(no subject)
I'm beginning to feel like bit bit of a poser of myself. It's a pretty ridiculous feeling to have, since I don't know who else I'd try to be. I think I'm getting close to being ready to reinvent myself again.
I did that freshman year at CSW. Actually, I think this is very much the same. Only I'm afraid I won't do as good of a job with the reinvention this time.
Coming out of middle school, I had a pretty random assortment of interests, I was slightly awkward, slightly rebellious, and mostly pretty neutral in terms of how I acted. By the end of freshman year, I had the clearest idea of my values and beliefs that I've ever had in my life. I was politically active, punk in attitude and even appearance. Sophomore year came and I discovered art and learned how to totally throw myself into that. I taught myself to screen print. I started painting, doing collage, taking pictures..
So here I am with all of that under my belt, and no idea what's next. I wish I was still that person I used to be. I wish I was, but I'm not. Instead I'm here with not one tangible thing to cling to and define who I am.
Adding to my disorientation today is the fact that the laptop I ordered showed up in the mail and I went out and bought a tripod. Between working (and hardly spending money on anything but groceries) this past summer and graduation gifts I still have a good bit of money. Sitting on the silver line coming back from the camera shop in South Boston with my tripod, I was sitting across from a guy about my age. He looked pretty damn hip. He alternated between that iPod in one pocket of his designer jacket and the Motorola Razr cell phone in the other as the bus wound by all of the old warehouses and fish companies along the waterfront. It occurred to me that I could easily go out today and buy an equally hip outfit and appropriate accessories. It's a pretty embarrassing thought. Of course I have no desire to do it, but it bothers me to know I could.
More importantly, it bothers me that nothing commits me to the person I am now. I don't just mean fashion, but also education, lifestyle, friends... All of it has the potential to be so fluid. I don't like that.
Back at CSW it was easy to ignore that fact. And besides, it was much less true there.
This wasn't what I was going to write about, but it's what came out. For some reason this feels even more self centered than posting on livejournal usually does.
Anyhow, apologies to everyone I owe apologies to, which is quite a few, for various reasons. Goodnight.
I did that freshman year at CSW. Actually, I think this is very much the same. Only I'm afraid I won't do as good of a job with the reinvention this time.
Coming out of middle school, I had a pretty random assortment of interests, I was slightly awkward, slightly rebellious, and mostly pretty neutral in terms of how I acted. By the end of freshman year, I had the clearest idea of my values and beliefs that I've ever had in my life. I was politically active, punk in attitude and even appearance. Sophomore year came and I discovered art and learned how to totally throw myself into that. I taught myself to screen print. I started painting, doing collage, taking pictures..
So here I am with all of that under my belt, and no idea what's next. I wish I was still that person I used to be. I wish I was, but I'm not. Instead I'm here with not one tangible thing to cling to and define who I am.
Adding to my disorientation today is the fact that the laptop I ordered showed up in the mail and I went out and bought a tripod. Between working (and hardly spending money on anything but groceries) this past summer and graduation gifts I still have a good bit of money. Sitting on the silver line coming back from the camera shop in South Boston with my tripod, I was sitting across from a guy about my age. He looked pretty damn hip. He alternated between that iPod in one pocket of his designer jacket and the Motorola Razr cell phone in the other as the bus wound by all of the old warehouses and fish companies along the waterfront. It occurred to me that I could easily go out today and buy an equally hip outfit and appropriate accessories. It's a pretty embarrassing thought. Of course I have no desire to do it, but it bothers me to know I could.
More importantly, it bothers me that nothing commits me to the person I am now. I don't just mean fashion, but also education, lifestyle, friends... All of it has the potential to be so fluid. I don't like that.
Back at CSW it was easy to ignore that fact. And besides, it was much less true there.
This wasn't what I was going to write about, but it's what came out. For some reason this feels even more self centered than posting on livejournal usually does.
Anyhow, apologies to everyone I owe apologies to, which is quite a few, for various reasons. Goodnight.