THE HISSING HARPIES' MASTER LIST
Dear GS100 members and most worthy mods, here, at the earnest request of the Dark Mod, the Hissing Harpies thus most humbly and modestly present to you the Master List of Curses created during the writing of their recent oeuvre, "I F***ing Do!"
Should you be of a delicate or nervous disposition, we pray that you resist the temptation to click on the cut.
Severus
Merlin's festering bollocks
Fucking
Prospero's jockstrap!
For Apollo's sake!
Balthazar's bollocks
Bloody
bloody barn owl in heat,
flaming Salazar’s festering piles,
bowtruckle-brained Gryffindor,
Nimue’s dripping knickers,
by the nine pricks of Hell,
Merlin’s swinging bollocks
walking argument for birth control
Supercilious fishwife
Elitist, conceited, fiscal, snobby, blue-blooded socialite.
Bastet’s bloody, battered bones!
Bloody fucking hell!
Screw all that
Bastard
Bastet’s bollocks
Fucking awful
Prospero's pustulant prick
Not a Fwooper's chance in a dragon's den
vicious harridan with the temper of a Hungarian Horntail and the delicate sensibilities of a dockworker
Persephone's Pubes,
Thestral's fwoop,
Balthazar's bollocks (duplicate)
In a ghoul's arse
Fucking
Loki's tits!
What the fuck
Wayland's wanger
stinking shitload
Freya's furry fanny
bugger off
Jove's sweaty jockstrap
bloody chuffing hell
manipulative, goat-buggering, pickled turd
bloody fuck
shiftless old parasite
old bastard
piss off
Poseidon's pimpled arse
world's most worthless wanker
you festering boil on the arse of humanity
hard-hearted harpy
bleeding
you worthless excrescence
broody banshee
sodding
You've got a fucking nerve
Crowley's crumpets
Bloody fucking hellfire
Slimy, soul-sucking ...
Self-centered, arrogant, unfeeling she-Knarl
harpy
harridan
couldn't give a Jarvey's arse
baboon-faced bitch
hellhole
fucking wedding politics
Thestral Turd;
dunderhead;
Harpy minor;
Aberforthable;
damn;
wicked, wicked witch;
wanton wicca;
sadistic Slytherin;
thrice-condemned;
take a flying fuck at the moon (Vonnegut);
bloody
Nosy Niffler
Cronus' cock ring
chuffing
hideous shrubbery
sodding incompetent imbeciles
fucking
Merlin’s saggy tits
fwooping turdfaces
horse-fucked howler monkeys
basket-brained bastards
weak-livered pansies
airheaded gibberish-dispenser
plotting, little, bowtruckle-brained house-elves
sodding, scuffling schoolteachers;
grungy, gangrenous Goblins
cursed, cock-flaunting Centaurs
fucking like rabid Nifflers
Fucking Anansi’s arsehole
Pusillanimous
soul-suckingly boring
fucked to fuckville
scrofulous shit
Hermione
Thrice-damned mouth
Slytherin, sodding, sadist!
Shitty
Bollocks
Bloody, fucking, blistering hell
Dragon-pox-ridden, skinny arse
Vipertoothed ...
cold-hearted slimy Slytherin,
dung-eating bug,
flobberworm shithead,
dirty bastard
Damn that hag to the Nine Levels of Hell!
Nimue's nappies!
Fucky fucking fuckity fuck
Merlin's hairy arsehole
Nimue's negligee
beetle-brained bimbo
lying, loathsome plonker
Philemon's flaming flatulence
inane, bourgeois, outmoded, oppressive, middle class,
Circe's slipknot,
take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut (Vonnegut),
Harpyshit
Fuckwit of Fuck Hall, Fuck Lane, Fuckton, Fuckshire
Craptastic
Hell's teeth
What the fwooping hell
Angrboda's stinking armpits!
