incrementally
title: incrementally
pairing: jb/mark
rating: pg
summary: wherever and whenever, jaebum will always take the road that leads to mark.
5.
The first time Jaebum meets Mark, they are five and Mark is fresh off the boat from Taiwan, unable to speak a word of Korean. They have nothing in common except the fact that their fathers are friends, and Jaebum's father makes him promise to look after Mark in Korea from now on.
Jaebum nods obediently but casts an impatient look at Mark. He has no time to babysit a small, boring-looking boy who he can't even communicate with and is too shy to even meet Jaebum's eyes as he mumbles excruciatingly awkwardly in broken Korean, "Nice to meet you. I'm Yi-en."
7.
By the time they have turned seven, Mark's Korean has improved by leaps and bounds thanks to the immersive environment, but it is still heavily accented and halting. Out of all their classmates in elementary school, only Jaebum has the patience to decipher it.
"Zaifan!" Jaebum hears from outside his window, and stumbles off his bed groggily to see Mark standing in his navy sailor uniform on the road outside his house, waving and smiling hugely. "Wake up! We're late for school."
Along with his improving Korean, Mark's confidence has also increased imperceptibly but gradually. Jaebum learns that Mark takes a long time to warm up to a new person, but when he does, he does completely. And even at the tender age of seven, Jaebum realizes that being wholly accepted into Mark's quirky, eccentric world is one of the greatest pleasures life will ever give him.
9.
When footsteps creak up the staircase, Mark immediately hauls open Jaebum's closet door and throws himself inside, hissing urgently, "Don't tell her I'm here!"
He barely has the time to shut the door with a bang that makes Jaebum wince before the doorknob of Jaebum's bedroom is turning. Mark's mother walks in with her hands on her hips. "Sorry to bother you, Jaebummie. Have you seen Mark?"
"N-no, auntie!" Jaebum squeaks unconvincingly.
Mark's mother narrows her eyes but doesn't push the matter. When she eventually leaves the room and her footsteps creak down the stairs, Jaebum heaves a heavy sigh of relief and pulls open the closet door. Mark is crouching at the bottom with his knees folded to his chest, looking like he's hyperventilating.
Jaebum helps him out, worried. "Are you okay?"
"I couldn't breathe," Mark gasps, but he's grinning, an impish, infectious grin that creeps unwillingly onto Jaebum's face too. "Thanks, Zaifan. You're the best," Mark gushes, flopping down onto the floor again to continue their video game.
11.
Two days before his eleventh birthday, Mark botches a flip on his skateboard and fractures his ankle. Thankfully, the doctor says there's no lasting damage to the ligament, but Mark is ordered a month of bed rest till his ankle heals.
Jaebum rushes home every day after school, his bag heavy with both his and Mark's notes. They do their homework together, and Jaebum grudgingly allows Mark to copy off him for once since he's a patient. Mark is delighted and declares that it was worth the sprain.
They spend their afternoons in Mark's cluttered bedroom as Jaebum clumsily spoons porridge into his mouth, and Mark's mother allows them to play all the video games they want because she feels so sorry for Mark.
And so Mark's birthday is spent on a day like that. They don't go to the amusement park or organize a party as Mark's parents had originally planned, but ten years later Mark will tell Jaebum that his eleventh remains his most memorable birthday so far.
13.
"GO, ZAIFAN!" Jaebum hears a newly deepening but familiar voice hollering as he sprints across the soccer field during the Junior League tournament, his cleats kicking up dirt and mud, and smiles achingly. Youngjae steals the ball from the other team, and passes it to Jaebum in a swift roundabout tackle. Jaebum catches it neatly and sends it sailing with an expertly-aimed kick towards the goalposts.
When it sinks into the net, a perfect goal, the bleachers explode in uproarious cheers and screams. But Jaebum can only hear Mark's voice, cracking as he ecstatically yells Jaebum's name over and over at a volume that Jaebum has never heard from him before and never will in future.
15.
Three months into their second year of junior high, Mark finds a frilly pink envelope on his desk when they walk into class, decorated with childish glitter stickers and careful but nervously wobbly penmanship.
He opens it curiously and they read it together at break. Dear Mark oppa, it reads in sparkly hot pink ink. I like you. Can you be my boyfriend? Love, Suzy.
Mark's wide eyes meet Jaebum's. Suzy is the prettiest girl in their class, and most of the boys have a puppy crush on her. Jaebum sees Mark's Adam's apple bob in his throat, face growing as pink as the envelope.
Mark clumsily scrawls OK on the letter, sliding it back into the envelope and dropping it subtly on Suzy's desk as they saunter past casually. After a few steps, a high-pitched squeal erupts behind them.
Mark and Suzy spend their breaks together for a week while Jaebum eats lunch sitting alone. After that, Suzy haughtily announces that she's breaking up with Mark for no apparent reason and proceeds to start dating Youngjae from Jaebum's Junior League soccer team the next day.
Mark doesn't seem all that devastated.
17.
When Jaebum's parents tell him they've invited Mark over for a sleepover party to celebrate his seventeenth birthday, Jaebum nearly chokes on his own spit.
"Why?!" he screeches in panic, and his mother stares at him, baffled.
"I thought you boys spend your birthdays together every year."
Jaebum resists the urge to mutter an expletive. If his parents weren't so damn clueless, they'd know that Jaebum hadn't seen Mark since they graduated junior high and entered different senior highs because Mark's grades weren't as good as Jaebum's. Without being schoolmates and classmates, it was far too easy to drift apart.
The doorbell rings. "Oh, they must be here," Jaebum's mother beams, bustling to open the door.
Mr and Mrs Tuan are standing with Joey in the doorway, bearing wrapped gifts for Jaebum. Jaebum's stomach flips when he spots Mark hovering awkwardly behind them, looking like he wants to be here as much as Jaebum.
