Fic: Brush With Insanity (Part 3)
Title: Brush With Insanity
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes Reid liked to attribute his attraction to Luke as a brush with insanity. But it lasted too long and it felt more deeper than simple physical desire.
Author’s Notes: Takes place a month in the future. Based upon all the episodes up until now, and haven’t included anything from the spoilers (that I know). Basically a really, really long one-shot. Broken into four-parts. Unbeta’d all mistakes are mine. Feedback or constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thank you for stopping by and reading. ~Ali
{ Part 1} { Part 2}
Reid’s emergency didn’t take that long and he was back at Katie’s within a couple of hours. He’d found a note from his roommate about more drama with Henry and his fiancée, and in a way Reid was glad. He knew Katie would want all the details of his date with Scott and he wasn’t ready to pass them along, especially since there weren’t many and most of what he remembered from his brief dinner was Luke.
He opened the fridge and contemplated what type of sandwich to make, when he heard a knock on the door. Deciding to give hell to whoever was about to interrupt his meal, he swung open the door.
A nervous looking Luke Snyder was standing in front of him. He held out a large pizza box and there was a six-pack of beer in his hand. “Hi,” he greeted Reid. “I, uh, saw you had to leave and figured you might be hungry. I remembered what kind of pizza you liked,” he swallowed, “from the last time, but I had to guess on the type of beer.”
There were too many thoughts racing through Reid’s mind, including the nervous way Luke acted around him. He hated seeing the young man anxious and unsure. He liked the fire and passion in him. Reid was also grateful that Luke knew exactly that what was Reid wanted, but whenever he considered ordering a pizza he thought about Luke and he’d change his mind. The one time he tried, it tasted like sawdust in his mouth. And when had he become that guy?
One other thought that stood out: “You can’t drink, Luke.”
“Believe me, I know. I have made that mistake in the past. The beer is for you. I just wanted to do this for you. I won’t stay.” He handed the box to Reid and came in the house a little bit, setting the beer on Katie’s coffee table. He offered one more of those shy smiles and turned to leave.
“You expect me to eat this whole thing by myself?” Reid called out to Luke’s back. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he didn’t want Luke to leave either. Maybe it was stupid-no, he knew it was stupid-but he didn’t want the young man to disappear. He’d been rude, like Luke had said, but it was easier then to think about what they could have had.
Luke’s chuckle brought him out of his thoughts. “You forget, Reid, I’ve eaten with you before. I know you can eat this whole thing by yourself.”
Reid placed the pizza down and started to walk towards Luke, his gaze never wavering from the young man. “Stay,” he quietly ordered.
Luke shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Even now, Dr. Oliver still made him feel like a nervous teenager. “I don’t know.”
The doctor was standing very close to Luke now, and if Luke wanted, he could be in Reid’s arms in an instant.
“What?” Reid asked and all he wanted to do was tug on Luke’s hips, bringing him close. “You think you’re so irresistible that I won’t be able to control myself around you?”
That wasn’t it, Luke knew. What he didn’t know, was if he could control himself around the doctor. But could he admit that? “Well, I did bring food. I know it’s your first love.”
Reid chuckled softly and his gaze caught Luke’s. Reid had known that being distant was the way to go, because after they had gotten past the verbal sparring, the teasing had come into their conversations and it made Reid want Luke even more. “Brain surgery is my first love,” he countered. “But you’re right, food is a close second.” Deciding it would be best to get out of the situation-create some distance-he turned and picked up the beer, placing it in the fridge. “So are you staying or not?” he called over his shoulder.
Luke started to walk further into Katie’s living room. “Well, I already had dinner.”
The doctor looked at him for a moment, staying in the kitchen. “The elegant woman I saw you with?”
“My grandmother, Lucinda Walsh,” he answered and picked up the pizza box.
“Ah, yes, the one who got the hearing in Dallas and let us use her private jet.” Reid came closer again, the pizza box the only barrier between them. “If I’d known, I would have gone over and thanked her personally.”
“Well, I didn’t want to pull you away from Scott.”
Reid grabbed the box out of Luke’s hands and set it on the kitchen table. He turned to get some plates. “Soda okay?” he asked.
Realizing that Reid didn’t answer the question, Luke replied, “Fine.” But he wasn’t going to be deterred, either. “And I hope Scott understood why you had to leave suddenly.”
Opening the box, pulling out a couple of pieces, and putting them on the plates, Reid answered, “Yeah, he was fine with it. I’ll call him tomorrow and reschedule. First dates…well, they can be awkward, but this gives me an excuse to see him again.”
“Oh.”
The soft sound made Reid think of those sad eyes on Luke’s face the first time they shared a real kiss, more than him kissing Luke. He looked at the young man and the eyes were there again. Reid tried not to think too much of it. “Luke, you’re never subtle. It doesn’t suit you, by the way, and it’s one of the reasons I like you. Whatever questions you have about me and my date, I wish you would ask.” He crossed his arms over his chest, contemplating the young man in front of him for a moment. “Although, why it’s any of your business, I don’t understand.”
Luke felt hurt by that, how could Reid not understand? “I care about you. I want you to be happy.”