Fucking
Festering, pus-filled, pox-ridden swine
Bloody
somebody's knackers are going to be chargrilled and fed to them with Tabasco sauce
sodding
damn
bollocking
cunty arseholes
Bridgid's bra-straps
ha bloody ha
hellish
sodding
bossy cow
satin-covered Doxy droppings
fwooping prima donna
bubble-headed bimbo with the taste of a blind baboon
bloody
stuff themselves
blew up like a dyspeptic dragon
Nimue's knockers
son of a Potions Master-shagging bitch
fuckwitted fathead
hard-hearted harpy
perverted parrot
Herpo's haemorrhoids
Fucking marvellous
What in Maeve's name
Fat bloody chance
up yours
Perenelle's purple petticoat!
Horklump-witted ...
Mer-mouthed ...
Bloody fucking hell
... smacked you across the tits with a pustulant Troll’s dick
haranguing harridan
Flobberworm fucking ...
Circe-cursed wedding
Fwooping
Troglodyte
Shallow, imbecilic twat
Literally, metaphorically, and in every fucking way bloody
Fucking
Bloody
Bugger Orion with a meat-hook
Bugger your peacocks in the Hall of Heroes
Infernal
Sweet Merlin
Fucking little blighters
I dance the sodding Macarena on your bleeding, goat-loving corpse
Sex-sodden, syphilis-infected brain
Fiend-fire fried frizz
Fucked to perdition
Thrice-damned interfering arseholes
Sweet Nimue
Thor's tightie-whities
Gaia's granny-pants
Aberforthing;
Circe's slipknot;
lovey-cakes;
Harpy Squad;
arsehole;
musty, moldy, ruffled Victorian torture device;
great dirty beast of a warlock;
Merlin's pearls;
o good fucking Merlin;
barmy Scottish bint;
fucking white wine;
toasty bits with shit on them;
festering;
pox-ridden;
pox-ridden, thestral buggering;
acromantula vomit;
a dragon took a dump on it;
Mr Nargle breath.
fwooping feathered menace
sodding, secretive Slytherin
I'll have your bollocks for breakfast on toast
arse
Outer Bumfuck, Africa
shitty bastard
Dumb and Dumber
Antigone's arsehole
Hera's hymen
Circe's slipknot (repeat)
'Starchy Knickers' McGonagall
fwooping
fucking
shitty
bugger
thrice-damned (repeat)
Hammertoes and Monkey Arse
putrescent parrot
Holy buggering crap
Pan's piddler
Nimue on a Nargle!
Shitfuckpissdamn
Saturn's saggy bollocks
bony arse
bloody
fwooping
I'll hex you into herring and feed you to the Giant Squid
Circe's soggy knickers
Gaia's bloody garters
shit-stirring, putrescent poltergeist
...going to exorcise you and trap you in a filthy fucking toilet bowl so that an eternal rain of crap falls on you
eft-footed leper
Thestral turd-covered troglodytes
haranguing, red-headed harridans
fwooping shit-soaked dresses
Firenze
As Mars is my witness!
Heinous, ill-fated...
Ginny:
Horrible, hissing harpy
Sodding, backhexing ...
Stuck up
Wanker (actually Granger-loving wanker!)
Fuck a Flesh-Eating Slug
Fwooping little bitch
conniving little cow
bloody
Callisto's corset
daydreaming dimwit
dysenteric Thestral shit
pissed as a pickled Lethifold
Tisiphone's twat
vindictive cow
look like a pile of Thestral puke
hairy half-breed
fuck off
perverted poltergeist
furry fuckwit
Thalia's thong
Godric's hairy gonads
Harry:
Godforsaken
Knarls
Fuckwitted
Bloody, fucking, blistering hell
Frigging
Bastard
fuckwit
dumbfuck
Shiiiit
Molly:
Bloody
Desk-twirling, mange-ridden, she-Kneazle
Publicity-seeking harlot
Death-Eating debutante
Ungrateful, mother-maligning ...
Ungrateful she-demon
infernal grass patch
Ron:
Morgana’s maternity bra
Greasy git
No fwooping way
Fucking
Don't give a kelpie's arse
son of a basilisk bogey
Madder than a she-Knarl in heat
fwooping gorgeous shag-bag
What the fuck…?
