Imagination
Well, here I am, sitting in the kitchen. Fun stuff.
Just thinking really. Theres not a hell of a lot else to do.
But, on a more serious, personal note... my social anxiety is coming back full force. I dont particularly relish the idea of going to DG anymore. Its fun, I like playing pool.... and I do like seeing my friends.... but the sheer human crush is getting to me. I'd much rather just... walk around downtown, alone or with a friend, or something. The nights here have been beautiful... at least in the city.
Last monday, the group of us went to Grace Cathedral.... it was beautiful... warm even... I didnt need a jacket. I mostly stayed by myself even then. I dunno. I'm not even sure what I'm stressing over... probably school. I'm not sure I want to return this fall. I do want to go back... I need to, at some point... but I dont know if I'm ready, and given that a semester of school runs over 10,000 bucks... I dont want to drop the ball if I do choose to go.
This struggle with my isolationist side is... troubling. I dont hole up in my room much anymore, im totally comfortable in my own house for the first time, perhaps in my life. But going out... is getting harder.
Maybe I just need a kick in the ass from my friends or something. Who knows. Either way, the last week or so has seen the start of another downward sweep. It feels pretty mild.... but still, it kind of bites. Who knows, im fine.
I just want to escape... where, I dont know, what, I dont know.... not to be overly personal, but my doctor theorizes that I'm not just afraid of social situations, I'm afraid of even being concious, and the depression is a defense afainst having to deal with anything during those periods when I dont have any choice but to be awake. Who knows. It fits. Anyone who knows me can attest to how difficult it is to get me out of bed.
Reality is a pale imitator of those dreams I'm always chasing. -_-
Tomorrow will be good though. A day of escape, perhaps. Even better, a day of connection. Perhaps I'll even capture a shard of one of those fleeting visions in my head.
Just thinking really. Theres not a hell of a lot else to do.
But, on a more serious, personal note... my social anxiety is coming back full force. I dont particularly relish the idea of going to DG anymore. Its fun, I like playing pool.... and I do like seeing my friends.... but the sheer human crush is getting to me. I'd much rather just... walk around downtown, alone or with a friend, or something. The nights here have been beautiful... at least in the city.
Last monday, the group of us went to Grace Cathedral.... it was beautiful... warm even... I didnt need a jacket. I mostly stayed by myself even then. I dunno. I'm not even sure what I'm stressing over... probably school. I'm not sure I want to return this fall. I do want to go back... I need to, at some point... but I dont know if I'm ready, and given that a semester of school runs over 10,000 bucks... I dont want to drop the ball if I do choose to go.
This struggle with my isolationist side is... troubling. I dont hole up in my room much anymore, im totally comfortable in my own house for the first time, perhaps in my life. But going out... is getting harder.
Maybe I just need a kick in the ass from my friends or something. Who knows. Either way, the last week or so has seen the start of another downward sweep. It feels pretty mild.... but still, it kind of bites. Who knows, im fine.
I just want to escape... where, I dont know, what, I dont know.... not to be overly personal, but my doctor theorizes that I'm not just afraid of social situations, I'm afraid of even being concious, and the depression is a defense afainst having to deal with anything during those periods when I dont have any choice but to be awake. Who knows. It fits. Anyone who knows me can attest to how difficult it is to get me out of bed.
Reality is a pale imitator of those dreams I'm always chasing. -_-
Tomorrow will be good though. A day of escape, perhaps. Even better, a day of connection. Perhaps I'll even capture a shard of one of those fleeting visions in my head.