(no subject)
so, a stupid thing happened and it is completely gutting me and i am nauseous about the conversation i have to have tonight.
i have a friend named Friend, and he and i have known each other for almost seven years now. awesome, awesome, jared padalecki type of guy; just enormous and attractive, and kind of dopey, good values, polite, hilarious, gets passionate about shit. i adore the crap out of him, and on some level am attracted to him, but i don't/can't date, do relationships, hook-ups, etc. so i'm not interested in being with him in any way.
i have a roommate named Roommate, and when she and i moved in we started hanging out with Friend & another guy, the four of us, just fun and drinking and completely innocent and nothing between Roommate and Friend that ever made me uncomfortable.
i have a friend named BFFL, and when Roommate and i threw a Christmas/Birthday party for me last year, BFFL came, got wasted, got shitty & competitive to me and Roommate during our interactions with Friend. he was into BFFL and they were up each other's asses all night, and this led to a fight in the bathroom of a bar between BFFL and i, in which BFFL said, "well, he likes me," and i said, "then do whatever the fuck you want."
so they proceeded to date for seven months, over which time BFFL and i had one or two conversations about how i'm uncomfortable with hearing anything about them, and she respected that, but didn't stop dating him, and i didn't stop hating it, so things between us are still a bit wonk.
during some point in their relationship i got WASTED and drunk texted him consistently between the hours of 11pm and 2am that i wanted his ass. apologized/laughed it off the next morning but overall, FACEPALM, MICHELLE. FACE. PALM.
last month they broke up, and Friend -- who hadn't spoken to either Roommate or i for the entire time he was dating BFFL -- suddenly was texting her or i again, wanting to hang out, msging via facebook things he thinks i should be passionate about, etc. so i'm like, oh good. things are back to normal.
so then this past saturday night, while i was at work, he and Roommate went out to dinner, then the bar, then came home at 2:30am. Roommate woke me up with her heels and insane giggling, and then i had the pleasure of listening to them hook up.
I WISH I DID NOT CARE ABOUT THIS. you have noooo idea.
but i fucking flipped out, was so so uncomfortable, legit wanted to barf. got out of bed, dressed in the dark, and just drove around until 7 in the morning, trying not to be mad about it. then i went and crashed at my friend's in providence. then i came back to worcester and had another friend pick me up and drive me around so i could drink wine and stop being upset. then at 12:30am i decided i should go home and yay she was in bed.
GUYS I HAVE BEEN HIDING FROM HER. THIS IS CRAZY.
but in truth i am like fucking ashamed and guilty that i care so much, that it bothers me enough to be as angry at her as i am. i feel like i don't have the right, because it's not like i'll ever date him, so i shouldn't get possessive of him.
but in the same way, i know for a fact if he were dating some nobody, i wouldn't care. i'm upset specifically because she's my friend. same with BFFL. they're both the kind of gorgeous that guys love, they are flirty and good-hearted and could form a connection with any guy they wanted to. why do they have to pick one of maybe 4 men in my life total that i have ever felt comfortable with?
UGH did not want to be re-visiting these feelings, ever, ever again. halp. kill me. what do i even say to her. feel like puking.