking entirely too amused for Mal's comfort at the exploits of her new favourite. "Before deciding he was thirty-eight."
Before this new thrilling information regarding both Jayne's age could be further analyzed by the crew, the intercom crackled to life.
“State your name and the purpose of your solicitation.” A bored, female voice demanded. “Fair warning - you bore me with any tale of sick children, Companions battling sexual diseases, or Alliance officers needing more money now that Miranda just spat in your face - I’ll shoot you. That goes double if you’re one of my lazy brats looking for your mother’s charity.”
“Nice lady,” Zoë commented.
Jayne smiled, his face losing its hard edge. River took advantage of Jayne’s weakened defences to link his fingers with hers. “It’s Jayne, Ma.”
There was a sharp intake of breath. “Jayne? My darling little Jayne? Open the gate, you fools,” she snarled. “My baby’s come home!”
As gold gates slid open on well-oiled hinges, Inara dug her nails into Mal’s arm.
“Ow! ‘Nara, I shoot with that arm!”
Inara was trembling. “It’s not possible. There’s no possible way he’s her son.”
Simon turned back from following Jayne and River down the picturesque lane to the huge palace at the end of the drive situated in a small forest area. “He’s who's son?”
“Meredith Janette,” Inara’s voice was hushed with awe and a little bit of fear. “One of the greatest Companions in our history. The Black Widow.”
“The who?” Mal quirked an eyebrow at her as he struggled to link this Meredith character with Jayne.
“She’s been married to nine men, all of whom have died under mysterious circumstances and left their entire fortunes to her.”
Huh. Not so hard after all.
“Ma always was a character,” Jayne called back from the front of the line. “Ain’t no one who could pull a fast one over her. And hubby number eight tried. Poor hun dun.”
As one, the crew looked again at the tress framing Jayne’s mother’s house. For a nice grove, the trees looked very shadowy and sinister, their branches twisted into strange shapes, and their barks stark white.
“If you tilt your head a little, it looks exactly like a mass murder’s dream palace.” Commented Simon. “Ow! Mei mei!” He rubbed his nose. “Is that blood?”
River glared as she lowered her foot. “Be glad the girl’s beloved is in such a state of bliss at the thought of being reunited with his mother that he didn’t hear your vicious thoughts.” She snarled.
Jayne looked over his shoulder. “What was that?”
Luckily for Simon, someone up in Shepard Book’s fluffy heaven liked him. Or at the very least found his continued exploits extremely amusing. For Simon’s face was saved from being mashed into a bloody pulp by the emergence of a gorgeous young woman from the house. Dressed in silk robes, her dark hair slightly curled to frame her youthful face, the woman was a vision. All that was missing was the harp music and her own personal spotlight.
Mal whistled while Simon’s jaw dropped. This was immediately followed by a series of pained gasps as Kaylee stomped on Simon’s foot and Inara elbowed Mal in the gut.
“Jayne!” The woman ran up to Jayne, throwing her arms around him. “You’re finally home.”
“Looks like.”
The dark haired woman stroked Jayne’s cheek with her fingertips, tears in her lovely violet eyes. “It’s been too long,” she breathed.
“I know.” Jayne’s voice was gruff.
“This your sister, Jayne?” Mal strode up toward the two. “She’s a real beauty. Lucky she doesn’t take after you.”
The dark haired woman threw back her head and laughed. “Oh, you flatter me, Captain.” Her violet eyes twinkled. “Jayne darling, you never told me your Captain was such a handsome man.”
“Really? Have ya seen the size of his nose?” Jayne tilted his head, studying Mal. “Also, he has a bad habit of wearin’ dresses.”
“Hey!” Mal yelled. “Stop writin’ me off in front of your sister.”
“Plus, he’s always threatin’ honest Mercs such as ourselves with the airlock.”
The woman’s smile grew. “Oh, surely he can’t be all that bad.”
Jayne’s grinned. “Inara over there might have a few things to say about that.”
“Really? Do tell Jayne darling.”
“Say one word Jayne and it’s the airlock for you.” Mal trailed off.
The dark haired woman frowned. “But... we’re not on a ship.”
