Oct 26, 2006 22:14
Today my father has been dead for 20 years.
As of 2:25PM Frank Ingram will forever be 20 years and many missed memories into my past. I have a mass of mixed thoughts about him. For one I know he hated gays and it is probably best that he not know of the man I am. Occasionally I find myself slipping into a feeling of shame over an assumption that my father would be dead to me anyway, even if he had lived. I wish this were not so complicated. I wish people with children could be more understanding. I wish I could feel proud of myself and know that my father would too, but I can't place those feelings in the same context. At least not when it comes to my father. I hate that this is such an issue I have to this very day. I fucking hate being emotional over people who wouldn't piss on my guts if they were on fire. And it hurts even more when it is someone you loved and have been stripped of.
I used to place my fathers memory on a pedestal, we were so close when I was a boy. We had a lot of fun together. Those are the times before disagreements set in. Before the son takes his own path to manhood. Dad didn't have to deal with me being who I am, and for that I am ..... okay. In a perfect world he would still be alive, and we would still be close. This world is far from perfect, and I am obviously not my fathers son.
Would I have become the person I am today if my father had lived? No.....
The person I am today can say that honestly. I would not have been as honest or as comfortable in adulthood if my father had lived. I would have possibly kept my feelings to myself so that he would not be ashamed of me. I don't know if my personality is strong enough to have overcome the guilt and isolation I would have felt if I had come out to my father. Or if he would have allowed me to keep living at all.
I miss my father. But, I am glad that the time I had with him was then, and not now.