The redhead’s hands fell to his side and his left hand bounced nervously next to his thigh. “I honestly think you believe it.”
The younger man took one small step closer, his gaze searching Reid’s. “I do.”
“And what would make you happy, Luke?” he asked softly, the food completely forgotten at this point.
“I want Noah’s eyes to be better than ever so his dreams of being a filmmaker can come true. And I want you to be happy.”
The redhead’s hand started to shake a little more, anxious to reach out for the man in front of him. “And…?”
Luke bit his lip for a moment, his gaze landing on Reid’s mouth, he could still taste him, and that desire had not diminished. Could he really admit that? Could he really go after what he wanted?
“And…?” Reid’s hand gripped Luke’s hip, soft, gentle and it made Luke break a little inside.
“And I can’t stop wanting you.”
Reid’s hand slid, palming Luke’s lower back. “You can have me, Luke, as long as you really want me. There will be no going back, though.” His gaze met Luke’s and saw the answer. “But you can’t do that.” Slowly, his hand fell away from the younger man.
“Reid.”
He looked at Luke again. “You want Noah to be happy, and you want me to be happy. But what will make you happy, Luke?”
Automatically, Luke opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out.
“When you can answer that, then…” He reached for the young man again, his hand cupping Luke’s cheek. Reid placed a gentle kiss to his mouth. “We both know how incredible we could be. But if you don’t want that…good-bye, Luke.”
He opened his mouth to respond but he knew whatever words he would say would be a lie. He turned and practically ran out of Katie’s house.
*
Luke was still shaking when he got to his car. He had to sit for a few minutes, until he felt safe to drive. Before he realized it, he was heading toward Noah and Alison’s apartment. He remembered Noah saying something about Alison working another late shift, so they would have privacy.
He wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say to Noah, but after being with Reid, after the way Reid made him feel after that last kiss…how could he be with Noah, when his mind kept straying to the abrasive and brilliant doctor?
Noah greeted him with a hug and Luke wondered if it would be their last one. They hadn’t been intimate again, partly because of Noah’s recovery, partly because they wanted everything to be right between them. They had kissed, shared hugs, Luke still held Noah’s hand when he got nervous, but nothing more. They weren’t ready and maybe Luke should have realized why, what kept holding him back.
“Is everything okay?” Noah asked. “Not that I don’t mind the visit, but it’s not like you to show up so late.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about the talks we’ve been having, about how we would make it work this time, how we would rebuild our relationship. We insisted on honesty, that we couldn’t hold anything back.”
Noah sighed and he reached out for Luke’s hand. “You’ve been incredibly patient and supportive-everything I’ve needed. Even before the surgery, helping Dr. Oliver get that hearing, building this wing, being with me during the prep and when I woke up. I don’t know what I would have done without you, Luke.”
“I love you, Noah, where else would I be?” And Luke had meant it. He knew he would always love and support Noah. But he wasn’t sure he could love Noah the way he used to.
“So what’s going on? You didn’t come over here to tell me that,” Noah said.
“No. I just think, it would be best if…” Luke hesitated. Everything about Reid made Luke react, and his first instinct was to act: argue with Reid, shove him around, try to push his buttons, see if he could get a smile or even a laugh out of the brilliant doctor. And wasn’t he here because of Reid? Because Reid had issued Luke an ultimatum, demanding that Luke be honest about how he felt about Reid and what Luke wanted.
But could Luke really end his relationship with Noah? That would be the result, wouldn’t it? As much as Luke loved Noah and still wanted to be in his life, before the surgery, before their discussion, pieces of himself had started to move on from them. He wouldn’t acknowledge it, Reid had insisted, but Luke was attracted to Noah’s doctor.
Now, Luke would be without Noah, because once Luke told Noah everything-and didn’t Noah deserve that?-Noah would most likely not want anything to do with Luke.
The blonde had to decide, he could lose Noah tonight. Was he prepared to give up Noah for what could be nothing more than a one night stand? Reid didn’t offer any definitions or promises of more.
“Noah, I think…I don’t think I can be your boyfriend any more. I still want to be in your life, but I can’t… I can’t be with you in that way.”
Noah couldn’t respond. A small part of him had been expecting this conversation, actually. All the time they’d spent together, there was still a distance there. Noah had wondered if it was because he’d been pushing Luke away for so long. Stay being friends? Noah wasn’t sure. He was still very uncertain about his future, but he knew he wanted Luke there with him.
“I keep thinking, we broke up for a reason, we needed that time apart and now I know…” Luke continued.
“Is there someone else?” The words were out of Noah’s mouth before he realized he’d even thought them. But Noah knew that could be the only explanation, or at least the only explanation he could think of. He’d pushed Luke away; he even asked once if Luke had found someone else. He denied it then, but that had been so long ago.
“Would it matter?” Luke asked instead of answering Noah’s question. He wasn’t sure if he could tell Noah about his feelings for Reid yet, especially since he and the doctor hadn’t decided anything. But he knew that was a cop-out. Didn’t he owe it to all of them to be honest?
“Of course it would matter,” Noah insisted and now he was certain Luke had found someone else.
