How can I be such an idiot?
How can I be such an idiot...
I have been asking myself this question since last night. I tried tothink of why and or what was I thinking...But still it did not matter. I rarely make mistakes, especialy ones that hurt other people. But this time I took the cake, and the booby prize to boot. I went and did something terrible to two people I cared a great deal for...and hurt several others in the same process. What was I thinking? I think the 'Thinking' part was not there. And for all that it is worth I can only say I am sorry...But it does not cut it. How can I make ammends? How can I make it up to them? How can I ever forgive myself for the damaged I have caused? These questions and so much more I cannot answer...I want to die. But death is a release and I truely do not deserve that release. Hide? Too many people would hunt me down and drag me back into the light. It burns me up that I who has prided myself on my honor, honesty, and straitforwardness. Fell way short of any of those. I fell and took people I cared about with me. I hate myself...no I loath my exisitance right now. Feeling low is kind of an understatment. Those who know me will be greatly dissapointed in me, and that hurts. I have betrayed and harmed those that I cared for and I am lost within myself. I find myself falling further into myself loathing. I used to think I was strong only to find that I am weaker than I could imagine. I thought I was intelligent. Only to find myself beyond stupid. I thought myself a loving and worthy person. Only to find that I am hateful, mean, petty, and totaly untrustworthy, and worthless. I hate stupid people, and now I am one of those. Some would say I could learn from this...
Even if they could find it within themselves to forgive me. I do not think I can forgive myself. I looked at myself as being a good person for too long and now that I find myself looking at the real me...I hate beyond my ability to reason...myself.
Maybe some day I will be able to look at myself in a decent light. But for the time being I think I will find a hole and crawl my happy ass into it and let the world forget that I ever existed. Stupid is truely an understatment.
GozarktheMad...GozarktheIdiot is more like it. A fool, and a truely disloyal one at that...