one-shot; bite me (actually -- please don't), rated pg
title: Bite Me (Actually, Please Don't)
rating: PG
pairing: Baekhyun/Chanyeol
genre: Fluff and (poorly attempted) Crack
summary: In which Baekhyun’s mom fills out an online dating form for her son, and Chanyeol thinks he’s a vampire.
length: 2,292 words
"You aren't exactly what I was expecting." Baekhyun outwardly raised an eyebrow as he inwardly facepalmed at his own statement. If that wasn't the understatement of the year, then he didn't know what was.
The tall male sitting across from him shifted in his seat slightly before flashing a quick smile, pearly white teeth shining despite the dim lighting of the restaurant. "Funny, I can't exactly say the same. Not yet, anyways." His eyes flitted from the candle on the table to the silverware laid out. He absentmindedly played with his fork before smiling more shyly. "I don't believe in judging a book by its cover, so why don't we get to know each other first? Hi, I’m Park Chanyeol."
---
When Baekhyun turned twenty one, his mother thought it would be a grand idea to sign him up for an online dating web site.
"This is ridiculous. I am twenty one; I am an adult. I do not need to count on a computer’s algorithms to set me up with a date." He scrunched up his face as if he had eaten something sour. "I'm not that desperate for companionship, mom."
"Well, it seems we can’t count on you to produce a lover on your own.” Baekhyun’s mother shook her head before clicking her tongue as she continued to navigate the brightly-colored site currently adorning her computer monitor. The neon colors were giving Baekhyun a slight headache as he looked over his mother’s shoulder. “It’s precisely because you have gone twenty one years without so much as a crush that I worry about you."
"Just because I don't tell you every little detail about my love life does not mean I haven’t --"
"Hush, I can’t hear the instructional video on how to use this web site."
"Mom --"
"I highly suggest you close your mouth before you end up forever alone. Or worse, you end up as an aging cat lady. Man. Grandpa."
"But I’m allergic to cats. Remember that time when Uncle Heechul came over and he --"
"Technicalities, technicalities. A dog man then."
"Mom, let me correct my earlier statement. I’m just allergic to fur."
"Bird man. Whatever. Now hush so that I can fill out your dating profile and find a future daughter-in-law."
---
A waiter soon came over to take their orders. "I’ll have a glass of water and some pasta carbonara," Baekhyun swiftly ordered before motioning towards the male across from him.
Chanyeol shook his head, low voice coming across with a hint of amusement. "I, on the other hand, will have nothing, but thank you for asking anyways."
Baekhyun raised an eyebrow as the waiter gathered up their menus with nothing more than a small shrug in response. "No appetite?"
The tall male in question slowly shook his head before leaning forward on the table. His left eye twitched as he whispered, "Human food makes my stomach upset. Well, most human food anyway."
"'Human' food?" Baekhyun blinked once, twice, before brushing some short strands of hair behind his right ear. "I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly?"
"I believe so.” Chanyeol nodded seriously before sitting up straighter. “You see, I'm actually a vampire."
Baekhyun blinked rapidly again before calling back their waiter. "Excuse me, may I change my order of water to a bottle of wine?"
It was going to be a long night (Baekhyun could just tell), and he didn’t want to be a hundred percent sober when dealing with it.
“Red or white, sir?”
---
An awkward silence draped itself over the pair once the waiter had left. The silence was only broken once the waiter returned with their food twenty minutes later, when Chanyeol opened his mouth to pose a question. “Are you homophobic?”
Baekhyun paused as he was lifting a bite of angel hair to his mouth. He shook his head slowly from side to side while giving the other male a look that involved raised eyebrows. “I don’t think of myself as homophobic. I’ve shown interest in both males and females alike, actually... Wait, why do you ask?”
Chanyeol simply shrugged in response. “You seem disturbed by my presence as your blind date.”
“Your gender is definitely not the issue.” Baekhyun quickly swallowed another bite before pointing his fork in the taller male’s direction. “Although, speaking of which, I did actually expect someone of a more feminine charm to come.”
Chanyeol let out a chuckle. “You didn’t specify female on your online profile.”
