Distance Nightmare 33/37
Chapter 33 - Facing It
Abby waited impatiently outside the office of psych services at NCIS, feeling nervous and just wanting to get the next hour over and done with.
She'd woken this morning in the grip of another nightmare, and she'd crawled into Gibbs' arms gratefully when he reached for her, clinging to him as he comforted her. She shouldn't be surprised at her dreams flaring up again, given this morning's appointment was constantly on her mind.
Would the hold the Phantom had on her life never be over?
Gibbs had been reluctant to leave her this morning, but she'd eventually convinced him that she'd be okay and that, anyway, she had to face this on her own, or she'd never convince the shrink that she was okay to come back to work.
She took the point Gibbs made as he left, that if she tried to act normally and just gave her impersonation of 'energizer Abby', they were hardly likely to be fooled. Nor would being overly calm and avoiding the questions get her anywhere. The psychologists were used to seeing straight through the best defenses. The best thing she could do would be to admit at least some of the things that she was struggling to cope with, and to cooperate, in the hope that it would be enough to get her cleared to come back to her lab.
She couldn't stand another week without being able to work, however pleasant the side benefits may be.
She'd been surprised and touched also by a phone call from Callen before she left Gibbs' house. He'd found out when her appointment was and had rung to wish her luck with it. He and his team had sent through a report on the case to psych services as requested.
She'd not had to face a thorough 'Fitness for Duty' type evaluation before. Her past experiences with her assistant, Chip and Mikel Mawr had not been deemed by Director Shephard to be sufficient to trigger one. As she was now reporting directly to Vance, presumably he was going to do things strictly by the book. Plus neither of those experiences could equate to the severity of what had happened with the Phantom.
It wasn't going to be a formality.
When she entered the office, she shook hands with Dr Janice Hunter, trying not to let Ziva's description of the psychologist, 'man hands, pretty eyes,' distract her too much. "Please sit down, Miss Scuito." Dr Hunter gestured to the chair in front of her desk.
"Thank you. Please call me Abby, everyone does."
"As you wish, Abby." Janice Hunter waited until Abby was settled before continuing. "I've read both the LA team's report on what happened to you, and the medical reports forwarded from the hospital in LA and by Dr Mallard... although the last time he examined you was on Friday, is that correct?"
"Yes, that's right." She had to try to curtail her usual tendency to babble, lest she say too much.
"Now, although Dr Mallard isn't officially on the psychiatric staff here, I understand that he's been almost your personal physician for quite a few things over the past few years." Dr Hunter folded her hands in front of her on the desk.
"Yes, that's right," confirmed Abby. "You'll find most of Gibbs' team go to him and I trust his judgement."
Dr Hunter glanced down at her notes. "The last report mentioned muscles soreness and spasms, as well as nausea as a direct result of the drugs the Phantom administered. I hope those symptoms have now improved."
"Yes, they have, very much," nodded Abby. "They diminished over a few days and by the end of the weekend, had gone entirely so I'm fine now."
"Physically fine but, as I'm sure you're aware," Dr Hunter pointed out, "we're here to talk about and assess your mental state as much as anything."
Well, yeah, she was hardly here for fun.
"Yes, I'm aware of that, so ask away."
The psychologist gave her a brief smile. "As you're no doubt aware, Miss… " She inclined her head as she corrected herself. "Abby, I've been speaking to your co-workers, and I also have here a note from Director Vance, commending you for your work in catching the Phantom."
"I didn't catch him… " Abby corrected, gently. "Technically, he caught me."
"But it was your persistence in the first place that forced the authorities to even acknowledge there was a serial killer, and your forensic work that narrowed the search once you joined the LA team." She was curious about Abby's modesty on the subject.
Abby shrugged. "I'm like a dog with a bone when I'm convinced of something."
Dr Hunter paused, considering. "How did you feel when you found out the Phantom been participating on your blog?"
Here comes the tricky stuff.
"Like I'd missed something that was right under my nose for months."
"I imagine it hasn't been easy being away from your lab for over a week now, Abby."
"No, it hasn't." Abby wondered how long this stating the obvious would go on, and decided to push a little. "All I want to do is get back to work."
"I'm sure we all want that," said Janice Hunter, calmly.