They sit opposite each other at the dinner table, carefully trying not to meet each other's eyes. Mark is scarfing down his meal with his head practically buried in the plate and all Jaebum can see is a whorl of his dark hair, which has grown longer and is now styled in a way that makes his chiseled features stand out.
Jaebum was surprised by Mark's growth spurt, and he could see that Mark was surprised by his too. He stared up at Jaebum, as if thrown by the height difference that had suddenly sprouted between them. Mark has always been small but now he's slender and lanky, all sinuous limbs and gazelle-like grace.
After dinner, Mark's family goes home but not before dumping Mark in Jaebum's house and telling them to have a good time on their sleepover. Mark looks like he wishes the ground would open up and swallow him.
Jaebum trudges to his room with Mark trailing silently at his heels. The mute tension between them is something new and unfamiliar, contrasting vastly with their effortlessly flowing and rambling conversations about everything and nothing before they turned sixteen. Jaebum wishes they could've stayed as kids forever, before puberty came along to ruin everything.
Jaebum lounges stiffly on his bed as he watches Mark root in his overnight bag, frowning. Eventually, he takes a deep breath and mumbles apprehensively, "What are you looking for?"
Mark turns to look at him warily. "I forgot to bring a shirt," he says sheepishly.
Jaebum nearly laughs out loud but bites his lip. At least Mark's absentmindedness is one thing that hasn't changed. He gets up and opens his closet, fishing out one of his sweatshirts and tosses it to Mark.
"Thanks," Mark mutters gratefully, disappearing into the bathroom.
When Mark comes out of the steamy shower ten minutes later, smelling of citrus shampoo and chamomile soap, the size difference between them becomes doubly obvious. The sleeves of Jaebum's faded blue sweatshirt hang loosely over his wrists, his fingers peeking out from the cuffs as he tries to roll them up his elbows. The sweatshirt engulfs his body, making him look even skinnier than he already is. Jaebum clears his throat and looks away, gathering up his own clothes to take his turn in the shower.
When he comes out, Mark is hovering by the wall, looking lost when once Jaebum's room had been as familiar territory to him as his own. Jaebum climbs into bed and beckons him impatiently. "Come on."
"I... I can sleep on the floor," Mark says hastily, but Jaebum clicks his tongue and lifts a corner of the duvet invitingly. "Just come here."
Mark opens his mouth to protest, his brows furrowing, before closing it in resignation and obeying. Jaebum smiles with satisfaction. Mark has always been unable to say no to him.
Mark curls up into himself at the edge of the bed, not touching Jaebum, but when Jaebum wakes up the next morning, he finds Mark sleeping as soundly as a child in his arms, snoring softly. His face looks exactly like it did at ten years old in sleep. Jaebum clenches his fists and resists the urge to tuck Mark's hair behind his ear.
Mark wakes up fifteen minutes later, and proceeds to brush his teeth and go to the kitchen for breakfast. Jaebum watches him quietly, his panic building as he feels his last chance slipping away.
As Mark pauses on the threshold of his front door, Jaebum finds the courage in the nick of time. "Mark-yah," he calls, voice thick, and Mark turns around, eyes unreadably bright.
Jaebum gulps. "Even though we're in different schools... we can still be friends, right?" he stammers.
When Mark nods, breaking into a tremulous smile, Jaebum feels like his life has begun again.
19.
When they graduate from high school, Jaebum and Mark are still firm friends. They make plans to go to the same university, although Mark is pursuing a degree in Arts and Jaebum in Sciences. They try to meet up as often as they can on campus, and as different as their majors are, they still manage to find common topics of conversation, such as their childhood memories and mutual friends and families and always, always music.
Jaebum and Mark have shared the same burning passion and eclectic taste in music since they were boys. They switch iPods so often that Jaebum can no longer distinguish which is his and which is Mark's, but it doesn't really matter since most of the songs in their iTunes libraries are the same anyway. While Mark has a penchant for indie rap music, Jaebum prefers R&B, Soul and ballads. But they have taught each other how to appreciate both genres, and Jaebum sometimes idly wonders if in another life, they could've been part of a band together.
21.
"Zaifan!" Jaebum hears the familiar word in an even more familiar voice and knows even before he turns around exactly who he is. There's only one person in the world who uses that nickname.
When he turns around, Mark is loping across the courtyard towards him, sunlight splashing liquid gold over his mischievously sparkling eyes and crowded smile, and Jaebum stares.
Mark laughs his inimitable squeaky laugh as he finally reaches Jaebum's side and loops his arm easily into the crook of Jaebum's. "Whatcha looking at?" he says, deep voice rumbling with amusement.
"Nothing," Jaebum coughs and stammers. You.
23.
Jaebum gets drafted into the army soon after he graduates from university and packs his bags, heading for the barracks in Incheon. Mark doesn't have to enlist because he's not a Korean citizen, so he enters the workforce earlier.
Military service is cold, lonely and backbreaking, and at night when Jaebum drifts into a restless sleep he feels his rapidly burgeoning body heat up with urges and needs that surprise him with their intensity.
But instead of the giant-boobed pin-up girls his bunkmates have tacked posters of to the ceiling, what flashes into Jaebum's head as he tugs himself off to sloppy, muffled orgasm beneath the blanket is Mark in his bedroom on his seventeenth birthday, looking fragile and rumpled as Jaebum's sweatshirt swallowed him.
25.
Mark is waiting outside the gates of the camp on the day Jaebum is discharged from service, looking older and more mature but somehow exactly the same. His eyes are still as gentle as Jaebum remembered as he smiles brilliantly, waving. Even more.
Mark updates him on their families and friends as he drives Jaebum home in his new car. He has gotten a job as a stunt choreographer-cum-instructor at a martial arts studio, unsurprisingly for the athletic talent he has always displayed.
"Oh, and..." Mark mentions casually as he pulls up outside Jaebum's house, smiling so widely his eyes crinkle. "I'm seeing somebody."