“I didn’t exactly have any say in my online profile.” Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrowed as he remembered his mother setting up practically everything. “Wait, what did my profile say?”
Chanyeol looked smug as he brushed a finger across his nose. “Your profile screamed ‘Park Chanyeol,’ that’s what.”
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes before refilling his glass of red wine and taking a tentative sip. “Right, so, I am going to leave the premises, and I would advise you do the same before people in white coats come by and haul you away.”
“Okay,” Chanyeol laughed before cupping his mouth, left eye (once again) twitching slightly. “But I was being perfectly honest. You stated that you desired someone who was attractive.”
“Attractive.” The smaller male deadpanned.
“Oh, and someone intelligent.”
“Intelligent.”
“And finally, someone who was incomparably one of a kind.”
Baekhyun’s mouth curved upwards into an amused half-smile. “That, you certainly are.”
---
When the two had finally finished dining, Chanyeol announced very loudly that he would be taking Baekhyun home for the night (to the smaller male’s horror, as people in the restaurant gawked at the tall lanky male flailing about in the middle of the restaurant). “It would be the polite thing to do,” he had exclaimed cheerily, smile taking up half his face, as he attempted to hold the shorter boy’s hand while they walked out the establishment’s doors.
Baekhyun stared at the large, warm hand grasping his. “I’m not a defenseless child. I can walk home by myself just fine.” He decided not to mind the hand-holding in the end though, as he interlocked fingers with the other male before loudly clearing his throat. “But thank you just the same.”
“You are very welcome.” Chanyeol’s face split into another another wide grin as he swung their connected hands back and forth.
Baekhyun had to admit, there was just something about Chanyeol that he couldn’t help but find incredibly intriguing. Something about the taller boy that allowed Baekhyun to interlock their fingers together as they walked and comfortably bask in the other boy’s swaying of their connected arms back and forth. The shorter boy frowned as he felt his heartbeat increase in speed. There were only a few possibilities as to why his heart was thump-thumping so fast. Either (a) he was having a heart attack, (b) he was extremely nervous about something - perhaps something having to do with the weird individual walking him home, or (c) he was somehow feeling affection towards Park Chanyeol.
But there was just no way that Baekhyun could have fallen for Chanyeol so easily, the smaller of the two inwardly reasoned. He didn’t believe in something like love at first sight (that was too high school, been there, done that -- it all had to do with a certain Chinese boy who had been some sort of martial arts prodigy). Plus, the other male was too strange, too foolish -- it didn’t fit his usual taste in men (or women, for that matter). Yet even he couldn’t deny that he was feeling some sort of affection for this twitchy, ever-smiling individual (but not enough to warrant the L-word, no, not yet).
Yes, Baekhyun nodded to himself as he sorted out his thoughts. In the end, he would blame his heart’s arrhythmia on nothing more than nervousness.
As the warm hold on his hand suddenly loosened, Baekhyun looked up at the other male and pouted slightly. “Chanyeol --”
“This is your apartment complex, isn’t it?” Indeed it was. Funny how time could fly by when one was too preoccupied by troublesome thoughts.
“Oh,” Baekhyun breathed out. “Thanks again.”
Chanyeol waved his hand in a nonchalant manner before proceeding to shake his head left and right. “Wait, before you head inside, don’t I deserve some kind of reward for walking you home?”
“Pardon?” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow.
“Some kind of... Reward. Yes?” The lanky individual coughed slightly before another one of his toothy smiles spread over his face. “I think in these kind of situations a farewell kiss is usually in order?”
Baekhyun could feel his cheeks and ears raise in temperature. “Um, that seems a little --”
“But in this case, I will be accepting your neck as a consolation prize.” The tall male interrupted gleefully as he took a step closer to the shorter of the two.
Baekhyun wrinkled his nose. “Wait, what. Did you just say my neck? As in, you are really going through with this whole vampire concept-thing?”
“It is not a ‘concept’ or a ‘thing’; I really am a vampire.” Chanyeol frowned. “Now let me bite your neck and suck your blood. I didn’t have any dinner, you know.” The male started forward, grabbing Baekhyun’s shirt collar and pulling the smaller male closer to himself. There was an inch of space between Chanyeol’s open mouth and Baekhyun’s bare neck, then half an inch, a centimeter, and then there was no space at all as the taller boy closed it with his tongue and teeth. He nipped gently at the junction where Baekhyun’s neck and shoulder met until the smaller boy suddenly let out a soft moan.
