Distance Nightmare 23/37
Chapter 23 - Calming Down
Ducky watched his friend as he slumped on the couch, the worry evident on Gibbs' face. Handing him a coffee, he sat down next to him. "She'll be fine, Jethro. She just needs time to calm down." Ducky hoped he sounded more confident than he felt at the moment.
"I know, Duck." Gibbs rubbed his hand over his hair, feeling the stresses of the past few days catching up with him. But he knew Abby's temper was hot to flare and quick to cool. He and Ducky just happened to be in the firing line when it exploded now, and justifiably so given they were guilty of everything she'd just accused them of, even if it was done in her best interests and out of love for her.
"Although I don't think I helped matters by snapping at her either, I'm sorry, Jethro," acknowledged Ducky, regretting that comment about her reaction. Even if he'd thought it, he shouldn't have flung it back at her like that… at least not then. It certainly hadn't helped in calming the situation, and had only made matters worse. "Abigail has a healthy temper that rivals yours at times and it's easily ignited."
Gibbs knew that all too well. "She's understandably pissed that we kept it from her."
"Yes, I know," sighed Ducky, wishing he could rewind the clock and think this through again before it had got to this stage. "I suggest we leave her to calm down for a bit. Give her however long she needs."
"She'll come down when she's ready, Duck. There's no point trying to push her. She'll only retreat even further if we do." Gibbs was angry with Abby that she'd taken her temper out on Ducky. He was worried about the strain his friend was under. Ducky didn't need to be caught in the middle of this. It was bad enough he'd seen the footage and would have to live with those images, in the same way Gibbs would.
"I think we'd all get defensive in similar circumstances, Jethro. What rotten timing…" said Ducky, his tone full of regret. "although I can't help wondering if we misjudged things too. Even if she hadn't rung Callen just now, she might have reacted the same way when she knew we'd kept it from her since yesterday."
"Yeah, ringing Callen just brought it to a head, I reckon," agreed Gibbs before asking. "What about the footage? D'ya want me to try to stop her seeing it?"
Ducky shook his head. "No, Jethro, this time I don't think we can. As tempting as it might be, given how we both want to protect her, do you really think she'll settle for not seeing it… especially now?"
Gibbs shook his head, resigned. "No."
"No, nor me." Ducky agreed. "I fear we'll do more damage to her trust in us if we try to stop her now. I think she's got enough stress to cope with," Ducky looked over at Gibbs, seeing how tired he looked compared to when he'd arrived not that long ago. "And so have you, my friend. The best we can do now is try and salvage the situation, do what we were going to do today anyway and support her through it."
Gibbs didn't like it but recognized the futility of protesting. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Although I doubt she'll want to see me when she comes down." Ducky sounded apologetic.
Gibbs threw him a look, concerned. "It's me she's really pissed at, Duck."
Ducky knew Gibbs was just trying to divert the blame onto himself, as he usually did. "Maybe, but she's also mad at me. I spoke with her at length yesterday, Jethro. I wasn't unaware of how she felt about the footage and I had the perfect opportunity to talk to her about it. Instead, I just deflected her comments about it."
"I knew what it meant to her too, Ducky, and Ziva tried to warn me too."
"The irony is that I do see Abby as a child… my child. I've loved her like the daughter life never allowed me to have," Ducky sounded wistful, "and that perhaps makes me more protective of her than I should be. It stops me seeing the situation objectively."
"You're not the only one, Duck. I can't do anything else but want to protect her." It had been his instinct from the time they'd been friends and wasn't likely to lessen now. The whole thing was a mess and Gibbs wasn't sure it was going to be easily fixable. Seeing the strain on his friend's face, Gibbs squeezed his shoulder. "Come on, Duck, don't torture yourself. Keep me company for a bit."
Heading down to the basement, Gibbs broke out the bourbon. Ducky followed, feeling every one of his years. He settled on a stool, sipping his drink thoughtfully, going back over the events of the past few days, wondering how he could have handled it differently. He shook his head, ruefully. Hindsight was a wonderful thing…
Gibbs was lost in his own thoughts, more worried than he cared to admit that he'd destroyed Abby's trust in him, and what it might mean for their relationship now. He grabbed onto his usual method of settling his mind, using working with wood to calm and centre himself. Toys for the children's hospital at least had a deadline, which was a good idea to keep him focused.
