“If you can still think, you're not dead, and if you're not dead, you can keep going.”
Lately, I've been running a little more. I've been running a lot for the last year... and then I stopped for a little while. There's a very obvious difference when I don't run, in my mood and my self confidence. So, tonight, I went running, for the second time today. When I set out tonight, bundled up in my warm cozy clothes and my ipod, I felt like I needed to think about some things that have been bothering me, like a sliver in my finger. But when I got moving... I couldn't really organize any thoughts, I couldn't pull anything up. So I didn't REALLY try. I just thought about the smaller things. The running things. I love running. I live for it. Some days, I wish I could go 3 times a day. Sometimes, I wish I could go for 15 miles.
I've fallen in love with this hill. When I first started REALLY running again, I went and did hill reps on the hill, and I mostly wanted to die. And I dreaded running up it. So, I figured out a 3 mile loop and put the hill in it. The last couple times I've done it, I've loved the hill. I put on the right song, and the climb is completely bearable, and I get to the top, and I can carry on just as I was before the hill. But it hurts, and it reminds me that I'm still moving, and that I'm still strong enough to get to the top of it, and just keep going. This is sounding like a metaphor for life... and it wasn't really what I meant when I started writing it. It really was just about conquering that actual physical hill.
This run tonight just felt great. Even though I thought I needed to detox my mind a lot, nothing really needed to be sorted out, once I started moving. It felt good, to even know I was running in November, in the dark, and the cold. Something I'm not usually known to do. The air was perfect, after the first cold half mile it felt amazing. It didn't sting my lungs, and it smelled like smoke, and dirt, and dead leaves on the ground... and dinners cooking in people's houses, and solitude. It is good to run alone sometimes. It lets me shake things off. And it helps keep me sane.
So I started thinking of all the reasons that I run, and all the issues that I come up against that the only way around them is mileage. A few months ago I went out late at night, in the dark, and I started at 3 miles. Even though my head cleared up right away, the things that had become clear seemed so scary and intimidating that I just kept going. It ended up being 8 miles and it was the first time I realized that running was total detox for me. It got everything out of me.
So, I run, because it kills me. If I push myself hard enough I won't think about things that are bothering me, because my mind is monopolized by the effort it takes to keep going at the fast pace. By the end, I am so tired, and so cleansed, that the thing that I wanted to forget seems insignificant. Or I run and I think, and I sort it all out, and it becomes clear what I want and what I need, and I work the hurt right out of me and then I can see at the end that I was being totally insecure. And running takes that out of me. It takes out all of the toxic things that creep into my mind. It lets me just get everything out.
So, these are the things I shake off, when I run:
A really bad mood.
A terrible night's sleep.
Indecision.
Lonliness.
A hangover.
Work stress.
Feelings of insecurity.
PMS
A cold
Parenting inadequacy.
A day of horrible eating.
Relationship uncertainty.
Feeling trapped
Negativity.
An argument.
Doubt.
A mistake.
My strong willed child's attitude.
Limitations, self -imposed or otherwise.
Lack of gratitude.
Constraints.
Excuses.
Emotional hurt.
Fog.
Emptiness.
Writer's Block.
It feels like so much of this stuff gets to me on certain basis and there's a lot of things that I struggle against emotionally, mentally, and physically on varying days.
And every day... running gets me out of the funk. But I've started to notice that certain things just need more miles. And on those days, I hate coming home from the run knowing that there's still some lingering detox that needs to happen.
I guess I have to keep on going.
I've fallen in love with this hill. When I first started REALLY running again, I went and did hill reps on the hill, and I mostly wanted to die. And I dreaded running up it. So, I figured out a 3 mile loop and put the hill in it. The last couple times I've done it, I've loved the hill. I put on the right song, and the climb is completely bearable, and I get to the top, and I can carry on just as I was before the hill. But it hurts, and it reminds me that I'm still moving, and that I'm still strong enough to get to the top of it, and just keep going. This is sounding like a metaphor for life... and it wasn't really what I meant when I started writing it. It really was just about conquering that actual physical hill.
This run tonight just felt great. Even though I thought I needed to detox my mind a lot, nothing really needed to be sorted out, once I started moving. It felt good, to even know I was running in November, in the dark, and the cold. Something I'm not usually known to do. The air was perfect, after the first cold half mile it felt amazing. It didn't sting my lungs, and it smelled like smoke, and dirt, and dead leaves on the ground... and dinners cooking in people's houses, and solitude. It is good to run alone sometimes. It lets me shake things off. And it helps keep me sane.
So I started thinking of all the reasons that I run, and all the issues that I come up against that the only way around them is mileage. A few months ago I went out late at night, in the dark, and I started at 3 miles. Even though my head cleared up right away, the things that had become clear seemed so scary and intimidating that I just kept going. It ended up being 8 miles and it was the first time I realized that running was total detox for me. It got everything out of me.
So, I run, because it kills me. If I push myself hard enough I won't think about things that are bothering me, because my mind is monopolized by the effort it takes to keep going at the fast pace. By the end, I am so tired, and so cleansed, that the thing that I wanted to forget seems insignificant. Or I run and I think, and I sort it all out, and it becomes clear what I want and what I need, and I work the hurt right out of me and then I can see at the end that I was being totally insecure. And running takes that out of me. It takes out all of the toxic things that creep into my mind. It lets me just get everything out.
So, these are the things I shake off, when I run:
A really bad mood.
A terrible night's sleep.
Indecision.
Lonliness.
A hangover.
Work stress.
Feelings of insecurity.
PMS
A cold
Parenting inadequacy.
A day of horrible eating.
Relationship uncertainty.
Feeling trapped
Negativity.
An argument.
Doubt.
A mistake.
My strong willed child's attitude.
Limitations, self -imposed or otherwise.
Lack of gratitude.
Constraints.
Excuses.
Emotional hurt.
Fog.
Emptiness.
Writer's Block.
It feels like so much of this stuff gets to me on certain basis and there's a lot of things that I struggle against emotionally, mentally, and physically on varying days.
And every day... running gets me out of the funk. But I've started to notice that certain things just need more miles. And on those days, I hate coming home from the run knowing that there's still some lingering detox that needs to happen.
I guess I have to keep on going.