When the World is Running Down, …
Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.
Today was not an easy day for me. First was bankruptcy court, which was painless but led to severe anxiety and the realization that after all this time my marriage was over. Second came the question from someone I didn’t know about how I dealt with the cancer. I didn’t realize all the bad and black things that simple question would bring to the surface.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve known my marriage was over a very freak’n long time ago. I’ve actually come to realize that my ex-wife was a manipulative, conniving and evil woman, hell she was all that today as well, but today meant more that I was now only the second parent to my children. She will always be the parent they deal with day in and day out. I’ll just be the one they get to visit once and a while, maybe spend the night over if I get two days off in a row. I’ll never have them as a daily part of my life ever again. That realization hurt, feels like a gaping wound deep in my chest.
I’ve also been completely off my medications for about a week now. I’m more creative, I don’t feel like a drooling nut job, but I also have noticed how irritable I am, how easy I am to jump to the negative and how anxious I get over the stupidest things. My brother wanted to look at houses today. Fine by me, until I got into the car and had a complete panic attack and couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of the car and walk around and even then I felt a tightness in my chest and my head was a blur of emotions and thoughts. Granted my head being a blur of everything is not new, but the total sense of no control, that was new.
I also got an email today from someone I didn’t know asking me how I had dealt with my cancer and if I had any advice to give. It brought back all the blackness that I thought I had pushed away. I was wrong. I’m not strong. I’m very much alone and have alienated all my friends. I also realized that most of my friends don’t care about what I went through, or what I’m still dealing with. The worse part is I’m not sure I even care about it. I’m running from it mostly. I’m not standing up to it, and confronting the issues, I’m ducking out of the way and letting it wash over me like an incoming tide.
So frankly I’m a freaking mess. I can’t sleep. I feel all alone. I have no one to turn to except doctors. My friends are all over the place and are to busy to care about my crap, or I’ve totally alienated them with my actions and the stupid things I’ve done with my life. I’m a total freaking mess, and I’m not sure that getting off my meds was the proper step. On one hand I’ve felt more creative than I have in years. On the other, I’m experiencing breakdowns and anxiety, nervous ticks and many other things. I guess I am nuts and crazy. My ex-wife stated as much today, maybe she is right. I don’t know and sitting here in the dark typing this isn’t helping. I’m scared to sleep because I can’t shut down my mind and I know what my hyper-active brain is going to do to every other aspect of my “condition” it’s going to over analyze every little thing until my head goes “pop”.
When the World is Running Down, You Make the Best of What’s Still Around. from the album “Message in a Box” by The Police