Umm... oops?

[gotefrisk]

I think, I'm pretty sure, that I'm very unhappy with my life right now. I don't feel depressed. There is just nothing satisfying about my current situation. I have hope for a better life, but I'm afraid to grasp for it. I know I have a bright future ahead of me, but it's... well, ahead of me. I feel like I'm a senior in high school again, except I was supposed to love this. I'm kind of tired of it-- and just like senior year, I feel this latent knowledge that I'm not actually capable of being here and doing the jobs that I'm assigned bubbling up. I loved living at Bodhi when my job was clear-cut, when I wasn't in over my head, when I had a competent boss-- or two competent bosses, even. I used to love this. And, honestly, sometimes I still do love this. I love this job when there are people here to tell me what to do, when every day doesn't feel like I'm frantically trying to keep my head above water. I don't know how, but none of this really gets any easier. I often have the feeling that every day is the most difficult day of my life. Quite possibly, for the first time in memory, I'm not depressed, and that's what I'm feeling-- I have aspirations, and I just want to run at them, but I'm not supposed to... what kind of sick joke is this? I spent my whole life as a future-less, past-dwelling figment, and now I'm doing better, I'm here, and I'm forward-looking... but I can't get there.

I really enjoyed my time at Rinzai-ji, I kind of got to live a little. And I really enjoyed my time at Mt. Baldy, I really got to just practice. But now I'm back, and I have to clean up 3 months of neglect, and I know that both of my "parents" are away... and that one of them won't be back. I just want to fall limp in my mother's arms, but she's not here right now, so I have to keep trying to to walk- and carry others. It just doesn't seem... right.

I'm 18, okay?