Distance Nightmare 32/37
Chapter 32 - Comparisons
When Gibbs returned home later in the day, he found Abby sitting on the couch with photos spread out on the coffee table. Waving him over for a kiss hello, she gestured to the scattered prints, grinning. "Look what Toby dropped off."
Sitting next to her and flicking through the images, Gibbs recognized shots from Saturday morning in the snow when Tobias and Emily had paid a visit.
"Aren't they great?" said Abby, enthusiastically. "I didn't realize Toby took so many shots. Guess I was too busy being distracted by someone," she threw him a cheeky smile, "or throwing snowballs."
"Some nice ones of Emily." Emily's infectious smile shone out from many of the photos.
"Totally," she agreed. She peered over his shoulder at the ones he was leafing through. "She's beginning to look suddenly grown up… these ones are so cool."
"These ones of Tobias and Emily too," he handed her one of the pair laughing as they threw snowballs. He knew Tobias took every opportunity to take photos when he was with his daughter, wanting to capture as much of her childhood as he could.
"Yeah, he got me to take those," Abby told him, "and then he took the ones of you and Emily… look."
Gibbs wasn't sure he had any photos of himself and Fornell's daughter, and there were some nice shots of them building the snowman. "Are these copies for us?" he asked.
"He left two sets of prints so yeah, these are ours. I'm gonna put some of these up on the walls in my apartment. I especially like this one." She handed him a photo.
It was a shot of him and Abby just after he'd tackled her to the snow covered ground and was helping her up. The happiness on her glowing face as she looked up at him was obvious, as was the smile and unguarded expression on his. If anyone saw them like this, it was no wonder they were guessing he and Abby were a couple… it would be blindingly obvious.
"You take a good photo, Abbs."
"You think so?" she asked, shaking her head.
"Yeah, you're beautiful." He smiled at her, seeing her blush. It always amazed him how modest she was about her looks, how she never thought she was attractive when to him she was breathtaking.
"And you don't?" she countered, mischievously, "I'm swooning just looking at these."
Gibbs snorted at her teasing. Continuing to look through the rest, his hand stilled as he came across a photo of Emily and Abby. She caught onto his sudden stillness and watched his face go blank, a sure sign usually that he was in the grip of some powerful emotion.
Abby looked more closely at the photo that had given him pause, the one Toby had taken early on when she and Emily were sitting on Gibbs' front steps, Emily perched below her as Abby curled her arms around Toby's daughter. They were both laughing, smiling into the camera. It was a terrific photo and one she would treasure.
She watched as Gibbs moved his fingers slowly over the photo, tracing the outline of her face and Emily's, and saw him swallow hard. He looked so moved he seemed unable to speak.
"What's wrong, Jethro?" she asked him, gently, concerned at his sudden change of mood.
He seemed to shake himself from his trance and glanced at her. "It's nothing, it's…" he paused, holding her gaze before he seemed to make a decision, nodding to himself. "Hold on, I just want to show you something, Abbs."
He disappeared into the basement and Abby stayed where she was, left wondering what had unsettled him. When he returned, Gibbs placed a photo on the table, next to the one of her and Emily.
She felt her heart rate increase when she saw what it was.
A photo of Shannon and Kelly sitting in almost the same pose as she and Emily, albeit in summer clothes.
It was one Abby hadn't seen before, but then she'd hadn't seen that many photos of his first wife and daughter. She knew how painful it was for him to talk about them, but over the years he had shown her a few photos. And she'd been touched whenever he did so; it illustrated how much he trusted her to share something so personal and so painful.
"It's my favorite photo," he explained, softly, fingers moving from one photo to the other, gently touching the faces.
Abby could see the resemblance in the pose, if not the features, although Emily did have the same cheeky smile and her facial features were fairly similar to Kelly's.
She suddenly felt the need to apologize for the painful reminder, even if it was accidental. "I'm sorry, Jethro. I didn't realize."
"Hey," he turned to her, concerned. He cupped her face and kissed her softly, trying to reassure her. She had nothing to apologize for… quite the opposite. "No need, Abbs. It's just… similar is all." His sad smile tugged at her heart as he gestured at the photos. "This photo of you and Emily suddenly reminded me of this one, but in a good way. It was a happy day."
"Where was it taken?" she asked, curious, wondering how much he felt like sharing, but not wanting to push him.
"On Kelly's favorite beach. Used to go there camping." His voice was thick with emotion and she slid her arm gently round his back, unsure if he wanted her comfort but relieved when he didn't tense or push her away. Whenever Gibbs talked about them, Abby always felt as if she was walking on eggshells.
Thinking back to Saturday morning, Abby was reminded of the moment when she'd staggered under Emily's weight and passed the girl to Gibbs. She remembered his reaction at the time, he'd suddenly seemed overwhelmed.
At the time, she'd guessed it might be because of a memory of Kelly, but events that afternoon had driven that moment out of her mind, until now. "I'm sorry if that morning with Emily was a painful reminder, Jethro."