Jayne shrugged. “We’re still workin’ on the threats.” He wrapped his arm around the woman, turning to address the crew. “By the by, meet Ma.”
For a moment, there was no sound as several pairs of eyes darted back and forth between “Ma” and Jayne.
“Jayne...” Zoë’s voice was quiet. “This is your mother?”
“Yup.”
“She looks young enough to be your daughter,” so said Simon, king of Tact.
Jayne’s mother frowned. “Once again, dearest, you were right. I don’t think I like this doctor character very much.”
Jayne raised his eyes to the heavens at the same time River did. “Give ‘im time, ma. He’s like a growth. ‘Ventually you git used to ‘im.” He growled. “I did.”
Mal slapped Simon upside the head. “Of course, she’s his mother. Can’t ya see the resemblance?” He smiled at Meredith Janette Cobb. “Might I say ma’am that it’s been a real pleasure to have your son aboard my ship?”
“Oh my,” Ma fluttered her lashes. “You may walk with me, Captain.”
“Ma...”
“Just one more husband Jayne and I’ll be in the double-digits! Don’t you want your mother to be in double-digits?”
“Not with him.”
“We could have a double-wedding.”
“No we couldn’t. If anyone’s getting married today, it’s me and the crazy girl and - Gorramnit!”
River leaped onto his back. “The girl finds the boy’s forceful nature to be incredibly appealing. The girl had no idea he was so eager to wed.”
“I’m not!”
And just like that, the beautiful creature who gave birth to Jayne Cobb instantly forgot Mal.
“Oh! You must be River.” She walked up to her son, holding a hand out to the girl.
“Salutations,” River clasped Ma’s hand and shook it vigorously; at the same time, putting Jayne’s head in a head lock as she attempted to retain her place on his back. “The girl looks forward to the opportunity of claiming you for her own.”
Ma smiled. “You’re exactly how I imagined.”
“And Jayne’s mother is exactly how the girl read in her beloved’s mind.”
“Oh?”
“Warm, kind and beautiful. Something precious to be protected.”
Jayne’s mother looked touched. “Oh Jayne.” She touched her heart. “You’re going to make me cry. Such a sweet affectionate boy.”
Jayne groaned and shuffled his feet. “Ma...”
“You are too adorable. It seems like only yesterday that you were five years old and vowing that you’d never marry anyone unless she was just like mommy.” Meredith Janette sighed and shook her head. “But no time! We have to get my baby ready for his wedding! I’ve already dealt with all the arrangements including the bridal gown so you don’t have to worry about that, my dear. And before you ask Jayne, all your old friends are here. I wasn’t aware you had that many, sweetie.”
Jayne grinned. “You know me, Ma. I’m excellent at makin’ ol’friends.”
~*~
“I look stupid.” Jayne grumbled as he adjusted his cuff links at the makeshift altar that had been set up in his mother’s main ballroom. “Nobody’s gonna want to kill me like this.” His lip faintly trembled, as he reached up to ruffle the hair that had been neatly brushed and styled. “I look like a gorram lawyer!”
“If a lawyer went around punching people through the chest.” Commented Zoë, dressed to the nines in a slinky dress that would have made Wash proud. It was almost as amazing as the tux Rex was in, lovingly made out of one of Wash’s old shirts.
“Really?” Jayne tried to hide his excitement at the thought of being an evil lawyer who went around being a bad ass and taking names all the while ripping hearts from bodies. “You’re not just sayin’ that?”
Kaylee gasped, looking up from flouncing the huge pink monstrosity that was her ball gown. “No, ya don’t!” She slapped Jayne’s hand away from the vicinity of his hair. “You look distinguished!” She said in a tone of voice that suggested he was supposed to take this as a compliment.
Jayne slumped forward. “I look like the Doc, don’t I?” Jayne spat. “Why’d ya have to make me shave?”
“Because!” Kaylee’s smile almost outshone the light drifting down from the crystal chandelier overhead.
Jayne stared her down.
Kaylee’s smile faltered. “Because your Ma wanted nice pictures of you without you looking like a thug?”
“What fer?” Jayne demanded as he pulled back his suit jacket to adjusted the gun holster around his waist. “It ain’t like thugs don’t git hitched.” He pulled out his bowie knife and ran his thumb over Binky’s edge, nodding to himself in satisfaction before sliding it back into its sheath.