“Oh, that was unexpected.” Chanyeol smirked as Baekhyun covered his mouth with his hands and pushed the other male with a hard shove.
“You, sir, are an idiot. A perverted idiot.” He breathed quickly as he shoved Chanyeol once more for good measure. He lightly touched the area where Chanyeol had bitten, before realization dawned on him. He gasped once before furrowing his eyebrows and pointing accusingly at the other. “Did you just leave a hickey on my neck?”
“I suddenly didn’t feel like piercing my teeth all the way through your skin, that’s all.” Chanyeol stuck out his tongue before winking. “Maybe some other time I’ll do more than just leave a hickey.”
“Excuse you --”
“I’ll actually suck your blood.” Chanyeol interrupted before opening his mouth to growl.
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes before letting out a sigh. “Right.”
“Right,” Chanyeol echoed. He chuckled before stroking a hand through his hair. “So I’ll see you some other time then, yes?”
“You’re insufferable.” Baekhyun huffed before shaking his head slowly. “No.”
“I’ll ring you.” Chanyeol lifted a hand to his ear in a mock calling motion.
Baekhyun groaned. “I said no. Good night, Park Chanyeol.” He then proceeded to turn around and enter his apartment building. As he took the elevator up to the twelfth floor, the back pocket of his pants began to vibrate. Thinking it was probably his mother wanting to know how the date went, he opened the call with a tentative, “Mom?”
“I hope that’s not a kink of yours, Baek.” There was low laughter on the other line, and Baekhyun realized that it definitely wasn’t his mother who had called. “Calling people ‘mom’ in bed and whatnot. Frankly, I might not mind if you called me ‘daddy’ or even ‘big daddy,’ but it would be a little hard to wrap my mind around being called the former.”
Baekhyun flushed before stammering out Chanyeol’s name alongside various intelligent words. “Chanyeol -- what -- how -- I don’t -- Huh?”
“I suppose you’re unaware, but your mother listed your cellphone number on your dating profile.” Chanyeol chuckled. “So how does next Friday night sound?”
“Mother,” Baekhyun grumbled in an aside, away from his phone. To Chanyeol, he asked instead, “What about next Friday night?”
“Another date. You, me, and my place.” Baekhyun could practically see a confident smile forming on Chanyeol’s face as he said this. “I’ll have a lot of alcohol at the ready, if you need it. I’d rather hope you wouldn’t need it though, because I like to think my presence isn’t that unbearable?”
Baekhyun sighed as he massaged the bridge of his nose. “Chanyeol, you truly are insufferable.”
“I’ll take that comment as a statement of infatuation. See you next Friday at seven!” The line clicked -- dead. Baekhyun murmured sentences like, I won’t go, I won’t be there, why is Chanyeol such an idiot, before returning his phone to his back pocket with a sigh. Once the elevator arrived at his floor, Baekhyun mentally hit himself as he realized the reason for his exasperated sighs and forming smile.
(It wasn’t his nerves.)
---
By the time his second date with Chanyeol had come around, Baekhyun had become absolutely positive about three things. First, Park Chanyeol seemed to truly believe that he was a vampire. Second, there was a part of Chanyeol - and he didn’t know how prominent that part might be (but it seemed to be very prominent by his current knowledge) - that was a complete idiot. Third, Baekhyun himself must also be an idiot, because he was the one who had begun to fall irrevocably in love with Chanyeol.
(Baekhyun would have to tell his mom later to maybe expect a son-in-law rather than a daughter-in-law instead.)