"It wasn't painful, Abbs," he shook his head, trying to reassure her.
"When we were standing on the path and I handed her to you, you looked a bit… taken aback," she said, softly.
"It was a good memory… just a bit sudden." She deserved to know that not all his memories of Shannon and Kelly any more were sad ones. That sometimes the happy ones made it through the dark grief. But even the good memories still had such an emotional impact on him that it was sometimes overwhelming.
"Then I'm still sorry… I should have realized how difficult it would be." She rubbed his back gently, and was heartened when he smiled softly at her.
"Nothing to be sorry about. It just took me by surprise… the similarity." He looked off into the distance as if conjuring up the memory again. "A snowy morning with Kelly out front."
"Is Emily very like Kelly?" she asked, tentatively.
"Yeah, the same feisty nature, same sense of mischief and curiosity about everything." Gibbs smiled as he remembered.
Watching Emily grow up, he'd often been struck by how much like Kelly she was. When she was younger, the memories would be almost unbearably painful, and that was perhaps why he hadn't spent as much time with Fornell's daughter. That, and the fact that Diane had never made it easy for him to see Emily, even as Tobias' friend… and latterly, especially as Tobias' friend.
He looked at the woman beside him, remembering once again that it wasn't just Emily that morning who'd reminded him of someone else. It was both of them. "You even said the same thing Shannon did at the time."
Abby remembered her words, 'take her, Jethro,' as she'd handed Emily over. No wonder he'd looked blind sided. "I didn't realize. I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "No need." Not only were Abby's words on Saturday an uncanny echo of Shannon's, but he'd also been winded by depth of his feelings for Abby at that moment… stunned at how 'right' it had been to have both girls in his arms.
He couldn't remember feeling this way since Shannon… only Jenny had come close. He hadn't felt like this about any of his ex-wives… and knew he was an idiot to think that red hair alone would have provided any kind of substitute for his first wife. No one could replace her, and it was about time he stopped trying, and made more of an effort to make the most of a happiness that was right in front of him.
And now Abby was sitting there, concern shining in her green eyes, worried that in some way she'd hurt him with a memory over which she had no control. It was just typical of her warm caring heart.
She'd never pushed him about Shannon and Kelly in the past, just listened quietly whenever he'd spoken of them, simply offering the silent support he needed. Unlike his ex-wives who'd pushed him to 'move on', jealous of his first wife and daughter's permanent place in his heart. Diane had once leveled at him that it was like living in a house full of ghosts.
And now Abby deserved to know how he felt, deserved his honesty if they were going to make this work. He put an arm around her, gathering her close before telling her quietly, "It wasn't just Emily that reminded me of Shannon and Kelly that morning, Abbs. You did…"
She looked up at him, slightly startled. "I did… oh. Did I?" Surely he didn't mean she reminded him of…
"Yeah," he brushed her hair gently off her forehead, stroking her cheek, "you're a lot like Shannon. Same fire, same independence. She wouldn't hesitate to kick my butt if I needed it."
She could hardly swallow past the lump in her throat, feeling her pulse pounding at the intensity in his gaze. "Don't know what to say," she murmured. She reached up to kiss him lightly, sweetly, trying to convey what she felt.
"No need to say anything. Just believe me?" he asked, cupping her cheeks, drinking in her shining eyes and the joy on her face.
Abby nodded, smiling before resting her head against his shoulder and felt him lean his head against hers. "Will you tell me more about them one day."
"Yeah, I'll try." He turned to press a kiss against her hair. He pulled her to sit against the back of the couch and they sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, before he broke it. "How'd it go this morning with Tim?"
"Okay, actually better than I thought it would." She curled into his side, making herself more comfortable. "He's so sweet, so kind and caring and yet I know I was hurting him."
"He's a good man." He reached up to release her pigtails, threading his fingers through her hair as the thick locks tumbled around her shoulders. "Told me to look after you."
"Did he? That's so sweet. I didn't deserve either of you." She relaxed into his touch, snuggling into his side.
"Matter of opinion, Abbs," he said, firmly. It still amazed him what she saw in a cranky old bastard like him.
"Will Tim be alright, do you think?" she asked, uncertainly.
"Yeah, I hope so. Though I'd hate to be in his shoes, to be without you." He'd be in his basement having got through most of a bottle of bourbon by now if he'd had the same 'Dear John' goodbye that Abby had given McGee earlier on.
"I'm nothing special, Jethro," she shook her head, ignoring the skeptical look he threw her way.
"You are, Abbs, that's something else me and Tim would agree on. I'm a lucky bastard, Abbs." He leaned in to kiss her gently before tugging her down to lie along the couch, in what was rapidly becoming a regular evening routine, curled up with Abby in his arms.
She wriggled around to get comfortable, tucking her head into the crook of his neck. "You know, if you wanted to spend the evening in your basement, I wouldn't mind."
"I know." He tightened his arms round her, content to just lie there for now.
