Revenge
This morning I pulled into the parking lot at my job and got out of my car. Two twats that I work with were sitting on the bench outside smoking ciggs. I said hello to them, and one of them asked me if I could make an announcement over the loudspeaker about the bake sale that was going on in the truck driver's lounge today. I said sure, even though she could have definitely done that herself. There are instructions on how to do that on my job's internal home page, but whatever, I didn't mind that much.
I walked in the door and made my way to my desk, where I noticed that there was a Post-It stuck to my computer screen. It read "Hi Katie, can you please make an announcement about the bake sale in the trucker's lounge? It starts at 8:00 AM." I ripped the note off and threw it in the trash pail, making mental plans to do this as soon as I went to the bathroom and got some coffee from the break room.
First, I hit the bathroom, for my morning diarrhea. A woman I work with was in the bathroom, and she greeted me. I said hi. Then she said, "Hey, when you get back to your desk, could I ask you for a favor? Could you just-" and I cut her off, because I knew where this was headed. "What? Could I just make an announcement over the loudspeaker about the bake sale happening in the truck driver's lounge?" That was exactly what she wanted. I said I was aware, and I would get right on the loudspeaker as soon as I was done in the bathroom. The whole time I was expelling the diarrhea, all I could think about was the bake sale in the trucker's lounge. Wow, it must be so cool. I thought about all the delicious food the people in my office probably made, and I fantasized about purchasing it, in the driver's lounge. Would there be any croissants? How about chocky chippos? What would be there for me?
By this point about five minutes had passed since I'd arrived at work. It was time to get some coffee from the break room. I walked in there, poured some coffee, and went back to my desk. There was someone waiting at my desk, another woman I work with. She said good morning, but I knew she had ulterior motives. I knew she either needed office supplies, or needed me to FedEx something, or maybe she wanted to ask me to make an announcement regarding the bake sale, in the driver's lounge. She wanted the latter. This time I got visibly annoyed. "Okay, great, thanks! As soon as I get settled I will definitely make the announcement. I'm sorry to be short with you, but you are the fourth person to ask me. I will make the announcement." I almost felt bad, but then I thought about how this was the fourth person asking me to do the same annoying shit that ANYONE COULD HAVE DONE, within five minutes, and I stopped caring.
I got on the loudspeaker and made the fucking stupid announcement about the idiot bake sale in the dumbass loser trucker's lounge, and that was that. I felt better knowing that no one would ask me to do that for the rest of the day. I could get on with my stupid life now.
I felt thirsty as fuck so I went back to the break room to get some water. There was a woman standing in the break room watching Fox news for the biggest losers and morons of all time. "Oh hi Katie!" she said. "I'm glad you came in here; I was actually about to come see you. Do you think you could make an announcement over the loudspeaker about the bake sale happening in the trucker's lounge today? It starts at-" and I cut her off. "I know. It starts at eight. Lisa, I literally just made that announcement." "Oh, you did? Are you sure?" "Yes I'm sure! Four people asked me to do it before I did it, so I'm positive I made the announcement. Didn't you hear it?" She shook her head. "No I didn't... Would you mind doing it again? Just one more time?" Like YES, I mind very much! You are so obnoxious and so is every person involved with this fucking bake sale, so can you please just get off my nutsack and all go die somewhere?!?! "Sure. I'll do it again," I said. And I did it again, like the schmuck that I am.
Then someone asked me to make ANOTHER bake sale announcement around lunchtime; that the afternoon portion of the bake sale in the trucker's lounge was about to kick off. Who even divides a bake sale into two portions? That's so STUPID!!! Everything about this was the dumbest thing ever.
I left this place to eat lunch in the park, and when I returned, I felt like I needed a salty snack. I walked down to the vending machine, which, unfortunately, is in the truck driver's lounge. I walked past the dreaded bake sale from the depths of hell, where four overweight assholes were sitting there trying to get people to pay for crappy Shop Rite brand muffins, cookies, and pastries, and literally NOTHING that was baked from scratch in one's home AT ALL. It was so pathetic. The people working at the sale gave me some shit for going to the vending machine when there were all these "DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS" for sale, but I just ignored them. I was like "I just really wanted some crappy chips from the vending machine. You know how it is sometimes!"
Then I got back to my desk and noticed that there were about thirty Canadian geese all over the front lawn of my office. The people that are in charge of the building here HATE these geese, and are always trying to get them off of the property. They have even paid some exterminator for geese called GEESEBUSTERS to take measures to keep them off of the front lawn, several times, but they keep coming back. Then the geese poop all over the parking lot, and people complain about stepping in the poop, and then they have to remove the geese again, and it's just a vicious cycle. But it gave me an incredible idea.
I went back down to the bake sale, and I paid $3 for one corn muffin and two croissants, all of which were Shop Rite brand. I felt so happy and lucky to have The Really Good Stuff. It smelled so delicious and not like the plastic container it came in at all. I came back to the front, went out the door, and used all of what I had just purchased to feed the Canadian geese a nice big lunch, compliments of me, to make sure that they feel at home and welcome on the front lawn. Hopefully the baked goods will give them some nice healthy bowel movements too, to be unloaded in the parking lot where every dickhead from the bake sale can get doody on their shoes.