A/N: Dedicated to the person who initially got me shipping ChanBaek/BaekYeol AKA Kat. Let me apologize for two things though. 1) I'm sorry this somehow took so long for me to actually finish! Half a year, according to my memory, whoops! 2) I'm sorry that I somehow decided to finish this before any of my HeungSoon fics, LOL. But thank you for being the wonderful Baek to my Yeol. Please accept this small token of my love. ILY! ♥
rating: PG
pairing: Baekhyun/Chanyeol
genre: Fluff and (poorly attempted) Crack
summary: In which Baekhyun’s mom fills out an online dating form for her son, and Chanyeol thinks he’s a vampire.
length: 2,292 words
"You aren't exactly what I was expecting." Baekhyun outwardly raised an eyebrow as he inwardly facepalmed at his own statement. If that wasn't the understatement of the year, then he didn't know what was.
The tall male sitting across from him shifted in his seat slightly before flashing a quick smile, pearly white teeth shining despite the dim lighting of the restaurant. "Funny, I can't exactly say the same. Not yet, anyways." His eyes flitted from the candle on the table to the silverware laid out. He absentmindedly played with his fork before smiling more shyly. "I don't believe in judging a book by its cover, so why don't we get to know each other first? Hi, I’m Park Chanyeol."
---
When Baekhyun turned twenty one, his mother thought it would be a grand idea to sign him up for an online dating web site.
"This is ridiculous. I am twenty one; I am an adult. I do not need to count on a computer’s algorithms to set me up with a date." He scrunched up his face as if he had eaten something sour. "I'm not that desperate for companionship, mom."
"Well, it seems we can’t count on you to produce a lover on your own.” Baekhyun’s mother shook her head before clicking her tongue as she continued to navigate the brightly-colored site currently adorning her computer monitor. The neon colors were giving Baekhyun a slight headache as he looked over his mother’s shoulder. “It’s precisely because you have gone twenty one years without so much as a crush that I worry about you."
"Just because I don't tell you every little detail about my love life does not mean I haven’t --"
"Hush, I can’t hear the instructional video on how to use this web site."
"Mom --"
"I highly suggest you close your mouth before you end up forever alone. Or worse, you end up as an aging cat lady. Man. Grandpa."
"But I’m allergic to cats. Remember that time when Uncle Heechul came over and he --"
"Technicalities, technicalities. A dog man then."
"Mom, let me correct my earlier statement. I’m just allergic to fur."
"Bird man. Whatever. Now hush so that I can fill out your dating profile and find a future daughter-in-law."
---
A waiter soon came over to take their orders. "I’ll have a glass of water and some pasta carbonara," Baekhyun swiftly ordered before motioning towards the male across from him.
Chanyeol shook his head, low voice coming across with a hint of amusement. "I, on the other hand, will have nothing, but thank you for asking anyways."
Baekhyun raised an eyebrow as the waiter gathered up their menus with nothing more than a small shrug in response. "No appetite?"
The tall male in question slowly shook his head before leaning forward on the table. His left eye twitched as he whispered, "Human food makes my stomach upset. Well, most human food anyway."
"'Human' food?" Baekhyun blinked once, twice, before brushing some short strands of hair behind his right ear. "I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly?"
"I believe so.” Chanyeol nodded seriously before sitting up straighter. “You see, I'm actually a vampire."
Baekhyun blinked rapidly again before calling back their waiter. "Excuse me, may I change my order of water to a bottle of wine?"
It was going to be a long night (Baekhyun could just tell), and he didn’t want to be a hundred percent sober when dealing with it.
“Red or white, sir?”
---
An awkward silence draped itself over the pair once the waiter had left. The silence was only broken once the waiter returned with their food twenty minutes later, when Chanyeol opened his mouth to pose a question. “Are you homophobic?”
Baekhyun paused as he was lifting a bite of angel hair to his mouth. He shook his head slowly from side to side while giving the other male a look that involved raised eyebrows. “I don’t think of myself as homophobic. I’ve shown interest in both males and females alike, actually... Wait, why do you ask?”
Chanyeol simply shrugged in response. “You seem disturbed by my presence as your blind date.”
“Your gender is definitely not the issue.” Baekhyun quickly swallowed another bite before pointing his fork in the taller male’s direction. “Although, speaking of which, I did actually expect someone of a more feminine charm to come.”
Chanyeol let out a chuckle. “You didn’t specify female on your online profile.”
“I didn’t exactly have any say in my online profile.” Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrowed as he remembered his mother setting up practically everything. “Wait, what did my profile say?”