Bloody
hairy houri
stuff this
jaundiced jarvey
Mr I-Have-Peacock-Feathers-Stuck-Up-My-Arse
my inebriated idiots
bugger me backwards on a broomstick
downer
Lucius Malfoy:
chrysostom friend
Merlin's cravat
Great son of a harpy
Circe’s cunty fish-flaps!
son-of-a Bundimun
Fatwit
your obsessive, oversized beak
scraggy, unrelenting, bleached carrion crow
puke-worthily
piffle
Yorkshire skinflint
I hope to Merlin's beard-spangles
Beelzebub's bollocks
Cannibalistic, turd-eating boil on a wizard's arse!"
Mordred's manacles
Fwoopingly fuckwitted ...
Bollocksed X up
Fwooping
Damned
Merlin’s lice-ridden hair-shirt
Wittering Weasleys
Merlin's diamond necklace
syphilitic son of a retarded she-troll
I'm going to extract his entrails through his nose and shove them back down his fucking throat
Hades’ hirsute harpy
fuckwitted philistines
freckle-faced turd
peasant-grade Muggle monkey piss
Narcissa:
You sodding excuse for a wizard.
insipid, fuckwitted, dead-brained banshees
Merlin’s pearls
by Dionysus
power-hungry pussycat
gnome-riddled little pigsty
useless, skinny, watered-silk covered arse
peasants
slimy, fucking troglodytes
Complete, sodding cock-up
Merlin's diamond cufflinks
Draco:
Aphrodite’s arsehole
Hagrid
Bandy-legged Bowtruckles
cruddy, piss-poor
Hooch
bugger me backwards with a broomstick
fwooping
Agrippa's arsehole
fucked
Trelawney
Epona's armpits
such a festering doxy-nest of wickedness
encroaching icicle
Slughorn
Titania's tits
worse than a jarvey in a jockstrap
I'll be a pickled pixie's penis
Mr Pompous Prissy-Arse
jumping Krups!
Veela lips
Ptolemy's trefoil titty-rings!
my voluptuous Veela
Buggy the house elf
By Ajax's arse-crack
Muggle cleaning device
I'll be a hovering Hoover
Grubby
whoozy green pea jellied brain
Pomfrey
ram a red-hot catheter up them
Pustulating placebos
couldn't give an Erumpent's eructation
Dagda's danglies
a frigid Dementor's fanny of a woman
sadistic son of a she-skrewt
stinking spirochetes
fwooping
when I take your rectal temperatures with a red hot poker
McGonagall
Stop getting your bloomers in a brangle
Niffler's nadgers
Thrutching Thestrals
Grendel's girdle
Godric's goitre
Thestral-shit-for-brains
silly, stargazing slag
tits
Fwooping
Persephone's plaited pubes
Hussy
bloody thing
Juno’s tits
bent as a troll's todger
who in the name of Abadon's wobbly arse
Bast's whiskers!
sodden gingerbread
in the name of ten patched bagpipes
kneazle piss on the rocks
Fried Wrackspurts haggis
Bloody Merlin’s jockstrap
miserable excuse for protoplasm
shining light of the wizardkind
Circe’s fatty bacon
Sinistra
Orion's outsized orifice
snatch
bauble-balancing homunculus
cock like a Quidditch bat
take a piss
Aberforthy
Flitwick
BOTHER
Jocasta
brazen busybody
godforsaken
Bloody Hell,
irresponsible, misguided, delusional
Godforsaken, demon-infested hell-hole
bloody;
fucking
sodding hell
horseshit
Martin
Twisted old pervert
Eileen
bleeding
flobberworm fart
sodding
don't give a Banshee's bum
Mr. I'm-too-posh-for-my-parents
stuff it up your arse with a Quidditch bat
chuffing
poncy
sodding
cheeky bugger
Shut your trap
poncy, jumped-up quack
Whore-mongering wretch of a goat-herder
Leprous
flea-ridden pony
Doomsday-prophet
shiftless, goat-reeking arse
Percy
bossy cow
constipated banshee
Unnamed centaurs:
couldn’t hit a turd in a Delphi sewer
Mercury’s balls
Pomona Sprout:
pickled walnut (drunk person)
Persephone’s pants!
fuck
bloody
Bacchanalian bog brush (bad smell)
Anorexic, tentacula-tongued, skinny-arsed
Kingsley Shacklebolt
Holymotherofmerlin!
