Fic - For What It's Worth (18/25)
Title: For What It's Worth
Chapter: 18/25
Rating: M
Ship: James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers
Summary: AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.
Artwork By:thilia
Beta: jblostfan16
Author's Note: This is my bigtimebang. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.
Chapter Eighteen
“Oh. My. God.”
Kendall’s eyes popped open. The first thing he noticed was James’ arm, still warm and thrown around him as he nuzzled into Kendall’s back.
The second thing he noticed was Camille standing in his doorway, her mouth hanging open.
“Ah f-“ Kendall jumped up, only to remember that oh hey- he didn’t have any clothes on. He grabbed the sheet from the bed and tugged half of it to cover his shame, his face going bright beet red.
James shot up. “What?! WHAT?!” Then he saw Camille and yelped, rolling off the other side of the bed, his body making a loud thunk against the floor.
“Uhh… this isn’t what it looks like,” Kendall started, looking horrified in his makeshift toga.
James’ hand crept around the bed and pulled a pair of jeans away from Kendall’s feet. Kendall thought briefly about stomping on James’ hand before it went skittering back behind Kendall’s bed.
“Oh my God,” Camille said again, growing more and more scandalized as the seconds ticked by. “Oh my fucking God. Oh my God!”
“Please stop saying that,” Kendall said, a little breathless at the ridiculousness of the situation.
“Better yet, stop yelling it loud enough to bring on the fucking fire brigade,” James added, finally popping up from the floor, buttoning the fly of his jeans.
“When did-what…? How? You guys are doing it?”
Kendall felt the blood run out of his face. Things were not going according to plan.
“Uhh-kind of.” James spoke slowly. “But please don’t tell anyone!”
“When did this start?!”
“Last night?”
“Oh my G-“
“Don’t say it!” James and Kendall said in unison.
Camille clamped her mouth shut. Kendall let out a pathetic little whimper, scanning the floor for his pants, which apparently disintegrated overnight, because they sure as hell weren’t anywhere around.
“My dad can’t know, Camille. He can’t know anything. He’ll make me leave.”
“When did this start? You guys just decided to… I don’t know… do it last night?”
“No!”
“I’ve got to tell Logan-“
“No you don’t. You don’t have to do anything like that,” Kendall argued, running after her, but tripping over the sheet piled at his feet and face planting the floor.
“Please, Camille, you can’t tell anyone!” James begged, jumping over Kendall with ease and grasping her by the arms. “I love him and I don’t want to leave him.”
Kendall didn’t move from the floor, his heart stopping for just a moment.
“Wh-what?” Camille was breathless. “You guys are in love?”
James looked to be close to tears suddenly, nodding.
“Oh… oh my Goddddd,” Camille whimpered, suddenly overcome with emotion, throwing herself at James. “I’m so happy for youuuu!” Then, after a beat, her mood shifted. “Wait, though. When did you break up with Mercedes?”
Silence. Kendall briefly thought his face was better suited for the floor.
James, meanwhile, looked like he either wanted to jump out the window or puke all over Camille’s slipper-clad feet. Camille read his expression, her eyes widening and her face contorting into a look of complete disapproval.
“James!”
“It’s not-she’s just-“
“Don’t she’s just me, James,” Camille argued. “She may not be the nicest girl on the planet, but she doesn’t deserve for you to string her along while you’re falling into his bed.” Camille pointed sharply at Kendall. He felt like it actually stabbed him for a moment.
“Camille-“
“You’re cheating on her, James!”
James looked scalded. He actually flinched.
Camille sighed. “James…” she paused. “Kendall, get off the damn floor.”
Kendall held the sheet around his waist, finally getting to his feet, albeit a bit awkwardly.
“James,” Camille continued. “I’m happy for you guys. Really. I love to see people in love more than anything. I mean, come on. The main pursuit of anything in theatre is love! It makes the world go round and whatnot. Makes people jump into solos and dance numbers and everything. But. You are in a relationship with someone else. It’s wrong for you to break her trust and commitment. You need to break up with her.”
James frowned, looking ashamed. “But… I can’t.”
Kendall chewed on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to hear that statement either, even though he knew it was true. James’ dad had threatened him not to see Kendall anymore, and didn’t even seem to consider him a son unless James was with Mercedes. At the same time, Kendall had thought he’d gotten through to James. He thought James was going to stand his ground with his dad.
He guessed James wasn’t ready to do that. No matter how much he loved James, he couldn’t make his choices from him. And no matter how badly his dad treated him, he was still his dad. Through and through. Regardless, he was disappointed. He felt it plunge, deep into his chest, yanking him down from the mountaintop made up of new love and fresh sex, back into reality.
And even worse? He was concerned for Mercedes’ feelings.
Stupid conscience.
“James… she’s right. You either… have to… you know. Break up with her, or break it off with me. You can’t play her.”
