A new sort of hatred
Dear H,
Where to really start? I just started my new job and it's sort of a hassle. I like it, but I don't, i'm feeling very bipolar about it to be honest. At least it is a library job. I work five days a week, eight hour shifts. It is what it is... But like honestly I don't care for it and I miss just being in school. Is that lame or what?
Then there is my personal life. Kyle is a hot mess. I mean he's lost his shit. He's gone full blown drunk. I can't even remember the last time I saw him sober. It's really sad. I love him, and he is my best friend... but this is making me hate him. His personality, his behavior, his actions, everything when he is drunk is just different and bad. He is just out of control. It really just breaks my heart. He is a good mad, and can work hard when he's not drunk. He can be really great... but I just don't know what is going on with him. He won't even talk to me. The most he tells me is he just hates himself. That is so shitty. He needs help, and needs to take it seriously. He needs to get his drinking under control, but he just doesn't seem to care.
I started work last Wednesday, and everyday I've come home he's been drunk. We barely get money and he wastes it all right away. We need to save up for rent and bills, but he just doesn't seem to understand that. So I'm going to try my hardest to just put my head down and work. I don't know if we are going to work out any more. If he can't get it together then I have to walk away. I can't be my mom. I can't constantly worry about him being drunk. I need to have my life back... I need to feel happiness, I need to feel loved. More often than not he makes me feel alone... so utterly alone. I'm so sad that my best friend left town after her visit from Portland because it made me feel like I had friends again. It made me feel good to get out and talk to someone other than Kyle. Now she's gone and Kyle is still out of control. I thought he would stop being jealous, and get his head on straight. But it doesn't seem to be happening.
I am trapped... I love him, but I don't. He loves me, but he doesn't. It is all one confusing hot mess. He needs to learn to have self control. He keeps calling me Randy, his dad, because I get mad and lecture him. But it all goes in one ear out of the other. He never listens, or cares about how I feel. I need to seriously think about my life and where it is heading.
Where to really start? I just started my new job and it's sort of a hassle. I like it, but I don't, i'm feeling very bipolar about it to be honest. At least it is a library job. I work five days a week, eight hour shifts. It is what it is... But like honestly I don't care for it and I miss just being in school. Is that lame or what?
Then there is my personal life. Kyle is a hot mess. I mean he's lost his shit. He's gone full blown drunk. I can't even remember the last time I saw him sober. It's really sad. I love him, and he is my best friend... but this is making me hate him. His personality, his behavior, his actions, everything when he is drunk is just different and bad. He is just out of control. It really just breaks my heart. He is a good mad, and can work hard when he's not drunk. He can be really great... but I just don't know what is going on with him. He won't even talk to me. The most he tells me is he just hates himself. That is so shitty. He needs help, and needs to take it seriously. He needs to get his drinking under control, but he just doesn't seem to care.
I started work last Wednesday, and everyday I've come home he's been drunk. We barely get money and he wastes it all right away. We need to save up for rent and bills, but he just doesn't seem to understand that. So I'm going to try my hardest to just put my head down and work. I don't know if we are going to work out any more. If he can't get it together then I have to walk away. I can't be my mom. I can't constantly worry about him being drunk. I need to have my life back... I need to feel happiness, I need to feel loved. More often than not he makes me feel alone... so utterly alone. I'm so sad that my best friend left town after her visit from Portland because it made me feel like I had friends again. It made me feel good to get out and talk to someone other than Kyle. Now she's gone and Kyle is still out of control. I thought he would stop being jealous, and get his head on straight. But it doesn't seem to be happening.
I am trapped... I love him, but I don't. He loves me, but he doesn't. It is all one confusing hot mess. He needs to learn to have self control. He keeps calling me Randy, his dad, because I get mad and lecture him. But it all goes in one ear out of the other. He never listens, or cares about how I feel. I need to seriously think about my life and where it is heading.