The Frustration and the Beauty of the Unknown
Yet again I find myself in a lull. I find myself in between loving school and absolutely hating it. I love my job. Well, not exactly my job but I love my place of employment (good ol' PetSmart) and the things related to it. I find it such a bother to come to school, to two of my five classes anyways. The other two are alright and love my art education class. I find printmaking horrible and just a complete nuisance. I should actually be in printmaking right now but have skipped it for the second time this week. I just can not be bothered by the thought of a studio class as of late. Its such a pain in the ass to drive all the way out here to be forced to work on something for two+ hours. Printmaking just is not my thing. I have been wanting to paint lately, but have not had the time nor the energy to get started on something. I have ideas. I always have ideas, its just acting on those ideas that takes the motivation and inspiration.
Monday is a day off from school, but its also my day off from work. Sunday I'm off from both things too, but its just better on Monday 'cos of the whole no classes thing. I would love to just kick back and completely do nothing on Monday, but I'm sure I will get persuaded into working, I always do but I do not mind... usually.
Today I found myself thinking of what it could be that is holding me back. I feel like there is something more, like there is something else I should be doing, but I'm not. Another career path? A new way of thinking? I feel like I should know what it is, I feel like I do know what it is, but alas, I do not. I guess there is a charm in not knowing what the hell I want to do with myself. At the same time its paralyzingly frustrating. (Is 'paralyzingly' even a word? It sounds alright... You get the idea.)
I've been completely indecisive lately as well. One minute I think I know what I want, then an hour later I have the exact opposite mind-set. Talk about frustrating.
I wonder if I just need some sort of outlet to let my thoughts and ideas and emotions pour out of me. I feel like a balloon ready to burst. I've been feeling like there is alot of crap I'm holding back from people, but again, I do not know what that is exactly. I feel such grand potential all around me, but somehow I can not grasp it firmly enough to go for the ride. I take hold but end up letting go just a few feet off the ground. Perhaps I'm scared of what might come if I let those ghosts out from the closet that is my mind.
I want to go to the Southerntier and buy pumpkins and gourds and dried corn stalks. I want to completely decorate my house for the fall. That would be an amazing outlet. I love decorating for festive times of the year. I can not wait until Christmas. I want to go all out this year, with lights on the outside of the house and everything.
Ideas like that make me so excited and lift some of the weight that I feel I'm carrying. I feel a moment of clarity that soon dwindles to a minimum just moments later because I can not act on these thoughts fast enough.
I need a change. I need to take a risk. I think I know what part of it all might be, but that could change everything.
"I know... I don't know... That's what I do know."
G.
Monday is a day off from school, but its also my day off from work. Sunday I'm off from both things too, but its just better on Monday 'cos of the whole no classes thing. I would love to just kick back and completely do nothing on Monday, but I'm sure I will get persuaded into working, I always do but I do not mind... usually.
Today I found myself thinking of what it could be that is holding me back. I feel like there is something more, like there is something else I should be doing, but I'm not. Another career path? A new way of thinking? I feel like I should know what it is, I feel like I do know what it is, but alas, I do not. I guess there is a charm in not knowing what the hell I want to do with myself. At the same time its paralyzingly frustrating. (Is 'paralyzingly' even a word? It sounds alright... You get the idea.)
I've been completely indecisive lately as well. One minute I think I know what I want, then an hour later I have the exact opposite mind-set. Talk about frustrating.
I wonder if I just need some sort of outlet to let my thoughts and ideas and emotions pour out of me. I feel like a balloon ready to burst. I've been feeling like there is alot of crap I'm holding back from people, but again, I do not know what that is exactly. I feel such grand potential all around me, but somehow I can not grasp it firmly enough to go for the ride. I take hold but end up letting go just a few feet off the ground. Perhaps I'm scared of what might come if I let those ghosts out from the closet that is my mind.
I want to go to the Southerntier and buy pumpkins and gourds and dried corn stalks. I want to completely decorate my house for the fall. That would be an amazing outlet. I love decorating for festive times of the year. I can not wait until Christmas. I want to go all out this year, with lights on the outside of the house and everything.
Ideas like that make me so excited and lift some of the weight that I feel I'm carrying. I feel a moment of clarity that soon dwindles to a minimum just moments later because I can not act on these thoughts fast enough.
I need a change. I need to take a risk. I think I know what part of it all might be, but that could change everything.
"I know... I don't know... That's what I do know."
G.