Chanyeol looked smug as he brushed a finger across his nose. “Your profile screamed ‘Park Chanyeol,’ that’s what.”
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes before refilling his glass of red wine and taking a tentative sip. “Right, so, I am going to leave the premises, and I would advise you do the same before people in white coats come by and haul you away.”
“Okay,” Chanyeol laughed before cupping his mouth, left eye (once again) twitching slightly. “But I was being perfectly honest. You stated that you desired someone who was attractive.”
“Attractive.” The smaller male deadpanned.
“Oh, and someone intelligent.”
“Intelligent.”
“And finally, someone who was incomparably one of a kind.”
Baekhyun’s mouth curved upwards into an amused half-smile. “That, you certainly are.”
---
When the two had finally finished dining, Chanyeol announced very loudly that he would be taking Baekhyun home for the night (to the smaller male’s horror, as people in the restaurant gawked at the tall lanky male flailing about in the middle of the restaurant). “It would be the polite thing to do,” he had exclaimed cheerily, smile taking up half his face, as he attempted to hold the shorter boy’s hand while they walked out the establishment’s doors.
Baekhyun stared at the large, warm hand grasping his. “I’m not a defenseless child. I can walk home by myself just fine.” He decided not to mind the hand-holding in the end though, as he interlocked fingers with the other male before loudly clearing his throat. “But thank you just the same.”
“You are very welcome.” Chanyeol’s face split into another another wide grin as he swung their connected hands back and forth.
Baekhyun had to admit, there was just something about Chanyeol that he couldn’t help but find incredibly intriguing. Something about the taller boy that allowed Baekhyun to interlock their fingers together as they walked and comfortably bask in the other boy’s swaying of their connected arms back and forth. The shorter boy frowned as he felt his heartbeat increase in speed. There were only a few possibilities as to why his heart was thump-thumping so fast. Either (a) he was having a heart attack, (b) he was extremely nervous about something - perhaps something having to do with the weird individual walking him home, or (c) he was somehow feeling affection towards Park Chanyeol.
But there was just no way that Baekhyun could have fallen for Chanyeol so easily, the smaller of the two inwardly reasoned. He didn’t believe in something like love at first sight (that was too high school, been there, done that -- it all had to do with a certain Chinese boy who had been some sort of martial arts prodigy). Plus, the other male was too strange, too foolish -- it didn’t fit his usual taste in men (or women, for that matter). Yet even he couldn’t deny that he was feeling some sort of affection for this twitchy, ever-smiling individual (but not enough to warrant the L-word, no, not yet).
Yes, Baekhyun nodded to himself as he sorted out his thoughts. In the end, he would blame his heart’s arrhythmia on nothing more than nervousness.
As the warm hold on his hand suddenly loosened, Baekhyun looked up at the other male and pouted slightly. “Chanyeol --”
“This is your apartment complex, isn’t it?” Indeed it was. Funny how time could fly by when one was too preoccupied by troublesome thoughts.
“Oh,” Baekhyun breathed out. “Thanks again.”
Chanyeol waved his hand in a nonchalant manner before proceeding to shake his head left and right. “Wait, before you head inside, don’t I deserve some kind of reward for walking you home?”
“Pardon?” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow.
“Some kind of... Reward. Yes?” The lanky individual coughed slightly before another one of his toothy smiles spread over his face. “I think in these kind of situations a farewell kiss is usually in order?”
Baekhyun could feel his cheeks and ears raise in temperature. “Um, that seems a little --”
“But in this case, I will be accepting your neck as a consolation prize.” The tall male interrupted gleefully as he took a step closer to the shorter of the two.
Baekhyun wrinkled his nose. “Wait, what. Did you just say my neck? As in, you are really going through with this whole vampire concept-thing?”
“It is not a ‘concept’ or a ‘thing’; I really am a vampire.” Chanyeol frowned. “Now let me bite your neck and suck your blood. I didn’t have any dinner, you know.” The male started forward, grabbing Baekhyun’s shirt collar and pulling the smaller male closer to himself. There was an inch of space between Chanyeol’s open mouth and Baekhyun’s bare neck, then half an inch, a centimeter, and then there was no space at all as the taller boy closed it with his tongue and teeth. He nipped gently at the junction where Baekhyun’s neck and shoulder met until the smaller boy suddenly let out a soft moan.