Kaylee stared. “Jayne! You can’t wear weapons at a wedding!”
“Says who?”
Kaylee frowned. “It’s not like anyone’s gonna fight you Jayne.”
Jayne grinned. “You forgit Kaylee-girl. All my old friends are comin’. And Ma’s other brats.” He jerked his thumb over to the third row on the Groom’s side. As one, all the younger men flinched. “Don’t think Mattie’ll try it though,” Jayne waved to the tall, blonde haired girl seated in the front row. She waved back. “She likes me for some reason or other.”
“I thought you wanted ‘em to kill you,” said Mal.
Jayne flipped Binky between his fingers. “Just cause I want them to, doesn’t mean I’ll make it easy for ‘em.”
“You sure River’s the insane one?”
The mercenary snapped his fingers. “Before I forget - try not to comfort Ma too much. Even if I’m stone-cold dead in the family tomb collectin’ maggots, I still don’t want you for my next pa.”
“I can honestly say I’ve never wanted you for a son,” snapped Mal.
Kaylee gasped. “Cap’n!”
“Well, I don’t!”
“How could you say that an’ on his wedding day too!”
Behind his champion’s back, Jayne smirked as the Captain was subjected to one of Kaylee’s disappointed looks. He managed to restrain himself from sticking out his tongue. But only just.
Inara slipped up to the altar. "River's ready." She clapped her hands. "It's time to get into position." So saying, she grabbed Kaylee and Zoë by the arms and pulled them over to the Bride's pitifully empty section.
Jayne groaned as the wedding march started to play. Mal firmly grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him up before the Preacher. When the Mercenary crossed his arms and refused to turn around to view his bride coming up the aisle, Mal forcibly swung him around, his own mouth falling open when he saw the girl.
"So that's what she looks like when she's tryin' to be normal."
River was indeed a picture on Simon's arm. Her long, brown hair nice and sleek, was captured up into a bun on top of her head with two red chopsticks. She wore a flowing white dress that hugged her figure a little too well, in Mal's opinion. Of course, he didn't get a chance to think this thought too long as he was elbowed in the face.
"Oops. Sorry." Jayne apologized before returning to his former task, which involved going cross-eyed and bobbing his Adam's apple up and down at an alarming pace. As River glided up the steps to take his arm, he let out a little gasp of breath. As his eyes refocused, he commented: “Swallowin’ yer tongue’s harder than it looks.”
River nodded sagely. “The girl will have to show you the proper technique during the Honeymoon.” She looked at him with an expression that was clearly trying for seductive but ended up proving that Reavers really were humans after all.
Jayne whimpered in fear.
River shoved him toward the priest. “But first, the lovers must tie the knot!”
The Preacher swallowed. "Ah... we are gathered here today to witness the joining of -"
"Get on with it," River snapped, bouncing on the heels of her feet. "The girl wishes to get to the part where Sugar Bear takes off her garter. With his teeth." She squealed and hugged Jayne's arm as he made the first of many attempts to run. When the Preacher did not immediately follow her instructions, she leaned in. "Do it or I will kill you with my brain."
The poor old man jumped and dropped his Bible. He hastily picked it up. "Um... Repeat after me, please."
“Wait!” River held up her hand. “The happy couple wish to exchange their own vows written from the depths of the chemical reaction that is their undying love.”
“Say what now?” Jayne stared at her in horror.
River pulled out a deck of cue cards from the front of her dress and handed them to him. “The girl realizes that the boy is incredibly shy so she took the opportunity to write his vows for him.” She shot him a superior smile. “The girl on the other hand has already memorized her speech.”
Jayne flipped through the cards, skimming them. “What the - you do not shoot better then me! Captured my heart? You tried to end me, woman! An’ ya look nothing like Cleopatra!”
River frowned. “If the boy would read further on, he would notice that it is a metaphor designed to state that the girl is the most beautiful female of his species that he has ever encountered.”
Jayne looked confused. “Yer what now? But most of the time, ya look like a drowned rat!”
“Oh my god,” breathed Inara from the front row. “She’s going to kill him.”
