Putting it together
But someday we'll all be old
and I'll be so damn beautiful
I actually listened to the words of Anna Nalick's song "Paper Bag" and while the concept of the song isn't new, maybe I heard it at the right time... or maybe it's the particular lines at the beginning of this post.
It NEVER occured to me to remember being younger pertaining to being made fun of. Maybe it didn't break my heart as much as it seemed to when it happened. I don't even think about it anymore. Is that an improvement in confidence? Or just an ability to block things out really well? I don't know which one it is. But the lines themselves got me thinking about beauty, and where I stand in the mess of self confidence.
Hey can ya talk a little louder, I don't think my heart is broken enough
When I was a little girl... or maybe even my whole life... I've never been the obviously pretty girl. It reminds me of a line from Grey's Anatomy, where Izzie is talking about Denny, and she talks about being a pretty girl.
I'm not a smart girl or an interesting girl, I'm a pretty girl. The blonde and the boobs, it confuses guys into thinking that I'm someone else. And I'm used to it. And I'm used to them walking away when they realize...
Growing up, I KNEW I wasn't this girl. I'm sure a lot of things were said about me when I didn't see it. I NEVER thought I was a pretty girl. Even now, I'm still not sure I believe I am. I have my days, same as every other girl where I believe one way or the other. Where I see in the mirror and I'm either okay, or confident, or ready to put the paper bag over my head. But this song made me flash back to being a little girl. To crying when I was in elementary school because NOBODY had braces yet. And for a breif period I had both glasses and braces. I had glasses before most people did. It's funny, because when I was a little girl I never really noticed that I was ridiculously uncool. I just went about my life being exactly who I wanted to be. Oh sure, sometimes I realized that nobody noticed me, or that people were always laughing at me. But it is sort of something that comes with age.
And there are ages, there are years. They might even be decates where I have no idea why I was not crying every single day. When you reach the years where it matters how you look, and what people see you as, I struggled more than I think I should have in retrospect. I tried so hard to be a pretty girl, and I was pretty much completely unnoticed. I never got it right. I even dated, but I was never that girl. The pretty girl. The obviously pretty girl. I have a lot of friends who were those girls. I wasn't. I'm not even sure I am still.
So it goes back and forth. Why do we women have to struggle with that so much. Because there will ALWAYS be someone who will see us. Maybe it's not everyone, maybe it's not obvious... it's just funny. It's funny that when someone tells me I'm beautiful, I think they are just obligated to say that. Or because I tried so hard. For instance, my mom tells me I'm pretty a lot. But she's my mom. Or at work, occasionally, someone will tell me I look really good. But that's usually because I put on a lot of makeup and did something cute with my hair. But what about when I'm not really wearing any makeup, and my hair isn't done. Or I just woke up, or just went running. What about those times when I didn't try really hard to be pretty, I wonder... does anyone/will anyone see that as pretty? It's hard to believe people sometimes when they say it. Because I wonder if they just know they 'should' say it.
I've always wondered that. I usually make excuses for it. Someone says "hey you look pretty in that picture" and I tell them that Tony photoshopped it, and I was wearing makeup and every other excuse I can think of. I never just say 'Thank you'. I feel like I need to explain that it's an illusion. "Sorry, that's not a real pretty person you're seeing... it's a trick... it's edited and covered up, and none of this is real"
What is the point where I know I'm beautiful regardless of whether anyone tells me I am. And if I want to dig past the superficial parts of what I see in the mirror... what else plays into it? What else do I need to feel beautiful. Because beauty is really a 'total package' sort of thing. Like the Izzie quote. She's the 'pretty girl' but doesn't it really need to be the whole shebang? Pretty-Interesting-Smart? And a whole lot of other things?
That is the problem. Maybe that was my problem. I think I have a pretty good personality. I think. But what I think can be wrong a LOT. Or maybe it's that the way of the world for women has little to do with our personalities. That people wouldn't look past the fact that I DON'T have the blonde hair and the boobs, and see that I might have something else.
