keep it moving, Mr. Benny…
Because my poker software started crashing with the most recent upgrade, I seem to have regressed…
My coping mechanism of choice now. I know, it’s not the first time I’ve gotten obsessive about Sudoku puzzles, but now I’ve been using them to stop the circular or spiral thinking that ends up in a pre-Sisyphean existential suicidal state so much that I’ve started to feel invincible about solving them. When I can blast one to the tipping point in less than a minute, I get an endorphin rush. Not as great as the ones I used to be addicted to from sex, but still a good rush. A good empty rush.
But it beats Monday night reality television or cleaning my apartment.
I feel paralyzed right now.
No, the muscles and skeleton are passable, for the most part. When I got the letter from Texas Insurance Risk Pool telling me that my health insurance premiums would be increasing to a few dollars under $600 a month (about equal to the rent on my studio apartment on the northeastern corner of Hyde Park), I became something very close to apoplectic catatonia.
I have to find a job. I have no clue. I have no references and very few genuinely marketable skills. That, and I seem to be increasingly misanthropic these days, very prickly to people I don’t know well.
Every time I get a thought about something I could do, some set of thought processes kicks in and starts deconstructing every associated concept, manufacturing dozens of reasons why my initial ideas aren’t feasible.
Blam.
Who knew that being a miserable failure would sharpen my left-brain function so much?