"Then I'm not sure how I can prove that I'm mentally okay to work, other than to actually be in my lab and do my job. Nothing that happened to me will have affected my scientific ability to process evidence or to do my job."
"I'm sure you're right, Abby, but there are protocols to follow and NCIS need to be confident that you can handle your work." Dr Hunter held up her hand to forestall Abby interrupting. "I'm sure you can appreciate that defense attorneys would be able to exploit the fact that NCIS's foremost forensic scientist was allowed back to work without undergoing any psychiatric sessions, and that may allow them to call into question some of the evidence, as unlikely as that may seem now. The last thing we all want is for cases to be tainted in any way."
"And you don't think I want to avoid that too?" Abby felt her annoyance rising and tried to clamp down on her temper.
"The forensic lab is the lynchpin of NCIS. Every case every team works ends up passing through your lab," said Dr Hunter calmly.
"No one is more aware of that responsibility than me. My work is my life, Dr Hunter. Science is my life. My job here and my work mean the world to me and there is nothing I would do to endanger it." Abby took a deep breath as she tried to express something she rarely articulated to anyone else.
"No one is questioning your professional dedication, Abby," responded Dr Hunter.
"But it's more than that… my lab is the way I heal too. It's my therapy when I'm stressed or tired. I relax in my lab, it's where I unwind. Some people work out, some people party, some people write or listen to music."
And some build boats in basements, she thought, fondly.
"Yes, the hours you work down there do not go unnoticed," the psychologist smiled.
"Everyone works long hours in this building. I'm no different. That wasn't my point," Abby said with a touch of exasperation. "I find just working in the lab… relaxing, and it's a huge part of my life, not just my day job."
"And how will you feel going back to work in the same lab where you were shot at by a sniper and attacked by your assistant?" asked Dr Hunter.
Abby looked up, startled, eyes narrowing, "I haven't thought about either incident in years. Both Ari Haswari and Charles... Chip were three years ago. Why would either affect me more now?"
"Because of the inevitable parallels to your life being in danger again this time," Dr Hunter pointed out, levelly. "Our memories are fickle things and flashbacks can ambush us when we least expect it and in less than obvious circumstances."
"But I can't not do something," Abby shrugged, spreading her arms, "or stop myself going somewhere just because of something that might happen. Are you saying I'm not allowed back to work?" Abby was tired of this dancing around, and wanted to tackle the main issue head on.
Dr Hunter shook her head, "No, that's not what I'm saying."
"Then what? Look, I can't undo what happened three years ago, nor undo what happened last week. Nor can I judge if I'm going to get a flashback while I'm in my lab or not, so I don't know what you want me to say."
How could she live her life on 'what ifs?'
"I can only deal with whatever happens as it happens," Abby finished, trying to rein in her increasing impatience, knowing it would hardly help her cause.
"No, you can't undo or forget what happened, Abby, but what we can do is find a way to help you cope with it." Dr Hunter remained supremely unruffled, which only served to increase Abby's exasperation.
"I certainly haven't experienced any flashbacks or anxiety in the past couple of years from things that happened in the past. I thought I was doing just fine," said Abby, firmly but knew it sounded lame even to her own ears.
"And you probably were before now, before this event. But we have to assess how this latest trauma has stirred up the pot, for want of a better phrase, and how that anxiety is going to affect you in the long term." Dr Hunter paused. "Now, Abby, are you having trouble sleeping?"
"Nope, I'm sleeping very well." Abby didn't verbalise the random thought when I'm allowed to get any sleep. "I do feel tired though, perhaps more so than normal, which is unusual as I can usually pull all nighters fuelled by nothing more than Caf!Pow and bounce right back." Perhaps it was time to dangle some of what she was feeling? All she'd done so far was say she was fine, and she could see by the psychologist's expression that she wasn't buying it.
"Yes, I've heard," smiled Dr Hunter, briefly. "And how are the nightmares?"
Abby looked at her, curious. "That question's phrased as if you assume I'm having them."
"Dr Mallard mentioned it in his report." Dr Hunter glanced down at her notes once again. "Are you saying you're not experiencing nightmares any more?"
"No... I mean, yes, I am experiencing them. They come and go. This morning I had one, woke up to a nightmare, presumably because I was coming here to talk about it..."
Okay, Scuito, don't try to make a cheap point.
"Possibly," acknowledged Dr Hunter.