Kaylee sniffled and covered her eyes.
“You know,” said Simon, his brow furrowed in thought. “It’s kind of nice to know that I’m not the only one who does that.”
River’s reaction was not one that most would have expected. She giggled and jumped into Jayne’s arms. “Oh beloved, you forget, the girl is a reader.”
Jayne scowled. “Git back on yer own damn side, moonbrain.”
River snuggled further into his arms. “The girl is quite comfortable here.” She cleared her throat. “Reason 1.1 why the boy is the most compatible mate for the girl: He can play the guitar, which therefore makes him talented with his fingers. Reason 1.2: he is very good at sex if the interviewed whores are to believed.”
“I will kill someone,” Jayne promised, his eyes falling on Simon.
An hour after River had finished her rather horrific speech detailing why she’d chosen Jayne for her mate and after Jayne had ripped up the cue cards all the while calling River names, telling her why he would never ever want to marry her of his own free will (“If you could only hear what he’s thinking, you’d understand why the girl just has to marry him,” River dreamily sighed, stars in her eyes as she watched Jayne’s face turn red as he ranted for a good, solid five minutes about her inability to brush her own hair. “He thinks the sweetest things.”), and trying to escape her grasp; they were finally nearing the end of the ceremony when Malcolm Reynolds learned a little fact about Jayne that would serve as significant blackmail to ensure that the mercenary would never ever reveal his captain as the author of the popular Jasmine Espinosa series (and the fact that the title character was strongly based on Zoë).
The Preacher wiped his sweaty brow. “Do you, River Ann Tam, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
“I acquiesce.”
“Do you, Jayne Meredith Cobb, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“Hold up.” Mal’s head snapped up from where it had been resting on his chest after he’d fallen asleep during Jayne’s rant of how inappropriate River was for a cuddling buddy as she was more likely to eat his face off then snuggle. He pointed at Jayne. “Your middle name is Meredith?”
There was a hushed intake of breath as the various dangerous looking people on the Groom’s side stared at the best man, who clearly had a death wish.
“Stop interrupting, Mal!” Inara hissed from the front row of the Bride’s side.
“But Meredith!”
Inara eyed Jayne’s mother, who had closed her fan. It now resembled a very large throwing knife. “Mal...”
“Bad enough that she gave him one girl’s name, but she gave him two!”
River threw her bouquet in his face. “Desist speaking! The Captain is ruining the romance!”
Jayne leaned into the Preacher. “Do I really have to?”
The Preacher sighed. “Mr. Cobb, we talked about this. Your mother finally gave her blessing.”
Jayne sighed, crossed his arms, eyed the chopsticks in River’s hair before apparently deciding that they weren’t sharp enough to plunge into his chest, and re-crossed his arms.
The Preacher coughed.
“Fine, I’ll marry ‘er.”
River squealed.
The Preacher nodded in satisfaction. He opened his mouth to carry on.
“But that don’t mean I have to like it.”
“Whatever,” the Preacher snapped. “By the holy spirit, you’re now man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Jayne looked at River.
River looked at Jayne.
Jayne’s hand edged toward Boo.
River yanked her ornamental chopstick out of her hair and pressed it into his jaw. Looking exceptionally demonic, she wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Must seal the deal.”
“Let’s not and say we did.”
River lunged forward, her weight throwing Jayne back onto the ground where she proceeded to plant kiss after kiss on his lips.
The Preacher winced. “May I present Mr. And Mrs. Jayne Cobb. May he survive the honeymoon - I mean, have a long and happy life together.” He paused as Boo’s went off, blowing up one of the light bulbs in the main chandelier. “Perhaps it would be a good idea if we were to pray for Jayne Cobb’s immortal soul at this point.”
As one, the congregation bowed their heads.
~*~
After the torture that was River’s affections, the happy(?) couple were seated at the main table, where all the guests could come and congratulate them.
By the time Mal got to the front of the line to congratulate the bride and groom, Jayne looked like someone had just shot him in both legs and then ran off with Vera.
“All my ol’friends suck.” Jayne complained. “Not one attempt on my life, not one.”
Mal mentally face-palmed. “Only you would be upset about that Jayne. Only you.”