Stop screeching like a bloody constipated banshee
Random party goers:
fucking fantastic
randy Nifflers
fwooping
Aberforthed
Leadbelly:
as much use as a cast-iron mangle crank for working filigree
you miserable glass hammer
grabfisted Gryffindor
Fussocking forge fumes!
Chiselling
Mithering pansy!
Pacifist killjoy!
Hammerhand:
rusty-knackered
Splitter
going to fucking screw X's knackers into a G-clamp and show them how much my lump hammer likes my anvil
I'm taking my pliers to your pubes
Brass Monkey:
Bloody
slag-coated
arsehole
Lavender:
desperate, outdated tart
Doxy-ridden domesticity
Sodding
Snot-nosed, swotty skank
Bloody
braid-brained whore
He-Who-Was-A-Dickheaded-Overlord
Melanie:
social-climbing trollop
Go fuck a ferret
spiteful slag
backhexing
tits
blabber-mouthed bitch
Luna:
fwooping lollyganger
peeping woozlesnatcher
Fluffy:
sugar snatch
Show Fluffy your pretty titties
Bugger me sideways with a pineapple
Horny barnacles
Sweet, yummy, crunchy bug
Bloody shitting sick shark’s vomit
Shut your yappers, you scurvy bastards, or Fluffy will see you hung, and not by your tails
Stinking son of a whore
Fucked to perdition
Splice the buggering mainbrace with a Bad Man's bollock-hairs!
Fuck me - but I likes me critters crunchy!
shake your buns and swing your skinny arse, you old thistle!
Ahoy, you mangy fuck-monkeys!
Bane:
Eat thistles!
Like your droppings aren't ill-odoured
Clotho's hoof clippers!
By Prometheus' prick
Neptune’s turgid nimrod
Magorian:
Artemis' sacred snatch
Venus’ vagina
The Sorting Hat:
Nit-infested nincompoops
Scabrous dunces
Authorial voice:
Shit-soaked disaster
handfasting from hell
horse shit
the crowning turd on the steaming shitpile her life had become
surly git
pissed as pickled pixie
blight-blasted beetle
absolutely fucking terrible
Iorgovan/Dolohov:
Fucking
Pox-ridden Mudblooded hag
Fish-belly white, bloated arse
Blood traitors
won’t be worth a dragon’s last fart
airheaded Gryffindor harpies
Flobberworm-fucking twat
Albus (portrait):
kilted kelpie
Toby:
crazy whore
Fuck the moths in her chimney’s cobwebs
chuffing great ponce
bleeding
arse
tight-arsed little skinflint
Bradman's pimpled arse
sons of banshees
Fucking finger food
Cor, blimey
shit-poxed pansies
Holy Jeebus
Aberforth:
Neptune's nutsack
Elder:
troll-brained, pesky elf
Alfie:
bugger me sideways and call me Betty
Various elves:
By Apicius’ numinous tastebuds, I is scooping your pistachios through your nostrils and roasting them with salt!
I is grounding them with lard, parsley and nutmeg for meatballs in tomato sauce! I is showing him how my pestle loves my mortar!
I is scalding his ears and pounding them thin and tender for a Wiener Schnitzel!
Eat Troll brains, you oil-oozing greasy spoon monger
Suck your mother’s yolks
Farty is calling this food? Bits of shit on bread?
Goldnugget:
Khrysos' karats
Guards:
Thestral turd
Nimue’s knickers
Dennis Creevey:
awfulest, beastliest, cackiest, duffest, evilest, foulest, germiest, hideousest, ignoblest, jobbiest, knarliest, loathesomest, mingiest, naffest, obnoxiousest, pottiest, quislingest, rudest, slimiest, tetchiest, ugliest, vilest, worst, excruciatingest, yuckiest, zombiest person
Should you be of a delicate or nervous disposition, we pray that you resist the temptation to click on the cut.