27.
"Does it bother you that I'm... gay?" Mark asks offhandedly one afternoon when they are waiting at a bistro for Jackson, who is running late. His tone is carefully casual in a way that makes it immediately transparent to Jaebum that he has been thinking of how to broach this question for years. He had always been able to read Mark like a book.
Jaebum hesitates, and is startled when he looks up to see Mark's heart in his eyes.
"Of course not!" he quickly reassures, but Mark doesn't look convinced. He remains slightly green around the gills as Jackson rushes into the bistro with a bright clanging of the door chimes and crashes down at the table, making his usual flamboyant entrances.
"Sorry I'm late," he flashes an irresistible grin. "What were you guys talking about?"
Mark's face lights up like a Christmas tree the moment he sees Jackson. In the two decades that he's known Mark, Jaebum has never seen Mark as animated as Jackson makes him. When Mark had first introduced Jaebum to Jackson two years ago, their first meeting hadn't exactly gone well. Jaebum had been testy and suspicious, skeptical about Jackson's seemingly flighty and flippant character.
But two years later, Mark and Jackson are still happily together, and Jaebum has to admit that maybe this is the real thing for Mark. He knows he should be happy for his best friend. But Jaebum can't help the chilling premonition that Jackson is going to hurt Mark irreparably one day, that Jaebum will not be able to pick up the pieces.
But he has no right to interfere when Jackson makes Mark so blissfully happy. After all, Jaebum is only Mark's best friend.
"Zaifan!" Mark is waving a hand in front of his face, laughing in exasperation. "Hello? Anyone in?"
Jaebum abruptly snaps out of his reverie to see Jackson eyeing him with a sharp look he has been seeing more often lately, and he doesn't miss the way Jackson's hand closes proprietarily over Mark's on the table, keeping his stony eyes on Jaebum as he leans in to whisper in Mark's ear, "Yi-en, baby..." followed by some indecipherable Mandarin.
Jaebum flushes and tears his eyes away, but he can still feel Jackson's knowing gaze on him, seeming to effortlessly see through all of Jaebum's deepest secrets.
29.
Caving to his parents' increasing admonishments to get married and give them a grandchild, Jaebum proposes to his current and third girlfriend a year before he turns thirty. Jinyoung is a classy, demure, humorous and intelligent woman. Not to mention gorgeous. Jaebum can find no faults with her. In a rare display of unity, both his parents and friends approve of her. Even Mark had declared with admiration that she was a "cool chick", and Mark never gave out compliments loosely.
All these makes Jaebum even more sure that she is The One. Jinyoung has a heart of gold and natural motherly instincts. He knows without a doubt that she is going to make a wonderful mother to his children. Most importantly, Jinyoung is head over heels in love with him.
Jaebum had no idea what he did to deserve the adoration of such an amazing woman, but he knows he shouldn't let her pass him by. He's lucky, Jaebum thinks, incredibly lucky as he watches Jinyoung float tearily down the aisle towards him in her ivory veil and gown of Chantilly lace. But for some reason what he's looking at when he thinks that thought is Mark standing beside him in his best man's suit, his smile pristine as the day they met at five and his eyes filled with nothing but unconditional blessings and love and happiness for Jaebum.
When Jaebum closes his eyes, he can imagine for the briefest moment that Jinyoung doesn't exist and it's only him and Mark standing before the priest, side by side. Just the most fleeting, ephemeral moment, before the illusion shatters and he opens his eyes back to reality.
31.
Jinyoung organizes a birthday party for Yugyeom when he turns one, and they invite Mark, Jackson, and the adorable little boy they have newly adopted from Thailand, Bambam.
As the four of them sit across the dinner table and converse over a refined meal served on Jinyoung's antique ceramic dishes and silverware, Jaebum catches sight of Mark and can hardly believe that they're parents now. Fathers. He still feels like the snivelling five-year-old kid meeting Mark for the first time, especially when Mark murmurs across the table, candlelight flickering over his lopsided smile, "Can you believe this, Zaifan? We have children. Children." Mark shakes his head, looking dazed.
His Korean is almost as fluent as a native speaker's now, having lived in Seoul for almost three decades. Jackson's is remarkably smooth as well. Jaebum wonders about the trajectories of fate that has led the four of them to cross paths -- two Koreans and two Chinese, but Jaebum feels more affinity for Mark than anyone at this table.
An infant's gleeful chortle jolts him out from his musings, and Jaebum looks over to the living room to see Yugyeom and Bambam crawling together on the floor, giggling and babbling in their own little game. He loves these two children with all of his heart, as fiercely as he loves Jinyoung and Mark and even Jackson, who Jaebum has accepted as a dear friend on account of Mark. The six of them -- they're family. And as he looks at Mark, Jinyoung and Jackson's faces in the glow of the candlelight, he knows in his gut that they will protect this little, unbearably precious family unit alongside him, just as lovingly.
33.
As Yugyeom and Bambam grow up rapidly from babies to toddlers, they become as inseparable friends as their parents. Watching the two baby boys, Jaebum is reminded of him and Mark when they were young -- joined at the hip, knowing each other like the back of their own hand.
He is contented that he has been able to preserve his friendship with Mark, even after marriage, that he is still constantly able to meet up with Mark (even if Jackson is usually present too), as often as twice a week. Mark's presence in Jaebum's life has always been something like a stabiliser, a mainstay, and Jaebum can't imagine how lost he would feel without him.
Jinyoung is as loyal and dutiful a wife as Jaebum could wish for. He has nothing to complain about. However you look at it, his life is perfect. He has a comfortably-paying job, a pretty and kind-hearted wife, a beautiful three-year old son. Jaebum has no reason to feel that anything is lacking.
35.
It's an otherwise uneventful evening when Jaebum is startled to find himself alone with Mark. It seems like years since the last time they've managed to have a private conversation, just between the two of them, without Jinyoung and Jackson hovering on the edges and listening in.