“Damn right I’m unhappy. It’s like those hun duns want me to be happy or something.” Jayne frowned. “Or mebbe they realized the truth.”
“The truth.”
“That she’s far worse than anything they could do to me.” Jayne huffed. “They coulda at least tried!”
Mal bit his lip.
Jayne narrowed his eyes. “You laughin’?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
Mal nodded.
“Cause I’d hate to think what would happen if I realized you were laughin’ at this.” Jayne quickly jerked his thumb back between himself and River.
“Oh look! It’s your mother! Ow!” Mal winced as Inara pinched his ear.
“Come along, Mal dear,” Inara smiled at him through gritted teeth. “We wouldn’t want to hold up the line.” She dragged him off to one of the lower tables where the crew was to be seated with Jayne's Ma and sister. Mal looked back to see the Black Widow handing her son and new daughter a box of crayons.
“Hooray.” Jayne pulled out Rose Red from the jumbo pack. “This day gets better and better.”
River held out her hand. "The girl wants blue."
Jayne snarled and handed her a purple one.
River beamed, and started drawing on the table cloth.
After a moment, Jayne followed her example.
The Black Widow kissed the tops of both their heads, before gliding down to join the crew of Serenity and her daughter.
"What's with the crayons?" Kaylee asked.
Mattie answered, looking up from playing Capture the Finger with Rex. "It's one of our traditions. During a Cobb wedding," she pointed to her mother and to Jayne. "Jayne has to draw a picture on the table cloth to remember the event. He's gotten really good. He even let me help with six of them."
"I have all nine of them hung up in the gallery." Said Meredith Janette. "Remind me and I'll show them to you later. Of course the first one isn't that impressive since Jayne was only six months at the time of my first marriage and he kept trying to eat the crayons."
"That's so adorable," Kaylee gushed.
"I take it you did that distract him?" Zoë asked as she stopped Rex from throwing one of his dinosaurs at the server.
The Black Widow nodded and probably would have said more if Mal hadn't barked out his First Mate's name. Mal wordlessly pointed to a table across the way where a group of men around Jayne's age were seated. All of them were dressed in the uniform of the Alliance air force. Mal growled.
“Hmm?” Ma looked over her shoulder to stare at the group. “Oh, those are just some of Jayne’s old army buddies.”
“Alliance?” Mal snarled, shoving his chair back. “Jayne’s Alliance?”
Zoë quirked a brow. “Sit down sir. It isn’t like that.”
Mal stared at his second-in-command. “What.”
Zoë nodded toward his chair. “Sit down, sir. It ain’t what you think.”
Mal slowly seated himself, mentally promising himself that he would update the rules as soon as he was back on Serenity. Just what was it with his crew and not letting him in on secrets. It wasn't like he couldn't keep them or immediately fly off the handle just because a member of his crew might be Alliance. Mal glared at Jayne. Jayne didn't look up from his crayons.
“He was for one week back when he was seventeen,” Ma raised an eyebrow daring anyone to comment. “Until I got him out of it. My poor baby just wanted to fly -“
“Kick ass and take names,” Mattie supplied.
“And study aliens like they did on that one antique television series he was always watching on the Cortex. The poor thing was so disillusioned when he joined up and found out that they wanted him to fight that stupid war when his political views tended toward the Independent side when he gave a thought toward them.”
“Don’t you remember, Mama, how he got dishonourably discharged after punching that creepy General in the mouth for saying he was a pussy because he’s a mama’s boy?”
Meredith Janette smiled fondly. “Such a dear, sweet boy when he’s defending his mother. Unlike my other sons,” her tone sharpened as she glared over her shoulder at her other sons. They looked down at their plates. The Black Widow sniffed and turned her head on them. “And they wonder why mommy’s darling boy is the heir of all this,” She made a quick circular motion with her steak knife before stabbing it into her meat. “I really should have run away with that damn Space Pirate when I had the chance.”
Mattie giggled. “But Mama! Then you wouldn’t have met hubby number two and had me.”
The Black Widow sighed. “Oh, hubby number two. He was no Space Pirate, but oh, he was my favourite out of all my husbands. Pity he had to die of natural causes when he did. I wouldn’t have minded so much growing old with him. He at least could tell funny jokes.”
