Just Crushed
I'm pretty certain I can feel myself dying. That's the kind of thing I would say in my suicide letter, or in a journal of my last thoughts, but I can say it now and mean it. It's like I've passed the reasonable expectations of my life already - when I talk to people about loneliness and worthlessness and pointlessness, and all those lovely things, they could say (if I actually talked to anyone, anyway) that I have the rest of my life ahead of me - but it doesn't feel like I do. It feels like any day I'm going to wake up and fall victim to an accident, or illness, or ailment that will trigger a chain-reaction, and then I'll be dead. I feel like it's time to prepare for my death already.
I've always kind of talked about how loneliness, and being lonely is one of the most pervasive feelings in my life - I almost always feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by people - and let's face it, I'm anything but right now. I don't think I've spoken to anyone I can consider a friend in months. Soon I'll be able to say years. And then, I'll die alone somewhere very cold.
I like to think Julien and I are being friendlier with each other, but it's not like we spend a lot of time together. It's not like I spend any time with anyone - my work schedule makes it impossible. I can understand that, and I'm willing to grant that it's part of what's ruined any hope of a social life for me. I used to know people though, to be a little fragment of their life that sometimes called for attention. If I could just wake up to one email, or phone message, saying that someone wanted to spend time with me, or talk to me, maybe all this would seem like it had an end in store. I know I have someone who loves me, but love is not sustenance, especially when I only see that person once a week as well. I can't really go on like this.
I don't know what else to do though. I made a flier - a poster to put up around town, asking people if they wanted to be my friend. That got called off in a haste, obviously, but it shows how desperate I am for human contact. And the thing is, I'm beginning to think that it's a miracle I ever had any friends at all. Everytime I get to talk to someone, I obfuscate the conversation with unnecessary blather, and everyone just ends up talking awkwardly to me. sarita came down a while ago, and I got to see her. It made me realize something about her, but also in transit, perhaps something about myself as well.
I saw her twice while she was down - once we talked on my break during work, and it was super. Just like old times, uninterupted conversation. Then, we hung out the next day. it was also like old times, but not the good ones. I felt like I was treated as a burden, and that everything I said or did was wrong - I felt very crappy, and treated thusly. It makes me realize now though, that perhaps when I don't have an instant chemistry with someone - or when that chemistry isn't manifest - I can't interact with people. Maybe when they're as candid with their thoughts and bad feelings as sarita was, it's obvious that I'm pretty crummy to be around. I can be nothing but cheerful, but I sense that there might be an air about me - just something people don't like.
My wallet got lost/stolen yesterday. I felt crummy, and considered taking a lot of Advil, but then realized I couldn't buy any because all my money was in my wallet. Super.
Anyway, I'm done bitching. Thanks, Philip, you feel worse now. Night.
P.S. I should insta-change the "Depressed" mood to "The Usual"
I've always kind of talked about how loneliness, and being lonely is one of the most pervasive feelings in my life - I almost always feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by people - and let's face it, I'm anything but right now. I don't think I've spoken to anyone I can consider a friend in months. Soon I'll be able to say years. And then, I'll die alone somewhere very cold.
I like to think Julien and I are being friendlier with each other, but it's not like we spend a lot of time together. It's not like I spend any time with anyone - my work schedule makes it impossible. I can understand that, and I'm willing to grant that it's part of what's ruined any hope of a social life for me. I used to know people though, to be a little fragment of their life that sometimes called for attention. If I could just wake up to one email, or phone message, saying that someone wanted to spend time with me, or talk to me, maybe all this would seem like it had an end in store. I know I have someone who loves me, but love is not sustenance, especially when I only see that person once a week as well. I can't really go on like this.
I don't know what else to do though. I made a flier - a poster to put up around town, asking people if they wanted to be my friend. That got called off in a haste, obviously, but it shows how desperate I am for human contact. And the thing is, I'm beginning to think that it's a miracle I ever had any friends at all. Everytime I get to talk to someone, I obfuscate the conversation with unnecessary blather, and everyone just ends up talking awkwardly to me. sarita came down a while ago, and I got to see her. It made me realize something about her, but also in transit, perhaps something about myself as well.
I saw her twice while she was down - once we talked on my break during work, and it was super. Just like old times, uninterupted conversation. Then, we hung out the next day. it was also like old times, but not the good ones. I felt like I was treated as a burden, and that everything I said or did was wrong - I felt very crappy, and treated thusly. It makes me realize now though, that perhaps when I don't have an instant chemistry with someone - or when that chemistry isn't manifest - I can't interact with people. Maybe when they're as candid with their thoughts and bad feelings as sarita was, it's obvious that I'm pretty crummy to be around. I can be nothing but cheerful, but I sense that there might be an air about me - just something people don't like.
My wallet got lost/stolen yesterday. I felt crummy, and considered taking a lot of Advil, but then realized I couldn't buy any because all my money was in my wallet. Super.
Anyway, I'm done bitching. Thanks, Philip, you feel worse now. Night.
P.S. I should insta-change the "Depressed" mood to "The Usual"