(no subject)
in the sink lies evidence of my sins. an aqua pack. how far have i fallen. i wash it out so that i may put yerba mate in it, but I've never taken a stand based on hippy shit, i've stood against water packs. the thing is. you need water. you also need a break. if you have to take a sip of water, take a fucking break. else go balls to the wall until you reach the next mountain stream and then sit your ass down in the middle of it and drink that bever fever ridden water down into your fucking soul. stand the fuck back up, and get down the trail. if i fall ill, i needed it. this is the 21st fucking century, i'm not going to fucking die of dysentery on the god damn oregon trail.
yet there it is. what's worse is it's a prototype for the army that i bought off of a sales rep from my work an age ago before he woke up and left this wasteland of once cool shit behind. but i have it. i know, i know, i did the all franken thing. he couldn't write a book called 'rush limbaugh is a big fat idiot', without actually sitting his ass down and taking in some of rush's output, but still. like all before me, i'm still a fucking traitor. a tourist, not a purist.
the only real solution here is to get rid of it. it's not all that convenient. sure. it's a water pack, it has it's little tube and you have to wash it just like you do any other water bottle, but that's not the point. it's the principal of the thing., it's for yuppie moron trial runners who consist on power bars and have absolutely no idea how to survive beyond the comforting river of pavement for more than a limited hours. people who buy a dog because it's rated for 8-10 mile trails. RATED! A FUCKING DOG! jesus christ what is the world coming to. if the dog dies? LEAVE IT BEHIND@!!~!!! fido will be there after you've turned around god damnit, trust me. everyone who's hiked a trial with a mutt that had to tag the peak when the dog was tired who pushed on and then returned to find the fucker, tongue lolling , in the shade knows what a dog will do. it waits. that's it. it's not like the fucker will wander off into the jaws of the first predator it can find. contrary to every breeder who wants to see if their significant other can take care of a small needy thing and buys an idiotically tiny dog to 'train' them, a dog has can gather a few scraps of common sense about it and hang loose. larval humans who can barely crawl are a SEPARATE FUCKING BEAST, DON'T BE FOOLED!
so i've got a fucking water-pack. fuck this shit. i'm going to use it one last time. after all, it's here, but the pack is so fucking useless that i can barely fit a few peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in it. yup. since my time began it doesn't matter what you think you need for a trail, if you're going hiking with me and you've never been, take 4 pb&j sandwiches and 2 things of water. you're covered. hell, most of the time you'll be hard pressed to finish 2 fucking sandwiches. that's it. you've got all you need. try it. you don't need to buy a fucking chicken and pesto fucking pannini, or pre-built baguette from the local. you don't need to buy an nrg drink, a sobe, specialized power or restorative vitimin waters. FUCK ALL THAT SHIT. you want liquid? bring water. you want to be revitalized? eat a banana. bananas hold potassium and a multitude of other necessary nutrients that will jazz a sore body so much better than a tainted bottle of water with a pr campaign than you'd ever fucking imagine. srsly. just don't hang out near a swamp, cuz bugs will eat your shit. you'll b sweating out exactly what they like.
this power bar and aquifir idiocy that has gripped the back country brethren since the 90's hiking fad shifted to y2k ultra-light follow up-fad is a travesty. it's a travesty of ignorance and advertizing. it gives you a .0002 percent increase in efficiency or what the fuck ever over the standard hiking foods? well WHOOPTY FUCKING DO. OH MY GOD KLATU JUST CAME FROM THE SKIES AND GAVE ME THE KEYS TO THE BACK COUNTRY, IT'S CONTAINED IN THIS ENERGY GOO! YES! I'M RIGHT! I CAN BE MORE EFFICIENT THAN YOU (if i ever get off my ass and actually train my wussy, morose musculature for something other than trudging a few flaccid feet in the rain) look at me go! i'm eating a powerbar and a vitimin water 'restore' so i can trudge through this city-mist that makes real weather look like it's a slumbering rain forest overdosing on russian quaeludes!!!! can you pass the pipe? it's 420 and the clouds haven't gotten their hit yet, if we just keep them from even *thinking* about misering up a single drop then i can lightly tiptoe a quarter mile without even breaking a sweat and carrying my aquafir of sobe power and fucking mountainbars down to the local reclaimed city park! don't look now ma! i'm hardcore! can you see me? that's right bitches, you can feel me, you can't even drive in the snow! you can't touch me! i'm walking on *pavement*! NOT EVEN MARY POPPINS CAN TOP THIS SHIT, THAT CUNT WITH HER FL0ATING UNBRELLA NEVER KEPT IT *REAL* I'M ON THE *GROUND* NOW BITCHES, AND WALKING DOWN HILL HAS NEVER BEEN THIS INTENSE.
