(no subject)
Progress today? Not really, just taking my time. I haven't broken up with my boyfriend yet even though he's crazy most of the time.
I told Mauricio that I was still pretty much in love with him. He called me clingy. As much as I hate that, he made some good points. Says I'm too afraid of breaking up with my boyfriend to be happier alone.
I still do more fun charming things with everyone but my boyfriend. Today mauricio and I took a yoga class at my studio on the beach. After we ate tacos and beer and after that, he talked me into ice cream. It was so so beautiful outside and it kind of pains me to know that he's just outside of my reach.
If I wanted half of him, I could have it. If I wanted his sex, I could have that too. If I wanted him to commit, I would have to keep dreaming about it.
My boss was in my dream last night. I sort of lusted for him in the dream, but I was more after his compassion and guidance than anything else. He's a great person and he pays me well, so I don't mind dreaming about him at all.
I often think about the future and where my life is headed. What will I be doing in 5 years? Am I going to get married? Will I ever be able to buy a house? Am I going to be happy again? Was I ever happy in the first place?
Another thing I'm battling with is my anti depressant. It's started to give me really bad side effects and I'm considering smoking weed as a substitute for my anxiety. It seems to be working. I just want to be healthy again, and stay that way.
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