Distance Nightmare 24/37
Chapter 24 - Facing Down Nightmares
With a determined set to her shoulders, Abby went upstairs and into the living room. She set up her laptop and queued the footage while Gibbs poured them both bourbon, settling on the couch beside her, keeping an eye on her body language and expressions.
He wanted desperately to hold her but also wanted to see her face while she watched the footage. It was only by observing her face, her reactions, that he could see how she was coping with it.
Abby threw back her bourbon in one gulp before reaching over and taking his hand, forcing a brief smile. "Ready?"
"Are you ready?" Gibbs wasn't sure who was trying to reassure who as he laced their fingers together.
"Yeah, as I'll ever be." He saw her visibly brace herself, her green eyes shadowed, and take a deep breath before she set the footage rolling.
He watched her face as she viewed it... partly because he wanted to see her reaction but also because he didn't need to see it to know what was happening on the screen; every second was engraved on his mind.
Abby tensed visibly when she saw the Phantom carry her inside and throw her unconscious form on the bed. Her fingers clenched around his, gripping his hand strongly as she watched the killer run his hands over her body, her breathing becoming rapid and shallow. She reached up to touch the spider web tattoo at the same time as the Phantom did exactly the same thing on the screen, shuddering as if still she felt an echo of the killer's hands on her body.
Gibbs watched closely for any sign that this was too much but she was managing to keep her expression fairly blank, which for someone as expressive as Abby spoke volumes. She was clamping down on her reactions... trying to control them. He wasn't sure if that was for his benefit so that he wouldn't see her too upset, or was it a way for her to cope with it?
When the footage reached the last part where the Phantom masturbated over her... by her, Gibbs shifted nearer, feeling her lean slightly against him. He heard the hitch in her breathing and by the end, she was gripping his hand hard enough to bruise.
As the footage ended, Gibbs was puzzled by her quiet and heartfelt, "Thank God." He saw several tears roll down her cheeks and Abby shivered. Dragging her eyes away from the screen, she turned to Gibbs and his heart ached to see such a lost expression on her face.
He tugged her towards him gently and Abby resisted for only a heartbeat before sinking into his embrace, arms going round him, clinging tightly. Gibbs leaned back against the couch, pulling her with him and held her as she sobbed quietly into his neck. He rocked her gently, murmuring soft words of reassurance, wishing he could take away all the pain and anguish. He felt a loathing for the Phantom rising up that threatened to choke him.
Abby leaned into his warmth, drawing comfort from his strong arms and the immense feeling of security he was always able to give her. She felt at her most protected and safe when sheltering within the circle of his arms. She'd never needed him more than at this moment. His presence at her side these last few days, and especially now, was probably the only reason she'd been able to cope with everything, and had been able to face seeing that footage now.
Even now, Abby's stubbornness wouldn't let her cry for too long and her sobs soon subsided. She still held him hard and he stroked his hands up and down her back and over her silky hair, trying to soothe her, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.
After a while, she pulled back to sit upright and scrubbed at her face to wipe away the remnants of her tears. Her vivid green eyes lacked their usual lustre and were shadowed by dark smudges, but she managed to flash him a wan smile.
Gibbs wanted nothing more than to see Abby regain her sparkle, but feared that they might just have taken a step back. There was no point asking her if she was okay because she was obviously not, and she wouldn't thank him for meaningless reassurances, so he waited until she was ready to talk to him.
Her voice was hoarse from her tears when she spoke. "Thank you... for sitting with me while I watched it. I realize how difficult it's been... how you've hated seeing that." She reached for his hand again, brushing a soft kiss over his knuckles. "I'm sorry I had to ask you, make you see it again."
He shook his head. There she was again, thinking of someone else first. "You needed me to, Abbs. That's enough of a reason for me."
"That was..." Abby stopped, her voice failing her. She drew a shaky breath, gathering her courage before continuing, "As horrible as that was, do you know what my overwhelming feeling is right now? It's relief, Gibbs... isn't that weird?"
"No, Abbs." Gibbs kept his tone reassuring. "I think I understand. Is that why you said thank God just now?"
"Yeah. I'd imagined far worse than that, god knows, far, far worse than that... not only for how the semen got onto my clothes but what else might have happened. Having seen it... "Abby paused, swallowing hard as tears welled up again. "It made my flesh crawl to see his hands on me."
Gibbs ran his hand over her cheek and into her hair, cupping the back of her head. "You don't have to talk now, Abbs, if you don't want to. We've got plenty of time."
"No, I want to." Abby protested, vehemently. "I need to get it all out. I don't want to keep going over and over it. I want nothing more than to forget about this. It feels like it's taken over our lives and I hate that." She reached up to trace his jawline gently. "Just let me get it out."
"Okay, Abbs, take your time." He kissed her gently, resting his forehead against hers, trying to reassure her with his presence. He waited until she regained her composure enough to continue.
She nuzzled into his cheek, breathing in his comforting scent, letting it ground her. She straightened and cleared her throat before continuing. "What happened when he had his hands on me, it could have been worse. I know it may not seem like it but think about it, Gibbs. He could have stripped me and then touched me."
