Angled by Martin Jones
Dear H,
What can I really say? Things are not going like they are supposed to. I just got engaged and it's already over. Feb-Apr. Nice. I feel pathetic and sad all at once. So alone... But it's my fault. I'm not supporting him the way he needs, I'm not there for him, and I don't get where he is coming from. I am trying to change him. Oh, yea, this is all according to him. He says I need to stop relying on him. That I'm setting myself up for unhappiness with him. To make matters even worse he says he's going to kill himself. Yes. That is right. I'm freaked out inside. I can't call him in, he already said I can't... But what else can I do? My therapist is going to say I should have called. I know she will... But anyways, he says that he doesn't want me to come close to happiness only to have it ruined because he's going to off himself. This is a fucked up situation. One big thing is he says I want him to change... and He isn't wrong. I want him to drink less, I don't think that is asking someone to change that much. Isn't it a change for the better? Does this make me a bad person? I guess it does because I shouln't try to change him. I shouldn't want better for him.
What sucks is he says he is a bad person, a loser, with nothing going for him. And I'm like... wait... You have me, a roof over your head, a good job, a car, and kitties who love you. That seems like a lot of stuff to be happy about. But he doesn't see it that way. God I hope he goes to work tomorrow... Hes about to get fired and then we're really screwed. No way to pay rent. We have to move... No where to put our stuff either, what joy. This is my life right now. I am not happy with it. I just feel alone and sad. I love this man, and to imagine my life without him is just fucking crazy.
What can I really say? Things are not going like they are supposed to. I just got engaged and it's already over. Feb-Apr. Nice. I feel pathetic and sad all at once. So alone... But it's my fault. I'm not supporting him the way he needs, I'm not there for him, and I don't get where he is coming from. I am trying to change him. Oh, yea, this is all according to him. He says I need to stop relying on him. That I'm setting myself up for unhappiness with him. To make matters even worse he says he's going to kill himself. Yes. That is right. I'm freaked out inside. I can't call him in, he already said I can't... But what else can I do? My therapist is going to say I should have called. I know she will... But anyways, he says that he doesn't want me to come close to happiness only to have it ruined because he's going to off himself. This is a fucked up situation. One big thing is he says I want him to change... and He isn't wrong. I want him to drink less, I don't think that is asking someone to change that much. Isn't it a change for the better? Does this make me a bad person? I guess it does because I shouln't try to change him. I shouldn't want better for him.
What sucks is he says he is a bad person, a loser, with nothing going for him. And I'm like... wait... You have me, a roof over your head, a good job, a car, and kitties who love you. That seems like a lot of stuff to be happy about. But he doesn't see it that way. God I hope he goes to work tomorrow... Hes about to get fired and then we're really screwed. No way to pay rent. We have to move... No where to put our stuff either, what joy. This is my life right now. I am not happy with it. I just feel alone and sad. I love this man, and to imagine my life without him is just fucking crazy.