“Weren’t you on a date when I flew your doctor to Texas?” Luke countered, but he didn’t want this conversation to turn ugly.
“Richard and I are friends. You’ve met him, Luke. I know I pushed you away, so is that it? You saw me with someone else and decided to move on?”
That wasn’t how it had happened and Luke wasn’t even sure if he was ready to move on. He knew Noah would always be a part of his life. How he handled this conversation though, would decide so much. But Luke couldn’t lie to Noah, and he couldn’t pretend. Reid had told him to be sure, could he really do this? Could he finally say good-bye to the dreams he and Noah had for a chance with someone else?
“Noah, I still want to help you in any way I can as your friend. I love you, Noah, I always will, please know that.”
“I love you too, but this feels different. There’s more. What are you not telling me?”
Luke let out a breath and closed his eyes, trying to think of the right words. But then he could still feel Reid’s hand on his waist and his mouth on his lips. “There could be someone else,” he finally admitted, “if I want to.”
“And do you want to?” Noah asked, but he already knew the answer. “Do you want to be with this other guy?”
We both know how incredible we could be.
“Luke, do you want him?”
“Yes,” he finally admitted, mostly to himself. “I didn’t…I never expected…I didn’t think I could ever want him back, but-”
“What?” Noah knew that if he was going to salvage his relationship with Luke, he would have to hear this, even though it was the last thing he wanted. He knew Luke wouldn’t cheat on him, but something had happened for Luke to suddenly decide he didn’t want to be with Noah. Luke was their biggest advocate, if he thought…if he didn’t think they could make it, then he had to want someone else. The idea made Noah sick, but he had to be strong. Could he still be in Luke’s life even if he was with another guy?
“It’s been you and me for so long, I never imagined that it wouldn’t be that way for always, but then the accident and I wasn't enough for you any more. I pushed and pushed and I tried too hard, and you needed me to be away,” Luke paused, really thinking about everything that they had been through. “You told me to stay away. I tried to be your friend, and I want to be your friend.”
Noah wasn’t sure if they could be friends, but he had to know. “And this other guy? Who is he?”
“Um…” Could he really tell Noah this? Would Reid be okay with that? Would they try and hide their relationship? Noah knew Luke better than anyone, even if Luke didn’t say Reid’s name, he would tell just by being in the same room with them. Noah had already asked Luke some questions he couldn’t really answer.
“Luke?”
“It’s Reid.”
“Reid. Reid Oliver? My doctor? You want to date my doctor?” Noah was almost convinced that Luke had met someone else named Reid, because it couldn’t be possible. None of this made sense.
“Noah-”
“I thought you two hated each other.”
“We…” How could he explain it? “We’ve been spending a lot of time together, with the hospital wing and prepping for the hearing. And…I don’t know, Noah, I’m not sure how it happened, but I-I’m sorry.”
“For what exactly? For breaking up with me? For promising me we would try again and instead date my doctor?”
“Noah, we haven’t-”
But Noah couldn’t or wouldn’t hear any more. He knew they still had some work to do, but he was willing. And what hurt the most? That Luke who never gave up, was calling it quits.
Noah stood up and headed toward the door. Maybe when he could calm down, he could talk to Luke. Maybe he could actually wrap his mind around all the arguments and fights he had heard when he couldn’t see and even after the surgery, the distance Reid created between himself and Luke. How could he reconcile that with the fact that his boyfriend (now his ex-boyfriend) and his doctor suddenly wanted each other?
“I still want to be your friend and help you with anything,” Luke begged. He desperately wanted to reach out for Noah and try to get him to understand.
“Yeah, well, if you want to help me, then you should leave,” Noah replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
Luke knew that this conversation would end up going this way, but he had to try. “All right, but-”
“What? I can’t even wrap my mind around… Don’t ask me to be okay with this. I know that you still want us to be friends, but all I keep thinking about is, the whole time, we’ve been together you’ve been thinking about Dr. Oliver.”
“No!” he insisted. “I would never… I wouldn’t allow myself to-”
“Why? Because you love me or you’d feel too guilty about wanting someone else?”
Luke’s mouth opened and closed a few times. “Noah, I-”
The brunette nodded his head knowing the answer already. “Because you felt guilty. I can’t be around you right now. How can I, when all I’d wonder is if you’d rather be with Dr. Oliver?”
“I want to be your friend, Noah. I want to help you.”
Noah opened the door. “Then leave. I don’t…this is why we broke up. Your way of helping me, doesn’t help.”
“I love you, Noah. I still want…if leaving means helping you, then I will, but know that if you need anything…all you have to do is ask.”
Noah had thought about what he wanted for a long time. “What I need is for you to not want my doctor. What I need is the life we had before my accident, but we can’t go back. Luke, you want to go forward with someone else, and I need to…maybe I need to learn to be okay with that, but I’m not. Leave.”
Luke hesitated at the door for a moment, and reached out, pulling Noah close for a hug. “I’ll always be here for you,” he whispered, holding Noah, who stood ramrod straight in his arms.
“Good-bye, Luke.”
Finally, letting go, Luke left.
*
{ Part 4}