Abby felt her stomach roll at the thought. It was what she'd feared the most in a way. She knew that her clothes had to have been still ON when the semen got onto her, but she'd had no idea what had happened other than that; whether, while she was unconscious, he'd stripped her of all her clothes and touched her body then.
The relief that she'd been fully clothed throughout was indescribable. And there was something more... something she hoped Gibbs would understand. She took a deep breath, twisting her hands together. "You realize he could have been on top of me while he was jerking off... actually touching me while he did it."
"I know, Abbs." She could see his eyes looked haunted. She hated what this was doing to him. He didn't deserve any of this.
"That's how I thought the semen got on my clothes... that's what my imagination was telling me. You've no idea what's been rolling through my imagination... " She looked up at him with a wry smile, "seeing that the reality didn't turn out to be close to my worst fears is an enormous relief."
Gibbs pulled her back into his side, wanting to offer comfort but not sure how. She was being so brave.
"Or I could have been conscious while he touched me. Imagine it, Gibbs. Conscious... and unable to move, to fight him off." She felt tears well up again and tried to shake them off, feeling his arm tighten around her in wordless comfort. "I thought it was bad enough that I couldn't fight him when I was in that chair but that... that would have been even worse. He could have done anything he wanted to me then... and I could have done nothing to prevent it."
It was a horror that had lodged in his head too the minute Ziva had planted the seed yesterday. "I understand, Abbs. Ziva said the same thing."
"Ziva's seen it?" Abby looked at him startled, shaken out of her misery for a moment, and he couldn't have bitten his tongue.
"Yeah, she watched it with me yesterday," he told her, warily. "She offered, Abbs... but I was going to ask her anyway. Figured she could help more than me or Ducky but didn't want to ask her. It was the last thing I wanted to do."
"Poor Ziva. I must talk to her... thank her. Oh, Gibbs, will the repercussions from this never end?" She sounded so forlorn, he felt a fresh wave of anger and a sense of helplessness he hated.
"Didn't want to remind her of Somalia any more than Ducky did, but Ziva had already figured out the footage existed, said she wanted to help." Gibbs still felt guilty over exposing Ziva to the video.
"I don't want to stir up memories for her... would do anything to spare her any pain, you know that Gibbs." She looked up at him almost imploringly. "She's such a good friend." She paused. "Who else has seen it?"
"Only Callen and Eric from the LA office, as far as I know, and then just me, Ducky and Ziva," he told her.
Abby winced. "Poor Callen... and Eric." She knew that Callen felt a measure of responsibility for her being abducted, even though she didn't blame him in the slightest. Seeing what she'd gone through would only have made that feeling of guilt even worse. "I ripped Callen a new one earlier, I was so angry. He didn't deserve that either."
"He's a big boy, Abbs, doubt he'll mind," Gibbs pointed out.
"I'll call him, apologize." Abby gazed off into the distance, lost in thought.
"He won't expect it." She needed to think about herself, not be worrying about everybody else.
"Nevertheless, I should," she threw him a brief smile. "And I guess Leon will read the report but whether he'll watch the video..." Abby trailed off.
"I may not always agree with Leon, but I'm guessing he'll respect your privacy, Abbs." He knew how she'd hate the thought of that footage being 'available' like that. "He's no reason to see it, other than perhaps needing to know how much psych help will be recommended." He saw her pull a face at that thought.
She leaned her head against his shoulder for a few minutes, and he chose not to disturb her, letting her set the pace. "And how are you doing?" she asked him eventually. To Abby, that was more important than anything else.
"Me?" he queried. "It's you I'm worried about, Abbs."
"Don't be," she said, trying to deflect him. "I'm more concerned about you." She turned to face him, curling her legs underneath her on the couch, searching his face, seeing how drained he looked. "I'm worried how much of a strain this whole thing has been on you. I'm so sorry to put you through it... " He tried to shush her but she shook his hand off, determined to continue. "And then looking after me... I can't help feeling I've been nothing but a burden to you, to everyone these past few days."
"You're very far from that." Gibbs lifted her hand, entwining their fingers. "I'll do whatever you need me to, Abbs, you should know that by now."
"I know. I can't tell you what a difference that's made. I couldn't have done this... any of it without you." Abby moved closer, resting her head on his shoulder, as she tried to put it into words. "I need time to think about what I've seen... what he did. But now I don't have to battle my own imagination any more. What we've just seen is the very worst of it, not what was rolling around in my head. I'm sure it'll come back to haunt me... it'll probably trigger nightmares again, but that's it." She gestured to the laptop monitor. "It can't get any worse, and it's time to think about how to move past it, accept it."
"You're a very brave woman, Abigail Scuito."
She gave a soft laugh and her smile reached her eyes for the first time. "There aren't many times I'll let you get away with calling me Abigail, Leroy."
"Ducky does." He teased her gently.