James whirled on Kendall. “But you said you-loved me. We love each other.”
Kendall swallowed. “I know. I do love you, okay? But I can’t just, you know, stand by and let you break someone’s heart just because of that.”
“But it’s the only way we can be together…”
“Then…”
James grabbed his shirt from the bedpost and tugged it on, his jaw tight, eyes bright with fury.
“James-“ Kendall started, but he was already out the door.
“He’s throwing a tantrum,” Camille said.
“I would too if I never got what I wanted,” Kendall grumbled, still searching for his jeans, because, hey, he couldn’t exactly go after James with a sheet tied around his waist.
“For God’s sake, Kendall, they’re right here.” Camille yanked the crumpled denim from the floor, shoved between the footboard and the trunk.
Kendall took them, still feeling like he was being weighed into the floor. His eyes were starting to hurt, pressure building behind them that he tried to hide. But fuck, he was so disappointed. He didn’t want to do the right thing. He wanted to be with James every second of every day and he was well aware that he could have lost him forever. Even after he’d confessed that he loved him. He loved him. It sucked.
Growing up, he’d heard fairy tales, watched Disney movies, and seen that love conquered all. That was why everyone chased after it with such fervor, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to stand there and admit that sometimes love wasn’t enough. Because he knew that James of all people was tired of being told he wasn’t enough. He wanted to fight for James, but he knew that James wouldn’t actually be on his side. Not in the war against his father. He’d always pick his dad. It wasn’t fucking fair.
And why did James have to end up with such an asshole of a dad while Kendall didn’t get to keep his, when he was so awesome?
“Honey… honey, come here.” Camille opened her arms and pulled Kendall into her shoulder. He threw an arm around her and stood there silently.
He had no idea what to do.
…
James could throw one hell of a tantrum. Kendall remembered that from his little “suggestions” to join the higher dance class - which felt like centuries ago, but were still memorable enough to stand stark in his mind. He went through the motions of class, but he made sure to bump his elbow or his foot or his knee violently into Kendall as many times as possible.
Kendall took the abuse. James could be mad all he wanted. The ball was in his court. It wasn’t like Kendall was okay in the first place. The physical pain didn’t compare at all to the deep longing in his chest he felt every time he saw James. After seeing every inch of his skin, after worshiping it, he knew he’d never get that image, that feeling out of his head. And love was insane. It made his stomach flutter around the boy, even when James was being particularly obnoxious and cruel. It made him doodle little J’s in the margins of his notebooks. It made him dream, day and night, the phantom touch of James’ hand steadily on him, a ghostly graze across his hand, a constant, painful squeeze on his heart.
And when James actually touched him, even with a relatively rough shove and a glare included, Kendall’s skin lit up like fire, and it was everything he could do to not tackle James and kiss away all the hurt he’d caused.
That was the worst part. There was so much hurt in James’ eyes, so much confusion. Like he had expected Kendall’s love confession was going to make everything okay again and he wouldn’t have to worry. Kendall knew that James knew life was never that simple. It just wasn’t. He definitely wished it was.
Mr. X was not having any of their shit that day, however. “Diamond, Knight,” he addressed. The entire class’ eyes were on them, and Kendall swallowed, a bit nervous. “If you two have some little… tiff with each other, I recommend you exterminate it immediately. I will not have this horrible dancing in my class, no exceptions.”
“Yes sir.” They spoke in unison and tried not to perk to the sounds of their own voices mixing together in harmony.
After class, the two of them remained, standing there, staring at each other like they were waiting for the planet to implode or something.
“…Didn’t see you for the rest of Thanksgiving break.”
“Did you expect to?” James spat, looking more and more heartbroken the more he looked at Kendall.
Kendall bowed his head. “What are… what are you gonna do? Stop dancing? Stop associating with me? Just like daddy says?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “You don’t get it. You don’t get it. I have to do this.”
“No. No you don’t!” Kendall argued back, moving across the space, a sudden flash of anger in his step. “You’ve convinced yourself that you have to so you don’t have to make any decisions.”
“What?!”
Kendall’s mouth started to run, his disappointment and frustration with James spilling out, and he couldn’t stop; wouldn’t stop. “You’d rather think that all this shit is totally inevitable, some stupid play of fate, before you even think about doing anything about it. Wouldn’t you?!”
James went red in the face, his eyes bright amber under the lights, fists clenched and ready. “No.” His voice was low, a warning of what was to come, the calm before the storm.
“Yes,” Kendall retorted, his heart hurting. “You do all these things because daddy says. And yet the reason you got here in the first place is because you were actually doing what you wanted! What the fuck changed James?!”
“He came back!” James yelped. “He came back to me, and he expected me to be… I don’t know. Out of this phase or something.”
“It’s not a phase, James!” Kendall grabbed James by the arms, and James looked like he was being burned. “You love me. Look me in the eyes and tell me it isn’t true. That’s not a fucking phase, James.”