But today, they are waiting at a candlelit table in a new Italian restaurant Jinyoung wants to try out. Because her office is closer in distance to the fencing studio downtown where Jackson is an instructor, he usually picks her up after work when the four of them meet for a meal.
They were pleasantly surprised by how well Jinyoung and Jackson ended up getting along, after the initial awkwardness. On the outside, they didn't seem to have compatible personalities, but they matched each other strangely well and often squabbled about trivia to Mark and Jaebum's amusement.
Mark checks his watch, seeming impatient to see Jackson, and Jaebum feels an odd pang. Does Mark mind spending time with him alone that much? Mark sips his wine as the silence lengthens, but Jaebum finds it more comfortable than stilted. He has known Mark for thirty years now, and sometimes it feels like a lifetime.
Others, it feels like a heartbeat.
37.
"We're not working out, are we."
When Jinyoung says these words, Jaebum thinks he's dreaming. He frowns in incomprehension as he stares at her, puzzled about what she's talking about. Jinyoung just smiles tiredly, tiny creases fanning out at the corners of her eyes, which meet his honestly and unresentfully.
"I've held on so long because of Yugyeom. But I think he's old enough now."
"Old enough for what?" Jaebum repeats, and Jinyoung's smile is bittersweet.
"Jaebum-ah," she says gently, placing her hand on top of his. "Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me Yugyeom, and these seven years of happiness. But Jaebum-ah, am I really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
Jaebum opens his mouth to reflexively answer Of course, but Jinyoung places a soft finger on his lips.
"Think carefully," she says, and her voice is wise and understanding.
39.
Jaebum weaves through the mass of bodies and smoke at the bar, finally locating Mark's familiar profile sitting on a barstool in the corner of the room and drowning his sorrows in alcohol.
Jaebum quickly approaches, placing a concerned hand on his shoulder. "Mark-yah, what's wrong?" he says gently, trying to hide his worry.
Mark raises his head, and his eyes are ravaged and dull when they meet Jaebum's. "Jackson left," he mutters, the sentence trailing off in a sob.
Jaebum's heart clenches. "What?" he says, feeling his blood boiling in his veins and his hands curling into fists. "How dare he, that fucker --"
He pivots on his heel, shaking with anger, but Mark's light touch on his shoulder stops him, stills him effortlessly.
"He said..." Mark's voice is husky, and he clears his throat, eyes glassy and pitch dark. "He said I was in love with you. Can you believe that?"
"... W-what?" Jaebum breathes, the bottom falling out of his world. Mark's eyes burn steadily, inscrutably into his.
"Why did Jinyoung divorce you?" he murmurs almost inaudibly.
Jaebum swallows over the lump in his throat, feeling his pulse pounding in his ears. "She said I was in love with you."
41.
The next time they meet is at Jackson and Jinyoung's wedding. After that fateful night at the bar two years ago, Jaebum had not contacted Mark and neither had Mark contacted him. They were both too fucked up, too cowardly, not brave enough to face the fallout of the questions that had been raised that night, the gauntlets that had been thrown. It had been easier to run away, to try to forget Mark, Mark Tuan who Jaebum had known his whole life and had apparently always loved without realizing.
But no matter how far he ran, Jaebum couldn't hide. He couldn't hide from the memories that haunted him daily, that were as much a part of him as his own lungs and heart and internal organs. Mark was a part of Jaebum that he couldn't just cut off with a neat incision.
Jaebum is laughing and playfully herding Yugyeom and Bambam, who are eleven years old and the most exhausting boys in the universe into the church to prepare for their duty as flower boys when he stops in his tracks.
It's an understatement to say that Mark knocks the breath out of Jaebum when he sees him. Mark is clad in a dapper, sharp navy suit, his broad shoulders filling out the sleeves, his hair youthfully tousled and belying the elegant sprinkling of ash grey at his temples. Jaebum had forgotten how breathtakingly handsome, how achingly familiar Mark was.
Everyone says Jinyoung and Jackson are the happiest couple they've ever seen, but Jaebum barely notices them because he can't take his eyes off Mark; Mark standing in a corner of the banquet hall looking like he wants to fade into the wallpaper, Mark thoughtfully sipping a glass of champagne, tapered fingers clasped gracefully around the stem, Mark just standing there, doing nothing but looking so captivatingly, devastatingly flawless just being himself.
Mark's eyes widen when he sees Jaebum, the emotions flickering across them raw and exposed -- happiness, regret, an overwhelmingly fierce missing. Unconditional, unspoken understanding. He takes a hesitant step closer, as if he's afraid Jaebum is a hallucination who will vanish at a touch.
"Zaifan?" Mark says shakily, fighting back tears.
"Yi-en," Jaebum replies quietly, steadily, and steps forward to gather Mark unresistingly into his embrace.
My best friend, Mark, Jaebum thinks. He's said these words countless times, both out loud and in his heart, throughout the past thirty-six years, that they've all but lost their meaning. And yet, it strikes Jaebum like an epiphany that Mark had been so much more than that. He had been Jaebum's brother, friend, soulmate. Lover. He had been Jaebum's unwavering pillar of support and the silent, invisible wings behind his back, the hands that caught him when he fell. He had been all that and more.
Jaebum recalls the elapsed years, from the time they had met, in increments of two. Mark had always been beside him, his safe harbour, the home he would always return to. And when Jaebum arrives at the question of what he should do at this crossroads; which path he should choose -- it dawns on him that when he remembers nine, fifteen, twenty-one, thirty-three, Mark had been the only constant in an ever-changing world. He had been the only absolute certainty.
And when Jaebum realizes that, he knows with simple clarity that there's no question about which road he's going to take this time. There never has been. Because wherever and whenever, Jaebum will always take the road that leads to Mark.