He could see Ducky was deep in thought and Gibbs was at a loss how best to comfort his friend. Gibbs poured them both another shot and pushed some finished toys towards Ducky, along with a paint brush, nodding at the paint pots on the work bench. Smiling briefly at him, Ducky recognized the attempt to distract him, and picked up the paint, game to try anything at the moment in his worry.
As they worked, both men listened for any sound from above which would indicate Abby had returned downstairs. But they heard nothing. Eventually both of them stopped glancing up at every creak in the house. They spent a quiet companionable couple of hours and a good half of the bottle had disappeared before Gibbs eventually heard movement upstairs.
Seeing Gibbs look towards the stairs, his hearing not as acute as the Marine's, Ducky asked, "Is that…?"
"Yeah, I think so, but let her come to us, Duck." Gibbs resisted the urge to race upstairs. Abby wouldn't thank him for pressuring her. She had to be the one ready to talk… to come to them.
He could hear her moving about in the kitchen and it was only a short time later that Gibbs sensed Abby appear at the top of the steps. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she descended, carrying two mugs. Ducky paused in his painting, keeping a close eye on her as she approached.
Abby placed a mug of tea by Ducky and then put Gibbs' coffee mug on the workbench by him. She retreated only a few feet towards the stairs and stood fidgeting with her hands, head down, avoiding eye contact with them both.
Gibbs ached to reach out to her but wasn't sure if she'd welcome it.
Abby remained standing there for a few moments longer and then turned to walk straight into his arms.
Gibbs felt relief wash over him and wrapped both arms around her in a tight hug, breathing out her name. She clung to him. He could infuse so much meaning into the simple saying of her name.
He buried his face in her neck, letting her scent wash over him. If she was letting him touch her, then perhaps things were salvageable after all. Abby had always thrived on physical contact and it was only when she was really pissed or upset, that she refused to be touched at all by anyone. When they were only friends, that was the way she always coped and he doubted that would change now they were lovers.
Ducky watched the pair of them, feeling his own relief bubble up. If he'd been in any doubt as to the change in their relationship, it vanished at the sight in front of him. He wasn't sure who was clinging more tightly to the other, but the fact that Jethro was willing to show such a depth of physical affection in front of him spoke volumes.
Abby pulled back slightly, reaching out her hand, but not relinquishing her hold on Gibbs and beckoned him over. "Ducky."
Ducky took her hand and she tugged him into the hug, wrapping an arm around him. Ducky kissed her cheek, returning the hug. Gibbs rested his arm over Ducky's shoulder. They stood there, almost in a protective huddle for some minutes.
"I'm so very sorry. I didn't mean those hurtful things I said to both of you." Abby's voice sounded small, muffled against the two of them. She raised her head to look at them both and they saw the strain evident on her face, the red-rimmed eyes which showed she'd been crying.
Ducky's tone was reassuring and he brushed her hair back from her face with a tender hand. He hated to see Abby upset as much as Gibbs did. "You've nothing to apologize for, Abby. We should also be apologizing to you."
Abby shook her head. "We all said things in the heat of the moment. I bitterly regret what I said to both of you… I wouldn't willingly hurt either of you for anything, you must believe that." She paused, glancing between the two of them. "Are you mad at me?"
"Not at all, my dear." Ducky shook his head, squeezing her hand, pleased she was at least willing to talk to them.
"We all said too much, Abbs, things we shouldn't have." Gibbs wanted to reach out and wipe those tear tracks from her face. She'd looked so happy this morning… almost glowing and now she looked exhausted again.
Abby backed away slightly to lean against the workbench, crossing her arms, needing some distance from their presence, however comforting it was, in order to thrash this out with them both. "I just... it just overwhelmed me. I was so angry with you both. I really thought I'd made you both understand how important it is for me to know what happened to me. I thought Callen understood too... guess I was wrong about that too. And when I found out you knew, had known since yesterday, I felt..." Abby trailed off.
Ducky finished her thought. "Betrayed. You felt we'd lied to you, which technically we did, Abby, but..."
Abby interrupted, her voice hoarse. "I know it was for the best of intentions, Ducky, but I trusted both of you to be honest with me. I needed you to be honest with me. My rule no. 1 remember? Never lie to Abby."
"I know. We shoulda told you yesterday," Gibbs reluctantly conceded.
"Yeah, you should." Her voice getting stronger as she was determined to get this all out in the open with the pair of them. "What did you think I was gonna do, huh? Grab the footage from you yesterday and run off with it there and then?" She looked from one to the other, seeing their hesitation. "Did you really think I'd have done that, without even listening to you both first? Or were you so busy trying to stop me seeing the footage at all that you didn't stop to think about that part of it?" That was the crux of it, as far as she was concerned.