“What do you want me to do, Kendall? Fight you?”
“No!” Kendall’s voice cracked. “I want you to fight for something. For once in your fucking life, put up your fists and do something!” He squeezed James’ arms, pressing indentations into his skin. “I know you’ve worked hard at what you do. You talk about having all this ambition and drive and how people don’t get you, but then you go and sit, waiting for everything to fall into your lap! Sacrifices have to be made, James. It sucks, but it’s true.”
James’ eyes were glassy. “Kendall-“
“You can walk out on me a million times, James,” Kendall breathed. “I’ll be right here waiting. But if you walk out on your dream; on all of this? I will never forgive you.”
“You have no idea-“
“What you’re going through?” Kendall finished. “Trust me, I’d give up a lot of things to be with my dad again, but I sure as hell wouldn’t if I was in your shoes.”
James shoved Kendall away. After a second, he grabbed Kendall by the fabric of his hoodie and shoved him into the wall, the barre digging into his spine. Kendall waited for the pummeling. He’d said what he’d wanted to say. When James kissed him, it was molten fire and nuclear explosions in his head. He was still angry. He could feel it in the way James’ hands dug into his skin, the sharp clack of his teeth against Kendall’s unexpecting mouth. He could feel the long line of a bruise spreading across his back as James rammed him against it again and again, pulling Kendall’s legs around him and sucking the oxygen from his lungs like some deranged spirit. Kendall moaned down James’ throat, pulling him in closer, closer, even if he knew it was wrong. His entire body screamed for James, and he wasn’t about to let go.
James scrambled for purchase on Kendall’s sides, his hips canting upward. Kendall felt everything through the thin line of his sweats. He gasped against James’ mouth, and his head fell back against the mirror, feeling like there was a fire pit in his stomach. There was nothing gentle about James’ touch. It was pure, solid, anger. And there was something oddly exciting about it.
James yanked Kendall’s sweats down, pushing a finger inside him without one word of warning. A hiss of pain flew through him, his back arching violently. Finger two equaled more pain. But James didn’t let up for a second. He stretched Kendall quickly without one ounce of care. It was all fury. And then Kendall was dropped to the floor and whipped around, the barre digging into his chest as he gripped it in his palms. James spit on his hand and returned it to Kendall’s bottom, but only for a minute. Kendall knew he wasn’t lubed up enough for James. He wasn’t. And when James shoved inside him, he felt like he was being torn in half. He let out a silent scream, spots playing before his eyes as he stared himself down in the mirror, James’ head bowed behind him, his hair masking him from view.
“J-“ Kendall tried to word, but god, everything hurt. With every movement, Kendall felt like he was coming apart. He kept looking at James behind him, catching little glimpses of him, a flash of gritted teeth, golden demon eyes.
And then something bloomed out, mixing with the horrifying pain in his body, the slight burn of pleasure in his gut. The rhythm was fast and rough. Kendall felt his entire body tightening, his heart pounding, silent shouts stuck in his throat. When he came, it was sudden and unexpected, a flash of white in his eyes, his entire body shuddering against the bar as James filled him. He stumbled backwards, slumping against James, his entire body aching. He felt sick and dizzy. There was still pain radiating inside him, his vision swimming. After a moment, James pulled out and Kendall fell forward against the bar again, biting back the agony and the embarrassment of the mess he’d made on the inside of his sweats. He was lucky he had another pair in his locker. But getting to it would be quite an adventure.
He caught a glimpse of James in the mirror through the haze. He looked mortified and ashamed. And then he was gone, running like he had every other time. Kendall wanted to cry.
…
It took Kendall far longer to get home than usual. Every step he took was a bolt of pain up his back. When he finally did get back to the house, the stairs looked like Mt. Everest. But he made his way up, half crawling when he was certain he was alone. When he was able to climb into a hot bath, he sunk all the way up to his chin and closed his eyes. The pain ebbed away slightly, but he still felt like someone had ripped his insides out. He was exhausted. He wished he had a little weed to calm him down. His muscles were still tense and sore from gripping the bar and fighting against the pain. He leaned back against the tub and tried not to think about.
He wasn’t doing a very good job at following Camille’s advice. James had cheated on Mercedes again. Kendall sunk under the water completely until his head got hot and his air ran out. He spent the next hour soaking until the water went cold. Then he climbed out, a little better, and went to bed, burying himself under the covers for a blackout sleep.
He woke to his phone buzzing. He groaned, curling into himself before finally grabbing the offensive object and pressing it to his ear.
“Hello?” He asked, and his voice was low and gruff and full of sleep.
“Dude.”
Kendall blinked. “Wh-Joseph?”
“Dude, go outside.”
Outside was a long way away. But Kendall shucked on some pants and slowly made his way down the stairs, to the front door, and then-
“Holy shit.”
Joseph was leaning against his car, smiling from the driveway.
“Surprise!”