This is Lynch for Antique Corner
Antiques are the most precious of human remains. Usually, I would assert that humans are no good for nothing consumer, greedy, useless, harmful, pieces of shit not worth more then one toe of my dog´s paw.. And we are... But we had our better times in History. We have seen better days fo´sho.
And those few years that we were at our prime... Dear lord did we ever make some nice shit.
This nice shit has traveled for years and years, surviving every known force of nature and man you can think of. Water, Fire, Piss, Shit, Snot, Garbage, Wax, Wind, Rain, Mold, Puke, and everything in between.
And yet.... They stand tall. Filled to the brim with the luster of the yesteryear... Wood still trying to shine, silk still trying to be good enough for any lady who maybe wants to use it for that night out. It brings a tear to my eye, really. Quality products from the only time quality mattered, abused and left for dead. ¨Modern is in! Old is out!¨ And all that bullcrap.
But not me. Nah-Uhn. I love my antiques with the fury of 1000 suns. And I love other people´s antiques with the same fury.... Thus why I bring you this post today.
A SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY TEIKKO LYNCH OF OMAHA (well.. not really):
Ladies and Gentlemen... Antique lovers worldwide.. I call upon your force once again to address a rather, painfully, substantially growing epidemic.
The Middle Class is attempting to perpetrate the sanctity of classic luxury once again.
^ THE ENEMY ^
First they disparage the walls of the automotive industry... Now they make a swift advance on our precious Antiques.. They are buying them up like hell rises tomorrow, sticking them in their 250,000 dollar suburban home, allowing their CHILDREN to snivel and drip all sorts of fluids on them! THEN after their child has destroyed the furniture, THEY TOSS IT INTO THE TRASHCAN or GIVE IT TO THE SALVATION ARMY.
Even when these pieces of history were as good as new back when they were first made, their owners were so aware of their value they would plop the child out and then quickly escort the shitting ball of snot to a wet nurse- FAR FAR AWAY. As to not destroy the furniture! The child could return when he was ready to respect the chaise and dining room table!
But not now, friends.. Not now.. .Now the child practically lives on the queen anne. The mothers buy antique cribs to boast about with their friends ¨Sally, Tammy, Tawny, Brenda¨ and ¨Lainie!¨. We shall only be thankful no suburban family can afford an authentic Victorian/Gothic Revival home.
Brothers, Sisters.. I call you out.. We must make a haste advance on suburban homes across America and take back what THEY don´t deserve. We must arm ourselves with wood polish and sandpaper, silk threads and an army of the pompous English hosts of Antiques Roadshow.
Saddle your horses! Heat up your 1923 Rolls Royce! Unlock the Bi-Wheels! The day of reckoning is upon us!
I introduce your acting Captain upon my current absence... Madame Bijoux of Pasadena:
She may be young.. But she is a 5 star Antique Corporal... Everybody´s saying there is no body meaner then this little old lady from Pasadena.
Many lives will be lost.. But many antiques will be gained as a result... God SPEED to you all, Chaps.
~Gen. Teikko Lynch~