Aug 27, 2009 02:42
Ive been sick with the flu... or something... Since sunday.
I've been so restless. My room feels like a prison. I havent been in my car or on my bike. I just sit in my room, and sleep weird hours, and eat weird things at weird times. I am just trying to rest and get better but all the school money stuff is really eating at the back of my mind. A few weeks ago i would be stressing out about work and even being here. I was partying and having fun wednesday thursday friday saturday, now im sleeping sunday monday tuesday wedenesday and contemplating school thursday and trying not to over induldge friday saturday... Ahh but thats life.
Ive been feeling like theres something wrong with me again... Its not fun to talk about but maybe if i write about it ill look back and laugh. I get so paranoid, its probably just psychosomatic. I have been trying to reduce my caffiene intake. Its been really easy lately since i dont have anything to do that requires energy. I bet when i get back into school and working out though, ill feel the need to indulge. All summer i wrote lists when i got bored. Its not really that it took up a lot of my time or made me counterproductive. The lists didnt noticably make life easier either. Its just that i find life up here at such a different pace than down on the coast and its discouraging. I wonder if i made the right choice, one that i was so sure of 2 months ago. I couldnt stand the stress of work and was ready to work to make a way for the future so i wouldnt have to fret over a lifeguarding supervising job. I was good, okay, at my job. But i still felt i could have been doing something better. And in the end... I didnt have as many friends as i would have like to have. I thought i could make everyone happy, but i ended up making so many people afraid of me. And making myself unhappy. And i was so stubborn i couldnt just leave it alone i just made it worse. And i carry that theme back up to here i think.
I dont know when ill ever be completely content with my life, Actually i know i never will be completely, but i dont know when ill be predominately at ease with my life or my path. I guess happiness will always be seasonal and fleeting for me, but i hope that I let myself live long enough and smart enough to see that change one day. I have been praising my discontent and calling it motivation. But most people, they dont see that. I work hard but im never satisfied. I take the time to tell peopel good job, but they see right through it. Its a forced and learned habit rather than a sympathetic emotion.
A lot of people say they are OCD, or Bipolar or something...
Most of them are just lonely.
The worst is to be lonely and only know how to make yourself more alone. Like wanting to build something and only having hands that destroy. A surgeon with guns for hands. Thats what i feel like sometimes. If i let someone in, all the way... Ive got to make them suffer like i do. Ive never done that though. Ive never let someone all the way in. that seems like something that will never happen... Its entertaining to go through the process, but then when it gets to that point, theres always something... that doesnt measure up. Why didnt i pay attention to that before, now its driving me crazy, i have to get that person away from me. I dont know if as im typing i believe this stuff or if its stuff i want myself to believe. I just dont really know anymore, it all happens so fast. I still feel like im coping with these problems from a mental standpoint of my high school self sometimes. I read books about it, i think about it, i get counseled about it, i see it in others, i go through it time and again. And then when it comes around its always the same. Im just frozen. I dont say anything when i need to say something. And i say the worst things when i dont need to, when i just need to shut up. And i know its over. But i want to keep going. I want to prove to myself that this person, the one i thought was worthy... is nothing. And when the going gets tough, they mean nothing.... they mean well? No, and i never believed it, I just had to prove it to them and to myself one more time. If i was worth it, which i tell myself that i am, this person, this organization would have made it work.
I don t know what else a journal is for but to vent. Ill vent privately too. somethings are for me and just me. Somethings arent for you.