By this time, the minds of the crew had finally managed to process a tiny little fact that had been let slip mere moments before.
“Wait, wait. Hold up!” Mal pointed in the direction of the bride and groom’s table. “Jayne? Jayne Cobb is loaded? And he’s spent the last five years on my crew bitchin’ about pay?” Mal tugged at his hair.
Inara slapped his hand. “Stop that. You’ll go bald.”
“But Jayne!”
“No hair, no sex.”
“No. This is what going mad feels like.”
“That like your catch-phrase or something?” Mattie stared at Simon as if he were a bug.
“Or something,” Kaylee patted her boyfriend on the shoulder.
“Focus people!” Mal slammed his fist against the table. “Jayne Cobb is filthy rich. Is that what you’re tellin’ me?”
Meredith Janette sipped at her wine. “Do you really need me to repeat myself?”
“Yes.”
Jayne’s beloved Ma sighed and set down her glass. “Jayne is my heir. Thus, all of this belongs to him.”
“But what about your other sons, what about Mattie?” Mal demanded.
The girl in question grinned. “I get a huge dowry and the summer house on Ariel."
“Huh.” Mal turned back to Jayne’s gorgeous mother. “What about your other sons? Don’t they get anything?”
Meredith Janette gave him a look that was all Jayne as she sneered. “Them? Why would I give those ungrateful little brats anything? Always causing their mother pain and refusing to accomplish anything for themselves. Always depending on my position and money. Jayne, on the other hand, sends me money every month to make sure that I’m well cared for. Not that he needs to,” her violet eyes shimmered. “Such a sweet, affectionate boy, always worrying about my well-being.” She dabbed at her eyes with a lace handkerchief. “I’m just so happy he found a bride at last.”
Mal opened his mouth to make another comment when a bullet flew by, nicking his ear. He looked across the room to see Jayne with Boo in his hand, the barrel smoking. The Mercenary screamed that the Captain had better stop making his mother cry if he knew what was good for him.
“Such a sweet boy,” His mother breathed, waving at him.
Inara moaned all low and deep. His bleeding ear instantly forgotten, Mal almost put out his neck, he swung around so fast. “This is absolutely delicious,” Inara complimented as she cut her cooked chicken into tiny bites. "God, I wish I could cook like this."
There was a hushed pause as eyes snapped between the Captain and the Companion.
Inara laughed. "I really can't cook," she told Meredith Janette. "And yet, I am the cook." She laughed hysterically, tears dripping down her cheeks. "I keep waiting for someone to tell me but they're all so nice that they never do." She shoved another piece of chicken in her mouth.
Seeing that Inara herself was gorging on the food, the rest of the crew quickly dropped the pretence of eating slowly because they ate this type of food all the time, yes they did.
“This feels so good to get off my chest,” Inara licked her fingers free of chocolate. “I mean, what could you possibly have been thinking, Mal, when you kept me on as cook?”
“This is my fault?” Oh good, he and Inara hadn’t really fought recently. It was probably upsetting the balance of the universe or something. “You’re the one who needed a valid reason to stay!”
“And you couldn’t have just told me you loved me? Honestly! I’m just so relieved that nobody’s died yet,” The former Companion continued. She smacked Mal in the chest. “Two years, Mal! Two years and I haven’t improved at all! I know that you only asked me to because River said we needed a cook and I didn't have anything to do."
"I did not! Oh wait." Now that he thought about it, River had said something of the sort two years ago. He frowned. Almost to the very day. "Inara -"
His girlfriend pointed to the bride and groom's table. “And isn’t that the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?”
At first glance, it would appear that River was attempting to stab Jayne with her fork. Which if one tilted their head a certain way could be considered quite cute. Or if one tilted their head the other way, they would notice that she was really just trying to feed him some wedding cake, which was slightly more cuter and probably what all the woman folk were seeing as they all sighed at the same time.
“I’m surprised none of you contested the marriage,” Meredith Janette played with the glass of wine in her hand, her eyes focused on the Captain’s. “What with the age difference, their supposed cultural backgrounds, and the fact that I know that you’ve had disagreements with Jayne in the past.”