The road that leads home.
rooftop
pairing: jb/mark
rating: pg
summary: wherever and whenever, jaebum will always take the road that leads to mark.
5.
The first time Jaebum meets Mark, they are five and Mark is fresh off the boat from Taiwan, unable to speak a word of Korean. They have nothing in common except the fact that their fathers are friends, and Jaebum's father makes him promise to look after Mark in Korea from now on.
Jaebum nods obediently but casts an impatient look at Mark. He has no time to babysit a small, boring-looking boy who he can't even communicate with and is too shy to even meet Jaebum's eyes as he mumbles excruciatingly awkwardly in broken Korean, "Nice to meet you. I'm Yi-en."
7.
By the time they have turned seven, Mark's Korean has improved by leaps and bounds thanks to the immersive environment, but it is still heavily accented and halting. Out of all their classmates in elementary school, only Jaebum has the patience to decipher it.
"Zaifan!" Jaebum hears from outside his window, and stumbles off his bed groggily to see Mark standing in his navy sailor uniform on the road outside his house, waving and smiling hugely. "Wake up! We're late for school."
Along with his improving Korean, Mark's confidence has also increased imperceptibly but gradually. Jaebum learns that Mark takes a long time to warm up to a new person, but when he does, he does completely. And even at the tender age of seven, Jaebum realizes that being wholly accepted into Mark's quirky, eccentric world is one of the greatest pleasures life will ever give him.
9.
When footsteps creak up the staircase, Mark immediately hauls open Jaebum's closet door and throws himself inside, hissing urgently, "Don't tell her I'm here!"
He barely has the time to shut the door with a bang that makes Jaebum wince before the doorknob of Jaebum's bedroom is turning. Mark's mother walks in with her hands on her hips. "Sorry to bother you, Jaebummie. Have you seen Mark?"
"N-no, auntie!" Jaebum squeaks unconvincingly.
Mark's mother narrows her eyes but doesn't push the matter. When she eventually leaves the room and her footsteps creak down the stairs, Jaebum heaves a heavy sigh of relief and pulls open the closet door. Mark is crouching at the bottom with his knees folded to his chest, looking like he's hyperventilating.
Jaebum helps him out, worried. "Are you okay?"
"I couldn't breathe," Mark gasps, but he's grinning, an impish, infectious grin that creeps unwillingly onto Jaebum's face too. "Thanks, Zaifan. You're the best," Mark gushes, flopping down onto the floor again to continue their video game.
11.
Two days before his eleventh birthday, Mark botches a flip on his skateboard and fractures his ankle. Thankfully, the doctor says there's no lasting damage to the ligament, but Mark is ordered a month of bed rest till his ankle heals.
Jaebum rushes home every day after school, his bag heavy with both his and Mark's notes. They do their homework together, and Jaebum grudgingly allows Mark to copy off him for once since he's a patient. Mark is delighted and declares that it was worth the sprain.
They spend their afternoons in Mark's cluttered bedroom as Jaebum clumsily spoons porridge into his mouth, and Mark's mother allows them to play all the video games they want because she feels so sorry for Mark.
And so Mark's birthday is spent on a day like that. They don't go to the amusement park or organize a party as Mark's parents had originally planned, but ten years later Mark will tell Jaebum that his eleventh remains his most memorable birthday so far.
13.
"GO, ZAIFAN!" Jaebum hears a newly deepening but familiar voice hollering as he sprints across the soccer field during the Junior League tournament, his cleats kicking up dirt and mud, and smiles achingly. Youngjae steals the ball from the other team, and passes it to Jaebum in a swift roundabout tackle. Jaebum catches it neatly and sends it sailing with an expertly-aimed kick towards the goalposts.
When it sinks into the net, a perfect goal, the bleachers explode in uproarious cheers and screams. But Jaebum can only hear Mark's voice, cracking as he ecstatically yells Jaebum's name over and over at a volume that Jaebum has never heard from him before and never will in future.
15.
Three months into their second year of junior high, Mark finds a frilly pink envelope on his desk when they walk into class, decorated with childish glitter stickers and careful but nervously wobbly penmanship.
He opens it curiously and they read it together at break. Dear Mark oppa, it reads in sparkly hot pink ink. I like you. Can you be my boyfriend? Love, Suzy.
Mark's wide eyes meet Jaebum's. Suzy is the prettiest girl in their class, and most of the boys have a puppy crush on her. Jaebum sees Mark's Adam's apple bob in his throat, face growing as pink as the envelope.
Mark clumsily scrawls OK on the letter, sliding it back into the envelope and dropping it subtly on Suzy's desk as they saunter past casually. After a few steps, a high-pitched squeal erupts behind them.
Mark and Suzy spend their breaks together for a week while Jaebum eats lunch sitting alone. After that, Suzy haughtily announces that she's breaking up with Mark for no apparent reason and proceeds to start dating Youngjae from Jaebum's Junior League soccer team the next day.
Mark doesn't seem all that devastated.
17.
When Jaebum's parents tell him they've invited Mark over for a sleepover party to celebrate his seventeenth birthday, Jaebum nearly chokes on his own spit.
"Why?!" he screeches in panic, and his mother stares at him, baffled.
"I thought you boys spend your birthdays together every year."
Jaebum resists the urge to mutter an expletive. If his parents weren't so damn clueless, they'd know that Jaebum hadn't seen Mark since they graduated junior high and entered different senior highs because Mark's grades weren't as good as Jaebum's. Without being schoolmates and classmates, it was far too easy to drift apart.
The doorbell rings. "Oh, they must be here," Jaebum's mother beams, bustling to open the door.
Mr and Mrs Tuan are standing with Joey in the doorway, bearing wrapped gifts for Jaebum. Jaebum's stomach flips when he spots Mark hovering awkwardly behind them, looking like he wants to be here as much as Jaebum.
