rant - stationary bikes
ok. what the hell was that?!?!?!?!?
here i am, wandering out of the gym. my usual cardio work out boosted up a notch because i kicked my usual 160 heart rate @ 20 min up to a 30 min and during cooldown, instead of slowing from 60 to 45 rev's i spun it up to 70 for 5 minutes. beauty routine, i burned 2x as many calories as the 20 min workout.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE STATIONARY BIKES???!?!1111! I'm walking out of golds, about to hit the stairs and i look up and there's this... phalanx, this golden triangle of interleaved stationary bikes in the room behind the glass and at the head is ANOTHER guy on a fucking *pedestal* facing them barking out orders like a drill sargent.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE STATIONARY BIKES!?!?!? HUH?!?!?!?! WHAT IS HE SOME VASTLLY KNOWLEDGEABLE STATIONARY BIKE GOD???? oooooooooh yes! i can see it now! if i get over there and am a good little stationary bike peon i may be able to lead my OWN phalanx of stationary bike minions! yesss!!!!!!!! it's the ultimate in work out progression.
1. in the gym
2. on a rhythm
3. find an area
4. apprentice to the learned master
5. master the art of gerbility
6. become the GOD of gerbil peons!!!
here i come ma! i can see it now! you'll be proud of me, i'm going to worship the stationary bike god! it's the new black! everyone's doing it, come on! join the ranks of the converted and saved! never fear death again, for the STATIONARY BIKE GOD WILL SAVE YOU!!!
and then we'll all graduate you see, somehow, this is leading into some bizarre occult ritual. we'll all position our bikes in some arcane candle lit circle that looks like a jewish sweat kabbalah, and we'll spin ourselves into a zen state of perfect fat burning ecstasy!!! naked virgins will refill our gaitoraide and the trance of nonthought as 10 masters of the stationary bike theorem will lift their heads emerging into a perfect void of pure now!
the shadowy flickering outer edges of the room room will be circled by 20 naked men and 20 naked women going in opposing lunge in circles around and our comittment to the eternal union of the stationary bike mastery will open the gateway of daath and THE SPIRIT OF JIM FIX WILL BE UPON US. HE WILL BE SUMMONED THROUGH THE MIST OF OUR SWEAT AND BE REBORN AS A HERMAPHRODIC HIGH PRIESTESS! OH THE HORROR!! THE HORROR!
THE BEAST OF FITNESS WORLD, THE MERGING OF THE SEXES A TRUE UBERGOD IN ALL THE YIN-YANG, MALE-FEMALE, TRANSCENWEATGLAND GLORY OF FITNESS POWER!!! THE STATIONARY BIKE GODS WILL BE HIS HIGH PRIESTS WITH A LUNGING CIRLCE AT HIS LEFT AND A LUNGING CIRCLE AT HIS RIGHT! HE WILL COME UPON AMERICA AND CRY WAKE UP YOU FLABBY BASTARDS! THE TIME HAS COME TO SEPERATE THE FLAB FROM THE FLESH!!!! THE ENDOMORPHS WILL LIE DOWN WITH THE ECTOMORPHS! LET SLIP THE FOUR PHYSICAL TRAINERS OF THE APOCOLYPSE TRAINER OF PAIN, TRAINER OF BEATINGS, TRAINER OF ACTIVE RECOVERY, AND TRAINER OF NUTRITIONAL SUPPLIMENTS
AND THEY WILL COME UPON THE LAND AND LAY WASTE TO THE FLABBENED. THEY WILL TURN YOUR FORKS TO ASH AND YOUR KNIVES WILL NEVER BE SHARP AGAIN! THE NATION WILL MOAN, WAIL AND THERE WILL BE A GRINDING AND GNASHING OF TEETH.
pray we can stop the stationary bike phalanx breathern. pray it is not too late. their unchecked rapture could bring ruin to us all...
here i am, wandering out of the gym. my usual cardio work out boosted up a notch because i kicked my usual 160 heart rate @ 20 min up to a 30 min and during cooldown, instead of slowing from 60 to 45 rev's i spun it up to 70 for 5 minutes. beauty routine, i burned 2x as many calories as the 20 min workout.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE STATIONARY BIKES???!?!1111! I'm walking out of golds, about to hit the stairs and i look up and there's this... phalanx, this golden triangle of interleaved stationary bikes in the room behind the glass and at the head is ANOTHER guy on a fucking *pedestal* facing them barking out orders like a drill sargent.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE STATIONARY BIKES!?!?!? HUH?!?!?!?! WHAT IS HE SOME VASTLLY KNOWLEDGEABLE STATIONARY BIKE GOD???? oooooooooh yes! i can see it now! if i get over there and am a good little stationary bike peon i may be able to lead my OWN phalanx of stationary bike minions! yesss!!!!!!!! it's the ultimate in work out progression.
1. in the gym
2. on a rhythm
3. find an area
4. apprentice to the learned master
5. master the art of gerbility
6. become the GOD of gerbil peons!!!
here i come ma! i can see it now! you'll be proud of me, i'm going to worship the stationary bike god! it's the new black! everyone's doing it, come on! join the ranks of the converted and saved! never fear death again, for the STATIONARY BIKE GOD WILL SAVE YOU!!!
and then we'll all graduate you see, somehow, this is leading into some bizarre occult ritual. we'll all position our bikes in some arcane candle lit circle that looks like a jewish sweat kabbalah, and we'll spin ourselves into a zen state of perfect fat burning ecstasy!!! naked virgins will refill our gaitoraide and the trance of nonthought as 10 masters of the stationary bike theorem will lift their heads emerging into a perfect void of pure now!
the shadowy flickering outer edges of the room room will be circled by 20 naked men and 20 naked women going in opposing lunge in circles around and our comittment to the eternal union of the stationary bike mastery will open the gateway of daath and THE SPIRIT OF JIM FIX WILL BE UPON US. HE WILL BE SUMMONED THROUGH THE MIST OF OUR SWEAT AND BE REBORN AS A HERMAPHRODIC HIGH PRIESTESS! OH THE HORROR!! THE HORROR!
THE BEAST OF FITNESS WORLD, THE MERGING OF THE SEXES A TRUE UBERGOD IN ALL THE YIN-YANG, MALE-FEMALE, TRANSCENWEATGLAND GLORY OF FITNESS POWER!!! THE STATIONARY BIKE GODS WILL BE HIS HIGH PRIESTS WITH A LUNGING CIRLCE AT HIS LEFT AND A LUNGING CIRCLE AT HIS RIGHT! HE WILL COME UPON AMERICA AND CRY WAKE UP YOU FLABBY BASTARDS! THE TIME HAS COME TO SEPERATE THE FLAB FROM THE FLESH!!!! THE ENDOMORPHS WILL LIE DOWN WITH THE ECTOMORPHS! LET SLIP THE FOUR PHYSICAL TRAINERS OF THE APOCOLYPSE TRAINER OF PAIN, TRAINER OF BEATINGS, TRAINER OF ACTIVE RECOVERY, AND TRAINER OF NUTRITIONAL SUPPLIMENTS
AND THEY WILL COME UPON THE LAND AND LAY WASTE TO THE FLABBENED. THEY WILL TURN YOUR FORKS TO ASH AND YOUR KNIVES WILL NEVER BE SHARP AGAIN! THE NATION WILL MOAN, WAIL AND THERE WILL BE A GRINDING AND GNASHING OF TEETH.
pray we can stop the stationary bike phalanx breathern. pray it is not too late. their unchecked rapture could bring ruin to us all...