Maybe it's good though, to be under the radar. Protects me a little bit from a lot of that crap. But it makes me a little sad sometimes. To be unnoticeable. To wonder how long it takes to be seen.
I really don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Maybe I was just feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe I was trying to figure out if I'm grown up enough to be beautiful from the inside out instead of the other way around.
It does remind me of a conversation years ago with Ben in Pittsburgh. Ben and I didn't talk a lot, so I can't even remember how we would have had this conversation, but I know that we did. He would feel less confident about himself, and then he would look in a mirror and feel more confident. That seeing how he looked actually made him realize it was better than he thought. I was (and still am?) quite the opposite. I feel pretty okay with my appearance, and then I will catch my reflection and I'm suddenly thinking "Oh no... what happened there? How did I get away with thinking I was cute?!?!"
So I think the whole point of this is that the song reminded me a lot of when I was a little girl, and I was always the girl who was laughed at and teased and made fun of. And who was never cool and never pretty and never chased after. And that years and years of that and years of feeling never quite good enough and feeling like nobody ever saw me... I wonder if I can uncover the side of myself that CAN feel that way.
Sometimes I think I will always feel a little like the ugly duckling. And that I might never grow out of it. Like I am trapped in a child's story and someone tore out the ending and won't give it back so I am stranded here and I just have to feel this way until the authors kindly give me the ending back and let me come into my own.
It's funny that even now I am thinking this, because for the first time in a very long time I feel okay with myself. Okay, so of course I'd like to change some things about myself, because who wouldn't, but I am starting to feel at home in my own skin. So maybe I'm sort of split on the whole topic. Maybe it's a day to day thing. Or maybe I know... deep down at the core of where I store my confidence that I am still trying to heal years of being unpretty. Maybe it's that I know I'm a smart girl, with a pretty good and unique personality... and maybe some days I know that who I am is someone worth bothering with... but it's still hard to break apart all of the hurt of people not looking past what they see to who I am.
but like she said...
someday we'll all be old and I'll be so damn beautiful.
Maybe I'm already there... but I just need to work a little harder at believing that altogether, I'm alright.
and I'll be so damn beautiful
I actually listened to the words of Anna Nalick's song "Paper Bag" and while the concept of the song isn't new, maybe I heard it at the right time... or maybe it's the particular lines at the beginning of this post.
It NEVER occured to me to remember being younger pertaining to being made fun of. Maybe it didn't break my heart as much as it seemed to when it happened. I don't even think about it anymore. Is that an improvement in confidence? Or just an ability to block things out really well? I don't know which one it is. But the lines themselves got me thinking about beauty, and where I stand in the mess of self confidence.
Hey can ya talk a little louder, I don't think my heart is broken enough
When I was a little girl... or maybe even my whole life... I've never been the obviously pretty girl. It reminds me of a line from Grey's Anatomy, where Izzie is talking about Denny, and she talks about being a pretty girl.
I'm not a smart girl or an interesting girl, I'm a pretty girl. The blonde and the boobs, it confuses guys into thinking that I'm someone else. And I'm used to it. And I'm used to them walking away when they realize...
Growing up, I KNEW I wasn't this girl. I'm sure a lot of things were said about me when I didn't see it. I NEVER thought I was a pretty girl. Even now, I'm still not sure I believe I am. I have my days, same as every other girl where I believe one way or the other. Where I see in the mirror and I'm either okay, or confident, or ready to put the paper bag over my head. But this song made me flash back to being a little girl. To crying when I was in elementary school because NOBODY had braces yet. And for a breif period I had both glasses and braces. I had glasses before most people did. It's funny, because when I was a little girl I never really noticed that I was ridiculously uncool. I just went about my life being exactly who I wanted to be. Oh sure, sometimes I realized that nobody noticed me, or that people were always laughing at me. But it is sort of something that comes with age.
And there are ages, there are years. They might even be decates where I have no idea why I was not crying every single day. When you reach the years where it matters how you look, and what people see you as, I struggled more than I think I should have in retrospect. I tried so hard to be a pretty girl, and I was pretty much completely unnoticed. I never got it right. I even dated, but I was never that girl. The pretty girl. The obviously pretty girl. I have a lot of friends who were those girls. I wasn't. I'm not even sure I am still.