"But then some nights I don't have them at all," continued Abby, not about to reveal that was usually because she was exhausted from hours of sex. "It doesn't seem to follow a pattern... or one that I've been able to work out anyway."
"And their severity?" Dr Hunter went on. "Are they of specific instances that happened, or are some real events merging now with what your imagination is conjuring up?"
Abby was hesitant. "I... it's mostly what happened... for real."
"Mostly?" persisted Dr Hunter.
"Yes, but one time I imagined something that didn't happen," Abby confirmed reluctantly.
"Such as?"
"I dreamt that I was awake during the time he... masturbated over me and that I wasn't unconscious, which of course I was, fortunately." Abby remembered that nightmare all too well... it was one of the worst so far.
"Yes, Dr Mallard mentioned that you had seen the extra footage that was recovered, the part that showed what happened while you were unconscious."
"I needed to know what he'd done to me." Abby had a feeling this would be the trickiest part. She was well aware Ducky hadn't totally approved but had supported her, nonetheless. She doubted that psych services would be as magnanimous.
"Was that wise?" Dr Hunter steepled her fingers on the desk, examining Abby closely.
"Wise or not, I needed to know." Abby was damned if she was going to back down now. It was done anyway. "My imagination was beginning to supply me with images which were far worse than what had actually happened. It was a relief in a way."
"What was your imagination telling you?" asked Dr Hunter, making a few notes.
Abby took a deep breath. She'd been through this and didn't particularly want to re-examine it again. "I imagined he might have raped me, or at the very least undressed me... any number of unpleasant scenarios to explain how his semen came to be on my clothes. To see what actually happened was a relief in some ways."
Dr Hunter continued to search her face closely, and eventually asked. "And are you able to go back to sleep after your nightmares?"
"When they happen in the middle of the night, yes," replied Abby. "If it's morning, I don't bother even trying to get back to sleep and just get up."
"And is anyone there to help when you wake with these nightmares?"
"I'm staying at Agent Gibbs' house at the moment, so he's been very helpful... and supportive." The last thing she wanted was psych services questioning her too closely on her living arrangements. "The heating is out in my apartment building this week so he offered to let me stay at his house when we got back from LA."
"Yes, I understand he went to LA to journey back with you? That's very kind of him to let you stay at his house," added Dr Hunter.
Abby looked at her, sharply, "He'd do the same for any member of his team. We've been friends for years." She didn't want any clue about her change relationship with Gibbs to slip out.
"I'm curious," asked Dr Hunter, thoughtfully. "Would you have stayed with him anyway even if the heat in your apartment building hadn't been out? Would you have recognized that you possibly needed someone to look after you."
"I don't know if I can answer a hypothetical question like that... possibly, he would have offered a place to stay. He's a good friend. And, yes, I would probably have felt the need for some company in the first few days."
Dr Hunter abruptly changed tack. "And have there been any panic attacks?"
"No... yes, just once." Abby shook her head, impatiently. "The first night after I was discharged from hospital. I woke up and felt I couldn't breathe. But that was more related to an actual memory than a panic attack. When he drugged me and I woke up in the warehouse, I thought at first I couldn't breathe."
"Because of the muscle paralysis?" asked Dr Hunter.
"Yes, for a few seconds when I regained consciousness, I panicked, thinking that everything was paralysed, including my respiratory system but it faded when I realized that I could in fact get my breath." Abby felt her throat go dry as she remembered all too vividly that moment of regaining consciousness. She really didn't want to have to keep remembering this... to keep going over it again and again.
"But none since?" persisted Dr Hunter.
Abby shook her head. "No."
"And are you experiencing any anxiety when you go out?"
Abby laughed, softly, "Huh, nothing but a healthy fear of DC traffic... just as normal. Sorry... too flippant."
"That's alright, Abby. I'd be more concerned if you weren't afraid of DC traffic. And there's no need to be anything other than yourself in here." Dr Hunter smiled, suddenly looking more human. "What about crowds, are you afraid of being in a crowd, do they trigger feelings of anxiety?"
"I haven't experienced crowds as I haven't been back to work yet." She was getting tired of these impossible to answer questions, but wasn't sure how successful she was in suppressing her irritation. "I've spent most of the past few days indoors. So I can't answer that question yet."