Severus
Merlin's festering bollocks
Fucking
Prospero's jockstrap!
For Apollo's sake!
Balthazar's bollocks
Bloody
bloody barn owl in heat,
flaming Salazar’s festering piles,
bowtruckle-brained Gryffindor,
Nimue’s dripping knickers,
by the nine pricks of Hell,
Merlin’s swinging bollocks
walking argument for birth control
Supercilious fishwife
Elitist, conceited, fiscal, snobby, blue-blooded socialite.
Bastet’s bloody, battered bones!
Bloody fucking hell!
Screw all that
Bastard
Bastet’s bollocks
Fucking awful
Prospero's pustulant prick
Not a Fwooper's chance in a dragon's den
vicious harridan with the temper of a Hungarian Horntail and the delicate sensibilities of a dockworker
Persephone's Pubes,
Thestral's fwoop,
Balthazar's bollocks (duplicate)
In a ghoul's arse
Fucking
Loki's tits!
What the fuck
Wayland's wanger
stinking shitload
Freya's furry fanny
bugger off
Jove's sweaty jockstrap
bloody chuffing hell
manipulative, goat-buggering, pickled turd
bloody fuck
shiftless old parasite
old bastard
piss off
Poseidon's pimpled arse
world's most worthless wanker
you festering boil on the arse of humanity
hard-hearted harpy
bleeding
you worthless excrescence
broody banshee
sodding
You've got a fucking nerve
Crowley's crumpets
Bloody fucking hellfire
Slimy, soul-sucking ...
Self-centered, arrogant, unfeeling she-Knarl
harpy
harridan
couldn't give a Jarvey's arse
baboon-faced bitch
hellhole
fucking wedding politics
Thestral Turd;
dunderhead;
Harpy minor;
Aberforthable;
damn;
wicked, wicked witch;
wanton wicca;
sadistic Slytherin;
thrice-condemned;
take a flying fuck at the moon (Vonnegut);
bloody
Nosy Niffler
Cronus' cock ring
chuffing
hideous shrubbery
sodding incompetent imbeciles
fucking
Merlin’s saggy tits
fwooping turdfaces
horse-fucked howler monkeys
basket-brained bastards
weak-livered pansies
airheaded gibberish-dispenser
plotting, little, bowtruckle-brained house-elves
sodding, scuffling schoolteachers;
grungy, gangrenous Goblins
cursed, cock-flaunting Centaurs
fucking like rabid Nifflers
Fucking Anansi’s arsehole
Pusillanimous
soul-suckingly boring
fucked to fuckville
scrofulous shit
Hermione
Thrice-damned mouth
Slytherin, sodding, sadist!
Shitty
Bollocks
Bloody, fucking, blistering hell
Dragon-pox-ridden, skinny arse
Vipertoothed ...
cold-hearted slimy Slytherin,
dung-eating bug,
flobberworm shithead,
dirty bastard
Damn that hag to the Nine Levels of Hell!
Nimue's nappies!
Fucky fucking fuckity fuck
Merlin's hairy arsehole
Nimue's negligee
beetle-brained bimbo
lying, loathsome plonker
Philemon's flaming flatulence
inane, bourgeois, outmoded, oppressive, middle class,
Circe's slipknot,
take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut (Vonnegut),
Harpyshit
Fuckwit of Fuck Hall, Fuck Lane, Fuckton, Fuckshire
Craptastic
Hell's teeth
What the fwooping hell
Angrboda's stinking armpits!
