I know I left off so long ago!!!
Ok, when last posted here, I left off telling about my events and ended with January 3rd. I will start from there... but I have to apoligize for not posting since. Too much going on I think plus the not wanting to be on a computer.
January 3rd, this was the day that Elliott, Ryan and I went to Indy to get final results for Ryan's HIV test to be sure if he is positive or negative. Of course he was positive, we were not surprised. The surprise came before hand. Ryan asked that I meet at his house at 2p apointment was at like 430 or 5 that day in Indy. So I got there right on time as usual. Calling Elliott on my way to find he was still in Fort Wayne just getting out of work at 2 when he was supposed to be meeting us at the same timea s I was to be there. So I told Ryan, and we sat waiting for Elliott to let us know when he was on the expressway on his way down. We sat and talked for an hour... mostly about nothingness then our convo turned to serious. Ryan came right out and asked me if there way any chance for us to get back together. He missed me, he knew he had made a mistake, understood if I said no not in a million years. He couldn't see a future with Elliott especially with the current cercumstances with HIV. I told him maybe but there would have to be a lot of talking prior and a lot of changes. Then we had to leave and meet Elliott on the way as he was putting us later and later. We got there and it was all confirmed. We all came home and I went to work.
That week everyday I got calls from Ryan telling me he wanted to be with me but didn't know what to do about Elliott, finally about the 5th he called me and said he couldnt get up to Muncie to do it in person but told Elliott over the phone it was over. He ended up coming up and staying with me for a couple days and then met in person on the 7th with Elliott, ended things in person and got anything he had from Elliotts place. Elliott was okay with it being over as he didn't really see anything there any longer as well. Well I worked on the 7th at my cleaning job and also had two friends come back into town to stay with me over night until dorms openned back up from holiday break on Sunday. On my way home I returned a call to my dad as he had tried to call when I was at work and couldn't answer. We talked for about 15 minutes and then he had to let me go as he and my mom were actually being civil and going to have dinner together but overall the convo was a good one. So there the four of us were sitting watching a movie. Then my cell rang and I saw it was my dad, so thinking something might be wrong I answered it and excused myself from the living room. My dad of course I could tell was drunk, and he just started verbally attacking me asking why I was playing games with him, why I was lieing to him. I stopped him and said what are you talking about what do you mean dad. I at this point walked up the stairs and no less got to the top and he said he didn't wnat to talk to me if I couldn't be honest with him. I again asked him what he was talking about. He proceeded to say "You know I blame you for me and your mother splitting up." Mind you they divorced two years ago, I have been on my own out of there house for 9 years, and in Indiana for 7 of those 9 years. All I could say to him is fine dad if that is how you want to be then maybe we should talk, he said fine and I hung up the phone on him. We haven't talked since.
Later the next week my mom called and I asked what she had told him that night. She said he was asking a lot of questions about me and she just told him that what I tell her is btw her and I, but that I would tell him what I feel nessarry to tell him I guess or something along that line. So i have no clue even today what really happened. But I did tell my mom what he said and did and she got pissed off... she ended up telling my brother I have since found out and he has been distant from my dad now too I guess. Oh well... I guess when the drinking takes over the rest just slips away.
I did have to drop out of school for this semester, found out when I got my financial aid check and it wasn't what I was scheduled to get, so I called. They informed me that my funding got pulled due to my old student loan company showing me as in default. I don't really know why still but they didn't get all the paperwork I had sent them to get it forebared and so last summer they defaulted me and federal loan program won't allow new loans as long as you have a default standing. So my grants and loans go pulled. So right now I am just working my two jobs and that is it.
Ryan has moved in with me. He is working parttime/fulltime hours at a gas station to be able to help with our expenses, he is doing fine health wise. Not at a point right now that he needs to be on meds at all so that is good. We are trying to get ourselves on a budget and stick with it so we can live a little more comfortablly instead of pay check to paycheck and I think we are on track now to get that done. Thank god!!!
RENT yeah for those of you that have seen it, when we watched it, a whole new line of fears came to me, and I have to share with you all as I shared with Ryan. I cryed in the theater because it was sad that Angel died. Then it hit me, that isn't why I cry for that movie. I cry because I fear that I will be Collins, that I will be the one holding Ryan when he dies in my arms in the hospital, that I will be the one struggling to give him a funeral and burying the one I love. Not meaning to make him feel bad, or cry but it did a little. So, I threw it out there... I told him he better not go before me... he better live longer then I do. Getting back with Ryan I knew the risks, I knew that there could be the chance, the possibility that he may die of AIDS, I just pray that that never happens. But I do have to put this out there... our friend Chris... the dear guy he is... I told him of this after I expressed my fears to Ryan... Chris flat out told me no matter who goes first, I want you both to know, I will be at the others side to see them through it and walk down the new road that opens up. I never knew there could be friends out there so good and so true... and we have two. Chris And Georgette!!! Love you both, I know you can read this so I want you both to know that. If I didn't have you two in my life, I would not be here to type this today.