I walked in the door and made my way to my desk, where I noticed that there was a Post-It stuck to my computer screen. It read "Hi Katie, can you please make an announcement about the bake sale in the trucker's lounge? It starts at 8:00 AM." I ripped the note off and threw it in the trash pail, making mental plans to do this as soon as I went to the bathroom and got some coffee from the break room.
First, I hit the bathroom, for my morning diarrhea. A woman I work with was in the bathroom, and she greeted me. I said hi. Then she said, "Hey, when you get back to your desk, could I ask you for a favor? Could you just-" and I cut her off, because I knew where this was headed. "What? Could I just make an announcement over the loudspeaker about the bake sale happening in the truck driver's lounge?" That was exactly what she wanted. I said I was aware, and I would get right on the loudspeaker as soon as I was done in the bathroom. The whole time I was expelling the diarrhea, all I could think about was the bake sale in the trucker's lounge. Wow, it must be so cool. I thought about all the delicious food the people in my office probably made, and I fantasized about purchasing it, in the driver's lounge. Would there be any croissants? How about chocky chippos? What would be there for me?
By this point about five minutes had passed since I'd arrived at work. It was time to get some coffee from the break room. I walked in there, poured some coffee, and went back to my desk. There was someone waiting at my desk, another woman I work with. She said good morning, but I knew she had ulterior motives. I knew she either needed office supplies, or needed me to FedEx something, or maybe she wanted to ask me to make an announcement regarding the bake sale, in the driver's lounge. She wanted the latter. This time I got visibly annoyed. "Okay, great, thanks! As soon as I get settled I will definitely make the announcement. I'm sorry to be short with you, but you are the fourth person to ask me. I will make the announcement." I almost felt bad, but then I thought about how this was the fourth person asking me to do the same annoying shit that ANYONE COULD HAVE DONE, within five minutes, and I stopped caring.
I got on the loudspeaker and made the fucking stupid announcement about the idiot bake sale in the dumbass loser trucker's lounge, and that was that. I felt better knowing that no one would ask me to do that for the rest of the day. I could get on with my stupid life now.
I felt thirsty as fuck so I went back to the break room to get some water. There was a woman standing in the break room watching Fox news for the biggest losers and morons of all time. "Oh hi Katie!" she said. "I'm glad you came in here; I was actually about to come see you. Do you think you could make an announcement over the loudspeaker about the bake sale happening in the trucker's lounge today? It starts at-" and I cut her off. "I know. It starts at eight. Lisa, I literally just made that announcement." "Oh, you did? Are you sure?" "Yes I'm sure! Four people asked me to do it before I did it, so I'm positive I made the announcement. Didn't you hear it?" She shook her head. "No I didn't... Would you mind doing it again? Just one more time?" Like YES, I mind very much! You are so obnoxious and so is every person involved with this fucking bake sale, so can you please just get off my nutsack and all go die somewhere?!?! "Sure. I'll do it again," I said. And I did it again, like the schmuck that I am.
Then someone asked me to make ANOTHER bake sale announcement around lunchtime; that the afternoon portion of the bake sale in the trucker's lounge was about to kick off. Who even divides a bake sale into two portions? That's so STUPID!!! Everything about this was the dumbest thing ever.
I left this place to eat lunch in the park, and when I returned, I felt like I needed a salty snack. I walked down to the vending machine, which, unfortunately, is in the truck driver's lounge. I walked past the dreaded bake sale from the depths of hell, where four overweight assholes were sitting there trying to get people to pay for crappy Shop Rite brand muffins, cookies, and pastries, and literally NOTHING that was baked from scratch in one's home AT ALL. It was so pathetic. The people working at the sale gave me some shit for going to the vending machine when there were all these "DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS" for sale, but I just ignored them. I was like "I just really wanted some crappy chips from the vending machine. You know how it is sometimes!"
Then I got back to my desk and noticed that there were about thirty Canadian geese all over the front lawn of my office. The people that are in charge of the building here HATE these geese, and are always trying to get them off of the property. They have even paid some exterminator for geese called GEESEBUSTERS to take measures to keep them off of the front lawn, several times, but they keep coming back. Then the geese poop all over the parking lot, and people complain about stepping in the poop, and then they have to remove the geese again, and it's just a vicious cycle. But it gave me an incredible idea.
I went back down to the bake sale, and I paid $3 for one corn muffin and two croissants, all of which were Shop Rite brand. I felt so happy and lucky to have The Really Good Stuff. It smelled so delicious and not like the plastic container it came in at all. I came back to the front, went out the door, and used all of what I had just purchased to feed the Canadian geese a nice big lunch, compliments of me, to make sure that they feel at home and welcome on the front lawn. Hopefully the baked goods will give them some nice healthy bowel movements too, to be unloaded in the parking lot where every dickhead from the bake sale can get doody on their shoes.