“Oh, that was unexpected.” Chanyeol smirked as Baekhyun covered his mouth with his hands and pushed the other male with a hard shove.
“You, sir, are an idiot. A perverted idiot.” He breathed quickly as he shoved Chanyeol once more for good measure. He lightly touched the area where Chanyeol had bitten, before realization dawned on him. He gasped once before furrowing his eyebrows and pointing accusingly at the other. “Did you just leave a hickey on my neck?”
“I suddenly didn’t feel like piercing my teeth all the way through your skin, that’s all.” Chanyeol stuck out his tongue before winking. “Maybe some other time I’ll do more than just leave a hickey.”
“Excuse you --”
“I’ll actually suck your blood.” Chanyeol interrupted before opening his mouth to growl.
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes before letting out a sigh. “Right.”
“Right,” Chanyeol echoed. He chuckled before stroking a hand through his hair. “So I’ll see you some other time then, yes?”
“You’re insufferable.” Baekhyun huffed before shaking his head slowly. “No.”
“I’ll ring you.” Chanyeol lifted a hand to his ear in a mock calling motion.
Baekhyun groaned. “I said no. Good night, Park Chanyeol.” He then proceeded to turn around and enter his apartment building. As he took the elevator up to the twelfth floor, the back pocket of his pants began to vibrate. Thinking it was probably his mother wanting to know how the date went, he opened the call with a tentative, “Mom?”
“I hope that’s not a kink of yours, Baek.” There was low laughter on the other line, and Baekhyun realized that it definitely wasn’t his mother who had called. “Calling people ‘mom’ in bed and whatnot. Frankly, I might not mind if you called me ‘daddy’ or even ‘big daddy,’ but it would be a little hard to wrap my mind around being called the former.”
Baekhyun flushed before stammering out Chanyeol’s name alongside various intelligent words. “Chanyeol -- what -- how -- I don’t -- Huh?”
“I suppose you’re unaware, but your mother listed your cellphone number on your dating profile.” Chanyeol chuckled. “So how does next Friday night sound?”
“Mother,” Baekhyun grumbled in an aside, away from his phone. To Chanyeol, he asked instead, “What about next Friday night?”
“Another date. You, me, and my place.” Baekhyun could practically see a confident smile forming on Chanyeol’s face as he said this. “I’ll have a lot of alcohol at the ready, if you need it. I’d rather hope you wouldn’t need it though, because I like to think my presence isn’t that unbearable?”
Baekhyun sighed as he massaged the bridge of his nose. “Chanyeol, you truly are insufferable.”
“I’ll take that comment as a statement of infatuation. See you next Friday at seven!” The line clicked -- dead. Baekhyun murmured sentences like, I won’t go, I won’t be there, why is Chanyeol such an idiot, before returning his phone to his back pocket with a sigh. Once the elevator arrived at his floor, Baekhyun mentally hit himself as he realized the reason for his exasperated sighs and forming smile.
(It wasn’t his nerves.)
---
By the time his second date with Chanyeol had come around, Baekhyun had become absolutely positive about three things. First, Park Chanyeol seemed to truly believe that he was a vampire. Second, there was a part of Chanyeol - and he didn’t know how prominent that part might be (but it seemed to be very prominent by his current knowledge) - that was a complete idiot. Third, Baekhyun himself must also be an idiot, because he was the one who had begun to fall irrevocably in love with Chanyeol.
(Baekhyun would have to tell his mom later to maybe expect a son-in-law rather than a daughter-in-law instead.)
A/N: Dedicated to the person who initially got me shipping ChanBaek/BaekYeol AKA Kat. Let me apologize for two things though. 1) I'm sorry this somehow took so long for me to actually finish! Half a year, according to my memory, whoops! 2) I'm sorry that I somehow decided to finish this before any of my HeungSoon fics, LOL. But thank you for being the wonderful Baek to my Yeol. Please accept this small token of my love. ILY! ♥