Gibbs exchanged glances with Ducky. She was right. They'd both been so caught up in the 'should she or shouldn't she', trying to think of ways to stop her, that they hadn't thought of the practicalities. They hadn't given her the benefit of the doubt, hadn't trusted her to handle even the news of the arrival of the footage sensibly.
They'd treated her like a hysterical female who would fall apart at the first sign of stress, and that was hardly fair... Gibbs could see that now. While Abby might be emotional, she was hardly innocent or a fool.. at the very least, she deserved the courtesy of being listened to and they'd both ignored her.
Sensing she'd struck a point with both of them, Abby continued. "If you'd told me, I'd have listened to you... listened to you both. You must know by now how much I trust you both... how much your opinion means to me, especially Ducky in a situation like this. We could have all talked it through sensibly and then we could have worked out what was for the best."
"You've clearly given this a great deal of thought, Abby." Ducky was impressed, despite himself, at her reasoning but angry with himself that he hadn't taken into account how her analytical mind would approach this. Whatever her terror, the stress she'd been under, the strain of the past few days, Abby thought like a scientist... she always had and always would.
Abby huffed a rueful laugh. "I've had nothing but time to think these past few days, Ducky, and especially just now." She'd spent the afternoon lying on the bed, crying a little, getting it out of her system, listening to music on her iPod and thinking... doing a lot of thinking.
"We were just trying to protect you, Abbs," explained Gibbs, although it sounded lame even to his own ears.
Abby smiled wryly at him. "You can't protect me from everything, Gibbs. You've got to trust me sometimes to be able to make my own difficult decisions. Did you really think I'd grab that footage and rush off instantly to see it? That I really wouldn't wait to listen to what you and Ducky had to say? You don't think much of my judgement if you think that." She sounded disappointed more than anything and that hit Gibbs harder than her anger.
"We clearly didn't think it through." Ducky berated himself inwardly. He didn't think it was as simple as Abby was painting it but her words had struck a chord. He couldn't imagine her grabbing the footage and running off in hysterics insisting she saw it then, she was right about that. Why hadn't they thought about that?
"Is that why you came over here this afternoon, Ducky, rather than just checking up on how I was?" She could see how tired her friend was and bitterly regretted adding to that strain. She wanted nothing more than this whole thing behind her... behind them all.
"Yes, Abby," confirmed Ducky. "I should have realized that that excuse would be fairly transparent."
"We screwed up, Abbs," admitted Gibbs, reaching for her hand, grateful when she allowed him to take it.
Having made her point, Abby wasn't about to let it fester. She was so tired of arguing. "We all did. We all said too much. I'm still pissed at both of you, but I'd like to put it behind us." Abby looked at both of them in turn, seeing Ducky nod in agreement. She took a deep breath, wanting to move this on. She felt like she'd been going round in circles for days. "I've also made up my mind up."
"Figured as much." Gibbs recognized that determined expression, and the body language that went with it.
Her tone was firm. "I want to watch it today... and it might as well be now. Get it out of the way."
"If you're sure, Abby?" Ducky felt he had to ask one last time, even though he knew her answer.
"Yes, I'm sure, never been surer of anything. Do either of you realize what images my imagination has been feeding me over the past few days? How much of a strain that's been?" she asked them, quietly.
Gibbs was struck by the uncanny echo to what Ziva had said to him yesterday. Abby continued, "I hate to pull the 'you won't understand because you're not a woman' card but there's a certain amount of truth in that."
"I think we're beginning to realize that, Abby." Ducky's tone was sympathetic. "I'm sorry if it appears we didn't before. But you mustn't underestimate how much of a strain this is going to be on you. You can't just see it and be able to immediately put it behind you."
"I know that, Ducky." She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him. They were still treating her as if she hadn't thought this through. She'd thought of nothing else these past few days. "I know that's not the end of it by any means. I know it'll probably trigger more nightmares and will probably haunt me for a long time to come, but I need to see it, know what he did, try to accept it and then move on... if I can."
"I think we get it now, Abbs." Gibbs exchanged glances with Ducky, seeing the older man looking at Abby almost with pride.
"Is the footage here?" she asked, tentatively.
Gibbs opened the drawer in the workbench and removed the flash drive from where he'd hidden it yesterday. Abby took it from him, turning it over in her hand. She looked up at him, surprising him with her next question. "Will you watch it with me?"