Mal swallowed. “Well, we didn’t really have much of a say in it. River’s crazy and Jayne was running as fast as possible in the other direction.” He tried to smile. “It’s Jayne’s own fault he got caught. We just get to tease him mercilessly for the rest of his miserable life.”
“Really?” Jayne’s beloved mother leaned forward. “He fought the marriage?” Her eyes frowning.
“Yes,” Simon nodded enthusiastically, ignoring Kaylee’s hushed whispers to shut up. “Obviously, some part of his underdeveloped brain understood that he’d never be good enough for my sister.”
Meredith Janette’s eyes narrowed.
“Mama,” Mattie grabbed her mother's wrist just before it could latch onto Simon's neck. “Not on Jayne’s wedding day.”
Kaylee slapped her hand over her boyfriend’s mouth. “You’ll have to excuse Simon - he’s had a bit too much to drink. We all think it’s shiny that River decided to marry him. They make such a cute couple and as soon as Jayne stops mopin’, he’ll realize that River is just the girl for him an’ then they’ll be as happy as Simon an’ me. He just needs a longer time than a month to adjust.”
Mother and daughter exchanged puzzled looks.
"A month?" Mattie asked.
Kaylee nodded. "Yup. That's when Simon had this weird dream about Jayne an' River bein' married an' River - she's a reader - decided that it was a great idea. You should have seen Jayne's face when she told him."
"Oh my," Meredith Janette stared at the newlyweds.
"Mama?"
"Perhaps you shouldn't have told her that part," Simon whispered. Kaylee nodded, her lip trembling.
A slow smile curled over the Black Widow's lips. A smile that spoke of pride that Jayne Cobb was her son. "Oh my," she repeated. "Oh, he's good." She turned to the stunned crew. "He gets that from my side of the family."
Mal paused in eating his steak. "Why's he good?"
“You really have no idea, do you?” Meredith Janette smirked at him, looking exactly like Jayne at his most devious. “This is just too rich,” she moaned low and long, which made Mal’s pants feel a tad too tight. She clasped her hands together, emphasizing her breasts. “You see, dear Captain, two years ago, just about six months after you exposed the dreadful business that is Miranda, my darling little boy waved me-”
“I don’t think I’m going to like this story,” muttered Simon, draining back his wine glass.
Kaylee shushed him.
“Told me he’d finally met a girl I’d approve of.” Meredith Janette’s smile was full of teeth. “Of course, I didn’t believe him until he sent me the footage from Maidenhead. Then it was all too easy to for my son and his sweetheart to win my approval.”
“Her kickin’ his ass won your approval?!”
“You’re not a mother, sir,” Zoë bounced Rex in her arms, her eyes also on the couple, a fond smile on her face. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Excuse me, but I’m a God-father and that is infinity more important than being a moth-“ Inara stuffed a large piece of cake in his mouth.
As if Mal had never interrupted, Jayne’s mother continued. “Of course, then I tried to judge how strong his affections were by telling him that mommy wasn’t sure if Miss River Tam was good enough for him.” The Black Widow’s smile was almost blinding at this point. “He told me to shove it!” She giggled.
Zoë smiled and Inara gave a little satisfied sigh. Kaylee clapped her hands in delight.
“The fuck?” Demanded Simon.
All the women folk shot him disappointed looks.
“Language,” Kaylee warned.
“What?” Wine sloshed over edge of Simon’s glass as he attempted to pour himself another drink. “He was rude to his mother and this somehow means it’s true love?”
Kaylee tapped her fingers on the table. “Simon?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you love your mother like Jayne loves his mother?”
“I sincerely hope that there was no Oedipus complex involved in my relations with my mother. OW!” Simon’s head bounced back as a plate hit him in the forehead. Simon glared at his mei mei, who was standing up in her chair, holding up another plate threatening.
“You deserved that,” Kaylee said viciously. “I think it’s beautiful that Jayne loves his mother so much. I only hope that our own children have no difficulty showing affection like you do.” And for good measure, she stomped on his foot. “That’s for cutting me off after all those nice things you said at Canton!” She turned to Jayne's Ma. "You were sayin'?"