I think that pretty much sums up my life since the last post, I won't say I will keep this up, cause we know where that goes, but I will do my best.
Later Dayz
January 3rd, this was the day that Elliott, Ryan and I went to Indy to get final results for Ryan's HIV test to be sure if he is positive or negative. Of course he was positive, we were not surprised. The surprise came before hand. Ryan asked that I meet at his house at 2p apointment was at like 430 or 5 that day in Indy. So I got there right on time as usual. Calling Elliott on my way to find he was still in Fort Wayne just getting out of work at 2 when he was supposed to be meeting us at the same timea s I was to be there. So I told Ryan, and we sat waiting for Elliott to let us know when he was on the expressway on his way down. We sat and talked for an hour... mostly about nothingness then our convo turned to serious. Ryan came right out and asked me if there way any chance for us to get back together. He missed me, he knew he had made a mistake, understood if I said no not in a million years. He couldn't see a future with Elliott especially with the current cercumstances with HIV. I told him maybe but there would have to be a lot of talking prior and a lot of changes. Then we had to leave and meet Elliott on the way as he was putting us later and later. We got there and it was all confirmed. We all came home and I went to work.
That week everyday I got calls from Ryan telling me he wanted to be with me but didn't know what to do about Elliott, finally about the 5th he called me and said he couldnt get up to Muncie to do it in person but told Elliott over the phone it was over. He ended up coming up and staying with me for a couple days and then met in person on the 7th with Elliott, ended things in person and got anything he had from Elliotts place. Elliott was okay with it being over as he didn't really see anything there any longer as well. Well I worked on the 7th at my cleaning job and also had two friends come back into town to stay with me over night until dorms openned back up from holiday break on Sunday. On my way home I returned a call to my dad as he had tried to call when I was at work and couldn't answer. We talked for about 15 minutes and then he had to let me go as he and my mom were actually being civil and going to have dinner together but overall the convo was a good one. So there the four of us were sitting watching a movie. Then my cell rang and I saw it was my dad, so thinking something might be wrong I answered it and excused myself from the living room. My dad of course I could tell was drunk, and he just started verbally attacking me asking why I was playing games with him, why I was lieing to him. I stopped him and said what are you talking about what do you mean dad. I at this point walked up the stairs and no less got to the top and he said he didn't wnat to talk to me if I couldn't be honest with him. I again asked him what he was talking about. He proceeded to say "You know I blame you for me and your mother splitting up." Mind you they divorced two years ago, I have been on my own out of there house for 9 years, and in Indiana for 7 of those 9 years. All I could say to him is fine dad if that is how you want to be then maybe we should talk, he said fine and I hung up the phone on him. We haven't talked since.
Later the next week my mom called and I asked what she had told him that night. She said he was asking a lot of questions about me and she just told him that what I tell her is btw her and I, but that I would tell him what I feel nessarry to tell him I guess or something along that line. So i have no clue even today what really happened. But I did tell my mom what he said and did and she got pissed off... she ended up telling my brother I have since found out and he has been distant from my dad now too I guess. Oh well... I guess when the drinking takes over the rest just slips away.
I did have to drop out of school for this semester, found out when I got my financial aid check and it wasn't what I was scheduled to get, so I called. They informed me that my funding got pulled due to my old student loan company showing me as in default. I don't really know why still but they didn't get all the paperwork I had sent them to get it forebared and so last summer they defaulted me and federal loan program won't allow new loans as long as you have a default standing. So my grants and loans go pulled. So right now I am just working my two jobs and that is it.
Ryan has moved in with me. He is working parttime/fulltime hours at a gas station to be able to help with our expenses, he is doing fine health wise. Not at a point right now that he needs to be on meds at all so that is good. We are trying to get ourselves on a budget and stick with it so we can live a little more comfortablly instead of pay check to paycheck and I think we are on track now to get that done. Thank god!!!
RENT yeah for those of you that have seen it, when we watched it, a whole new line of fears came to me, and I have to share with you all as I shared with Ryan. I cryed in the theater because it was sad that Angel died. Then it hit me, that isn't why I cry for that movie. I cry because I fear that I will be Collins, that I will be the one holding Ryan when he dies in my arms in the hospital, that I will be the one struggling to give him a funeral and burying the one I love. Not meaning to make him feel bad, or cry but it did a little. So, I threw it out there... I told him he better not go before me... he better live longer then I do. Getting back with Ryan I knew the risks, I knew that there could be the chance, the possibility that he may die of AIDS, I just pray that that never happens. But I do have to put this out there... our friend Chris... the dear guy he is... I told him of this after I expressed my fears to Ryan... Chris flat out told me no matter who goes first, I want you both to know, I will be at the others side to see them through it and walk down the new road that opens up. I never knew there could be friends out there so good and so true... and we have two. Chris And Georgette!!! Love you both, I know you can read this so I want you both to know that. If I didn't have you two in my life, I would not be here to type this today.
I think that pretty much sums up my life since the last post, I won't say I will keep this up, cause we know where that goes, but I will do my best.
Later Dayz