(no subject)
At times I wonder if it is right for me, a man who has always known where my preferences lie, to make moves to someone who is to all appearances straight. I wonder if I would be forcing him to my side in my need to be with someone I love. Such musings came to me when I said good night to Richard tonight.
Have I not told why he came by? It's to check on me, a show of concern I might misconstrue for something more, if I didn't know better. But still...Richard came to see me--to see me here in Solitaire's flat. He may have just dropped by, but he cared enought to ask if I was doing well. I said I was, I thought it would be better to lie at this point, but he shook his head and looked at me straight in the eye, saying something is definitely wrong with me, and I haven't been eating well. I can't answer the first charge, because that would make me declare my feelings for him and state that I've been ill, but I can answer the second, because I haven't been eating that well, and compounded with the flu, I would look not at all well. He just shook his head and asked if I was free tomorrow, maybe he could take me out and make sure I put on some flesh before I waste away to nothing. His protective instincts reminds me so much of Solitaire, who would--if he was here--make sure I was well fed, at the very least.
He's looking well, he doesn't seem to be suffering any outward sign that he even missed me the way I missed him. The perfidy of love. I am trapped in a cycle of wanting for him and he doesn't know it. At times the old furies I was so afraid off feels so much more comforting; I know the fount of their anger, why they cry for vengeance. With him I see no reason for him to care so much, except that he classifies me with his friends. I have done nothing to deserve such clemency. But didn't Tim always say, "We all think we're not worthy of anything good that happens to us; anyone who thinks he deserves it is a fool. If it happens, then it means that fate has deemed you worthy of whatever blessing she gives you."
Tim, always ready with something for me. Always caring. The same way Richard cares for people around him.
I don't plan to turn him as a means of relief, to try to mold him into Tim's image. I'd feel uncomfortable in changing anyone so subtly, when it would be better for me to cherish all the memories I have of Tim, and to make some with Richard. And I'll start making those memories, tomorrow.
But before that...
I haven't been posting, for I was struck down by a flu for the past few days. It's been too cold, or this regiment of not eating is causing me to lose my immunity. Whatever it is I was ill, and A was the one who brought me what I needed. Mrs. Higgins sent some things too, and I'm grateful for them. I didn't tell anyone else, didn't want anyone else to know that I was ill. Why the hesitation? I don't want them to worry so much. It's just the weekend, I think I feel well enough to go to work today without so many sniffles.
Have I not told why he came by? It's to check on me, a show of concern I might misconstrue for something more, if I didn't know better. But still...Richard came to see me--to see me here in Solitaire's flat. He may have just dropped by, but he cared enought to ask if I was doing well. I said I was, I thought it would be better to lie at this point, but he shook his head and looked at me straight in the eye, saying something is definitely wrong with me, and I haven't been eating well. I can't answer the first charge, because that would make me declare my feelings for him and state that I've been ill, but I can answer the second, because I haven't been eating that well, and compounded with the flu, I would look not at all well. He just shook his head and asked if I was free tomorrow, maybe he could take me out and make sure I put on some flesh before I waste away to nothing. His protective instincts reminds me so much of Solitaire, who would--if he was here--make sure I was well fed, at the very least.
He's looking well, he doesn't seem to be suffering any outward sign that he even missed me the way I missed him. The perfidy of love. I am trapped in a cycle of wanting for him and he doesn't know it. At times the old furies I was so afraid off feels so much more comforting; I know the fount of their anger, why they cry for vengeance. With him I see no reason for him to care so much, except that he classifies me with his friends. I have done nothing to deserve such clemency. But didn't Tim always say, "We all think we're not worthy of anything good that happens to us; anyone who thinks he deserves it is a fool. If it happens, then it means that fate has deemed you worthy of whatever blessing she gives you."
Tim, always ready with something for me. Always caring. The same way Richard cares for people around him.
I don't plan to turn him as a means of relief, to try to mold him into Tim's image. I'd feel uncomfortable in changing anyone so subtly, when it would be better for me to cherish all the memories I have of Tim, and to make some with Richard. And I'll start making those memories, tomorrow.
But before that...
I haven't been posting, for I was struck down by a flu for the past few days. It's been too cold, or this regiment of not eating is causing me to lose my immunity. Whatever it is I was ill, and A was the one who brought me what I needed. Mrs. Higgins sent some things too, and I'm grateful for them. I didn't tell anyone else, didn't want anyone else to know that I was ill. Why the hesitation? I don't want them to worry so much. It's just the weekend, I think I feel well enough to go to work today without so many sniffles.