I think I'm dying.
I'm bored and I'm tired.
My computer at my moms doesnt let me update my LJ.. for what reason I really dont know.
So I ended everything with Tom again
I know I say this all the time, but I'm really serious this time.
Its so hard because I love him, but I know it isnt coming back from him.
Its hard to think that he could find someone other then me, but I just have to move on.
I cant let myself watch my heart fall to pieces all the time over the same person it is and has been my fault after the first time he did this .. because I let him do it so many more times. Its hard, I dont think he sits at home and is like okay today I'm going to fuck with Sams head, but he is pretty selfish for not thinking before he says or does something that will hurt me.
I know I have fucked up a lot in the past and maybe we arent meant to be together, but I really dont deserve all of this hurt. I have cried so many times over this kid.. I have even let myself get to the point where I would become sick just thinking we couldnt be together, I made myself think I need him, but I dont. I dont need anyone. I make myself so mad when I see how pathetic I acted over a boy, yeah I loved him, but did I honestly think we were going to be forever.. I'm only 17.. Its not like I was divorcing my fucking husband of 50 years, even though it felt that way sometimes. I hate when I let things get to me.
So I told him I couldnt do it and then last night he called me when he was drunk. We talked for a little and I was nasty to him the whole time, he gets mad at me for being like that, but I'm sick of crying and its the only way I can get my hurt out. It kills me to think someone I went through so much with could have just dropped me like I was nothing at all to him and then for over a year play games with me and hurt me more and more. I wouls think since I was his "first love" that he wouldnt want to do that to me, I would never do this to anyone. I dont know if he just thought I was always going to be here or if he really just is selfish and only wanted me when he needed something. I feel like it is so coincidential how everytime I find someone else that I want to try things with he comes to me and tells me how much he loves and misses me.
So last night after we talked, or fought.. because we didnt even really talk at all.. I hung up on him and turned my phone off. I always tell him that I dont have to wait for him because if he wants to be with me he will just do it and he doesnt need me there pushing him to make a decision and last night he left me a message saying that he promises he will show me and like I said he will just do it and that he loves me, but then all day today he didnt call me once.. So I brought him his hat because I knew I had to go to my dads so there was an excuse for me not to stay there long and talk and then he wouldnt be able to use that as an excuse to talk to me any other time .. So I went there and I asked him what that meant and he just like laughed about it and told me not to worry about it. So I'm taking that as he only said it cuz he was drunk and he didnt want to flat out tell me that so he told me to just not to worry about it so It didnt sound to bad because if he meant it I'm sure he would have said like you'll see or something. So I left and I dont mean to complain so much about him because he realy isnt a bad person at all I just need to get this out and I'm sick of complaining to other people who most likely dont give 2 shits about any of this.
So I'm babysitting tonight and I guess I should just move on because it really is the only thing I can do. If he hasnt wanted to be with me for the past year, nothing is going to change now. So its done and over with. I'll just get over it, it will take time, but I have to this time. I have no other choice unless I want to let myself hurt like this forever because it will never stop if I dont stop it now.
My computer at my moms doesnt let me update my LJ.. for what reason I really dont know.
So I ended everything with Tom again
I know I say this all the time, but I'm really serious this time.
Its so hard because I love him, but I know it isnt coming back from him.
Its hard to think that he could find someone other then me, but I just have to move on.
I cant let myself watch my heart fall to pieces all the time over the same person it is and has been my fault after the first time he did this .. because I let him do it so many more times. Its hard, I dont think he sits at home and is like okay today I'm going to fuck with Sams head, but he is pretty selfish for not thinking before he says or does something that will hurt me.
I know I have fucked up a lot in the past and maybe we arent meant to be together, but I really dont deserve all of this hurt. I have cried so many times over this kid.. I have even let myself get to the point where I would become sick just thinking we couldnt be together, I made myself think I need him, but I dont. I dont need anyone. I make myself so mad when I see how pathetic I acted over a boy, yeah I loved him, but did I honestly think we were going to be forever.. I'm only 17.. Its not like I was divorcing my fucking husband of 50 years, even though it felt that way sometimes. I hate when I let things get to me.
So I told him I couldnt do it and then last night he called me when he was drunk. We talked for a little and I was nasty to him the whole time, he gets mad at me for being like that, but I'm sick of crying and its the only way I can get my hurt out. It kills me to think someone I went through so much with could have just dropped me like I was nothing at all to him and then for over a year play games with me and hurt me more and more. I wouls think since I was his "first love" that he wouldnt want to do that to me, I would never do this to anyone. I dont know if he just thought I was always going to be here or if he really just is selfish and only wanted me when he needed something. I feel like it is so coincidential how everytime I find someone else that I want to try things with he comes to me and tells me how much he loves and misses me.
So last night after we talked, or fought.. because we didnt even really talk at all.. I hung up on him and turned my phone off. I always tell him that I dont have to wait for him because if he wants to be with me he will just do it and he doesnt need me there pushing him to make a decision and last night he left me a message saying that he promises he will show me and like I said he will just do it and that he loves me, but then all day today he didnt call me once.. So I brought him his hat because I knew I had to go to my dads so there was an excuse for me not to stay there long and talk and then he wouldnt be able to use that as an excuse to talk to me any other time .. So I went there and I asked him what that meant and he just like laughed about it and told me not to worry about it. So I'm taking that as he only said it cuz he was drunk and he didnt want to flat out tell me that so he told me to just not to worry about it so It didnt sound to bad because if he meant it I'm sure he would have said like you'll see or something. So I left and I dont mean to complain so much about him because he realy isnt a bad person at all I just need to get this out and I'm sick of complaining to other people who most likely dont give 2 shits about any of this.
So I'm babysitting tonight and I guess I should just move on because it really is the only thing I can do. If he hasnt wanted to be with me for the past year, nothing is going to change now. So its done and over with. I'll just get over it, it will take time, but I have to this time. I have no other choice unless I want to let myself hurt like this forever because it will never stop if I dont stop it now.