"Ducky is Ducky." Her smile faltered. "I was very mean to him, wasn't I?" she asked meekly.
"He's been very worried about ya, and only tried to do what he thought best, Abby. He cares for you like a daughter."
Gibbs was worried at the strain this was putting on his friend. Ducky was one of the strongest men he knew and he faced the horrors of their work every day like they all did, but he knew how much Ducky suffered when it was one of their 'family' who was hurt or upset. He could be a tower of strength to everyone, but that very strength meant that everyone tended to lean too heavily on the Scotsman, perhaps without realizing what it took out of him.
"I know he does. Since my dad died, Ducky's been like a father to me." Ducky was such a comforting presence, full of compassion and wise words, whatever the situation.
"Be pissed at me not him," he told her, wryly.
"I was pissed at you both..." she told him. "That doesn't mean I can't forgive what you both did and then forget about it... as I hope you'll forgive me for losing my temper. I don't want to let it fester. I'm just so tired, Gibbs, tired of this dominating everything we do. I don't want this hovering over us." Her tone was determined. "I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I know I need to deal with it... talk to Ducky and maybe Ziva if it's not too much of a strain on her... get through that blasted psych eval and get cleared to go back to work and then we can start concentrating on us... just on us."
"That's all I've wanted to do all week." Gibbs rested his cheek against her hair. In fact, the whole thing had taken less than a week but felt like much longer.
"I felt so alive this morning and now I feel drained." She closed her eyes and leaned into his neck, enjoying his warmth and closeness.
"You look tired, Abbs." He brushed a kiss against her temple. "Why don't you rest up and I'll fix dinner."
Abby hesitated only briefly before agreeing. She was only too pleased to curl up on the couch, wrapped in the throw, lost in thought but content to watch Gibbs as he cooked steaks on the open fire. She dozed in the comfortable warmth, sipping on the beer he brought her. She hadn't thought she was very hungry but her stomach growled as the aroma of the meat reached her.
They ate dinner in companionable silence, neither feeling the need to talk, even Abby's usual abhorrence for quiet giving way under her tiredness. She felt all talked out but could feel her energy slowly coming back as she ate.
Curling up on the couch together after dinner, Gibbs spooned behind her, burying his nose in her hair, breathing in her scent, letting it soothe him. Abby relaxed into the cradle of his arms, gazing into the flames. She let his warmth seep through her, feeling more settled than she had for days.
Abby broke the silence after a while. "I've been thinking."
"Hmm?" He brushed a kiss to her hair, pulling her back more securely against him.
"I'd like to learn some more self defence..." She wriggled round to face him. "I mean I know some already but I was thinking of asking you and Ziva to teach me more. Learn some crazy ninja skills."
He considered for a moment before nodding. "Good idea, Abbs. We'll start something next week. If we don't catch a case, was gonna schedule some training anyway, try and keep Ziva from killing DiNozzo."
"Thank you. I know it wouldn't have helped me in that parking lot but it's something positive to do. I know I protected myself against Chip but that was just a fluke."
"Nearly lost ya then too." It was another near miss, something that came back to haunt him regularly in his nightmares. "You gonna go to church tomorrow?"
She nodded, sliding her arms round him and burrowing into his chest. "Yeah. I'd like to."
"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, resting his chin on her head.
"I'm tempted to say yes but no, Gibbs. I need to get back to doing things on my own." It would be the first time she'd been alone this week, apart from this afternoon, and she did want some space... not from him, but just to be alone.
He understood all too well. Abby valued her independence and if she was ever going to get back to the normality she craved, then he knew she needed to get back into her routine again. "Back to normal?"
"Yeah, exactly that," confirmed Abby. "It's something I do every Sunday... well, almost every Sunday. I need to stop leaning on you too much as well. I've done that far too much these past few days. I'm not complaining, please don't think that." She looked up at him, hoping she wasn't hurting him by her words but could see nothing but understanding and affection in his gaze. "But you'll soon get tired of me if I lean on you too much, if I'm underfoot all the time." She knew how much he valued his alone time too and didn't want to become a burden.
"Am I being an over protective candy ass?" He echoed words a lawyer had used years ago during the Mikel Mawer case, another time she'd been in danger.
She smiled. "That wouldn't be how I'd describe your gorgeous ass but maybe a little bit."
"Can't help it." He struggled to express himself. "I want... need to protect you... always have, even before you became mine to protect."
She swallowed past the sudden lump in her throat at his words. "And I know it's partly coz of the scare this week... and I love how you make me feel safe but..." She trailed off, not wanting to hurt him.
"Give you some space?" He finished for her, brushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
"Yeah, just a little," she told him, leaning into his touch, relieved he understood.
"Okay, I'll try," he promised.
They lay quietly together for a while longer, both enjoying the peace and each other's nearness. Abby could feel herself drifting off to sleep in his arms and kept fighting yawns, her exhaustion settling round her like a cloak. She knew if they fell asleep on his couch, both their backs would suffer by the morning. She eventually dragged herself off the couch and reached out her hand. "Come to bed."
TBC