"Have you attempted to get back into your normal routine yet? Arranged to go out with friends?"
Oh, for heaven's sake... like she's had time to do that or felt like it?
"Not yet... My normal routine is working. I've been resting as Ducky... Dr Mallard advised me to do. And as I'm on enforced sick leave... well, I didn't feel as if I should go out clubbing while on sick leave." No doubt if she had been out clubbing, that too would have been wrong. She was getting the feeling that whatever answer she gave, would be the wrong one in some way.
Dr Hunter looked down at her notes. "You used the term enforced sick leave, Abby. Does that mean you wouldn't have taken sick leave, given the choice?"
"I'm a workaholic, Dr Hunter," Abby pointed out. "I would probably have taken a few days off until the physical symptoms from the drugs subsided, but no, no more than that. I heal better when I'm working."
"And you're not avoiding going clubbing because of the similarities?" said Dr Hunter.
"Similarities?" Abby asked, warily.
"Yes," explained Dr Hunter, "parallels to the situation in which you were kidnapped... outside a club in LA, was it not?"
"Yes, it was." Abby paused. "No, I don't think so... at least not consciously. I just haven't felt like going clubbing. Maybe later in the week or next week I will. I haven't thought too much about it yet."
Which wasn't quite true.
She had thought about it and dismissed it... for now. The thought of returning to a club didn't fill her with enthusiasm like it usually did. Perhaps she ought to ask Tony to go with her... one over-protective bodyguard might help get her through the initial hurdle?
"Your co-workers have been very supportive in their statements," Dr Hunter told her.
"We're a family, Dr Hunter. We're all very close," smiled Abby, fondly. "We look after one another."
"Agent David mentioned that she believes she can help."
"She has offered, yes, and I'm very grateful," confirmed Abby. "I'm seeing her this evening. Not that I believe our experiences are even remotely similar."
"Your experiences don't have to be similar in order for Agent David to be of assistance. At this stage, I'd be comforted if you were to talk to anyone. Agent Gibbs has been... " Dr Hunter hesitated, "forthright in his belief that you are needed back at work."
I'll bet. Abby could imagine the conversation."He has confidence in my abilities."
"As does Director Vance, but I don't think your abilities are in question here. Agent Gibbs was also realistic enough to acknowledge that more sessions with us may be helpful to you," she smiled gently at Abby. "Let me ask you, what do you want to come out of this?"
"Is that a trick question?"
"No, I'm not trying to trap you, Abby."
"I just want to go back to work" Abby looked down at her hands, thinking of the best way to articulate this. "I'm not blind or naive enough to think that I will be able to put this experience behind me quickly, but I can hardly start to recover if I don't try and reclaim my normal life... get back into a routine again. I live for my work, Dr Hunter, and I believe it's no false modesty to say that NCIS need me in my lab. I'm precious little use outside of it."
Dr Hunter was silent for a few moments, before nodding, "Okay, I'm heartened that you are at least acknowledging what happened to you, Abby, and the impact it is having. However, my main concern is that you seem convinced that coming back to work will almost draw a line under what you have suffered and you need to accept that it won't. It is merely a step along a road to recovery... to putting this ordeal behind you. It will not be like flicking a light switch, that one moment you will be suffering and then the next it will all be behind you."
"I realize that," responded Abby. "I'm not sure how I can convince you that I do understand that, and then express it to you in a way that you'll believe me."
Abby had thought this through on her own and was well aware of the difficulties ahead. She'd had nothing but time to think over the past few days of enforced inactivity. What she hadn't heard so far were any practical suggestions as to how to progress from here on in.
"One of the main things is that you need accept that you suffered an ordeal, and that there is no shame in that. What you went through will have changed you and affected you in many ways, and will continue to do so for some time. You showed remarkable courage and determination, Abby."
"I didn't feel very brave at the time," Abby said, ruefully.
"I saw the video footage, Abby." Dr Hunter's voice was gentle. "Facing down the Phantom while immobile in that chair showed a remarkable bravery and resilience. But you don't need to pretend that it didn't affect you. I suspect that the close team of people you called your family here at NCIS will be only too pleased for you to lean on them in any way you need to. There is no shame in needing or asking for their help."
Abby felt her eyes sting with tears and tried furiously to suppress them. "I know that. They've all been so supportive already... I just don't want to be a burden to them. I'm used to being independent."