That was one of many things he loved about Abby. She didn't seem to mind when he needed his own space and time alone sometimes, unlike his ex-wives. But because she gave him that freedom without comment, he found himself not wanting it so much. And this relationship was still too new for him to want to be away from her too much… especially tonight.
"Not that I'm complaining about you being up here instead of down there, mind you. I love spending the evening cuddled up on the couch with you." She nuzzled into his neck, breathing in his familiar scent.
"I'd rather be with you tonight."
"It's very… domesticated, though if you tell anybody I said that, I'll mess with your coffee," she giggled. "I've got a reputation as a clubbing Goth to protect."
He chuckled. "Your secret's safe with me. So when are you going clubbing again?" He was getting slightly concerned that she hadn't made any moves yet to hook up with her friends, or go clubbing. Not that he minded her undivided attention but it wasn't like her.
He felt her tense slightly. "Soon," she responded, quietly. "I'm in no rush… unless you want rid of me?"
He tilted her chin up so he could see her eyes. "Nope, I'm enjoying having you here."
Abby sighed contentedly, snuggling back down with her head on his chest. "Good, then that's settled. Maybe I could help with the toys again after we eat?"
He nodded. "That'd be good. See if you can get any paint on the wood this time."
"Hey, my painting's neat." She poked him in the ribs and listened to his laugh rumbling below her ear. "You want take-out for dinner? I haven't even thought about it today."
"Yeah, why not? Thai?" he asked.
"Yup, you can order, I'm too comfy." She didn't point out how he could order when she had him virtually pinned to the couch. She giggled as he nearly toppled them to the floor while stretching for his cell phone, and he threw her a mock glare as he ordered their usual.
Lying back down, he pulled her back across his body and got comfortable again. "As I ordered, you can get the door when it arrives."
"And pay presumably? Huh, I knew there'd be a catch." She huffed good naturedly.
After the take-out had been delivered and eaten, they retired to the basement and worked contentedly side by side finishing off more toys for the children's hospital. After a while, Abby suddenly grabbed his wrist to look at his watch. "About now, it'll have been a week."
He might have known the significance of the day hadn't passed her by. It would be a week this evening since she'd been abducted from that car park in LA. "Yeah, I know."
"As if tomorrow isn't gonna be a reminder enough," she frowned, biting her lip.
"You gonna be okay?" It certainly explained how quiet she was tonight. "D'ya want me to wait and drive you in, in the morning?"
She shook her head. "No, Jethro. If I'm going to convince them to let me back to work, I've got to act as normally as possible."
"It's a good theory, Abbs," he pointed out, calmly, "but I imagine they're used to agents putting on a performance so they can get back in the field quickly."
She pointed her paintbrush at him. "And there's the difference, or I hope there's the difference. Surely the requirements for letting me back in my lab aren't quite so strict as the hoops an agent has to jump through to get back out in the field? Although what am I asking you for? You, who took all of a day off when he was shot and who's never been to a psych eval yet."
"Doesn't matter what I think," Gibbs told her. "Just coz I know a psychologist won't help me doesn't mean they might not help you."
"You know I'm not convinced," she sighed. She'd hoped he'd be on her side on this.
"Yeah, I know but you've got to go through it," he reminded her, shrugging. "They've been interviewing the team and Ducky already, and they hauled me in today."
She looked at him, surprised. Would he have mentioned it if she hadn't brought up the subject? "To see if you think I've been affected and if you think I should go back?" He nodded. "I hope Ducky said I'm okay to go back to my babies?"
"Ya think he's convinced of that?" he asked.
"Why shouldn't I be okay to go back?" She put down her brush, and stared at him. "I'm not a field agent. What did you say, or am I not allowed to ask that?"
"I said you were recovering, slowly…" He held his hand up when she started to protest. "It's true, Abbs. Ducky's right and you know he is, you're not gonna recover from this quickly."
Her shoulders slumped and she nodded reluctantly. "I know. But I need to go back to work, you know that. My lab is the equivalent of your basement. It heals me."
"Yeah, I know," he acknowledged and he knew she'd do better if she were there, surrounded by the team. And if he were honest, he'd feel better if she were at NCIS so he could keep an eye on her. "If it's any comfort I said you were needed back there, where you belong, and that we'd been lucky this week not to catch a major case, to show up how slow lab results are without you there."
"Thank you," she acknowledged. She wondered what Ducky had said.
He went on, intent on not sugar coating it for her. "But you've gotta be prepared for them insisting on more sessions."
She pulled a face. "If that's what it takes to get me back in there, then I'll do whatever I have to. As much as I love this house and being here with you, I can't cope with any more enforced sick leave, Jethro. What am I supposed to do when I'm not working except brood about it?" she protested. "I'm better off in my lab working, taking my mind off it."
He walked over and pulled her into a warm hug, trying to offer comfort with his presence. "I know that and you know that, Abbs, but it's not me you have to convince."
TBC