Fucking
Festering, pus-filled, pox-ridden swine
Bloody
somebody's knackers are going to be chargrilled and fed to them with Tabasco sauce
sodding
damn
bollocking
cunty arseholes
Bridgid's bra-straps
ha bloody ha
hellish
sodding
bossy cow
satin-covered Doxy droppings
fwooping prima donna
bubble-headed bimbo with the taste of a blind baboon
bloody
stuff themselves
blew up like a dyspeptic dragon
Nimue's knockers
son of a Potions Master-shagging bitch
fuckwitted fathead
hard-hearted harpy
perverted parrot
Herpo's haemorrhoids
Fucking marvellous
What in Maeve's name
Fat bloody chance
up yours
Perenelle's purple petticoat!
Horklump-witted ...
Mer-mouthed ...
Bloody fucking hell
... smacked you across the tits with a pustulant Troll’s dick
haranguing harridan
Flobberworm fucking ...
Circe-cursed wedding
Fwooping
Troglodyte
Shallow, imbecilic twat
Literally, metaphorically, and in every fucking way bloody
Fucking
Bloody
Bugger Orion with a meat-hook
Bugger your peacocks in the Hall of Heroes
Infernal
Sweet Merlin
Fucking little blighters
I dance the sodding Macarena on your bleeding, goat-loving corpse
Sex-sodden, syphilis-infected brain
Fiend-fire fried frizz
Fucked to perdition
Thrice-damned interfering arseholes
Sweet Nimue
Thor's tightie-whities
Gaia's granny-pants
Aberforthing;
Circe's slipknot;
lovey-cakes;
Harpy Squad;
arsehole;
musty, moldy, ruffled Victorian torture device;
great dirty beast of a warlock;
Merlin's pearls;
o good fucking Merlin;
barmy Scottish bint;
fucking white wine;
toasty bits with shit on them;
festering;
pox-ridden;
pox-ridden, thestral buggering;
acromantula vomit;
a dragon took a dump on it;
Mr Nargle breath.
fwooping feathered menace
sodding, secretive Slytherin
I'll have your bollocks for breakfast on toast
arse
Outer Bumfuck, Africa
shitty bastard
Dumb and Dumber
Antigone's arsehole
Hera's hymen
Circe's slipknot (repeat)
'Starchy Knickers' McGonagall
fwooping
fucking
shitty
bugger
thrice-damned (repeat)
Hammertoes and Monkey Arse
putrescent parrot
Holy buggering crap
Pan's piddler
Nimue on a Nargle!
Shitfuckpissdamn
Saturn's saggy bollocks
bony arse
bloody
fwooping
I'll hex you into herring and feed you to the Giant Squid
Circe's soggy knickers
Gaia's bloody garters
shit-stirring, putrescent poltergeist
...going to exorcise you and trap you in a filthy fucking toilet bowl so that an eternal rain of crap falls on you
eft-footed leper
Thestral turd-covered troglodytes
haranguing, red-headed harridans
fwooping shit-soaked dresses
Firenze
As Mars is my witness!
Heinous, ill-fated...
Ginny:
Horrible, hissing harpy
Sodding, backhexing ...
Stuck up
Wanker (actually Granger-loving wanker!)
Fuck a Flesh-Eating Slug
Fwooping little bitch
conniving little cow
bloody
Callisto's corset
daydreaming dimwit
dysenteric Thestral shit
pissed as a pickled Lethifold
Tisiphone's twat
vindictive cow
look like a pile of Thestral puke
hairy half-breed
fuck off
perverted poltergeist
furry fuckwit
Thalia's thong
Godric's hairy gonads
Harry:
Godforsaken
Knarls
Fuckwitted
Bloody, fucking, blistering hell
Frigging
Bastard
fuckwit
dumbfuck
Shiiiit
Molly:
Bloody
Desk-twirling, mange-ridden, she-Kneazle
Publicity-seeking harlot
Death-Eating debutante
Ungrateful, mother-maligning ...
Ungrateful she-demon
infernal grass patch
Ron:
Morgana’s maternity bra
Greasy git
No fwooping way
Fucking
Don't give a kelpie's arse
son of a basilisk bogey
Madder than a she-Knarl in heat
fwooping gorgeous shag-bag
What the fuck…?