"You cannot do this alone, Abby." Dr Hunter was adamant. "And nor will it be a quick process of healing, and you will struggle from time to time and that's okay too. And I will do everything that I can to ensure that psych services will help you as much as they can in that process."
"I'll try." said Abby, quietly.
Dr Hunter nodded. "Okay, I'm going to recommend that you be allowed back to work, but I think you would benefit from at least two further sessions with our psychiatrist and then we can take it from there."
"You mean I have to attend the sessions before I come back?" asked Abby.
"If you were a field agent, then yes, that would be the case. But I think in this situation, you can have the sessions scheduled over the next couple of weeks, so you can attend them after you come back. Director Vance will make the final decision of course, and he'll have my report by the end of the day. I don't imagine he'll keep you waiting long for his decision." Dr Hunter smiled reassuringly. "I know he holds you in high esteem, and he has indicated you would have his full support when you come back."
"Thank you," replied Abby, more relieved than she could express.
"Okay, now unless you have any more questions, I imagine there's lots of other things you'd rather be doing with your day."
"No, no more questions." Abby just wanted to get out of here. She suddenly wasn't feeling too good.
When Abby left the office, she headed straight for the nearest restroom, feeling nauseous. She braced herself against the counter, breathing deeply and waited till the feeling subsided. She splashed water on her face as the buzzing in her ears and light-headedness faded.
Abby wasn't sure why she was having this reaction... the sudden release of tension, she supposed. Whatever it was, she'd have to get a grip on herself before she left. If she bumped into Gibbs, he'd see straight through her in a heartbeat. She gripped the edge of the basin, trying to stop her hands from shaking.
It was where Ziva found her.
"Are you alright, Abby?" Her friend looked pale... paler than usual.
"I think so, I can't seem to stop shaking, Ziva." Abby tried to summon up a smile, but it wasn't a very convincing one.
"I remember my own reaction after the first session. That is why I came to find you." Ziva squeezed Abby's shoulder. When Abby turned towards her, Ziva held out her arms to pull her into a warm hug.
Abby leant gratefully against the smaller woman's deceptively slender strength, thankful beyond words that Ziva was here. Gradually her shaking subsided and she was able to draw back. "I think I'm gonna go home, Ziva."
"Do you want me to get Gibbs?" Ziva asked, gently.
Abby shook her head vehemently, "No, Ziva, not now. I just wanna get out of here."
"That is understandable," Ziva hesitated before continuing, "but will Gibbs not expect you to go and see him before you leave."
"Probably, but I can't... I can't face talking to anyone right now... not even Gibbs." And she had to stop running to him whenever she felt... hinky. She would not turn into a clinging woman who couldn't cope with anything on her own.
"Alright, if that is what you want, Abby. But you should try and rest this afternoon." Ziva held her friend at arm's length, searching her face. At least some colour had come back into Abby's cheeks.
"I will. Can you tell Gibbs I've gone home, please? I mean, that I've gone to his house. I must stop saying home, coz it isn't... though it is... oh, ignore me, Ziva. I'm babbling... more than normal."
"Yes, I will tell him," promised Ziva. "Are you sure you are able to drive?"
"I'll be fine, Ziva." Abby rummaged in her bag for her car keys.
"I could take you home," offered Ziva, before asking with a teasing glint in her eye, "if you think my driving will not make you feel sick again?"
Abby's smile this time was brief but genuine. "No, it's alright, Ziva, I can drive. And anyway, I'm feeling much better now. I'll see you later for dinner, is that still okay?"
"Of course, Abby. I am looking forward to it." Ziva hooked her arm through Abby's and walked with her out to the elevator. "Come over when you are ready. I will call you if we catch a case."
When Ziva returned to the bullpen, it wasn't long before Gibbs came down from MTAC. "Gibbs," she stopped him as he passed by her desk, coffee in hand. "Abby left after her appointment. She asked me to tell you that she is going to your house."
"Is she okay?" Gibbs asked, blue eyes concerned.
"She said that she was but... " Ziva hesitated before continuing, torn between her concern for her friend and respecting her wishes. "She looked pale and tired, and was a little shaky. She would not let me drive her home... Gibbs." The last was addressed to his back as Gibbs headed rapidly for the elevator.
TBC