So it goes back and forth. Why do we women have to struggle with that so much. Because there will ALWAYS be someone who will see us. Maybe it's not everyone, maybe it's not obvious... it's just funny. It's funny that when someone tells me I'm beautiful, I think they are just obligated to say that. Or because I tried so hard. For instance, my mom tells me I'm pretty a lot. But she's my mom. Or at work, occasionally, someone will tell me I look really good. But that's usually because I put on a lot of makeup and did something cute with my hair. But what about when I'm not really wearing any makeup, and my hair isn't done. Or I just woke up, or just went running. What about those times when I didn't try really hard to be pretty, I wonder... does anyone/will anyone see that as pretty? It's hard to believe people sometimes when they say it. Because I wonder if they just know they 'should' say it.
I've always wondered that. I usually make excuses for it. Someone says "hey you look pretty in that picture" and I tell them that Tony photoshopped it, and I was wearing makeup and every other excuse I can think of. I never just say 'Thank you'. I feel like I need to explain that it's an illusion. "Sorry, that's not a real pretty person you're seeing... it's a trick... it's edited and covered up, and none of this is real"
What is the point where I know I'm beautiful regardless of whether anyone tells me I am. And if I want to dig past the superficial parts of what I see in the mirror... what else plays into it? What else do I need to feel beautiful. Because beauty is really a 'total package' sort of thing. Like the Izzie quote. She's the 'pretty girl' but doesn't it really need to be the whole shebang? Pretty-Interesting-Smart? And a whole lot of other things?
That is the problem. Maybe that was my problem. I think I have a pretty good personality. I think. But what I think can be wrong a LOT. Or maybe it's that the way of the world for women has little to do with our personalities. That people wouldn't look past the fact that I DON'T have the blonde hair and the boobs, and see that I might have something else.
Maybe it's good though, to be under the radar. Protects me a little bit from a lot of that crap. But it makes me a little sad sometimes. To be unnoticeable. To wonder how long it takes to be seen.
I really don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Maybe I was just feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe I was trying to figure out if I'm grown up enough to be beautiful from the inside out instead of the other way around.
It does remind me of a conversation years ago with Ben in Pittsburgh. Ben and I didn't talk a lot, so I can't even remember how we would have had this conversation, but I know that we did. He would feel less confident about himself, and then he would look in a mirror and feel more confident. That seeing how he looked actually made him realize it was better than he thought. I was (and still am?) quite the opposite. I feel pretty okay with my appearance, and then I will catch my reflection and I'm suddenly thinking "Oh no... what happened there? How did I get away with thinking I was cute?!?!"
So I think the whole point of this is that the song reminded me a lot of when I was a little girl, and I was always the girl who was laughed at and teased and made fun of. And who was never cool and never pretty and never chased after. And that years and years of that and years of feeling never quite good enough and feeling like nobody ever saw me... I wonder if I can uncover the side of myself that CAN feel that way.
Sometimes I think I will always feel a little like the ugly duckling. And that I might never grow out of it. Like I am trapped in a child's story and someone tore out the ending and won't give it back so I am stranded here and I just have to feel this way until the authors kindly give me the ending back and let me come into my own.
It's funny that even now I am thinking this, because for the first time in a very long time I feel okay with myself. Okay, so of course I'd like to change some things about myself, because who wouldn't, but I am starting to feel at home in my own skin. So maybe I'm sort of split on the whole topic. Maybe it's a day to day thing. Or maybe I know... deep down at the core of where I store my confidence that I am still trying to heal years of being unpretty. Maybe it's that I know I'm a smart girl, with a pretty good and unique personality... and maybe some days I know that who I am is someone worth bothering with... but it's still hard to break apart all of the hurt of people not looking past what they see to who I am.
but like she said...
someday we'll all be old and I'll be so damn beautiful.
Maybe I'm already there... but I just need to work a little harder at believing that altogether, I'm alright.