Bloody
hairy houri
stuff this
jaundiced jarvey
Mr I-Have-Peacock-Feathers-Stuck-Up-My-Arse
my inebriated idiots
bugger me backwards on a broomstick
downer
Lucius Malfoy:
chrysostom friend
Merlin's cravat
Great son of a harpy
Circe’s cunty fish-flaps!
son-of-a Bundimun
Fatwit
your obsessive, oversized beak
scraggy, unrelenting, bleached carrion crow
puke-worthily
piffle
Yorkshire skinflint
I hope to Merlin's beard-spangles
Beelzebub's bollocks
Cannibalistic, turd-eating boil on a wizard's arse!"
Mordred's manacles
Fwoopingly fuckwitted ...
Bollocksed X up
Fwooping
Damned
Merlin’s lice-ridden hair-shirt
Wittering Weasleys
Merlin's diamond necklace
syphilitic son of a retarded she-troll
I'm going to extract his entrails through his nose and shove them back down his fucking throat
Hades’ hirsute harpy
fuckwitted philistines
freckle-faced turd
peasant-grade Muggle monkey piss
Narcissa:
You sodding excuse for a wizard.
insipid, fuckwitted, dead-brained banshees
Merlin’s pearls
by Dionysus
power-hungry pussycat
gnome-riddled little pigsty
useless, skinny, watered-silk covered arse
peasants
slimy, fucking troglodytes
Complete, sodding cock-up
Merlin's diamond cufflinks
Draco:
Aphrodite’s arsehole
Hagrid
Bandy-legged Bowtruckles
cruddy, piss-poor
Hooch
bugger me backwards with a broomstick
fwooping
Agrippa's arsehole
fucked
Trelawney
Epona's armpits
such a festering doxy-nest of wickedness
encroaching icicle
Slughorn
Titania's tits
worse than a jarvey in a jockstrap
I'll be a pickled pixie's penis
Mr Pompous Prissy-Arse
jumping Krups!
Veela lips
Ptolemy's trefoil titty-rings!
my voluptuous Veela
Buggy the house elf
By Ajax's arse-crack
Muggle cleaning device
I'll be a hovering Hoover
Grubby
whoozy green pea jellied brain
Pomfrey
ram a red-hot catheter up them
Pustulating placebos
couldn't give an Erumpent's eructation
Dagda's danglies
a frigid Dementor's fanny of a woman
sadistic son of a she-skrewt
stinking spirochetes
fwooping
when I take your rectal temperatures with a red hot poker
McGonagall
Stop getting your bloomers in a brangle
Niffler's nadgers
Thrutching Thestrals
Grendel's girdle
Godric's goitre
Thestral-shit-for-brains
silly, stargazing slag
tits
Fwooping
Persephone's plaited pubes
Hussy
bloody thing
Juno’s tits
bent as a troll's todger
who in the name of Abadon's wobbly arse
Bast's whiskers!
sodden gingerbread
in the name of ten patched bagpipes
kneazle piss on the rocks
Fried Wrackspurts haggis
Bloody Merlin’s jockstrap
miserable excuse for protoplasm
shining light of the wizardkind
Circe’s fatty bacon
Sinistra
Orion's outsized orifice
snatch
bauble-balancing homunculus
cock like a Quidditch bat
take a piss
Aberforthy
Flitwick
BOTHER
Jocasta
brazen busybody
godforsaken
Bloody Hell,
irresponsible, misguided, delusional
Godforsaken, demon-infested hell-hole
bloody;
fucking
sodding hell
horseshit
Martin
Twisted old pervert
Eileen
bleeding
flobberworm fart
sodding
don't give a Banshee's bum
Mr. I'm-too-posh-for-my-parents
stuff it up your arse with a Quidditch bat
chuffing
poncy
sodding
cheeky bugger
Shut your trap
poncy, jumped-up quack
Whore-mongering wretch of a goat-herder
Leprous
flea-ridden pony
Doomsday-prophet
shiftless, goat-reeking arse
Percy
bossy cow
constipated banshee
Unnamed centaurs:
couldn’t hit a turd in a Delphi sewer
Mercury’s balls
Pomona Sprout:
pickled walnut (drunk person)
Persephone’s pants!
fuck
bloody
Bacchanalian bog brush (bad smell)
Anorexic, tentacula-tongued, skinny-arsed
Kingsley Shacklebolt
Holymotherofmerlin!
