Broken
Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.
It has been a difficult day for me. I’ve been working on what I want out of life, and it has forced me to take a hard look at who I was and what has happened in my life to bring me to this point. Frankly, I’m not a very nice person. Actually from my stand point now I am a total asshole, and have been for a very long time.
Just on an emotional standpoint, I have had four “Loves” in my life. People who I have actually and honestly loved for who they were, besides my children. I’m thinking of women here who were all perfect in my eyes. The first was my ex-wife, and I can’t list all the reasons here that I destroyed that relationship, I’d be writing all year long. I look back and I know why things fell apart, me. Plain and simple I screwed up that relationship a long, long time ago.
The second was Sheila. I felt like I could be myself with her, because we were just friends. So I was just me. I knew it was happening, that she was falling in love with me and instead of being a man about it and returning her love (cause I felt it too), I ran like a chicken. I had every excuse in the book to justify it, but looking back it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I hurt her, because she cared about me. This unfortunately has become a theme with me.
The third was Enigma, and no that isn’t her real name. You know protect the innocent and all. I was in a hard place in my life, actually when hasn’t it been difficult for me. Again I opened up to her and was myself, big mistake. I thought it was safe, she lived on the other side of the world, there was no way I could meet her, ruin her life. It just wasn’t her life I ruined. I’m sure that she has regrets about knowing me, we did have good times together talking about life, love and everything. I know that I hurt her too, because I ran away. I was getting scared that I was falling in “love” with her, and I was right. If she asked I’d be on a plane to her even to this day. I wouldn’t do that to her or her family. I’m a curse.
Lastly there was someone I met at work. She never returned my feelings and she was right to do so. I’m a monster inside and if she had, I’d have probably done more damage than I already have. Again I opened myself up to her and allowed my selfishness to destroy the best relationship I have had in years. I knew she would never feel the way I did and she didn’t have to. I was just happy to be around her, joke with her and share the dark parts of myself so I would have some relief. I shouldn’t have, it resulted in the end of our friendship and to be honest I’m scared to try and be her friend again. I don’t want to hurt her or anyone else for that matter.
So where does that leave me now. It leaves me all alone, but I need to be that way. I can’t risk someone getting hurt by the monster that is me. I can’t allow myself to love or care for anyone, even my kids, because I will ruin them without meaning to. It is just what I am, everything I touch turns to shit and I can’t be responsible for hurting anyone else ever again.
Broken (New/Radio Version) from the album “Broken (New/Radio Version)-Single” by Lifehouse