Meredith Janette smiled at her. "So, since that was the first and only time he ever opposed me, I knew that this was the girl for him and I gave him my permission to start courting her."
"Two years ago?" Zoë asked. When the Black Widow nodded, Zoë got the exact same look in her eye as if everything had just snapped into place. "That explains quite a few things."
Simon stared at them. "What things?"
River's new mother-in-law stared at him. "A month ago, there was a particularly bad job, yes? River got shot?"
The Doctor swallowed. "Yes. There was a couple of moments when we weren't sure she'd make it. Luckily Jayne's the same blood type. AB negative. I didn't even realize how much blood he'd given till afterwards."
"I got a wave about two days after her recovery." Meredith Janette smiled. "You were on Persephone."
"The Abbey." Zoë continued. "They said they wanted to pay their respects to Book. They got married then?"
The older woman nodded. "Just a private ceremony, Jayne said." She smiled mischievously. "Promised me I could make a big fuss later if he ever managed to convince the Captain to bring him home. He also promised that he he didn't have to like it or behave."
Zoë chuckled. "And here we were thinking that he really didn't want anything to do with her."
"Wait," Simon rubbed the bridge of his nose as he tried to make sense of this new development. "River said she got the idea from my dream. That I'd influenced her choice. I only had the dream a month ago."
Mattie pointed to Simon. “Your sister’s a reader, isn’t she?”
“Yes, but what does that have to do with my dream? It’s not as if she has the ability to plant images or ideas in my head...” Simon trailed off as his mind snapped in half like an antique HB pencil from Earth-that-was.
“Well at least it’s not your fault anymore, bao bai!” Kaylee chirped as she wiped away the drool that was trailing down from the corner of Simon’s mouth. “And now you really do know what goin’ mad feels like, just like you always wanted!”
If it were possible for a person to kill another person with their brain Mal was well on his way to achieving this miracle (even though his brain hadn’t been hacked up like River’s) as he considered the fact that Jayne and River had been going at it for more than two years without anyone noticing anything; that Zoë had taken leave of her senses when her maternal instincts kicked in and supported Jayne and River’s union; that he would now have to deal with Kaylee’s constant hints every other minute about getting her own ring; that he’d have to deal with more of Simon’s constant whining; that he’d been eating Inara’s god-awful cooking for the past two years so that the newly wed Cobbs would be able to strike through Mal’s defences with this delicious all-you-can-eat feast due to a well-timed comment from River; and that frankly, they were much better at plans than he was.
Mal's black mood was made all the worse when he realized that there was a second photographer holding a capture that was solely focused on his face.
“River Ann Tam...” He growled.
“Cobb, now!” Kaylee giggled.
“RIVER ANN COBB!”
River waved at him, her smile wide and her eyes sparkling.
“JAYNE MEREDITH COBB!”
The picture of pure misery, Jayne looked up from where he had being doodling green aliens on the tablecloth with his crayons. River giggled beside him, bouncing up and down in her seat. Jayne cocked his head, studying Mal intently. River said something. The devil’s own smirk formed over Jayne’s features. He leaned back in his chair, his posture straightening. He tossed the crayon over his shoulder.
“That son of a -“
Jayne’s Ma coughed delicately.
“Huh.” Kaylee said. “Y’know, now he really does look like the type of lawyer who’d punch you through the chest as soon as look at ya.” She blushed. “Is it wrong that I find that hot?”
“No,” Inara shook her head. “Not at all.” She glared at Mal as if it were a serious character flaw that he didn’t look like the spawn of Satan.
Picking up a champagne glass, Jayne toasted Mal as his other arm drifted around River’s wrist, crushing her to his body and his hand reaching up to fondle her breast. River grinned like the mad Alliance-created assassin she was and grasped the collar of his shirt, ripping it open at the same time as she moved to straddle him. Jayne dropped the glass as he pulled River's face toward his own and kissed her passionately. They then proceeded to engage in a series of activities Mal could have spent his whole life without ever seeing. He grimaced as all the women folk cooed and sighed.
He most definitely did not squirm when Inara shot him another one of her looks and demanded to know why he never did anything like that for her.
“This is all yer fault,” he told the comatose Simon. At his crew’s confused looks, he growled. “He introduced ‘em!”