Gibbs reached out to brush his fingers down her jaw line, relieved beyond measure that she wasn't going to shut him out of this step either, however painful it might be for both of them. "You know I will, if that's what you want."
"You've seen it, haven't you, both of you?" Abby enquired, although she was sure of the answer.
Gibbs nodded. "Yeah, Abbs, yesterday and so did Ducky."
She saw the flash of pain that went across his face. "And you both had that burden on your shoulders all yesterday evening and this morning." She surprised them both again with her first concern being for them and not anger that they'd watched it first.
Ducky approached, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. "Don't be concerned about us, Abby. It's you we need to look after."
"But I do worry about you both. I know what a strain this has been for you... for everyone. You've no idea how much I want to forget about this." Abby reached up to cover his hand and drew a deep breath. "And now, Ducky, I'd like to talk to Jethro alone please, if that's okay?"
Ducky glanced over at Gibbs, surprised at the change of subject. "Of course, Abby. It's time I was going anyway."
"You don't have to leave, Ducky. I... we just need a few minutes alone," protested Abby. She felt guilty for driving Ducky away so soon after he'd made the difficult journey in the snow, and all for her benefit. She could see how tired her friend was, knowing that she was the cause of it.
"No, Abby, it's fine. I have some things to do and you clearly have things to talk about." In truth, Ducky was tired. The past few days had been a great strain and he felt the need for some peace and quiet of his own, in his own house.
"You will still come to dinner tomorrow, Ducky, won't you?" questioned Abby, worried she'd ruined that too. "I was going to cook your favorite chicken gumbo."
Ducky smiled. "Sounds delicious, you know what a fan I am of your cooking. I'll bring the wine. I'm looking forward to it, Abby."
Gibbs spoke up. "Want a lift home, Duck."
"No, Jethro. I'll take a cab, the same way I got here and besides, you've had too much bourbon... as have I." Ducky raised his glass and drained the last of it. Abby hugged Ducky tightly and he kissed her cheek before heading upstairs.
Gibbs watched her face as she watched Ducky leave, trying to read her mood. Her body language wasn't angry at least but she did look uncertain and nervous. He couldn't help a sense of dread form that he wasn't out of the woods yet, that her need to talk to him alone didn't bode well. Before she could say anything, he cut in. "Abbs, have I screwed this... us... up too?"
She looked genuinely startled. "What? Oh God, no, Gibbs." She walked back into his arms again immediately, sliding her arms round his waist. "You didn't think that, did you?" His arms tightening around her told her that's exactly what he thought.
"Wondered if I had. It's the one thing I'm good at... screwing up." He nuzzled into her neck, drinking in her presence, still wary. If that wasn't what she wanted to talk to him about, what was it?
"Well, you haven't. You couldn't screw us up, Jethro." She ran her hands up across his broad back. "You didn't think a flare up like this would do us any real damage, did you?" Abby leaned back to search his eyes, her own widening when she saw their expression. "Oh my god, you did."
"Thought so... after earlier," was his honest response.
"Well, you can unthink it." Abby needed to talk to him but hadn't bargained on this uncertainty from him first. She continued, trying to be reassuring, "With our tempers, I imagine our fights are going to spectacular but that's not gonna change the fact that I love you, you idiot."
He cupped his hands round her face and kissed her, keeping it slow, gentle and teasing, trying to show her how he felt through his actions.
Abby pulled away when air became a necessity rather than a request and rested her forehead against his, trying to gather her wits about her from the distraction of how he tasted, how he felt against her. "That wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about though. I need you to just answer me one thing, Jethro."
Her question when it came stunned him. "Please tell me last night wasn't some sympathy fuck."
Oh, God, did she really think that?
"No, Abbs, never," he protested. Gibbs wasn't sure how to reassure her, settling for pulling her back into his arms, relieved when she didn't resist but wrapped her arms round him, snuggling into his chest.
"Coz I'm not sure I could cope if it was." Her voice sounded small and uncertain. She regretted having to ask him. Abby knew it was not his style but once the thought had struck her, she had trouble letting it go.
"Why would you think that?" He pulled back, sliding his hands into her hair and holding her gaze, trying to convey the truth with his hands and voice. "I wanted you, Abbs. Wanted to forget everything, shut everyone out so it was just us... still do."
Abby hesitated, searching his eyes but seeing only his sincerity, reassured that he was telling her the truth. She nodded, her mind made up. "Then let's get this over with. Stop this guy's hold over me... over us, for once and for all."