... i have seriously got to get rid of this thing.
yet there it is. what's worse is it's a prototype for the army that i bought off of a sales rep from my work an age ago before he woke up and left this wasteland of once cool shit behind. but i have it. i know, i know, i did the all franken thing. he couldn't write a book called 'rush limbaugh is a big fat idiot', without actually sitting his ass down and taking in some of rush's output, but still. like all before me, i'm still a fucking traitor. a tourist, not a purist.
the only real solution here is to get rid of it. it's not all that convenient. sure. it's a water pack, it has it's little tube and you have to wash it just like you do any other water bottle, but that's not the point. it's the principal of the thing., it's for yuppie moron trial runners who consist on power bars and have absolutely no idea how to survive beyond the comforting river of pavement for more than a limited hours. people who buy a dog because it's rated for 8-10 mile trails. RATED! A FUCKING DOG! jesus christ what is the world coming to. if the dog dies? LEAVE IT BEHIND@!!~!!! fido will be there after you've turned around god damnit, trust me. everyone who's hiked a trial with a mutt that had to tag the peak when the dog was tired who pushed on and then returned to find the fucker, tongue lolling , in the shade knows what a dog will do. it waits. that's it. it's not like the fucker will wander off into the jaws of the first predator it can find. contrary to every breeder who wants to see if their significant other can take care of a small needy thing and buys an idiotically tiny dog to 'train' them, a dog has can gather a few scraps of common sense about it and hang loose. larval humans who can barely crawl are a SEPARATE FUCKING BEAST, DON'T BE FOOLED!
so i've got a fucking water-pack. fuck this shit. i'm going to use it one last time. after all, it's here, but the pack is so fucking useless that i can barely fit a few peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in it. yup. since my time began it doesn't matter what you think you need for a trail, if you're going hiking with me and you've never been, take 4 pb&j sandwiches and 2 things of water. you're covered. hell, most of the time you'll be hard pressed to finish 2 fucking sandwiches. that's it. you've got all you need. try it. you don't need to buy a fucking chicken and pesto fucking pannini, or pre-built baguette from the local. you don't need to buy an nrg drink, a sobe, specialized power or restorative vitimin waters. FUCK ALL THAT SHIT. you want liquid? bring water. you want to be revitalized? eat a banana. bananas hold potassium and a multitude of other necessary nutrients that will jazz a sore body so much better than a tainted bottle of water with a pr campaign than you'd ever fucking imagine. srsly. just don't hang out near a swamp, cuz bugs will eat your shit. you'll b sweating out exactly what they like.
this power bar and aquifir idiocy that has gripped the back country brethren since the 90's hiking fad shifted to y2k ultra-light follow up-fad is a travesty. it's a travesty of ignorance and advertizing. it gives you a .0002 percent increase in efficiency or what the fuck ever over the standard hiking foods? well WHOOPTY FUCKING DO. OH MY GOD KLATU JUST CAME FROM THE SKIES AND GAVE ME THE KEYS TO THE BACK COUNTRY, IT'S CONTAINED IN THIS ENERGY GOO! YES! I'M RIGHT! I CAN BE MORE EFFICIENT THAN YOU (if i ever get off my ass and actually train my wussy, morose musculature for something other than trudging a few flaccid feet in the rain) look at me go! i'm eating a powerbar and a vitimin water 'restore' so i can trudge through this city-mist that makes real weather look like it's a slumbering rain forest overdosing on russian quaeludes!!!! can you pass the pipe? it's 420 and the clouds haven't gotten their hit yet, if we just keep them from even *thinking* about misering up a single drop then i can lightly tiptoe a quarter mile without even breaking a sweat and carrying my aquafir of sobe power and fucking mountainbars down to the local reclaimed city park! don't look now ma! i'm hardcore! can you see me? that's right bitches, you can feel me, you can't even drive in the snow! you can't touch me! i'm walking on *pavement*! NOT EVEN MARY POPPINS CAN TOP THIS SHIT, THAT CUNT WITH HER FL0ATING UNBRELLA NEVER KEPT IT *REAL* I'M ON THE *GROUND* NOW BITCHES, AND WALKING DOWN HILL HAS NEVER BEEN THIS INTENSE.
... i have seriously got to get rid of this thing.