Beauty in the Breakdown
Jay is currently in the austin state hospital.
He has called me a few times, wanting me to help him escape or to come see him, and bring the puppy.
I want to, badly, but keep being told that I should wait, that I need to let him calm down and protect myself.
It's so strange when I'm being told that I need to protect myself (physically, by changing my locks, or mentally, by practicing avoidance) from my best friend, the person whom I could tell anything without worry.
But still, I hope he doesn't remember doing any of the things he did to my apartment. The dishwasher was filled with an entire bottle of dish soap (among other things), so it started foaming when I tried to clean the dishes that had piled up. All of my cleaning supplies had been emptied. So many things were empty. Maple Syrup, Honey, bottles of liquor, bottles of medication, nothing made any sense. My shoes were arranged into left and rights, A can of shaving cream exploded on the porch, trash everywhere, surgical tape all over my cabinets, empty bullet casings and rings. My phone charger was left plugged in, but cut and wires frayed so that had I not been paying attention, I could have been electrocuted. Any of my clothing that hadn't been torn apart was thrown akimbo into my bathtub, with things done to it that involved my newer medications, and I would rather not explain... The apartment smells like shit, apparently, but I have a very weak sense of smell. I tried throwing out the trash, but people wretch whenever they walk through the front door. I'm almost sure I will come upon a puppy-sized pile of jaypoop somewhere...
Somebody asked me today if someone shit in my cereal. I laughed, looked at Joel, and he said "well... actually..."
Also, I used to make fun of Jay for being born in the chinese year of the dog. I would say: "You know, that really makes sense. Jay is very loyal to the people loves. At the same time, If I were ever to really have pissed him off I would not at all be surprised if he pooped in my shoes."
I never knew how right I was...
I almost broke down and cried in the car on the way to my dad's. I don't think I'm really ready to cry about this yet. I get angry with myself whenever I cry, so I feel absolutely self-hating and crappy when it's over. It's impossible to keep from thinking about this. The last angry things he said, I want to take care of him but I know I can't, both legally and emotionally. I keep telling myself that his parents are here, Lauren kept saying he's not my problem, it just seems like the wrong thing to say. I've been driving much faster, with the music much louder. I keep forgetting, and occasionally shaking when I'm upset, I've been so clumsy lately. It's helpful to go to work, though. I was able to regale the entire story of my little sister on the airplane from singapore. Priceless.
I'm trying to just laugh whenever possible and stay as factual as I can whenever else.
I keep being told that I cannot be sympathetic, that I need to keep myself detached. I hate it.
I haven't been sleeping much, but I try to keep myself busy enough that I don't notice.
it's nice to be making money again. I really like my job, and I can't wait for the restaurant to become more popular...
It's been very, very helpful to have puppy around. I don't know what I would do now without him. He's become so good lately. I think he can tell that I need him to be that way, when I don't have the energy to deal with a dog that pulls his leash. I can take him into stores and bars in boerne and things and he just walks right next to me and sits or lays down under my chair. He's phenomenal, really. He's getting much better about sitting to be pet by someone as opposed to standing or jumping up. I'm very excited to see what he will be like as an ever-growing dog.
And we'll fly
And we'll fall
And we'll burn
And no one will recall....
This is the last time I'll abandon you
And this is the last time I'll forget you
I wish I could...
He has called me a few times, wanting me to help him escape or to come see him, and bring the puppy.
I want to, badly, but keep being told that I should wait, that I need to let him calm down and protect myself.
It's so strange when I'm being told that I need to protect myself (physically, by changing my locks, or mentally, by practicing avoidance) from my best friend, the person whom I could tell anything without worry.
But still, I hope he doesn't remember doing any of the things he did to my apartment. The dishwasher was filled with an entire bottle of dish soap (among other things), so it started foaming when I tried to clean the dishes that had piled up. All of my cleaning supplies had been emptied. So many things were empty. Maple Syrup, Honey, bottles of liquor, bottles of medication, nothing made any sense. My shoes were arranged into left and rights, A can of shaving cream exploded on the porch, trash everywhere, surgical tape all over my cabinets, empty bullet casings and rings. My phone charger was left plugged in, but cut and wires frayed so that had I not been paying attention, I could have been electrocuted. Any of my clothing that hadn't been torn apart was thrown akimbo into my bathtub, with things done to it that involved my newer medications, and I would rather not explain... The apartment smells like shit, apparently, but I have a very weak sense of smell. I tried throwing out the trash, but people wretch whenever they walk through the front door. I'm almost sure I will come upon a puppy-sized pile of jaypoop somewhere...
Somebody asked me today if someone shit in my cereal. I laughed, looked at Joel, and he said "well... actually..."
Also, I used to make fun of Jay for being born in the chinese year of the dog. I would say: "You know, that really makes sense. Jay is very loyal to the people loves. At the same time, If I were ever to really have pissed him off I would not at all be surprised if he pooped in my shoes."
I never knew how right I was...
I almost broke down and cried in the car on the way to my dad's. I don't think I'm really ready to cry about this yet. I get angry with myself whenever I cry, so I feel absolutely self-hating and crappy when it's over. It's impossible to keep from thinking about this. The last angry things he said, I want to take care of him but I know I can't, both legally and emotionally. I keep telling myself that his parents are here, Lauren kept saying he's not my problem, it just seems like the wrong thing to say. I've been driving much faster, with the music much louder. I keep forgetting, and occasionally shaking when I'm upset, I've been so clumsy lately. It's helpful to go to work, though. I was able to regale the entire story of my little sister on the airplane from singapore. Priceless.
I'm trying to just laugh whenever possible and stay as factual as I can whenever else.
I keep being told that I cannot be sympathetic, that I need to keep myself detached. I hate it.
I haven't been sleeping much, but I try to keep myself busy enough that I don't notice.
it's nice to be making money again. I really like my job, and I can't wait for the restaurant to become more popular...
It's been very, very helpful to have puppy around. I don't know what I would do now without him. He's become so good lately. I think he can tell that I need him to be that way, when I don't have the energy to deal with a dog that pulls his leash. I can take him into stores and bars in boerne and things and he just walks right next to me and sits or lays down under my chair. He's phenomenal, really. He's getting much better about sitting to be pet by someone as opposed to standing or jumping up. I'm very excited to see what he will be like as an ever-growing dog.
And we'll fly
And we'll fall
And we'll burn
And no one will recall....
This is the last time I'll abandon you
And this is the last time I'll forget you
I wish I could...