Stop screeching like a bloody constipated banshee
Random party goers:
fucking fantastic
randy Nifflers
fwooping
Aberforthed
Leadbelly:
as much use as a cast-iron mangle crank for working filigree
you miserable glass hammer
grabfisted Gryffindor
Fussocking forge fumes!
Chiselling
Mithering pansy!
Pacifist killjoy!
Hammerhand:
rusty-knackered
Splitter
going to fucking screw X's knackers into a G-clamp and show them how much my lump hammer likes my anvil
I'm taking my pliers to your pubes
Brass Monkey:
Bloody
slag-coated
arsehole
Lavender:
desperate, outdated tart
Doxy-ridden domesticity
Sodding
Snot-nosed, swotty skank
Bloody
braid-brained whore
He-Who-Was-A-Dickheaded-Overlord
Melanie:
social-climbing trollop
Go fuck a ferret
spiteful slag
backhexing
tits
blabber-mouthed bitch
Luna:
fwooping lollyganger
peeping woozlesnatcher
Fluffy:
sugar snatch
Show Fluffy your pretty titties
Bugger me sideways with a pineapple
Horny barnacles
Sweet, yummy, crunchy bug
Bloody shitting sick shark’s vomit
Shut your yappers, you scurvy bastards, or Fluffy will see you hung, and not by your tails
Stinking son of a whore
Fucked to perdition
Splice the buggering mainbrace with a Bad Man's bollock-hairs!
Fuck me - but I likes me critters crunchy!
shake your buns and swing your skinny arse, you old thistle!
Ahoy, you mangy fuck-monkeys!
Bane:
Eat thistles!
Like your droppings aren't ill-odoured
Clotho's hoof clippers!
By Prometheus' prick
Neptune’s turgid nimrod
Magorian:
Artemis' sacred snatch
Venus’ vagina
The Sorting Hat:
Nit-infested nincompoops
Scabrous dunces
Authorial voice:
Shit-soaked disaster
handfasting from hell
horse shit
the crowning turd on the steaming shitpile her life had become
surly git
pissed as pickled pixie
blight-blasted beetle
absolutely fucking terrible
Iorgovan/Dolohov:
Fucking
Pox-ridden Mudblooded hag
Fish-belly white, bloated arse
Blood traitors
won’t be worth a dragon’s last fart
airheaded Gryffindor harpies
Flobberworm-fucking twat
Albus (portrait):
kilted kelpie
Toby:
crazy whore
Fuck the moths in her chimney’s cobwebs
chuffing great ponce
bleeding
arse
tight-arsed little skinflint
Bradman's pimpled arse
sons of banshees
Fucking finger food
Cor, blimey
shit-poxed pansies
Holy Jeebus
Aberforth:
Neptune's nutsack
Elder:
troll-brained, pesky elf
Alfie:
bugger me sideways and call me Betty
Various elves:
By Apicius’ numinous tastebuds, I is scooping your pistachios through your nostrils and roasting them with salt!
I is grounding them with lard, parsley and nutmeg for meatballs in tomato sauce! I is showing him how my pestle loves my mortar!
I is scalding his ears and pounding them thin and tender for a Wiener Schnitzel!
Eat Troll brains, you oil-oozing greasy spoon monger
Suck your mother’s yolks
Farty is calling this food? Bits of shit on bread?
Goldnugget:
Khrysos' karats
Guards:
Thestral turd
Nimue’s knickers
Dennis Creevey:
awfulest, beastliest, cackiest, duffest, evilest, foulest, germiest, hideousest, ignoblest, jobbiest, knarliest, loathesomest, mingiest, naffest, obnoxiousest, pottiest, quislingest, rudest, slimiest, tetchiest, ugliest, vilest, worst, excruciatingest, yuckiest, zombiest person