They sit opposite each other at the dinner table, carefully trying not to meet each other's eyes. Mark is scarfing down his meal with his head practically buried in the plate and all Jaebum can see is a whorl of his dark hair, which has grown longer and is now styled in a way that makes his chiseled features stand out.
Jaebum was surprised by Mark's growth spurt, and he could see that Mark was surprised by his too. He stared up at Jaebum, as if thrown by the height difference that had suddenly sprouted between them. Mark has always been small but now he's slender and lanky, all sinuous limbs and gazelle-like grace.
After dinner, Mark's family goes home but not before dumping Mark in Jaebum's house and telling them to have a good time on their sleepover. Mark looks like he wishes the ground would open up and swallow him.
Jaebum trudges to his room with Mark trailing silently at his heels. The mute tension between them is something new and unfamiliar, contrasting vastly with their effortlessly flowing and rambling conversations about everything and nothing before they turned sixteen. Jaebum wishes they could've stayed as kids forever, before puberty came along to ruin everything.
Jaebum lounges stiffly on his bed as he watches Mark root in his overnight bag, frowning. Eventually, he takes a deep breath and mumbles apprehensively, "What are you looking for?"
Mark turns to look at him warily. "I forgot to bring a shirt," he says sheepishly.
Jaebum nearly laughs out loud but bites his lip. At least Mark's absentmindedness is one thing that hasn't changed. He gets up and opens his closet, fishing out one of his sweatshirts and tosses it to Mark.
"Thanks," Mark mutters gratefully, disappearing into the bathroom.
When Mark comes out of the steamy shower ten minutes later, smelling of citrus shampoo and chamomile soap, the size difference between them becomes doubly obvious. The sleeves of Jaebum's faded blue sweatshirt hang loosely over his wrists, his fingers peeking out from the cuffs as he tries to roll them up his elbows. The sweatshirt engulfs his body, making him look even skinnier than he already is. Jaebum clears his throat and looks away, gathering up his own clothes to take his turn in the shower.
When he comes out, Mark is hovering by the wall, looking lost when once Jaebum's room had been as familiar territory to him as his own. Jaebum climbs into bed and beckons him impatiently. "Come on."
"I... I can sleep on the floor," Mark says hastily, but Jaebum clicks his tongue and lifts a corner of the duvet invitingly. "Just come here."
Mark opens his mouth to protest, his brows furrowing, before closing it in resignation and obeying. Jaebum smiles with satisfaction. Mark has always been unable to say no to him.
Mark curls up into himself at the edge of the bed, not touching Jaebum, but when Jaebum wakes up the next morning, he finds Mark sleeping as soundly as a child in his arms, snoring softly. His face looks exactly like it did at ten years old in sleep. Jaebum clenches his fists and resists the urge to tuck Mark's hair behind his ear.
Mark wakes up fifteen minutes later, and proceeds to brush his teeth and go to the kitchen for breakfast. Jaebum watches him quietly, his panic building as he feels his last chance slipping away.
As Mark pauses on the threshold of his front door, Jaebum finds the courage in the nick of time. "Mark-yah," he calls, voice thick, and Mark turns around, eyes unreadably bright.
Jaebum gulps. "Even though we're in different schools... we can still be friends, right?" he stammers.
When Mark nods, breaking into a tremulous smile, Jaebum feels like his life has begun again.
19.
When they graduate from high school, Jaebum and Mark are still firm friends. They make plans to go to the same university, although Mark is pursuing a degree in Arts and Jaebum in Sciences. They try to meet up as often as they can on campus, and as different as their majors are, they still manage to find common topics of conversation, such as their childhood memories and mutual friends and families and always, always music.
Jaebum and Mark have shared the same burning passion and eclectic taste in music since they were boys. They switch iPods so often that Jaebum can no longer distinguish which is his and which is Mark's, but it doesn't really matter since most of the songs in their iTunes libraries are the same anyway. While Mark has a penchant for indie rap music, Jaebum prefers R&B, Soul and ballads. But they have taught each other how to appreciate both genres, and Jaebum sometimes idly wonders if in another life, they could've been part of a band together.
21.
"Zaifan!" Jaebum hears the familiar word in an even more familiar voice and knows even before he turns around exactly who he is. There's only one person in the world who uses that nickname.
When he turns around, Mark is loping across the courtyard towards him, sunlight splashing liquid gold over his mischievously sparkling eyes and crowded smile, and Jaebum stares.
Mark laughs his inimitable squeaky laugh as he finally reaches Jaebum's side and loops his arm easily into the crook of Jaebum's. "Whatcha looking at?" he says, deep voice rumbling with amusement.
"Nothing," Jaebum coughs and stammers. You.
23.
Jaebum gets drafted into the army soon after he graduates from university and packs his bags, heading for the barracks in Incheon. Mark doesn't have to enlist because he's not a Korean citizen, so he enters the workforce earlier.
Military service is cold, lonely and backbreaking, and at night when Jaebum drifts into a restless sleep he feels his rapidly burgeoning body heat up with urges and needs that surprise him with their intensity.
But instead of the giant-boobed pin-up girls his bunkmates have tacked posters of to the ceiling, what flashes into Jaebum's head as he tugs himself off to sloppy, muffled orgasm beneath the blanket is Mark in his bedroom on his seventeenth birthday, looking fragile and rumpled as Jaebum's sweatshirt swallowed him.
25.
Mark is waiting outside the gates of the camp on the day Jaebum is discharged from service, looking older and more mature but somehow exactly the same. His eyes are still as gentle as Jaebum remembered as he smiles brilliantly, waving. Even more.
Mark updates him on their families and friends as he drives Jaebum home in his new car. He has gotten a job as a stunt choreographer-cum-instructor at a martial arts studio, unsurprisingly for the athletic talent he has always displayed.
"Oh, and..." Mark mentions casually as he pulls up outside Jaebum's house, smiling so widely his eyes crinkle. "I'm seeing somebody."
