Nov 19, 2007 01:44
Chapter 1:
Fears
Section A: Self Imposed
Failure:
A chief marquee notable for consistent control over actions. I am unable to operate without the notion that some fears are unwittingly powerful. There are several flavors that these fears run:
A) Irrational
B) Reasonable/overly cautious
C) Static
A) Irrational: Periodically I can become overwhelmed with bouts of paranoia and insecurity. I cannot overcome them easily, and dwell on them in repeated episodes.
ex. My girlfriend seems distant therefore she must be feeling cold to me. I am losing her. If this is true then I have lost her.
Irrational fears play through daily interactions as well, sometimes inspiting jealousy, hatred and other undesirable notions:
ex. Romina does not acknowledge me. Therefore she must not like talking to me. She thus ignores me and as a result I must hate her. I cannot have people who dislike me remain on the same plain of existence as I.
This logic will run aground once it becomes utterly irrational and juxtaposed as resentment:
ex. If Romina ignores me, I must dislike her. Any person who opposes my notions must be, in turn opposed because it challenges my well being. I cannot survive if someone close has such negative impact on me.
Fears control certain actions overall too. Sometimes these irrational fears are minor in task, but balloon into controlling events such as procrastination and moodiness:
ex. I don't want to go drop of these library books because I'm embarrassed over the fine. I will not drop them off in order to prevent feeling this self-imposed rejection.
As a result, real life issues compound themselves until the reflect the self-inflicted fears that were once not an issue.
ex. I ignore studying for a test because I fear of not comprehending the information as well as I think I am intellectually capable of doing (irrational). I then use the procrastination as a displacement and crutch for any failures.