I'm just gonig to fool around and just do a thing
Dear H,
okay, not a lot of changes since yesterday ha ha... Well I guess I just wanted to write about my time in junior college and the fact that I am transferring and will now be a junior in college.... kind of funny. I'm just glad that my three years at LMC paid off. I was worried that I was going to junk the last three years of my life and just struggle through life. I was not planning on transferring just because I'd be leaving everyone behind in a shitty situation. So in a way, it just never seemed like a true option... But now it's here in front of my eyes and man oh man...
I guess just... I don't have the guts I think to go back to LMC. I mean, I just want to forget about the last semester that happened... well... in all honesty just the last year and the beginning of this one. I know some people think horoscopes are lame and don't really believe in it... but I do think it has to hold some truth. Mine had said that this year was going to be a really hard one... And boy was it right... I just think of whats happened. I broke up with my first real boyfriend. That was a huge one. I had never really allowed myself to put it all out on the line like that. Now look, I ended up falling flat on my face. I think what is shitty is that I was the one dumped, it always sucks being the one who doesn't want things to end. Then I drop out of half of my classes because my home was being foreclosed on. My family and myself were kicked out of a home that I had lived in my whole life. All of my 23 years were spent there. When I was a kid I used to dream about going back home to that house and seeing my mom. But that is never going to happen. Not now... sigh things just aren't how they should be. Oh, and then there is my dad drama. His Alzheimer is bad, and he thinks my mom sold our house... WTF I wish mom had at least sold it because then we'd have some sort of cash. Shitty, I also just remembered how I lost my job which goes hand in hand with my failures at junior college. This past year and the beginning of this one I was drinking off the hook. Doing things I would never do, making a complete and utter ass of myself every damn time. Then I had to spend
time at the hospital because I just... I guess the best way to put it is just checked out... and since then I've been recovering and just trying to deal with everything that's going on. I just feel so much, and it sucks before this crap I was like... the cool and aloof one, now I'm the crazy can't cope with emotion one. My friendships have... changed dramatically, in a way I didn't think possible. But you know, some things are for the best I'd suppose... I don't know. I can say that I do miss how things used to be...
But I don't have a TARDIS so I have to stop crying about the past. I don't know how to explain that I just want to forget everything and just start new. But I can't erase the things that have already happened. I have to accept things... maybe I'll explain what things I mean... there are a lot of issues I have with the things I've done to others and myself... its hard to reflect on yourself. Uug, I didn't want this post to get emo or anything... so I'm going to end it on something positive. I am ready for the next chapter of my life. My mom and sisters are still here, so even if I leave its not like I'll never see them. I have facebook, and all that crap so they'll still be involved.
I think it'll be one hell of a test for myself! But I can't be scared, I have to be brave. I mean, I've gone through so much already what is one more thing?? I can do it, and I can't give in to my mental illnesses. I can overcome them just like everything else!! What I needed to focus on was myself, and I think this is the perfect time to do that. It'll only better myself and broaden my horizons. So I have to be excited and proud of myself and just... over and over I have to tell myself that I can do it... I really can...
ha ha!
Oh LJ I have so much I want to say... I've been AWOL for awhile and boy... do I have some shit ha ha! But I'll end up writing it all out in the nearest future... even possibly an entry tomorrow?? who knows lols
SSDD