27.
"Does it bother you that I'm... gay?" Mark asks offhandedly one afternoon when they are waiting at a bistro for Jackson, who is running late. His tone is carefully casual in a way that makes it immediately transparent to Jaebum that he has been thinking of how to broach this question for years. He had always been able to read Mark like a book.
Jaebum hesitates, and is startled when he looks up to see Mark's heart in his eyes.
"Of course not!" he quickly reassures, but Mark doesn't look convinced. He remains slightly green around the gills as Jackson rushes into the bistro with a bright clanging of the door chimes and crashes down at the table, making his usual flamboyant entrances.
"Sorry I'm late," he flashes an irresistible grin. "What were you guys talking about?"
Mark's face lights up like a Christmas tree the moment he sees Jackson. In the two decades that he's known Mark, Jaebum has never seen Mark as animated as Jackson makes him. When Mark had first introduced Jaebum to Jackson two years ago, their first meeting hadn't exactly gone well. Jaebum had been testy and suspicious, skeptical about Jackson's seemingly flighty and flippant character.
But two years later, Mark and Jackson are still happily together, and Jaebum has to admit that maybe this is the real thing for Mark. He knows he should be happy for his best friend. But Jaebum can't help the chilling premonition that Jackson is going to hurt Mark irreparably one day, that Jaebum will not be able to pick up the pieces.
But he has no right to interfere when Jackson makes Mark so blissfully happy. After all, Jaebum is only Mark's best friend.
"Zaifan!" Mark is waving a hand in front of his face, laughing in exasperation. "Hello? Anyone in?"
Jaebum abruptly snaps out of his reverie to see Jackson eyeing him with a sharp look he has been seeing more often lately, and he doesn't miss the way Jackson's hand closes proprietarily over Mark's on the table, keeping his stony eyes on Jaebum as he leans in to whisper in Mark's ear, "Yi-en, baby..." followed by some indecipherable Mandarin.
Jaebum flushes and tears his eyes away, but he can still feel Jackson's knowing gaze on him, seeming to effortlessly see through all of Jaebum's deepest secrets.
29.
Caving to his parents' increasing admonishments to get married and give them a grandchild, Jaebum proposes to his current and third girlfriend a year before he turns thirty. Jinyoung is a classy, demure, humorous and intelligent woman. Not to mention gorgeous. Jaebum can find no faults with her. In a rare display of unity, both his parents and friends approve of her. Even Mark had declared with admiration that she was a "cool chick", and Mark never gave out compliments loosely.
All these makes Jaebum even more sure that she is The One. Jinyoung has a heart of gold and natural motherly instincts. He knows without a doubt that she is going to make a wonderful mother to his children. Most importantly, Jinyoung is head over heels in love with him.
Jaebum had no idea what he did to deserve the adoration of such an amazing woman, but he knows he shouldn't let her pass him by. He's lucky, Jaebum thinks, incredibly lucky as he watches Jinyoung float tearily down the aisle towards him in her ivory veil and gown of Chantilly lace. But for some reason what he's looking at when he thinks that thought is Mark standing beside him in his best man's suit, his smile pristine as the day they met at five and his eyes filled with nothing but unconditional blessings and love and happiness for Jaebum.
When Jaebum closes his eyes, he can imagine for the briefest moment that Jinyoung doesn't exist and it's only him and Mark standing before the priest, side by side. Just the most fleeting, ephemeral moment, before the illusion shatters and he opens his eyes back to reality.
31.
Jinyoung organizes a birthday party for Yugyeom when he turns one, and they invite Mark, Jackson, and the adorable little boy they have newly adopted from Thailand, Bambam.
As the four of them sit across the dinner table and converse over a refined meal served on Jinyoung's antique ceramic dishes and silverware, Jaebum catches sight of Mark and can hardly believe that they're parents now. Fathers. He still feels like the snivelling five-year-old kid meeting Mark for the first time, especially when Mark murmurs across the table, candlelight flickering over his lopsided smile, "Can you believe this, Zaifan? We have children. Children." Mark shakes his head, looking dazed.
His Korean is almost as fluent as a native speaker's now, having lived in Seoul for almost three decades. Jackson's is remarkably smooth as well. Jaebum wonders about the trajectories of fate that has led the four of them to cross paths -- two Koreans and two Chinese, but Jaebum feels more affinity for Mark than anyone at this table.
An infant's gleeful chortle jolts him out from his musings, and Jaebum looks over to the living room to see Yugyeom and Bambam crawling together on the floor, giggling and babbling in their own little game. He loves these two children with all of his heart, as fiercely as he loves Jinyoung and Mark and even Jackson, who Jaebum has accepted as a dear friend on account of Mark. The six of them -- they're family. And as he looks at Mark, Jinyoung and Jackson's faces in the glow of the candlelight, he knows in his gut that they will protect this little, unbearably precious family unit alongside him, just as lovingly.
33.
As Yugyeom and Bambam grow up rapidly from babies to toddlers, they become as inseparable friends as their parents. Watching the two baby boys, Jaebum is reminded of him and Mark when they were young -- joined at the hip, knowing each other like the back of their own hand.
He is contented that he has been able to preserve his friendship with Mark, even after marriage, that he is still constantly able to meet up with Mark (even if Jackson is usually present too), as often as twice a week. Mark's presence in Jaebum's life has always been something like a stabiliser, a mainstay, and Jaebum can't imagine how lost he would feel without him.
Jinyoung is as loyal and dutiful a wife as Jaebum could wish for. He has nothing to complain about. However you look at it, his life is perfect. He has a comfortably-paying job, a pretty and kind-hearted wife, a beautiful three-year old son. Jaebum has no reason to feel that anything is lacking.
35.
It's an otherwise uneventful evening when Jaebum is startled to find himself alone with Mark. It seems like years since the last time they've managed to have a private conversation, just between the two of them, without Jinyoung and Jackson hovering on the edges and listening in.
But today, they are waiting at a candlelit table in a new Italian restaurant Jinyoung wants to try out. Because her office is closer in distance to the fencing studio downtown where Jackson is an instructor, he usually picks her up after work when the four of them meet for a meal.
They were pleasantly surprised by how well Jinyoung and Jackson ended up getting along, after the initial awkwardness. On the outside, they didn't seem to have compatible personalities, but they matched each other strangely well and often squabbled about trivia to Mark and Jaebum's amusement.
Mark checks his watch, seeming impatient to see Jackson, and Jaebum feels an odd pang. Does Mark mind spending time with him alone that much? Mark sips his wine as the silence lengthens, but Jaebum finds it more comfortable than stilted. He has known Mark for thirty years now, and sometimes it feels like a lifetime.
Others, it feels like a heartbeat.
37.
"We're not working out, are we."
When Jinyoung says these words, Jaebum thinks he's dreaming. He frowns in incomprehension as he stares at her, puzzled about what she's talking about. Jinyoung just smiles tiredly, tiny creases fanning out at the corners of her eyes, which meet his honestly and unresentfully.
"I've held on so long because of Yugyeom. But I think he's old enough now."
"Old enough for what?" Jaebum repeats, and Jinyoung's smile is bittersweet.
"Jaebum-ah," she says gently, placing her hand on top of his. "Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me Yugyeom, and these seven years of happiness. But Jaebum-ah, am I really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
Jaebum opens his mouth to reflexively answer Of course, but Jinyoung places a soft finger on his lips.
"Think carefully," she says, and her voice is wise and understanding.
39.
Jaebum weaves through the mass of bodies and smoke at the bar, finally locating Mark's familiar profile sitting on a barstool in the corner of the room and drowning his sorrows in alcohol.
Jaebum quickly approaches, placing a concerned hand on his shoulder. "Mark-yah, what's wrong?" he says gently, trying to hide his worry.
Mark raises his head, and his eyes are ravaged and dull when they meet Jaebum's. "Jackson left," he mutters, the sentence trailing off in a sob.
Jaebum's heart clenches. "What?" he says, feeling his blood boiling in his veins and his hands curling into fists. "How dare he, that fucker --"
He pivots on his heel, shaking with anger, but Mark's light touch on his shoulder stops him, stills him effortlessly.
"He said..." Mark's voice is husky, and he clears his throat, eyes glassy and pitch dark. "He said I was in love with you. Can you believe that?"
"... W-what?" Jaebum breathes, the bottom falling out of his world. Mark's eyes burn steadily, inscrutably into his.
"Why did Jinyoung divorce you?" he murmurs almost inaudibly.
Jaebum swallows over the lump in his throat, feeling his pulse pounding in his ears. "She said I was in love with you."
41.
The next time they meet is at Jackson and Jinyoung's wedding. After that fateful night at the bar two years ago, Jaebum had not contacted Mark and neither had Mark contacted him. They were both too fucked up, too cowardly, not brave enough to face the fallout of the questions that had been raised that night, the gauntlets that had been thrown. It had been easier to run away, to try to forget Mark, Mark Tuan who Jaebum had known his whole life and had apparently always loved without realizing.
But no matter how far he ran, Jaebum couldn't hide. He couldn't hide from the memories that haunted him daily, that were as much a part of him as his own lungs and heart and internal organs. Mark was a part of Jaebum that he couldn't just cut off with a neat incision.
Jaebum is laughing and playfully herding Yugyeom and Bambam, who are eleven years old and the most exhausting boys in the universe into the church to prepare for their duty as flower boys when he stops in his tracks.
It's an understatement to say that Mark knocks the breath out of Jaebum when he sees him. Mark is clad in a dapper, sharp navy suit, his broad shoulders filling out the sleeves, his hair youthfully tousled and belying the elegant sprinkling of ash grey at his temples. Jaebum had forgotten how breathtakingly handsome, how achingly familiar Mark was.
Everyone says Jinyoung and Jackson are the happiest couple they've ever seen, but Jaebum barely notices them because he can't take his eyes off Mark; Mark standing in a corner of the banquet hall looking like he wants to fade into the wallpaper, Mark thoughtfully sipping a glass of champagne, tapered fingers clasped gracefully around the stem, Mark just standing there, doing nothing but looking so captivatingly, devastatingly flawless just being himself.
Mark's eyes widen when he sees Jaebum, the emotions flickering across them raw and exposed -- happiness, regret, an overwhelmingly fierce missing. Unconditional, unspoken understanding. He takes a hesitant step closer, as if he's afraid Jaebum is a hallucination who will vanish at a touch.
"Zaifan?" Mark says shakily, fighting back tears.
"Yi-en," Jaebum replies quietly, steadily, and steps forward to gather Mark unresistingly into his embrace.
My best friend, Mark, Jaebum thinks. He's said these words countless times, both out loud and in his heart, throughout the past thirty-six years, that they've all but lost their meaning. And yet, it strikes Jaebum like an epiphany that Mark had been so much more than that. He had been Jaebum's brother, friend, soulmate. Lover. He had been Jaebum's unwavering pillar of support and the silent, invisible wings behind his back, the hands that caught him when he fell. He had been all that and more.
Jaebum recalls the elapsed years, from the time they had met, in increments of two. Mark had always been beside him, his safe harbour, the home he would always return to. And when Jaebum arrives at the question of what he should do at this crossroads; which path he should choose -- it dawns on him that when he remembers nine, fifteen, twenty-one, thirty-three, Mark had been the only constant in an ever-changing world. He had been the only absolute certainty.
And when Jaebum realizes that, he knows with simple clarity that there's no question about which road he's going to take this time. There never has been. Because wherever and whenever, Jaebum will always take the road that leads to Mark.
The road that leads home.
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